Hey guys. . .I'm looking for some hard advice here. I actually posted earlier but then realized that my post about a coworker was filled with drama. . .which is something I'm trying to stop doing, so I deleted it.
A life coach I've been talking to pointed out that I "bleed all over" everyone in my life. . .friends, family, coworkers, internet friends. . . with constant stories of my problems and drama.
Granted, I had a lot of real problems in the last two years. . . but who doesn't have problems?
She suggested I need to stop thinking about myself so much and just make a point to hang out with friends and ask them how THEY are doing and see what I can do for THEM.
I've been so caught up in my own troubles and thoughts and fears that I hardly know where to start.
But, I know that I'm not the fun easy going loving, generous person that I'd like to be. I have become a drama queen and self-centered.
How do we stop that? What are the steps to be free from that? I have read another thread from a year ago with some tips. . . some of it related to chosing your friends more carefully.
Any tips are welcome!!
Less Drama
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Guest
dont get me wrong but I dont think anxiety changes who you truly are deep inside before my anxiety started I was funny and outgoing and caring but especially caring so if one of my good friends or family came to me with a problem I would still help them out like I used to and I know it would make me feel good in the long run. so basically I can say never forget your roots and as far as "bleeding on everyone" we all do it cause were reaching out and I personally think you life coach should understand that.
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Guest
Thanks. That is true. . . I want to be able to help people out, but I think some of my friends have started to think I have too much going on of my own. I don't like that. So, I'm just on a path to try and look at what others need and what others want to talk about instead of playing the "poor me" card all the time.
I'm pretty embarrassed with myself right now.
My coach said. . . when I mentioned I had a hard time at one of my friend's houses. . .that I get panic over there because there are always so many people just having a fun time and I have a hard time letting go and having fun. I have come to a point where I just always want to talk about my life and problems and it's hard to do that when there are so many people just having fun. It's wrong. . . and last time I went there I had my panic attack and then decided to jump in the pool and have fun. That was a good thing. But my coach mentioned that my job as a "good friend" is not to hang out with people to have a good time or get something for myself. She said that a good friend is there to enrich others' lives not find out what they can do for me.
I probably needed a little tough love, but now I'm a bit down on myself. She has some good points and I just need to be aware of how I impact others and try to listen more and focus on myself less.
She also said she thinks that I ease my anxiety by telling others about my problems and that I need to stop that.
I'm pretty embarrassed with myself right now.
My coach said. . . when I mentioned I had a hard time at one of my friend's houses. . .that I get panic over there because there are always so many people just having a fun time and I have a hard time letting go and having fun. I have come to a point where I just always want to talk about my life and problems and it's hard to do that when there are so many people just having fun. It's wrong. . . and last time I went there I had my panic attack and then decided to jump in the pool and have fun. That was a good thing. But my coach mentioned that my job as a "good friend" is not to hang out with people to have a good time or get something for myself. She said that a good friend is there to enrich others' lives not find out what they can do for me.
I probably needed a little tough love, but now I'm a bit down on myself. She has some good points and I just need to be aware of how I impact others and try to listen more and focus on myself less.
She also said she thinks that I ease my anxiety by telling others about my problems and that I need to stop that.
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Carolyn Dickman
- Posts: 264
- Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2005 3:00 am
Hi Faith,
When I read this, my mother appeared in my mind. She also is filled with anxiety, but does nothing to help it. She always tells people her whole life story and makes a mountain out of a mole hill. She use to seem so giving, but now only searches for what pleases her. I think it has a lot to do with anxiety and also being scared and confused with the disorder. The first step is realizing it...which you have. Now just try and relax and just be yourself. Being around healthy positive people will make you realize how negative you can be and it will show you such a positive outlook on life. Remind yourself what a good person you are. I see you are way to down right now on yourself. Look in the mirror in the mornings and tell yourself how great you really are...it works!
When I read this, my mother appeared in my mind. She also is filled with anxiety, but does nothing to help it. She always tells people her whole life story and makes a mountain out of a mole hill. She use to seem so giving, but now only searches for what pleases her. I think it has a lot to do with anxiety and also being scared and confused with the disorder. The first step is realizing it...which you have. Now just try and relax and just be yourself. Being around healthy positive people will make you realize how negative you can be and it will show you such a positive outlook on life. Remind yourself what a good person you are. I see you are way to down right now on yourself. Look in the mirror in the mornings and tell yourself how great you really are...it works!
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Guest
yeah definetely dont be hard on yourself and remember if you werent a good friend you wouldn't have been at that party to jump in the pool so your friends see something in you and always remember that.
we all are going through soemthing udescribable and not everyone will understand so just keep being the person you are the same person that I'll bet alot of people love and respect.
we all are going through soemthing udescribable and not everyone will understand so just keep being the person you are the same person that I'll bet alot of people love and respect.
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Guest
That's me!! And I don't want it to be. So, hopefully it will change. It's going to take a lot of work and I wish there was a blueprint out there to step me through it.Originally posted by Belinda333:
Hi Faith,
She always tells people her whole life story and makes a mountain out of a mole hill.
I saw a book "Stop Whining and start living" but my coach has even said that all these counselors, books. . .etc etc are just more of the same and it's still self-absorbsion. I guess somehow I'm supposedly just cut it out and stop thinking of myself. OK. . .someone show me the switch.
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Guest
Hi Faith:
I think maybe your coach is being a little hard.
I read your post of this morning. You had a legitimate problem at work, I thought.
Anyway, I think you are going to be okay.
I'd say just not try so hard to be what your coach wants you to be. After all, you are human.
Sometimes we hurt.
Just try and put a positive spin on things.
But don't go overboard, I'd say.
Just accept who you are and where you are in the scheme of things.
Keep Posting!!
MaryJane
I think maybe your coach is being a little hard.
I read your post of this morning. You had a legitimate problem at work, I thought.
Anyway, I think you are going to be okay.
I'd say just not try so hard to be what your coach wants you to be. After all, you are human.
Sometimes we hurt.
Just try and put a positive spin on things.
But don't go overboard, I'd say.
Just accept who you are and where you are in the scheme of things.
Keep Posting!!
MaryJane
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Guest
Hi, Chris,
I agree with cornflower. It seems like your coach is being too hard on you, like she has some expectations for you that are impossibly high right now. Is this a coach through the program, or another life coach? Are they aware of all that having an anxiety disorder entails?
Maybe you should think about seeing a therapist. I started therapy a couple of months ago, and I love that I have one person that I am paying to listen to all of my problems for an hour at a time. It has reduced my need to talk about my problems with everyone else who wouldn't understand anyway. I am really sensitive to the words of others, and I would be reeling in negative self-talk as a result of some of the things your life coach is telling you. Anyway, therapy has really helped. I felt giddy after my first session because I just talked and rambled on about all of the things that are causing me problems.
Another thing is, you are working on the anxiety and stuff, so it's normal that you are going to talk about it more because it's constantly on your mind. I find journaling to help. It helps me get out all of this stuff. Also, if actual writing seems to take too much energy, and sometimes it does, it also may help to have one of those little tape recorder things that you can talk into. It's kind of like talking to someone else, and it gets it all out.
Good luck! And remember that we are all here for you, and we don't mind when you bring your problems here. That's what we're here for--each other!!!
Genie
I agree with cornflower. It seems like your coach is being too hard on you, like she has some expectations for you that are impossibly high right now. Is this a coach through the program, or another life coach? Are they aware of all that having an anxiety disorder entails?
Maybe you should think about seeing a therapist. I started therapy a couple of months ago, and I love that I have one person that I am paying to listen to all of my problems for an hour at a time. It has reduced my need to talk about my problems with everyone else who wouldn't understand anyway. I am really sensitive to the words of others, and I would be reeling in negative self-talk as a result of some of the things your life coach is telling you. Anyway, therapy has really helped. I felt giddy after my first session because I just talked and rambled on about all of the things that are causing me problems.
Another thing is, you are working on the anxiety and stuff, so it's normal that you are going to talk about it more because it's constantly on your mind. I find journaling to help. It helps me get out all of this stuff. Also, if actual writing seems to take too much energy, and sometimes it does, it also may help to have one of those little tape recorder things that you can talk into. It's kind of like talking to someone else, and it gets it all out.
Good luck! And remember that we are all here for you, and we don't mind when you bring your problems here. That's what we're here for--each other!!!
Genie
Thanks MaryJane. Maybe she is being a little hard but ultimately she's trying to show a little tough love I think.
And. . .she didn't let me tell her the whole story (some of which unfolded after we talked) because to her the whole thing just sounded like a minor misunderstanding and me gossiping to others at work about it.
But, truly this person at work seems to get real pleasure in catching others doing something wrong and pointing that out to management as them being incompetant or unable to perform.
Another example was I was given a lead role for the month of May for a product implementation. We have a coordinator for each month. For the May one, they decided to delay it and combine it with June, which was her turn. The manager over that said to just let one person do June because she didn't want to go to two people. Since I'd already processed and tested all of the May code, she offered to handle mine and hers for June. Well, that got told to my manager as "May was taken away" from me. So, my manager who is new to the team gets the feeling that I'm not respected enough or that I'm not able to do it since it was "taken away" from me.
So yes, my idea of going to this woman and trying to have a little chat about how we can work together better. . . I'm not sure it's that simple. And this person has been spoken to twice since she's been in the group about how the others perceive her and to try and tone it down. But, any time she gets a chance to take someone down she will.
And, with the situation this week she had said to me when I got the chance to work from home that I'm too new. And wouldn't you know it although my manager didn't mention it, after she talked to her this week about me missing a particular procedure on a log file (that nobody bothered to tell me) my manager now thinks I should work from home less so I can have mentoring (which I certainly won't get from her!)
So yeah. . .I know it was a legitimate problem but my thing is. . .it upset me so much that I was unable to calm down all evening and didn't even sleep well that night.
And, I went and talked to three different people at work besides my manager about it. That reaction I feel was not right and a bit overboard.
So, I just want to figure out where the balance is and how to not make it into QUITE such a big deal. I mean, it's not like I got fired. . . and it's not like I'll never be able to work from home. But, I feel like I was set up, and I feel like a failure, and that is not a good feeling.
On the other hand since I always seem to have something going on that is a BIG DEAL and DRAMA, I have to think that some of this I'm bringing on myself.
And. . .she didn't let me tell her the whole story (some of which unfolded after we talked) because to her the whole thing just sounded like a minor misunderstanding and me gossiping to others at work about it.
But, truly this person at work seems to get real pleasure in catching others doing something wrong and pointing that out to management as them being incompetant or unable to perform.
Another example was I was given a lead role for the month of May for a product implementation. We have a coordinator for each month. For the May one, they decided to delay it and combine it with June, which was her turn. The manager over that said to just let one person do June because she didn't want to go to two people. Since I'd already processed and tested all of the May code, she offered to handle mine and hers for June. Well, that got told to my manager as "May was taken away" from me. So, my manager who is new to the team gets the feeling that I'm not respected enough or that I'm not able to do it since it was "taken away" from me.
So yes, my idea of going to this woman and trying to have a little chat about how we can work together better. . . I'm not sure it's that simple. And this person has been spoken to twice since she's been in the group about how the others perceive her and to try and tone it down. But, any time she gets a chance to take someone down she will.
And, with the situation this week she had said to me when I got the chance to work from home that I'm too new. And wouldn't you know it although my manager didn't mention it, after she talked to her this week about me missing a particular procedure on a log file (that nobody bothered to tell me) my manager now thinks I should work from home less so I can have mentoring (which I certainly won't get from her!)
So yeah. . .I know it was a legitimate problem but my thing is. . .it upset me so much that I was unable to calm down all evening and didn't even sleep well that night.
And, I went and talked to three different people at work besides my manager about it. That reaction I feel was not right and a bit overboard.
So, I just want to figure out where the balance is and how to not make it into QUITE such a big deal. I mean, it's not like I got fired. . . and it's not like I'll never be able to work from home. But, I feel like I was set up, and I feel like a failure, and that is not a good feeling.
On the other hand since I always seem to have something going on that is a BIG DEAL and DRAMA, I have to think that some of this I'm bringing on myself.
Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.
~John F. Kennedy
~John F. Kennedy
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Bakedpears
- Posts: 73
- Joined: Sat Aug 11, 2001 3:00 am
Hey there. . . guess we were posting at the exact same time. My coach is actually a coach from another program that is for panic attacks. She suffered for like 20 years herself. So, she knows what it's like.Originally posted by FreeToBeGG:
Hi, Chris,
I agree with cornflower. It seems like your coach is being too hard on you, like she has some expectations for you that are impossibly high right now. Is this a coach through the program, or another life coach? Are they aware of all that having an anxiety disorder entails?
Genie
But yeah it is impossible to change over night and maybe she's frustrated with me at how long it's taking.
I also have a counselor that I go to. At the moment, my hubby is coming with me because we were having serious marriage problems up until recently.
He has been really great the past few years but one thing about him is for the panic in particular he's not the greatest. He'll tell me to get on medication. He's good at helping me with childhood stuff and relational issues though.
I've thought about going back to an old counselor now that I live in another part of town, who does CBT type stuff.
However, my coach thinks that having someone to just go "whine to" is not going to get me better; that I just need to stop sort of playing the victim and over come it.
OHHHHH OK!! Let me do that right now.
