Hi,
I'm a 29 year old woman who is suffering from depression and I guess at times more severe anxiety. In November of last year I decided to move back home to Europe after have lived in the states for almost 7 years. My decision was partly based on my ex boyfriends move to Europe but also that I felt that I missed home and started to have daily panic attacks. Since then SO many things have happened which I think has made me depressed. First of all my stepdad died of lungcancer, my relationship ended after two years, my mom ended up in the hospital and I lost my job. I know this is enough to trigger the depression, but I also have a lot of other issues buried that I need to sort out.
I've always had a sense of missing out in life,I'm terrified of boredom, and I don't feel at home in my homecountry anymore. I also, almost always feel that I am on the run, that there is something better and greater somewhere else and with other people. I've even started to doubt my feelings for my best childhood friends and wonder if they are good enough, or fun enough for me. I know I these are ridiculous expectations to have, but I still have them. AND I also feel that my home country, even though I wanted to move home is too boring, not enough of fun things to do and I always feel that I should live somewhere else. This feeling of wanting to sort of escape has always been with me, maybe since my mom is an alcoholic and I needed to escape into my own pretend world when I was little in order to feel better about everything. Well, I'm a grown woman now and this behavior is still with me.
I do see a very good therapist in my home city who sort of forced me to make a decision to either stay in my home city and go through the therapy and deal with all the feelings, depression, heartbreak after my ex and everything else, or move, yet again to another place to deal with it there. I did decide to stay at home and deal with it and to some extent I feel that it's a good thing. It's just that I still have that strong urge to escape to somewhere new and start fresh, but then I'm scared that I will never deal completely with this feeling. I also have had an uneasy feeling when it comes to living in one place for too long, or just the very act of even buying new things for my apartment in case I will leave soon. I never really feel really at home anywhere and now when I have decided to stay in my home city I am totally freaking cuz I think somewhere else is better and that it doesn't feel at home for me anymore. I know I have to stop at some point and deal with these feeling, my instinct is to escape cuz the grass might be greener....can someone relate to these feelings? they feel like torture! I want to feel at home, but then again, the feelings of being somewhere else have always been stronger. Sorry for the massive post, but really needed to let it out!
Thanks for reading!
Can someone relate?
You sound like you had a rough year. There were so many things on your plate at once. You are doing great for all that you have gone through.
The feeling of not feeling at home is a tough one. I would think that looking inside may help you to feel more at home wherever you are.
Love yourself for who YOU are. YOU are a great person and by coming here you show the spirit and tenacity to make a difference.
God bless
Zoe
The feeling of not feeling at home is a tough one. I would think that looking inside may help you to feel more at home wherever you are.
Love yourself for who YOU are. YOU are a great person and by coming here you show the spirit and tenacity to make a difference.
God bless
Zoe
Hello Annah:
I understand those feelings of needing to move on. Bless you. During most of my years I moved nearly every 3 or 4 years. (or sooner).
But the truth is, that wherever that I moved, I took me along. So soon I was feeling the urge again.
I think those feelings do come from within.
So learning to really accept yourself is the key. And Loving yourself.
Love that little girl who had to escape painful realtiy long ago.
Be gentle and kind to her.
Thus learning to accept who you are and loving yourself.
When you become content with where you are and who you are, then you can move to whereever you please. And not doubt your decisions.
Keep posting here. You'll find many that will support you as you work the program. I believe in you.
Mary Jane
P.S. I finally got to old to move. LOL
But I did learn to accept myself. And while I am now content with where I live, I still remember the adventures of moving.
I understand those feelings of needing to move on. Bless you. During most of my years I moved nearly every 3 or 4 years. (or sooner).
But the truth is, that wherever that I moved, I took me along. So soon I was feeling the urge again.
I think those feelings do come from within.
So learning to really accept yourself is the key. And Loving yourself.
Love that little girl who had to escape painful realtiy long ago.
Be gentle and kind to her.
Thus learning to accept who you are and loving yourself.
When you become content with where you are and who you are, then you can move to whereever you please. And not doubt your decisions.
Keep posting here. You'll find many that will support you as you work the program. I believe in you.
Mary Jane
P.S. I finally got to old to move. LOL
But I did learn to accept myself. And while I am now content with where I live, I still remember the adventures of moving.
Have a great day,
Jenn
Jenn
You have had so many external stressors in your life recently, it would trigger depression and anxiety in most of us. I read through your post several times and have one solid piece of advice for you. You need to change your thinking. You tell yourself you are missing out. You tell yourself you don't want to be bored, you always want to run away (from your life?), and you created a fantasy world as a child that does seem to still exist. You are simply missing life in the present moment. This moment is the only one you live in. It is only as good or bad as you make it. If it is good, you make it that way. If it is bad, you make it that way. External bad things happen to all of us. Your behavior is created by you. If you change your thinking, your life might interest you.
Your statement is your own answer: the feelings of being somewhere else have always been stronger
which means you are not comfortable in your own life moment. Again, it is the only one you can live in.
Your statement is your own answer: the feelings of being somewhere else have always been stronger
which means you are not comfortable in your own life moment. Again, it is the only one you can live in.
Thanks for reading my post and for your advice. I know that I have to change my thinking and I sometimes do manage to do it. I did the program several times a couple of years ago and some of the skills still helps. Right now I have a lot of heartache from my past relationship. I wonder if I was right to call it off when he told me that he couldn't see a future with me. I said that I never wanted to talk to him again..was I fair? could I have done something different to save the relationship? Also, it is so true that I still live to some extent in that fantasy world I once created as a little girl and I tend to hide there for most of the time, maybe that's why it's so difficult sometimes to enjoy the present moment or the people I'm with. Regardsless, my thinking needs to change, but how to you deal with things when you feel that you need to be sad over everything and yet still think positive...how do you combine those without putting certain feelings aside that I feel I have to feel?
thanks again for just being there! All of you!
thanks again for just being there! All of you!
Annah,
I read your posts. As far as feeling sad over these things...of course you do! It is more harmful to pretend that this is not the case. You can tell yourself, of course I feel sad, this is a normal response and that is okay. I will get through this and there are other things on the horizon...this is just a chapter in my life and I can use it to prepare me for the next one.
You are not wrong for calling it off with someone who says they do not see a future with you. You are actually a very strong and intelligent female for doing so! I can't tell you how many women I know who don't have those kind of guts! I'm proud of you!!! Don't second guess yourself here girl...you're right as rain, as they say.
Something else to think about...WHAT IS home to you? In other words, would you know what home was when you "got there?" Maybe sit down and write out what you want in life...and what you DON'T want. WRITE it out. Where would you want to live (i.e. by the water, in a country town, in a big city), do you want to be married and if so, what are the things you want in a husband? Are you a career woman, or a stay at home wife/mom? What is the FEELING you are missing that would feel like home? Begin to write out what you want in your life and what that is...otherwise how would you recognize it? Who do you want to be? What are the things you love about yourself?
Just start asking yourself all these questions...perhaps it will lead you where you want to go, and show you what you are running from.
"HOME" has to come from within...but if you have a clear idea of the outer life that "home" is to you...if you look around and are living in that...then you pretty much know that what's missing is within. (Wink) What are you afraid of missing out on...and if you missed it...what would be so bad about that?
I read your posts. As far as feeling sad over these things...of course you do! It is more harmful to pretend that this is not the case. You can tell yourself, of course I feel sad, this is a normal response and that is okay. I will get through this and there are other things on the horizon...this is just a chapter in my life and I can use it to prepare me for the next one.
You are not wrong for calling it off with someone who says they do not see a future with you. You are actually a very strong and intelligent female for doing so! I can't tell you how many women I know who don't have those kind of guts! I'm proud of you!!! Don't second guess yourself here girl...you're right as rain, as they say.
Something else to think about...WHAT IS home to you? In other words, would you know what home was when you "got there?" Maybe sit down and write out what you want in life...and what you DON'T want. WRITE it out. Where would you want to live (i.e. by the water, in a country town, in a big city), do you want to be married and if so, what are the things you want in a husband? Are you a career woman, or a stay at home wife/mom? What is the FEELING you are missing that would feel like home? Begin to write out what you want in your life and what that is...otherwise how would you recognize it? Who do you want to be? What are the things you love about yourself?
Just start asking yourself all these questions...perhaps it will lead you where you want to go, and show you what you are running from.
"HOME" has to come from within...but if you have a clear idea of the outer life that "home" is to you...if you look around and are living in that...then you pretty much know that what's missing is within. (Wink) What are you afraid of missing out on...and if you missed it...what would be so bad about that?
Hey FrancesL and thanks so much for your post! I know I have a long way to go when it comes to finding that place I call home, whether it's in me or elsewhere. I just never really felt that security and calm to really just enjoy my home so that will be a huge lesson to learn in the next..well, I don't really know 
This is actually the first time in my life that I am really dealing with these questions that I have carried around for all my life. I also think that I've been afraid to ask myself certain questions cuz I'm afraid that reality won't meassure up to my expectations. I had a fairly good day today, and for a brief moment I could feel the sense of calm in finding myself again...felt so good, even though it was short lived. Still trying NOT to fill my days with activities, yet another thing I tend to do as a form of escape from just being where I am. Well, regardless, I am so greatful that I have people here in this forum who are so supportive! Thanks again!
This is actually the first time in my life that I am really dealing with these questions that I have carried around for all my life. I also think that I've been afraid to ask myself certain questions cuz I'm afraid that reality won't meassure up to my expectations. I had a fairly good day today, and for a brief moment I could feel the sense of calm in finding myself again...felt so good, even though it was short lived. Still trying NOT to fill my days with activities, yet another thing I tend to do as a form of escape from just being where I am. Well, regardless, I am so greatful that I have people here in this forum who are so supportive! Thanks again!Annah,
I have a couple of things that I thought of about the "Quest" for home. When I searched my soul for the meaning of home, I cam up with a need to feel secure. The need to feel safe in my surroundings. This is what we all crave as little people and very often our homes were not safe havens but the complete opposite.
So, let's bring up some very famous quotes.
"Home is where the heart is"
Now what a great quote that is. The heart being love and love being God. You might want to find a piece of spirituality that brings you to the home. I know I battle with control issues and when I hand it over to God, it seems to dissipate and I feel more at "home" with myself.
I hope this helps. God Bless
Zoe
I have a couple of things that I thought of about the "Quest" for home. When I searched my soul for the meaning of home, I cam up with a need to feel secure. The need to feel safe in my surroundings. This is what we all crave as little people and very often our homes were not safe havens but the complete opposite.
So, let's bring up some very famous quotes.
"Home is where the heart is"
Now what a great quote that is. The heart being love and love being God. You might want to find a piece of spirituality that brings you to the home. I know I battle with control issues and when I hand it over to God, it seems to dissipate and I feel more at "home" with myself.
I hope this helps. God Bless
Zoe
Well I can sort of relate to what your feeling and all I can think of is if you are never really content with where you are because you feel your missing out on something then why don't you travel. The best way to know what if is to do the very thing your what if-ing. Unless you have the means, get a job where you can travel the world, then you can see many things,go many places and meet many people and have a sense of fulfillment. Your problems will go wherever you go so you will just have to be a work in progress but at least you will have that sense of fulfillment and you will get to do the very thing your obsessing about not doing. If you did this then when all was said and done you would be able to say you did the very thing that you wanted to do and will appreciate your surroundings because you wont have that feeling anymore of missing out on something. As far as having a therapist in your home town, take the program with you and use it everyday where ever it is you are. The best therapist you can have is yourself because ultimately we are the only ones that can fix us. I know to some this may seem a bit far fetched because some of us are not able to just pick up and go although I know I have felt like you at times. I however do not have the ability to do that because I have a husband and 3 kids. If I was younger and had the opportunity to do it I would do it because knowledge is power and everywhere we go in life, everyone we meet, everything we do will stays with us for ever. I believe everyone that comes into our lives is there for a reason and even if we do not recognize what that reason is some day when we look back we will understand why it was it happened the way it did. Running away is never the answer because where ever you go, your problems go right along with you so just own them, know they are there and are very real and take them with you where ever you end up and work on fixing them and you everyday. Whether you stay in Europe or decide to travel the world.