i keep falling

Holly J · Post by **Holly J** » Thu Aug 14, 2008 2:30 am

I feel like when I am doing better I suddenly get worse. I dont know what is happening to e again bur i am having feelings of intense panic. I had stopped getting panic attacks for couples months now maybe more and now I feel like they're coming back and they feel really intense. Like all of a sudden i actually feel like i will stop breathing and usually when i have that feeling its not so intense its just very annoying. This time it feels more life threatening to me. An now all my obsessive scary thoughts are coming back too. What if I hurt myself/others what if this anxiety and the depression i get from this never ever goes away etc I feel very hopeless again. Why is it I am so vulnerable right now. The night before yesterday I was thinking that I was doing better and decided to watch some disturbing movie with my bf because i thought i could handle it but i dont know if i handled it pretty well. It was about a young girl my age who tried to kill herself. Probably not a good idea since one mf my biggest fears is doing that to myself even though i dont want to. But last night i kept thinking Would i want to ever do that? What if this anxiety gets so bad etc. . My work is not going so good either. my manager is not promoting me because I have an anxiety disorder and take medicine for it. and she is telling other people too. its a terrible place to be. I hate my job. Is this possibly why my panic attacks are creeping back in and my obsessive thoughts too?

Nole · Post by **Nole** » Thu Aug 14, 2008 4:51 am

Your job has no right in doign what they are doing. They should not be telling others your persoanl problems. This could very well be what is causing the increase in anxiety.

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Thu Aug 14, 2008 5:00 am

Holly, your boss broke the law. I'm not a lawyer, but I have managed private and in-hospital clinics for so many years, I certainly know some information about an employee is not for discussion with anyone. Your specific medical information is not open for discussion. There are plenty of free legal services in California where you can discuss this with an attorney.

suzzie · Post by **suzzie** » Thu Aug 14, 2008 2:30 pm

holly,
I have gone through the exact same thing. I'm feeling pretty good, even telling myself how great I'm feeling, almost as if it is gone forever, and then, boom!!!11 its back and I fall into that hole, wondering what happened, did I eat something, did I dream something bad, etc. One thing I will say that really helps me, I never watch anything negative on tv or the movie theater, I don't watch the news, because 99% of it is negative. It really does help me. I hope it helps you. Suzzie

Holly J · Post by **Holly J** » Thu Aug 14, 2008 5:51 pm

thank you all. I wont watch anything disturbing anymore. And i know there is a law for this i just dont know what its called.

FrancesL · Post by **FrancesL** » Thu Aug 14, 2008 7:11 pm

Holly,

I have seen many of your posts...you seem to have such a sweet spirit. I am sorry you are struggling so much with this.

Don't worry. You will have good days and bad on the road to recovery. I did that the last time I recovered and this time, going through it again, I noticed it is the same. I even found some of my old journaling from the first time I went through it 8 years ago! It was encouraging to see the daily detail and evidence of that. Don't let it bother you. You know you are making progress the more and more good days you have. So, you are recovering! That is just part of it a lot of the time. Hang in there! Be encouraged...it's normal.

Holly J · Post by **Holly J** » Fri Aug 15, 2008 6:00 am

Thank you Frances! I will hang in there. I feel like that cat. The one that "hangs in there baby." lol

Don57 · Post by **Don57** » Fri Aug 15, 2008 8:26 am

Holly,

I have seen many of your posts...you seem to have such a sweet spirit. I am sorry you are struggling so much with this.

Don't worry. You will have good days and bad on the road to recovery. I did that the last time I recovered and this time, going through it again, I noticed it is the same. I even found some of my old journaling from the first time I went through it 8 years ago! It was encouraging to see the daily detail and evidence of that. Don't let it bother you. You know you are making progress the more and more good days you have. So, you are recovering! That is just part of it a lot of the time. Hang in there! Be encouraged...it's normal.

I totally concur with FrancesL again. As we improve our brain is going to occasionally have what I call "flashbacks". It's going to test us and our resolve to remain committed to recovery. I see it as the old ways dying by kicking and screaming at us to stay in "familiar" territory and in the rut we've been in for a long time. You say you keep falling. I remember someone posted this some time ago on the forum and I printed it out for myself.

Success can be defined as: Falling down 7 times, getting up 8 times.

As FrancesL said, don't make a big deal of it. Keep working and you'll get better.

proudmomof2 · Post by **proudmomof2** » Fri Aug 15, 2008 8:35 am

Holly, First of all let me say that you are a beautiful girl and you sound intelligent and sensitive. Don't forget that about yourself. Don't let hateful people bring you back down. What your boss did is essentially discrimination. Employers are not allowed the hire, fire, harass, etc. employees due to their race, ethnicity, handicap, medical condition, etc. Further, discussing your personal file with fellow employees and co-workers is not only an ethical issue but a legal issue like HIPAA. You have every right to be offended by this. You can call the EEOC at 1-800-669-4000 for free information. They often do probono cases if you cannot afford an attorney. Mental handicaps are no less medical handicaps in the eyes of the law.

poppyuk · Post by **poppyuk** » Fri Aug 15, 2008 11:21 am

hi all i am just starting the programme again after a year and i am back to square one. i am worse than ever and am anxious all the time and feel so low. i am finding it hard to feel enthusiastic about anything. im feeling scared and nervous all the time and i cant remember feeling this bad for a long time. is anyone else in a state of continuous anxiety adrenilin fushing horrible feelings. hope to hear from a nice person . take care.