Sorry this will probably be long:
Everyday life just seems to be a struggle. I know there are alot of things that have brought on my depression and anxiety. For one - My family life was pretty disfunctional. I know my anxiety stems from this. We were pretty much kept prisoner in our own home because of my father. We were never alowed to do anything or go anywhere unless it was to get groceries or something. Dad would check the mileage on the car to make sure mom didn't go anywhere. We never socialized with anyone. Us kids could never stay at a friends house or vice versa. We didn't really celebrate holidays. I know my mom was deathly scared of dad - we all were. I never had any type of relationship with my dad nor did anyone else. I've only heard my dad say he loved me once and that was shortly after mom got the strength to leave him. Mom had brought us out to see him and as soon as we got out of the car he said some vulgar things to mom and threatened to shoot her if she didn't leave. But before we did he said, remember kids I do love you. But even that is just another bad memory. Dad was also an alcoholic. The only emotions we felt in that home was fear. He was very emotionally abusive and sometimes physical. I think this is why I have such trouble being able to socialize or be comfortable meeting new people because I lack in that department. Of course there's alot more to the story of my childhood but that would be a book in its self.
Even after mom left dad and growing up - I've never really felt comfortable with myself. I always felt out of place. I had some friends but they were the wrong crowd. We were looked down upon because we didn't have money.
My mom got involved in a relationship with someone else and that wasn't much better. I had to constantly listen to them argue.
Then there were other things that have happened to me. I was malested at age 7 more then once and to this day I still feel hate and anger towards the people that did that to me. I remember trying to tell mom about what happened but she never did anything about it. Later on I had questioned her about it and she said she was afraid if she told my dad that he would kill the guy who did it.
Anyway I've been in a relationship for 12 years that has been really rocky the whole time. We have a 10 year old son. And right now history seems to be repeating itself. I always said I would never end up with someone who made me feel scared or emotionally drained. But here I am struggling to deal with it. We have had alot of issues together. And I'm to that point where I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. He is always making me feel like everything is my fault. He can be very hateful when we fight. One of his favorit things to do is to throw my past happenings in my face. He makes me feel bad because of the bad things that have happened to me - in other words mocks me about them. I feel bad because my son sees us fight. If I try to ignor a fight that just makes it worse and he gets even more angry.
About a month ago we got in a really horrible argument and he told me that I made him think about suicide. Does he really think of me as that horrible of a person? I know I haven't been perfect either but I would never say that to anybody. I don't know if he really meant it -you have to know him to understand why I would think that. So what do I do? I know he won't go to cousiling because that would mean spending money. And money is also a big issue between us. I know he won't listen to the Combatting Stress and Depression Program because he thinks there's nothing wrong with him. I've pretty much become home bound. I don't ever want to do anything or go anywhere. I'd sleep all day if I could. Then there's those days where I absolutely just feel numb. I'd rather just shut myself off from the world. And I really hate feeling like this and living like this.
I don't know if I really know how it feels to be truly happy. I'm so use to living with negativity. I'm only on session 2 of the program but I'm really having a hard time even focusing on that. And it's really hard to be positive with everything that is going on now. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Thanks for listening
Really Exhausted with everything in my life past and present
-
Guest
Hi Shelly,
I want you to know I am not an expert on this program. I am simply a person who did work the entire program, and have graduated. After reading your post through a couple of times, I'd like to try to focus on just a few things that might help you get started. You mention therapy, and I wonder if you have ever attended Al-Anon meetings? Please find one near you, and please do attend these every week. They are free. You don't need anyone's permission. You simply need to give yourself permission, and then go to the meetings. There will be so many people there who can help you sort through all the emotions you have from your early life. As for this program, you really can get some very beneficial help from it. Your boyfriend does not have to understand it. You don't require his permission to work it. Since you already have the program, perhaps you could just make working on this program your gift to yourself? I know you have trouble focusing. But do try to find an Al-Anon near you and do attend. These meetings can help you find a focus. I really believe they can.
I wish you the best.
I want you to know I am not an expert on this program. I am simply a person who did work the entire program, and have graduated. After reading your post through a couple of times, I'd like to try to focus on just a few things that might help you get started. You mention therapy, and I wonder if you have ever attended Al-Anon meetings? Please find one near you, and please do attend these every week. They are free. You don't need anyone's permission. You simply need to give yourself permission, and then go to the meetings. There will be so many people there who can help you sort through all the emotions you have from your early life. As for this program, you really can get some very beneficial help from it. Your boyfriend does not have to understand it. You don't require his permission to work it. Since you already have the program, perhaps you could just make working on this program your gift to yourself? I know you have trouble focusing. But do try to find an Al-Anon near you and do attend. These meetings can help you find a focus. I really believe they can.
I wish you the best.
-
Guest
I am too new in the program to offer much. I do believe however that using the cue Cards and reading them loud as often as you want, can help you find a little relief as I have.
It is a struggle must all win. Keep on.
It is a struggle must all win. Keep on.
Originally posted by shellymldtw:
Sorry this will probably be long:
Everyday life just seems to be a struggle. I know there are alot of things that have brought on my depression and anxiety. For one - My family life was pretty disfunctional. I know my anxiety stems from this. We were pretty much kept prisoner in our own home because of my father. We were never alowed to do anything or go anywhere unless it was to get groceries or something. Dad would check the mileage on the car to make sure mom didn't go anywhere. We never socialized with anyone. Us kids could never stay at a friends house or vice versa. We didn't really celebrate holidays. I know my mom was deathly scared of dad - we all were. I never had any type of relationship with my dad nor did anyone else. I've only heard my dad say he loved me once and that was shortly after mom got the strength to leave him. Mom had brought us out to see him and as soon as we got out of the car he said some vulgar things to mom and threatened to shoot her if she didn't leave. But before we did he said, remember kids I do love you. But even that is just another bad memory. Dad was also an alcoholic. The only emotions we felt in that home was fear. He was very emotionally abusive and sometimes physical. I think this is why I have such trouble being able to socialize or be comfortable meeting new people because I lack in that department. Of course there's alot more to the story of my childhood but that would be a book in its self.
Even after mom left dad and growing up - I've never really felt comfortable with myself. I always felt out of place. I had some friends but they were the wrong crowd. We were looked down upon because we didn't have money.
My mom got involved in a relationship with someone else and that wasn't much better. I had to constantly listen to them argue.
Then there were other things that have happened to me. I was malested at age 7 more then once and to this day I still feel hate and anger towards the people that did that to me. I remember trying to tell mom about what happened but she never did anything about it. Later on I had questioned her about it and she said she was afraid if she told my dad that he would kill the guy who did it.
Anyway I've been in a relationship for 12 years that has been really rocky the whole time. We have a 10 year old son. And right now history seems to be repeating itself. I always said I would never end up with someone who made me feel scared or emotionally drained. But here I am struggling to deal with it. We have had alot of issues together. And I'm to that point where I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. He is always making me feel like everything is my fault. He can be very hateful when we fight. One of his favorit things to do is to throw my past happenings in my face. He makes me feel bad because of the bad things that have happened to me - in other words mocks me about them. I feel bad because my son sees us fight. If I try to ignor a fight that just makes it worse and he gets even more angry.
About a month ago we got in a really horrible argument and he told me that I made him think about suicide. Does he really think of me as that horrible of a person? I know I haven't been perfect either but I would never say that to anybody. I don't know if he really meant it -you have to know him to understand why I would think that. So what do I do? I know he won't go to cousiling because that would mean spending money. And money is also a big issue between us. I know he won't listen to the Combatting Stress and Depression Program because he thinks there's nothing wrong with him. I've pretty much become home bound. I don't ever want to do anything or go anywhere. I'd sleep all day if I could. Then there's those days where I absolutely just feel numb. I'd rather just shut myself off from the world. And I really hate feeling like this and living like this.
I don't know if I really know how it feels to be truly happy. I'm so use to living with negativity. I'm only on session 2 of the program but I'm really having a hard time even focusing on that. And it's really hard to be positive with everything that is going on now. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Thanks for listening
-
the new me
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Tue Oct 11, 2005 4:16 pm
I too have a dysfunctional family but in different ways. Just read my profile to find out. Anyhoo, I had to comment because I have been where you are a few times, just w/out the child.
I know how it is to have the past thrown at me like some fierce, manipulative weapon!! It is belittling, threatening and unfair!!! I am sick of people that do this to us sensitive, hurting, and giving people.
Fighting will get us nowhere w/ them and trying to change them is darn near impossible. I finally had to realize that we can only help ourselves in the end.
Making "changes for ourselves" is the KEY to inner peace and happiness!
Putting you and your child first is my first thought here.
If he cannot grow up and realize he is at fault for his lousy, immature actions, then he is not worth your time or breath.
If he cannot see that he is not perfect and has no faults or a past, then he is not a man... he is still a boy in a mans suit persay. He is just playing dress up!!
You will see that the more you ignore his ignorant, mean words/actions to you and concentrate on you first w/ the "inner postitive self talk"; you will grow more, get to know who you really are and stop fighting back w/ him.
He isn't deserving at this point, so why argue w/ him at all? So what if he gets madder? That is his damned problem, right? He can then!! If he "hits" you, then leave and go to a shelter for women. They can help you there, and far more then he ever will!! I say leave the son of a gun!!
This is my advice because I have been treated like garbage/poorly and belittled far too long to let anyone ever talk to me like that ever again.
I believe that life is just to short not to be happy!
YOU DESERVE THAT< YOU ARE WORTHY< YOU ARE WOMAN, SOOOO HEAR YOURSELF ROAR!!!...ARRRRRRRRRRR....LOL.
Listen, if my husband gets rude w/ me or disrespectful I call him on it immediately. I tell him to talk to the hand and I walk away right after I told him he is off the mark, rude and turning me off. That gets him everytime. I am a DIVA and I refuse to be treated like a piece....HA!
YOU GO GIRL!! YOU deserve BETTER> If you believe in yourself more and try to focus on this wonderful thing you have w/ this program, you will find out just how much more you can have in and from your life here on earth.
It isn't easy at first, nothing good comes real easy.
All things good come to those that work for them, right?
Work on you, your mind & thoughts, your journal writing {life lessons you've learned, your feelings each day, your self improvements, your hopes and dreams, etc.} and your tapes/cd's/program guide so you can have good coping skills, just like I have now in order to deal with anything that life throws at you.
You are your own best friend or your own worst enemy..so, it is up to you to take this program in your hands and learn from it or run and hide in bed. Right??
Trust me, I know. I have been through total hell all of my life and I am 43 now. I am learning that I am worthy of love, understanding and honesty from others and "myself". First we must truly know and love ourselves before we can honestly give it or share it...no?
Big supportive hugs and compassion to you. I have faith and hope that you too can see that you are worthy!!
Truly,
Ancilee Kaye
{ann-sully}
I know how it is to have the past thrown at me like some fierce, manipulative weapon!! It is belittling, threatening and unfair!!! I am sick of people that do this to us sensitive, hurting, and giving people.
Fighting will get us nowhere w/ them and trying to change them is darn near impossible. I finally had to realize that we can only help ourselves in the end.
Making "changes for ourselves" is the KEY to inner peace and happiness!
Putting you and your child first is my first thought here.
If he cannot grow up and realize he is at fault for his lousy, immature actions, then he is not worth your time or breath.
If he cannot see that he is not perfect and has no faults or a past, then he is not a man... he is still a boy in a mans suit persay. He is just playing dress up!!
You will see that the more you ignore his ignorant, mean words/actions to you and concentrate on you first w/ the "inner postitive self talk"; you will grow more, get to know who you really are and stop fighting back w/ him.
He isn't deserving at this point, so why argue w/ him at all? So what if he gets madder? That is his damned problem, right? He can then!! If he "hits" you, then leave and go to a shelter for women. They can help you there, and far more then he ever will!! I say leave the son of a gun!!
This is my advice because I have been treated like garbage/poorly and belittled far too long to let anyone ever talk to me like that ever again.
I believe that life is just to short not to be happy!
YOU DESERVE THAT< YOU ARE WORTHY< YOU ARE WOMAN, SOOOO HEAR YOURSELF ROAR!!!...ARRRRRRRRRRR....LOL.
Listen, if my husband gets rude w/ me or disrespectful I call him on it immediately. I tell him to talk to the hand and I walk away right after I told him he is off the mark, rude and turning me off. That gets him everytime. I am a DIVA and I refuse to be treated like a piece....HA!
YOU GO GIRL!! YOU deserve BETTER> If you believe in yourself more and try to focus on this wonderful thing you have w/ this program, you will find out just how much more you can have in and from your life here on earth.
It isn't easy at first, nothing good comes real easy.
All things good come to those that work for them, right?
Work on you, your mind & thoughts, your journal writing {life lessons you've learned, your feelings each day, your self improvements, your hopes and dreams, etc.} and your tapes/cd's/program guide so you can have good coping skills, just like I have now in order to deal with anything that life throws at you.
You are your own best friend or your own worst enemy..so, it is up to you to take this program in your hands and learn from it or run and hide in bed. Right??
Trust me, I know. I have been through total hell all of my life and I am 43 now. I am learning that I am worthy of love, understanding and honesty from others and "myself". First we must truly know and love ourselves before we can honestly give it or share it...no?
Big supportive hugs and compassion to you. I have faith and hope that you too can see that you are worthy!!
Truly,
Ancilee Kaye
{ann-sully}