Really bad day! Yuck!

ajh0215 · Post by **ajh0215** » Sun Jun 15, 2008 6:42 am

Hi all. I just need to vent: I slipped into a major depression and am really loathing myself.

When I'm very depressed, I don't know myself, and I've been wondering for a week or so whether I really love my boyfriend (We've been together about ten weeks and there was a time when I thought I really did/do love him; we even said "I love you" to each other.). I've been totally obsessing over "What if I don't love him really?", as well as over sex, a possible future together, and even someday having kids.

I have never felt "relationship love" before; this is my first serious relationship: all of this is new and scary. My boyfriend and I are both great communicators, so he knows pretty much everything; this morning, I broke down in tears and admitted to my boyfriend that I don't know whether I actually love him. He comforted and took care of me! He's an amazing guy; why can't I be sure of my feelings for him? I worry so much about hurting him because I know I DO hurt him.

Right now, I don't know myself. I don't know what I want, and I don't know what I feel except for the fact that I hate myself for hurting my boyfriend (and other loved ones) with my disorder. Depression is eating me up!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:22 am

I totally understand what you are going through. Relationships are tricky. I have been in a relationship for five years. I feel bad sometimes because my anxiety interferes with the relationship. I can get really needy sometimes. Another problem with the relationship is initimacy part of it. I was on an antidepressant for years and totally killed my libidio. My bf has a strong drive, so it makes things tough. He sounds like a good guy. I understand how you feel about the love part, sometimes i feel that way too. I have high expectations and when he doesnt do things that i think he should i feel less loved. Sometimes I even wonder if I am just hanging on to my bf because he is my safe place. Take things one day at a time and just focus on getting better. What attracted you to your bf? What good qualities does he have?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:40 am

Don't hate yourself. You're putting unnessecary guilt on yourself. First of all relationships are hard when we're feeling our best. Nevermind, when we're going through depression on top of it. Slow down. You're not seeing things clearly right now. It sounds like you've got a pretty great guy, he understands you're problems and that is great.

Are you on any meds for your depression? Have you thought about trying some. Sometimes, they are necessary for a while.

Also, are you doing the program? It is tremendously helpful with depression. It really helps you pull yourself up with positive talk.

Don't despair. This can be overcome. You will come out of this. Let me know how you're doing.

Donna

MatthewM · Post by **MatthewM** » Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:06 am

Remember to watch your diet! Lay off alcohol (breaks down to sugar), raw sugars, and caffeine. This is critical! No stimulants. Walk, exercise, SWEAT! Distract yourself. It's not all about you. Listen to session 3 again and again. You need to break the self-punishment cycle and you will.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jun 16, 2008 3:08 pm

Thank you so much, SpecialK, Donna, and J-Lin for your responses! My depression caused me to evaluate my relationship; I cried a LOT and thought a LOT and I realized (very painfully) that I have been forcing myself to continue a relationship that I know now was not right for me. I truly was not and am not in love with my now ex-boyfriend. I was honest with myself and with him and, while crying again, I broke up with him last night.

I learned that my massive anxiety over the past 12 weeks or so have been because I have been lying to myself and forcing myself to "do relationship." I have been doubting my relationship for quite some time, but I chalked my fears up to "just my anxiety." I was exhausted with worry and depression and, when I finally broke down and let myself think (yesterday), I realized that I was with a very caring, kind, considerate, generous guy, but NOT the right guy for me.

Today, my depression has lifted because I have finally been true to myself and to him. I'm feeling a whole TON of guilt over hurting him and over lying to myself and to him (even though I didn't know I was lying), and for dragging him through my anxiety and depression hell, and for putting him through a break-up. I know I made the right decision, though, and I'm journaling about my feelings. I've explained where I'm coming from to him (I told him the truth (that I feel like I've been lying, that I am not in love), even though it was SO hard; I owe him the truth, though), apologized profusely, apologized again, cried, apologized some more, and am trying to move on from my guilt.

By the way, I've cut back significantly on caffeine and even more on alcohol and I am exercising. I am working on Session 3 of the program; my grandma bought it for me!

Thank you again!