i need my wife badly but she isn`t there

Darren John · Post by **Darren John** » Sat Oct 11, 2008 10:34 pm

i`ve been married for 7 years now and suffered agoraphobia/panic attacks for even longer(20 years)over the last 4 years my agoraphobia has got so bad that i cant even leave the house if i do manage to get out the house i have a panic attack.I love my wife so much and wouldnt swop her for the world but when it come to my condition she has never understood my condition.I know it must be frustrating for her to have to go everywhere alone with the kids.
I have asked her countless times to HELP ME! she wont read my program,she wont listen to any of the tapes,i ask her to go a little walk round the block with me so i can get out but she never does She has completely turned her back on my condition and isnt interested one bit.
The thing that gets me down is she constantly put me down about my condition saying things like "you`ll never get over it" and "i`m not wasting my life because of your condition" "i`m sick of your silly problem"
Because of the way she responds when i`m having a bad day with anxiety i go quiet and dont say anything which she thinks i`m ignoring her which leads to an arguement but i only stay quiet because i know she doesn`t want to hear my problems
I am on lesson 3 and the sad thing is i know if she helps me with this program that i could do a lot better
Like i said earlier i worship the ground she walks on so if i do get over this condition we can go on to hopefully have a good long happy life

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 12:34 am

Hi Darren I can relate I'm married to a wonderful woman but she just doesn't understand what I am going through. I was agarophobic on in off in my life. I am starting to go out in the world. But I have a huge problem of driving far that is rhe big one for me. She doesn't help me on this or anything. I've asked her to go with me to help me and she refuses. It gets irritating. What I would do I ask for a friend or relative for thje help your wife isn't giving you. If she sees that she'll realize that you are going to get over this with or without her. And I believe she will be more likely to help you.

derfy · Post by **derfy** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 1:10 am

Darren,

I have been married for 19 years and have had trouble with anxiety the last 7. I learned very early on that my wife really wasn't going to be that "go to" person on this issue. That's ok though, you just need to find a different "go to' person. In my case it's my sister, after I talked to her I found out she has the same problem.

Try not to resent your wife and give her some space and time, include her in other things in your life but let her come to you on this subject. It's hard when you live with someone and have to hear the same issues every day. I'm only speaking from experience on this issue because I went through all of the feelings you are probably feeling right now. My wife didn't understand and thought I should be stronger. I've been going to therapy, doing this program, have my sister as my support person and have been on medication the last year and things have become much better.

Now on occaission my wife will actually ask me how I'm feeling and I take that opportunity to talk to her. The key for me is not to scare her, we have 2 children and I guess it can be pretty scary for someone who doesn't understand the problem.

Hang in there!!! Stick to this program and thigns WILL improve.

This forum is also a great place for support, there are alot of really good people here!!!

kyrissian · Post by **kyrissian** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 1:18 am

Hello!! I'm a woman with bad anxiety and I have this almost my whole life but I'm feeling better now after started the programme. I don't know if this advice is wright for you but I tell it anyway because I feel like this. The only one who can help me with my problems is myself and I don't expect from anyone that they can help me. I just have to change the way I think about myself and try to get a better selfesteem. Don't let your recovery depend on if your wife helps you or not, take the responsibility your self. I wish you luck and the very best for you.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 2:06 am

wanting people to cradle you and understand you all the time is a sign of anxiety itself. I was in the same position, and the only peson that can help you is "you", you need to find someone who can support you, this program, go to a session in your local hospital to meet someone with your same difficulties. It is difficult for anyohe to grasp what you go through if they cannot relate or have not experienced anything.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:01 am

Some great advice here.

I have been married for 15 years and my wife has been through this anxiety with me on and off in these 15 years.

The real issue is our dependancy on others to comfort us. We need to let go of others controlling our every emotion. WE can control our emotions and WE will. I would be that you were in a controlled situation as a child like I was. My father wanted to control all of us in our family and the result is that we turned out being anxious people.

It's not easy to recover from this habit, but when you do, you will see all the areas of your life that you were controlled. Finding God and Christ is also important. I feel since I have done this, I am less afraid of things and I give my fears over to God.

I hope this helps

I wish you best in your recovery from the anxiety habit.

Zoe

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:35 am

hi,i think i can relate to what your going through,i started having anxiety and panic attacks a few monthes ago and my wife just doesn't understand it at all.i guess i can see her point,i didn't understand it until it happened to me,and i'm still learning.I do wish she would do the program with me for support,but she doesn't want anything to do with it.Itmakes it really difficult for me cuz all my family lives far away so i do not have a support person.She also can't understand why i can't just take a pill and be fine,well i have tried to tell her that sometimes it does take more then that.I am currantly looking for a therapist,and maybe get into a group(if i can drag myself out of the house)hopefully i can find my support person there,but the problem there is that i have always been strong,and never had to lean on anybody.i wish you luck with your wife,keep me posted on how it goes,maybe we can give each other some pointers?................good luck!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:57 am

Hi Darren. I'm sorry that your wife isn't there for you. Marriage is for better or worse, and in this day and age that seems to be forgotten. Having anxiety is no different than having a physical ailment. If you had cancer, and were bed-ridden, would she be there then? You obviously want help, and yes you need to do it on your own, but having a loving, compassionate spouse to help you along your path and to be supportive is of upmost importance . Maybe you need to go to couple's councelling together, and work on some issues, and to also help you get the support your looking for.We all need support, and loving caring friends and family when things are tough. Having the support, compassion,understanding and effort from our loved ones helps us heal faster, and to do what we need to do to get well. I hope things work out for you, and I hope your wife comes to understand that it's not your fault, and that putting you down about it, isn't a healthy way to approach the situation.
Take care, and we are all here for you.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 5:07 am

When I was serverly anxious I found I needed other people to comfort me and reassure me that I was ok. I could never comfort myself. If I had scary negative thoughts I needed other people to help me make sense of it.

Having finished the program and restarting for a second time, I realize that I can only fix myslef. I am my own safe person. I can provide my own comfort and reassurance.

I have had a husband who has been supportive. When I first got the program he read through a little of it but it been clear to me that this was my journey alone to take.

In the beginning he would listen to me when I stuck in an anxious episode. He did help me face the hard fact that I was doing this to myself and only I could stop it.

Now 6 months after finishing the program for the first time, I hardly if ever need to run an anxious thought or scenario by him. I am able to handle it on my own.

I have restarted the program for the second time to help me to continue to work on my skills. We can do this. We are strong and capable people. If we can use all our creativity to scare the heck out of ourselves we can use it to overcome this condition.

Take care and God Bless.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 5:17 am

Dear Darren John,

I must agree with Maren and Zoe_M. Do not wait for support from you wife to sart/continue your journey to wellness. You have an untapped "well of strength" within you. You must make a decision that you are going to recover with or without help from your spouse. You must make a commitment to yourself to work on this every day and push the envelope of your "comfort zone" every day. And reaffirm your decision and commitment every day. You can do this!

Best wishes for a speedy recovery!!
Steve