Negativity in the Home

FreeToBeGG · Post by **FreeToBeGG** » Sun Jun 22, 2008 2:53 am

Hi, everyone. I have a dilemma that I am trying to figure out and would love to know how others would handle it.

I currently live with my parents. My father has his own issues with anxiety and depression and is an alcoholic. He also has a very explosive temper. He is on Paxil and Wellbutrin, but he does not take them consistently, and he drinks a lot while on them.

For the last two days, things with him have been very difficult. Although this is not unusual with him. He has been very moody and very angry. He explodes constantly at anyone who dares talk to him or not talk to him (very confusing as avoiding him does not seem to help as this sets him off, too). He is a very, very negative person, constantly criticizing anyone and everyone--from family to complete strangers. Trying to discuss how you are feeling as a result of his outbursts only seems to make matters worse. For example, yesterday, he exploded at me. I then went to my room to get away from the situation. Later in the afternoon, we tried to discuss it. I told him I was not upset about what he thought I was upset about (his response to a thought I had). What I was upset about was the inappropriateness of his outburst. What he heard was that he was a terrible person, words that never left my mouth. He does this a lot. Anytime someone tries to talk about their feelings, he hears that he is a bad person, etc. It is very frustrating and depressing. He on the other hand is free to express how he is feeling and expects others to sit there and listen and take it all in. I went to sleep last night feeling depressed about it all.

Has anyone ever felt this way or experienced this kind of thing? If so, how do or did you handle it?

Thanks,
Genie

~*schnauzermom*~ · Post by **~*schnauzermom*~** » Sun Jun 22, 2008 5:00 am

My father was much this way. I could not tolerate it anymore. I moved out. At the time it was the most healthy thing I could do for myself. He did not see himself as having an issue and therefore he had NO need to change, work on himself, etc. I had to move in order to protect myself. I saw that I was not going to be able to help him, he needed to acknowledge he had an issue and take the steps he needed to heal himself. He did neither. I refused to continue to live in a toxic environment.

FreeToBeGG · Post by **FreeToBeGG** » Sun Jun 22, 2008 7:58 am

Hi, schnauzermom, thanks for the reply. I plan to move it, but I have some debt that I need to pay off first. If I don't get this paid off, then I will be in the same situation that caused me to move back in in the first place. Thanks for your feedback. My sights are set on moving out next year. Until then, I will find some ways to cope and control my own reactions to his behavior.

Genie

~*schnauzermom*~ · Post by **~*schnauzermom*~** » Sun Jun 22, 2008 9:38 am

I know it is hard to move when you have debt. In the mean time, maybe get busy outside of the home so you can limit your encounters. It is difficult to deal with an alcoholic, they hear what they think they hear. I SOOO empathize with you though. There is no fix unless the alcoholic works on themselves. I had to love my father from a far distance. I hated what he did and how he acted, but we now see that he probably suffered from depression and anxiety. The booze got him comfortably numb. Try not to take things he says personally. My uncle told us after my fathers death that my dad loved us more than life. Hmmm? He sure had a warped way of showing it!

star 12 · Post by **star 12** » Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:47 am

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My Father doesn't drink anymore, but everything else you said about your dad is true of mine. It's tough isn't it. Hang in there. Keep busy with work and maybe volunteer. Just stay positive no matter how difficult the situation is. God will see you through.

The best is yet to come!! Really it is. God Bless!!

Unicorn1524 · Post by **Unicorn1524** » Sun Jun 22, 2008 12:05 pm

Have you ever tried Al-Anon? I've heard good things about it. It helps you learn how to deal with an alcoholic.

<A HREF="http://www.al-anon.org/" TARGET=_blank>Link</A>

FreeToBeGG · Post by **FreeToBeGG** » Sun Jun 22, 2008 12:48 pm

Unicorn, I have thought about Al-Anon. I may check into it.

Schnauzermom, I'm the kind of person with who actions speak louder than words. He's fond of saying how much he loves us, but the rest of his behavior contradicts this. I guess I just have to know in my heart that he does. However, he's behavior ruins the respect I have for him.

Star, Thanks for your reply. I appreciate greatly your words of encouragement.

I will get through this. I've always just been able to look the other way. Now that I am working on getting better myself, this kind of stuff is really affecting me. I think when he gets like this, I will escape to my room and put on the relaxation tape. Thanks for all of the support!

Genie

~*schnauzermom*~ · Post by **~*schnauzermom*~** » Sun Jun 22, 2008 4:23 pm

Schnauzermom, I'm the kind of person with who actions speak louder than words. He's fond of saying how much he loves us, but the rest of his behavior contradicts this. I guess I just have to know in my heart that he does. However, he's behavior ruins the respect I have for him.

I completely understand. I dealt the same and that is why I just could not take living with him anymore. My father never said he loved us, but he would say "I care because I work", "I send you to good schools and that is alot of money that I could do something else with." So I thought he did what most parents did, work to care for their families and send their kids to good schools. But I guess to my father this was a feat above and beyond we should have "praised" him for. So he did have good actions, but then he would ruin it my his words and behavior. I told my father that respect was NOT demanded, but EARNED. He told me it I did not like it, then there was the door. For a while I kept busy with work and friends. After some time, his behavior got really crappy because he was I was not around the house to verbally/mentally abuse. When I was, things just seemed to get worse. I finally saved enough money and the day I got sick of all his crap, I took him on his suggestion. I packed my bags and never looked back. For the time being, keep busy with working on you, maybe getting a job is you are able to, connect with friends and other family that are a positive influence.

You WILL get through this. Reach out to others that have experienced the same issues. If you attend a church, maybe they can be of assistance not only to you, but your father as well. Much peace to you!

FreeToBeGG · Post by **FreeToBeGG** » Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:46 pm

Originally posted by ~*schnauzermom*~:
He told me it I did not like it, then there was the door.

Boy, do I know this kind of manipulation. My dad told me one time when I was 18 that if I could not be the kind of daughter he wanted me to be, then he would find a new daughter. I told him to go right ahead.

Tallboy · Post by **Tallboy** » Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:08 am

Hi Free,
I can relate to your dad because I too used to have my own issues with drinking and ssri's. This is a terrible combination and your father needs help.
I went to A.A. and found it to be great. I quit drinking and learned how to control my inner anger. A.A. teaches you to be more considerate of those around you.
I don't know how much influence you have with your dad but I can tell you that A.A. would do him a world of good.
Perhaps he could also participate in this Stress program as well to deal with the anxiety and depression issues.
I can speak from my own experience that my life since quitting drinking and doing the sessions in this Stress program has improved considerably.
The combination of Paxil and drinking is extremely deadly and gets worse and worse and worse progressively. The funny thing is that while in the middle of this fatal progression one is not really aware of how bad they are getting.
A.A. gives the person a wake up call and introduces them to other people in the same situation who have a desire to "right their ship".
Do your father a seriously big favour and suggest that he at least go to a meeting in your area and offer to go with him if he is shy or hesitant.