Wife is Pefectionist with child!

deeroad · Post by **deeroad** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 3:28 am

Thanks guys.
Now my wife is mad at me (giving me the silent treatment) because I corrected her perfectionism in front of our son. She followed me downstairs and yelled saying "you do all the homework with him then!" My son was upset all night. He said he gets scared when we fight. He's an only child. He knows we love him. But we do fight.
My wife has serious issues with control. She is the worst controller I have ever seen. She is coming a long way, but she is not there yet, as am not either.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 4:25 pm

Songwriter:
I wonder if you and your wife would profit from going to parenting classes. Somehow you 2 need to get on the same page.
Your little boy loves you both.
And you both love him.
Maybe if you could go to classes along these lines together amd both give a little.
And maybe come to terms on a course of training
of your son.
And the 2 of you would get happier too.
Sure hope you can get this worked out.
Mj

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 6:21 pm

Hi songwriter. I think you're just as wrong as your wife, and even more. You should never fight in front of your child. That could be far more harmful to your child than her perfectionism. I don't think your wife is harming your child,I think she just wants him to be the best that he can be. I think you said that she is Korean, they tend to be more disciplined than Americans, and more perfectionistic and I think you already knew that. Why did you marry a Korean then disrespect her by going against her in front of your child. She asked you not to go against her in front of him and I think she was right. You both need marriage counseling and parenting classes to get on the same page. You sound like the "thick" person to me. It sounds like it has to be your way or its the wrong way.Lots of couples differ when it comes to raising children. That doesn't mean she's wrong, it just means that you two diagree. Listen to her, you may understand what she's trying to do.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 11:14 pm

When will any parent get it right. Its not about you ANYMORE. I'm not a parent. But was a child of simple neglect. Archie Bunkers(Carroll O'Connor) son died of drugs and he said in a commercial years ago get between your child and drugs anyway you can. I totally think that applies to everything. You don't want your son dealing with for the rest of his life even after you are gone the insecuities of your wife. Its not about want she wants but whats going to be good for him even after you are gone. My mother is gone. She died early she had so many insercurities it was her gift to me. I still deal with them to this day. I didn't have children for this very reason.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:51 am

Hello Songwriter!! When you describe your wife I just get remained about my mother she was just the same when I grown up. She told me lot's of times why I have one thing wrong on my tests and she never say that it was great that I only have one thing wrong I never felt that I was good although I wsa the best student in the class but my mom never say a encouraged word to me. I think but I really don't know for sure that it made my selfesteem low. I have one son and I always tell him to do his best but it's okay to failed to snd that it's not the whole world I love him anyway. Everyone is aloud to fail sometomes we are only human beings I thinl it's important to learn the children to be nice and care about other people to be proud of themselves and that they do the best they can and then you can't expect more. Take care!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Oct 24, 2008 12:20 pm

Would it be possible to talk to your wife about a compromise? Making it clear you don't want to compromise on the expectations you have for your son, but rather a compromise on how you both approach his successes and failures.

For example, when he brings home a test with a few wrong answers you can both first praise him for everything he did RIGHT then use the wrong answers to teach him that everyone, even mommies and daddies, have room to improve in some area of life (surely your wife can find SOME aspect of life where she isn't PERFECT - auto mechanics, physics, baking, gardening... find something). And then after dinner you or your wife can sit down with him and help him learn what he missed on the test.

This way you can be encouraging to your son while maintaining your high expectations. While it isn't wrong for your wife to feel disappointed, she needs to be careful not to make your son feel that her LOVE is dependent on his grades.

If all else fails...could she at LEAST make sure to tell him, "While I expect you to do better next time, remember that I love you no matter what" ... at least that's some kind of balance.

I think it is also important to make your wife realize that as much as it is wrong for you to correct her in front of your son, it is equally wrong for her to dismiss your opinions/feelings on how to best raise YOUR son. You must both respect each other.

Of course, these are the humble opinions of an unmarried motherless 24 year old female...so, take it all with a grain of salt for sure