Need to talk....

ellkay · Post by **ellkay** » Wed Nov 05, 2008 12:37 pm

I have had a pretty long stretch of anxiety and since I am "anxiety addict" (lol) I am well aware of why I am feeling this way. I'll explain......
1. A month ago my 12 year old daughter was life flighted to a nearby childrens hospital due to complications of a fall she had at school... long story short - they thought she knicked the artery behind her leg and was possibility that she would lose her leg. It turned out to be only a spasm but that was very traumatic. for both of us (all of us).
2. I had a HUGE fight with my best friend whom I work with. that also got resolved.
3. Today I was threatened th be sued.
4. My 12 daughter was having dizzy spells and heart palpations at school. The doctor thinks she is having panick attacks. they did an ekg on her today - we'll get results tomorrow. I am terribly frightened that she may have this horrible disorder. That gives me anxiety.

So over a months time I have ligitimate reasons to feel anxious and have my favorite part of anxiety.... heart palps. What is more frustrating then anything, my husband practically needs - no.... he needs to be told that I need his affection and attention. I hate that I have to tell him that he needs to recognize that it has been a very long month. He is a sensitive man so its very frustrating that he doesn't see that I need comforted. A simple gesture would make my day. Today I told all about the terrible day - he listened and then when I was done talking and he said a couple things he said I have to wash the dog.

Don't get me wrong - he's a great husband but he very much lacks in the comforting & affection department. I know he's capable of giving me the attention I need I just wish I didn't have to ask for it. When I talked to him abo9ut he got offended and said sorry that I am a horrible husband. I don't mean that at all. I truly wish he could figure out that after a month of bad things happeneing I could use something anything......

Am I being to self centered or are my expectations too high????

I have been doing a pretty good job of handeling my anxiety (symptoms). I am getting better. It still scares me but I am doing better. My husband is my comfort zone - he makes me feel safe. So that is why I need his attention. I have told him before but for some reason I have to keep telling him.

I don't know what to do. I know what I would do if he needed me... I guess I wish he would know what to do for me. It doesn't mean the same if I have to tell him. I know I am rambling.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Nov 05, 2008 12:59 pm

Originally posted by ellkay:
He is a sensitive man so its very frustrating ...
I guess I wish he would know what to do for me. It doesn't mean the same if I have to tell him.

Ellkay, (or could I just say L.K.)?
It's sounds to me like you have quite a bit to deal with, and you're doing your best. On top of that you wish your sensitive husband could offer you some affectionate support.
In reading your description, I'm wondering whether he really DOES just "know" what it is you are wanting from him? It seems that your expectation of him is higher because he's a sensitive guy (you're lucky!).

I would wholeheartedly agree that it's not as perfectly romantic when we have to say what we need, rather than it magically appearing. In my perfect fantasy world the guy would just read my mind and be there for me. In reality, we do need to communicate from our heart how we are feeling. Talk as much as possible in *I* statements. "I could really use your emotional support and comfort about now. Could I get a hug?". Don't use as many "you" statements about him, as it just makes them defensive.

Wait and wait until he makes the smallest little comfort to you and then lavish on the praise. When you give him positive attention for the behavior you want then he's more likely to repeat it.

Is there any possibility you two could sit through a couple family counseling sessions together?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Nov 05, 2008 1:01 pm

Hi elkay.

I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time but you have to remember that we are the kind of people that "jumps to conclusions". Just about all of the things we worry about end up working itself out if we just relax, use our tools, and let go. I'm so happy that your child's leg is fine and with your daughter having panic attacks-I'm so sorry that she has to go through that but at least you, her mom can help her get rid of it while she's still young. Just one more thing. We cannot expect our husbands and boyfriends to think like us or know what we want or need without communicating with them about it.they are wired differently. Testosterone and estrogen makes us think more differently than we realize.

Admin_1 · Post by **Admin_1** » Wed Nov 05, 2008 1:54 pm

lol are you telling my life story about the man. mine is either overly affectionate an wont leave me alone about you know what or he is mean and hateful. we are doing this program together he dont feel he needs to talk to anyone on the forum. must be a guy thing.
"aint nothing wrong with me." syndrome. deedee00 is right mar are from mars we are from venus. we dont think alike. as for your daughter be thank full she is with you and you can help her. my son suffers from this an he lives with his dad and i dont get to see him and i know this program would help him. hang in there you got us. i am sending you a hug. but i know it aint the same as from the one you love and depend on

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Nov 05, 2008 11:31 pm

well you all nailed it right on the head! 12 hours later I can say that

. I do stop and think I can't expect him to read my mind however it is very hard for me to say to him that I don't like the way he handled the situation (its not something I like to do but after a while I think I have to so he will have a clue whats going on in my head. And honestly after a whole month of "situations" he couldn't stop for one minute and think "wow - she's really going through a lot right now"

He's the kind of husband that works very hard, helps around the house but he's still a man when it comes to emotional stuff. I know he's wired differently but I really needed a "pick me up" or just his attention.

Yes, I am SOOOO thankful that my daughters leg is ok. That was soo scary. She's 12 so some of you know how stressful that can be - well, it really put things in perspective. I know things happen for a reason so I will hang in there but it sure does get frustrating when its a long stretch of what can go wrong will go wrong.

You all brought a smile to my face - thank you. I needed it. This program is really amazing. Its like counciling on line from real people!!!