help help help

panicked · Post by **panicked** » Tue Oct 07, 2008 4:54 pm

i need somebodies help i have a really crazy relationship with my mom always have she has this way of manipulating me we have a very dysfunctional relationship she always makes me feel bad for her and her life is filled with continual drama anyway i am working on session 3 this week about negative thoughts and turning them into positive thoughts and have noticed that my mom is the most negative thinker that i have ever seen not only that she makes me anxious every time i see her or even when i am going to her house i get anxious on the way i talked to my therapist about this and she really feels like i should not speak to my mom but how can i do that my therapist feels like i have to focus on me before i can focus on anybody else but what do i say to my mom shes not a very understanding person if anybody has any advice please help i have been feeling so much better until today now have chest pains all over again please help

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 09, 2008 5:22 am

I tried responding to questions about mothers in previous months, and got shot down every time. I will try again. Try recognizing that your mother learned her life behaviors because of things you will probably never know about. She is miserable, and she is very good at teaching you how to be miserable, too. But, she is your mom, and you cannot just take her back to the store and exchange her for a different model. I am not making excuses for her. I am trying to help you look in her mirror. It's not a pretty world inside there for her. So what do you do? If I were you I'd learn everything within this program that there is to learn, and I'd apply it to my own life. You cannot change her. You CAN change yourself. When you become a different person, you will radiate those new attributes. And you don't ever have to go into agreement with her that the stuff she views in her world mirror is the way things are. They are not that way for you. Just agree to disagree. Gradually, you will change your relationship with her to where it works better for you because you will have new skills to do that. Don't worry about things like this. Just work on Session Three, and get really, really good at those skills.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 09, 2008 5:31 am

thanks so much for the advice you are right when you say i cant change her i can only change me so thats what i am going to do when i have to be around her i will breath my way through thanks for the advice

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 09, 2008 5:36 am

Hi Panicked,

I really do understand what you are saying as I have lived it most of my life. Things are different now but it took actions on my part to make this happen. I won't go into details again as it's not easily explained and I have already posted a while back how I had to deal with a severe problem with my Mother.

Pecos has given very wise suggestions already and I can't really think of any other advice to add so listen to words of wisdom and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

God Bless

JERRY S · Post by **JERRY S** » Thu Oct 09, 2008 6:56 am

Hey I have issues with my mom also and I am 48 years old and just recently decided that I wasn't going to live another day trying to please her. She is a huge Negative thinker...I wonder where I got it. I have had low sel-esteem all of my life. I have made decisions based on if it would make my mom happy. Since I have received this program........I am on Session 5.......I am living each day and making decisions based on how it will effect me not anyone else. When I talk to her on the phone.....my head is filled with positive talk.....she says a negative.....I come back with a positive.....I think she is seeing a change in me for the good. She doesn't even know I am doing the program........because she would have negative comments. You just have to be strong for yourself. Positive self talk is the key. I know you love your mother.......I love my mother. It is time for us to be happy. I hope this helps and if you ever need anything we are all here for you. Have a blessed day!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:01 am

I never had a good relationship with my mother. It took a lot of years of silence between us before we started talking again and even then all we did was fight. I started taking the time to really focus on my anxiety program and one thing that I learnt is that if you're not strong enough to deal with a certain individual who causes a lot of anxiety, wait until you have the tools. This way you don't get into a downward spiral while talking to them. Wait until you are stronger and have the tools then deal with your mother. I did that and now I actually have a good relationship with my mother. I just had to be honest with her and tell her that there are things that she does that make me very uncomfortable and upset. I finally had the strength to stand up for myself in an assertive way, I wasn't mean or bitter I was simply standing up for myself. When you have the tools and the strength you'll find it easier to talk and have a good relationship with her. It takes time, so be positive!