Sad memories

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Wed Jul 16, 2008 11:12 am

Hi All. I started this Support Circle for Depression, and it looks like I am the first one to need some help. My mother died in March, and every day I drive to the little town where she and my father lived (he died last year) and I take care of their little house. It will be on the market for sale soon, but in the mean time, it is one of the saddest things I do. Everyday I steel myself up and listen to happy music while I drive over, and I do positive Self Talk. As soon as I arrive there I begin to recall both my parents in their yard, where they enjoyed sitting during summer and I begin to miss them all over again. I know it is okay to be this sad, but I wonder if anyone has been through this and figured out how to gradually turn the sad memories into happier memories. This is a hard one for me.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jul 16, 2008 12:02 pm

Oh Pecos, I do understand!

I grew up on a small farm. My parents grew old there. My Dad died 36 years ago. My Mom died
27 years ago.

I thought that I had adjusted to them being gone. The farm was divided up and sold.
But in the year 2000 I decided to go down those country roads where I grew up. It is a consideral distance from a town.
So I drove down there. (I don't live near there anymore and haven't lived in that county since I left home years and years ago.)

Well as I drove down the road and saw the farm where my parents had lived and where I grew up,
I began to sob. I cried so hard that I choked.
I couldn't breathe. I suddenly missed my parents so badly, and I missed that place where I grew up. It had new houses on it.
It took me weeks to get over the sorrow I felt.

I haven't been back there anymore.

So I do know how you feel when you see that little house your parents lived in.

I don't have any advice though on how to bear it.
All I can do is just say: I understand.
MaryJane

Barb G. · Post by **Barb G.** » Wed Jul 16, 2008 12:33 pm

They say time heals. Well, my niece was 22 and killed on a motorcycle (her first and last ride).It was hard on us for quite a while especially my kids. I have her pic on my desk her now and my husband has it at work. She bought a car from him about a month before she died. We all miss her a lot still but believe me time does heal. That's the best I can say. Prayers to you.

Unicorn1524 · Post by **Unicorn1524** » Wed Jul 16, 2008 12:49 pm

I think it is natural to feel sad, but perhaps there is also another way of looking at it. The reason you are sad is because you loved - your parents, your childhood, your family home. Be grateful for that love, for those memories. Not everyone is so blessed. Remember the good times, and be grateful that you experienced them. Gratitude can made a big difference in your sad feelings.

JayBee7 · Post by **JayBee7** » Wed Jul 16, 2008 3:22 pm

I am sorry that you have lost both your Mom and your Dad. I have lost mine too. After my Mom passed, I would think "Oh, I've got to phone Mom and tell her about that!" and then I would realize she was not there. It took me 2 years to go through her two boxes of things from the nursing home. (I gave everything else she had to the nursing home for the other patients.)It took me 10 years to finally go through the remains of her things which I couldn't deal with before. Things like her check book and her calendar where she had made notations for appointments and reminders. Silly isn't it? But it showed her life somehow, and I couldn't just throw them out. I paint. So I painted beautiful garden flowers on a wooden box and had a wrought iron stand made for it. In it I keep memories. Things of my granny's, Dad's, and Mom's. It sits in my hallway. Generally I don't look in it at all, but every few months I will open it and browse some of the items, just to remember. It was a healing thing to make my memory box. It allowed me to save the most memorable things.

You take your time. Time does heal, and you should just let it take as much time as necessary. You have been through a very tough time - give yourself space.

Blessings, Jackie

Mary Wargo · Post by **Mary Wargo** » Wed Jul 16, 2008 4:26 pm

My mom died about 11 years ago and I still get sad sometimes and still have dreams about her. She was my best friend. There is nothing comparable to the bond we have as women with our mothers. It is unique and unlike anything else. So I just accepted the fact I will be sad sometimes and will always miss her but time does have a way of lessening the intensity. I can now smile and think of happy and fun memories I have of her without falling apart. There will always be some sadness but eventually you'll be able to feel the happy memories too as time passes. For me it just seemed to happen on its own as a natural progression of grieving. I recently wrote down all the positive and happy things I could think of from my life with my mother and keep it in my journal and read over it frequently. I can smile now about these things instead of crying - so I guess I have turned some of the sad memories to happier ones.

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Thu Jul 17, 2008 7:35 am

Thanks so much to each of you for sharing your stories. You all have such kind ways of revisiting your memories. My parents were both in their 70's. I didn't know until shortly before my mother died that she had end stage cardiac failure. She was a retired RN, and I am an occupational therapist, so she knew what I would have done: I'd have been particular about her overdoing things, I'd have fussed over her frailty. She knew she was dying, and she didn't want anyone being particular about her activities. She liked to shop and garden, and my fussing would have made her unhappy. I guess I'm glad I did not know. I like the memory box idea, and think I will add that to my homework list. I am truly grateful for each shared posting here.

InHisWordEO · Post by **InHisWordEO** » Thu Jul 17, 2008 9:09 am

I can identify with all of your comments and feelings. My mom was 71 and died unexpectedly while on a cruise with my Dad this April. It's already been 3 months and some days the grief is so fresh that I feel I just got the phone call. The hardest thing for me is now caring for my Dad and seeing him grieve. There's days I feel I lost them both that day. I however thank God that I still have him and my girls can enjoy time with their grandfather - but seeing him so lost is very hard. I had a great relationship with my mom, truly my best friend. Cruising was on of the things she loved best. The fact that she went quickly and without suffering (massive heart attack) while doing what she loved best brings me comfort at times. Other times, although I'm 42 I still cry my heart out because I want my Mom...My faith in Lord has been my only anchor..I cry out Him and His grace is never ending. I started a journal shortly after she passed away, and that has helped. It's still very difficult to go into their house (my Dad sleeps at our house but spends his afternoons there) and I haven't been able to go through her things. I am a not ready. Seeing some of you that have lost your parents so long ago, it makes my three month period seem so short. I am beginning to see that I will always miss her - daily but that time will hopefully have a way to lessen the pain where I can think back on the memories a bring a smile to my face, rather than a tear down my cheek. Thank you so much for sharing. I will lift each and everyone of you in prayer and ask the Lord to ease your pain, a day at a time. Pecos, since your loss was so recent, if you ever just want to "vent" or need a shoulder to lean on, let me know. God Bless!

TommyNC · Post by **TommyNC** » Thu Jul 17, 2008 11:59 am

hi Pecos
I have lost both my parents too
my dad 18 yrs ago,and my mom 29 yrs ago
When they died,a big hole was left in my life.I have since been blessed with 2 children and a good wife to help fill that hole.I believe God provides
what I need in His time.I also have a lot of good friends to help fill it .I know my parents are in good hands and one day,I believe, I will see them again.

Sometimes I get a lot of comfort when I stop and look at what I do have and be grateful for it,and not to focus on what I don`t have,because if I do,i`ll get depressed and sad instead of grateful and happy.

InHisWordEO · Post by **InHisWordEO** » Thu Jul 17, 2008 3:36 pm

Good advice Tommy. I find that my two girls and husband are a HUGE comfort to me when I am missing my Mom the most....we'll always have that huge whole in our hearts ....but God does provide what we need to get us through...His sweet grace!