TRYING TO BREAK OLD HABITS

karenLeigh · Post by **karenLeigh** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 3:03 am

I'm finding it hard to break out of the old neg. habits. I know I need to be patient with myself...it's just when, it spills over and effects my family, I get down on myself.
This may not be the right forum. I know I need to find balance in my life. I need to be more disciplined with myself. I'm hoping that when I start this session it will help me do that.
I'm worried that my husband has run out of patients with all of this stuff(A&D). He has stood by me thru all of this but this mourning when I tried to open up about my struggles, he was upset. He said he was trying hard to not get mad about me doing the program. I think it's because I'm online alot....but like I told him. You play your game sometimes until 2am. So he is basicly doing the same thing!
It's all about putting things important to you first. I haven't felt first in awhile...with him anyway.
I have read maney times on here where spouses wasn't supportive. I think it scares me....to think about being alone. We have such a high divorce rate in this country.
Before this program I took things for granted alot!! my marriege included. Now I am seeing things thru different eyes. I'm changing into someone better but it scares me at the same time. I don't know if anyone can relate, it's okay if not. I think I needed to get things off my chest(if you know what I mean).
I feel like I can do that hear. Thanks for listening...if anyone did

Dsrtdwllr · Post by **Dsrtdwllr** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 3:45 am

Hello KarenLeigh,

You are doing the right thing trying to better yourself and become a happier more joyous person so don't stop. You have to do this for your sake and I'm sorry that your husband may not be supporting your efforts but please don't let him intimidate your doing this program. It's not easy for others to always understand just how hard we are struggling with our daily lives and have done so for many years if they have not been down the same paths we have.

Also some don't want us to change out of their own fears and What If's...if she changes will she still want me..will she stop loving me..or will she want freedom to find out if there is someone else better suited for her/him. Not meaning to be sexist here. It goes both ways..I know.

So he may be insecure right now about all this. Have you sat down with him and told him you are trying hard to better youself so you can be a better partner to him. have you asked him to maybe listen to some sessions with you so he can better understand that so many people have issues and have overcome them using this program and all the skills it teaches us. Just some thoughts that may work.

I WISH YOU ALL THAT IS GOOD, BE STRONG FOR YOU!!!

Good Luck, NEVER QUIT!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 4:11 am

Hey monty'smom,
It's good to find other insights on how your feeling. You know I haven't thought about the insecurities. I think that may be part of it. I have been very dependant on him for so long. It's probably hard for him to "change". Thanks for pointing that out. I have been so caught up within myself that I forgot about that part of the program(loved ones not wanting us to change).

I did ask him this mourning if he would listen to that one cd that is for the ones closes to you(I can't remember the name). He has listened to it once but I told him that the second time, he may hear things he didn't the first time(like Lucinda talks about).

He said he would listen to it again so that did make me feel better. I might get him to listen to some others as well(like you had mentioned).

Thanks for the positive feed back. I really needed that this mourning.

I hope you have a good day and take care

kathy359 · Post by **kathy359** » Mon Sep 29, 2008 9:07 am

Hi Karen. Montysmom has more insight here than me, but since you and I are both on 13, I wanted to reply. I thought this part of the journey was going to be so easy. Ha ha. Nope. I bogged down this weekend with my homework. Did you do the priorities ranking? One gets most of your time, 13 gets least? I had some big jumps of insight there on the second half, listing how I'd prefer my priorities to be ranked. I don't know if this will open the window for you, but it helped me. Our lives and relations are all different, yet some of the things that begin to change inside as we approach new sessions are similar. While I experience this metamorphosis, I also recognize I've outgrown a few friends (because I don't dwell there anymore, and don't want to). Luckily, I have a few friends I will keep. I'm actually surprised those friends have put up with me these past few years

. What I am saying is that some of the people in our life were here already. We are the ones who are catching up (with them).
It is possible one of these days your husband will catch up with you. Does that make sense?
Let me know how your 13 homework is going.

Angie S · Post by **Angie S** » Tue Sep 30, 2008 4:31 pm

Hey Pecos,
I started #13 yesterday. I listened to the cd. I read the first 2 pages while waiting in line to pick up my daughter from school. didn't do anymore that day. Today I was sick for most of the day so didn't do it.
I have a question...Do you go by what the workbook says in the first few pages about, stop! this is your weekly schedule...Or do you do what the man says at the end of the cd? I get confused.
I didn't do that first part in the beginning but the last session I tried too. I guess I over looked it. It's on all the workbooks right in the front.
Sometimes I don't know how to go about it. We all seem to go at are on pace, I noticed, thru the sessions.
I got to the performance test and stopped. I answered the questions.
I have made my world so small, to where that part was hard. I really don't do alot for anyone but my girls and husband. sad but true.
I realized on #12 that I hide behind the anxiety because of fear of failure and responsibilities which lead to depressed feelings. That is so hard to admit but I feel like I need to be truthful. Although...I shared that with my husband and I think he thought okay now your cured! you can do all things again. That's what happened on sunday morning.
he is not at home much so he hasn't listened to some of the cd's that I want him to.
He is a people pleaser. Sometimes I think he needs this program as much as I do.
I understood that last part of what you said. I think that is what scares me. I'm still having trouble with the "what if's" and "change" part.
maybe we can talk again, soon

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 8:10 am

Hi Karen. I am a homework stickler, and the way that I found works best for me on this program is to always Do The Basics, but to then simply follow the guidebook exactly, page by page. I don't advance myself to the next session until I can complete all my homework. For me, what works best, is to listen to the CD at least twice, then watch the DVD, THEN I open up the guidebook and begin with the homework. On the first session, I wrote the Basics down on a large index card, and taped it on my work desk. That way I reinforce my sticking with the basics (on the second page of every guidebook).
Know what I realized on Session 12? That I am still single because of where I have decided to live! My ex husband left me about 10 years ago. I have a ranch here in New Mexico mountains, and I am two hour drive from Albuquerque. My closest neighbor is over half a mile away, and the nearest highway is over a mile away! I fell right into a thoroughly dysfunctional relationship with a man 6 months after my marriage ended. Two major insights from Session 12: If I were closer to people, I'd find a healthy new relationship. And if I hadn't let the current relationship drag on, I'd have had more opportunities to find a healthy one. These two avoidance things worked for me, because I have been afraid of a similar rejection (like when my ex left me). So now I know two of my biggest Secondary Gains. And Session 13 is making me inventory my priorities. I've got about two more weeks on this program. And then I have a lot of work to do!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 02, 2008 3:13 am

That's very good advice. I need to go back to the basics. I guess that is the "seven actions" at the end of session 3? Between statement #6 and #7 it says the above "seven" is your basics, is that a typo(mistake) because it's in between those two statements?
I havn't done the relax tape in a long time. I don't know why I do this to myself. Glutten for punishment, I guess

I didn't have alot of good experiances in highschool with homework, That may be why this is hard. Not trying to make excuses. I know the hard stuff doesn't come easy.
I'm realizing discipline is HARD for me!
It sounds like your a very independant women. I think that is great! That is something I am trying to achieve. I know that with becoming independant, there will have to be change. I have to make my own self happy first. That's a hard one for me.
What Lucinda says is true(for me) you may be the down person in the relationship and the other one picks you up. I want to be able to pick my own self up. That has got to be more healthy than the other way around.
I'm also struggling with morals and religion. I think that was in #12.
I have always wanted to live in the country. I would think that it would be so peaceful. I have seen your pictures on that one post. It looks like a good place to live. Everytime I go on vaca. to the mountains it's so relaxing. Everything just seems to slow down and you realize what's really important.
I think it's good that we are recognizing our secondary gains. I'm sure you know, that when you find love again . You will have the "life skills" to help you.
That helps me to try not to get discouraged. knowing that I will have the program to help me continue on.

take-care

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:06 am

Hi Karen, I am sorry about your high school homework experiences being bad. I had the opposite. I grew up here in New Mexico in a small farming, ranching valley, and our school was so small. Our teachers (in an elementary school no doubt!) all had post grad degrees. And my parents grew up desperately poor. They wanted my life, and my brother's life, to be different. They turned one room in our home into a homework room, with dictionaries and encyclopedias and maps. It was fun. I have an idea. Can you create a homework corner, just for working on this program? Have your own desk, your own books, your own space? Add things to look at which you'd enjoy, peaceful happy things. If you can create a space of your own, it might reinforce your enjoyment of doing the homework.
By the way, the basics are those tenets listed on the second and third page of each of the guidebooks. The top of the page reads: Stop! This is your weekly schedule.. I have found that if I read those before I begin each new session, and make notes on my homework journal page, that reinforces them, and I do them.
Please don't be discouraged. You've gotten a lot further in the program than many, and you have offered me some pretty good advice, too!
As for our secondary gains, I see how they are the very things that nail our shoes to the floor. They seem to serve a purpose, but they are so counter to what we need to be happy and go forward.

PS: I am adding this later, but notice you haven't gotten back with an update. How are you doing? Is the homework getting easier? We are both nearing graduation time. Are you going to start the program over? I do plan to do that. I want all the reinforcement I can get.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 2:34 pm

Hey Pecos,
I haven't been doing to good the past few days. The only thing I've done is listened to the cd feel better fast. I feel like I have lost my way. I don't even trust my own judgement. I have felt this way before(during the program) but it would pass. I seem to be questioning everything. My self confidence is way down. I am just hoping that some of this may be due to that time of the month...ugh! That's what it feels like. I think I am a litle scared to finish the program. My negativity is working overtime right now.
I am glad to see that your doing good. I do plan on going back thru the program. I wonder why there are not more of us that post their progress or what session their dealing with???
I have wrote several times in the May Peer Group but only get one or two replies. I guess their busy??
I hope I can get motivated again. It's strange how the mind works. It keeps telling me this is what feels good(old habits and secondarey gains). This is what "feels" safe, even though I am depressed. The mind is a very powerful thing.

P.S. I liked your idea. I hope I can make me a place for learning. Right now the finances are not that good. You know my dream one day is to be a Chef. I would like to go to culinary school so I will definantly need a good place to do my work.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Oct 05, 2008 3:55 am

That's a very good idea that Pecos had. Create a learning/homework area somewhere in the house. When I left work I ended up with papers, books, bills, etc scattered everywhere in the house and wondered why my mind was getting so scattered. Duh! I recreated an office area at the computer where I went over my program lessons, paid bills, sorted thru correspondence, etc. It made such a difference in my focus. After a while the mind starts to associate this area with learning something or focusing on something and it goes into gear. You have to push thru the uncomfortableness sometimes when you leave your safety zone. Don't believe your mind when it tells you old negative habits feel good. It's lying to you to keep you stuck. Since you are familiar with the secondary gains, try looking at the price you are paying for your secondary gains. Ask yourself if you want to continue paying this price? This may help motivate you.