Post
by Guest » Thu Oct 23, 2008 4:47 pm
Ginger, I think you hit the nail on the head with "I feel on edge and like any wrong movement will trigger a panic attack".
From my personal experience, it was that constant state of "anticipation" that fueled the racing mind and downward spiral. Because I lived in sheer terror of the panic attack and those thoughts & feelings, every waking hour was battling my thoughts and "trying to hold it together". As the anxiety would build, the harder I would recoil, which only accelerated the racing negative thoughts until the anxiety built into a full on panic attack.
Before I offer thoughts and hope, I'd like to qualify the hell I lived mentally and physically (from the mental masterbation) on a dialy basis. This might set some people back, and I'm NOT an M.D., so take it or leave it, but from my experience everyone that lives this hell feels he or she is somehow different. Nobody else could possibly have ALL these negative thoughts, sense of bewilderment, impending doom and horrible or emtpy feelings that I do. I could be wrong, but my personal belief as that a number of people hold onto some of the thoughts/feelings they have for fear of being committed if they let them out and therefore hold onto thier "uniqueness" and never let go. As a result, they are never able to get off the mental treadmill.
So here's just a sample of some of the thoughts, feelings I lived with on a daily basis. The "insanity" of the day, week, month would usually change, but one thing was constant...I was never at ease. These happened at school, work, home, before bed, after bed, morning, noon, night, friends house, parents house, restaurant, park, bedroom, family room, kitchen, you name it!
- Underlying thought is "I'm seriously insane or I wouldn't be having any of these thoughts." The thoughts made me fearful of myself, possible actions, and the reaction was to try and hold it all together for fear of crumbling/snapping/imploding into the abyss, being committed, you name it.
- Did lots of reading, research and I was self diagnosed bipolar, schizophrenic, agoraphopic, you name it. Sure I had "anxiety....but you don't understand".
- Could see a knife and would grab onto thoughts about cutting myself or slashing someone else...family member, kids, you name it. Walk through Macy's kitchen goods, see knifes and think I need to get outta here because something crazy might happen. Recoil...racing thoughts.
- Constant thoughts and fear of fainting, dying, shouting out, walking in front of car, bus, train, heart attack, or generally "snapping" mentally to the point of no return. "if i let go and don't try to BATTLE these thoughts and recoil....I'll most definitely snap"
- After months, years of this I was numb. completely utterly, emotionally and physically worn out of being on constant vigle. I was never in the moment, it was always a random (usually negative) thought and fight/fright recoil from it.
- Open the paper, turn on the news....recipe for thinking if I don't control these thoughts and "get handle", I'm going to be the next ted kascynski or brutal person. I'd recoil in fear that if I didn't get myself together, it could only get worse.
- As far as anxious physical side feelings, I went through them all: headaches, dizzy spells, full on lightning rush hot flashes, sweating, tremors, stomach issues, seeing stars, faint feelings, chest pains, you name it. Response: recoil in fear from it and perpetuate even greater negative physical feelings.
So basically, I had it all, homicidal, suicidal, padded cell, hearing things, seeing things, you name it thoughts. Now, in my heart, back of my mind, whatever you wanna call it, I knew this wasn't me or what I wanted to do, feel, etc. but I lived in terror of these thoughts and feelings every waking hour most days and was seriously fearful that I might act, experience or do something that I didn't want to do because I was going crazy.
I also felt drained and empty, void of emotion--the hole in the donut. My thinking was that if I wasn't on constant guard or "let go" that I'd emotionally fall into the abyss (even though I was there)...but felt like I'd lose it and it would get worse.
Now, how did this change? I actually have to think about it because it's been about 8 years since I've had a panic attack and I no longer am consumed by a racing mind and feeling of impending doom. This didn't come like a light switch and it was months of working at it, but the number one factor was putting down the gloves and just getting off the mental treadmill. Normally, the insane thought of the moment would come and I'd either recoil like crazy..trying to pound other thoughts in my head while still entertaining the insanity. As usual, the racing mind would kick in and the downward spiral race would start. (or marathon because it went all day).
After getting all the insane thoughts on the table with someone I could trust (and being ashamed I even had them to start with), I let go of all the damn "secrets". Poke someones eye out with scissors, dump the entire candy aisle by the grocery checkout. Walk out of the dressing room buck naked, dive from the window, you name it. No more secrets running in my head.
Once the "insanity" was on the table and I've heard other had thought, felt the same thing and weren't looking for the straight jacket, the insanity lost a little (not a lot at first) but a little of it's power.
Thoughts would still come up daily and I'd get them on the table with someone I could trust that had been trough it. A secret in my head is like a small rock in your shoe. Might not bother you for few minutes, but eventually it's going to become unbearable.
Next, stop recoiling. Welcome mr Panic Attack, chest pains, hot flash, dizzy spells, irritable bowel, whatever the trama dejour of the day, week month is. When the thoughts, feelings start to come on, STOP. Don't run from it. Pause and welcome it. Lets go,...am I gonna think about diving from this window 4 stories up....lovely..now I'm supposed to feel the sides crashing in? Lets go...bring it on. Relax your body and let it come. Don't tense, don't run. Breath deep and revel in the Anxiety. You've been there 100 if not 1000 times...bring it on. As your minds saying "but you gotta hang on...this time its gonna be different..this time your GONNA snap". Don't Recoil, don't run....invite it.
I lived in terror for so long and figured it would never change. Now I've lived without those feelings for so long it's difficult to really pinpoint the defining moment. I don't think it was a moment, but a series of moments. If there's one defining moment(s) it's when I got all my insanity on the table and figured out I wasn't so unique AND continued to work on NOT RECOILING or RUNNING from the anxiety.
Eating healthy, exercise, sleep, meditation, breathing, it all helps. But getting off the mental treadmill, determining I'm not going to "think" my way out of the problem and not Recoiling from the anxiety have been key for me.
Next time you feel it coming on. (probably sometime tomorrow) don't recoil. You've been there, done that. Your mind is of course going to tell you "BUT...this is the big one...your GONNA SNAP"...it's all b.s. Don't recoil and let it come. Its like playing tug of war and just letting go of the rope. You might lose that battle but eventually your just done playing the game. The victory is embracing the feelings, insanity, whatever and not recoiling. Without your recoil/flight, the thoughts, feelings, have no control. They lose interest.
Amazingly enough, you haven't fallen into the abyss and your life will eventually be filled with joy, sadness, and every day emotions.
Trust me, embrace the anxiety, panic and insanity, stop recoiling and it will lose all it's power. I never thought I'd live through the insanity and had to really think about how bad it was for years and the defining moments in working through it.
