Growing up with Negative Talk from an Verbal Abusive Mom

Kay Lynn · Post by **Kay Lynn** » Fri Jun 13, 2008 10:20 am

My mom was so verbally abusive that I moved so far a from way her. And I don't call her because when I do I know that there will be something that she has to critize me about.
I was just wondering if there was anybody else who has the same problem with their parent's.
If this has been posted before I am sorry I am still trying to get through every post. I would just like to know that I am not alone in this area.

Carolyn Dickman · Post by **Carolyn Dickman** » Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:14 am

hi!
Your mom sounds just like my mum. However, it's your role to change your coz you have to be comfortable with yourself to the extend where by her criticism won't affect. Always remember your perception about yourself is what matters most. if you always believe that your have a short coming that will always affect your level of self-esteem. Just focus on the +ve side.For your moms case, don't let her tear you down with the -ve vibe; always stand up for yourself when you believe your right.She too has to realize she has her own flaws. I really don't have a good relationship with my mom; sometimes, I call her and we talk and I always try to be brief with her, as soon as she starts her -ve vibe i end the conversation.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:56 am

This was a tough one to read because I too can relate. Mom was very negative the entire time I grew up, and I also fled the moment I had the chance. Now, I'm stuck. She lives only about 1/4 mile away and is very ill; mostly bedridden. Her friends have slowly, for the most part, dropped away one by one. "Sick people are no fun", is the message she's gotten. So, I am her friend, and her helper when she's unable to do things on her own. My dad has a large ranch. He is 62 now and works outdoors most of the day. My son is his only help, but dad does pay him. I would like to move a bit farther away, but my husband and I really feel we cannot leave them under the circumstances. It is a burden we have committed to bearing, but it's tough. Now that Mom is so ill, she is even more negative. I understand, but I still go batty listening to it sometimes. I have to really fight my first impulse, which is to get mired down in it, but the program has helped me to work on me and not her. I am changing. She may never do so, but I won't allow her to drag me down anymore. At least most of the time...

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jun 18, 2008 2:05 pm

My mother was/is the same way. One thing that helped me was the lesson on expectations. It is expected of me that I call her, but that doesn't mean I HAVE to. Most of the time I don't call. And like others have said, when I do and the conversation turns sour I have the option of ending the call. Sometimes I just don't respond to the comment at all (under-react),there's a long pause after which she says "are you still there?". I say yes, and change the subject or I say I have to go now. I can't change her, but I don't have to agree with her behavior nor do I have to participate in the game. I sympathize with those who have to live close to their parents and even care for them due to illness. I can see that would be hard and am glad I don't have to deal with that right now. I have a hard time with positive self-talk, because most of my self talk is left over stuff from my mother (I even hear her voice!). It is a constant struggle, so you are not alone. I have only recently completed the program and am hoping I will get better at it the more I practice. I also need to practice assertive behavior and I'm sure you can relate to that too. It's hard to imagine you are worth standing up for, when your primary care-givers gave you the message you weren't worth anything. But that was the past. We are adults now and, as the program emphasized, we are now responsible for our own health and happiness. As I write, I see that the answer for me may be to go through the program again. And I need to practice, practice, practice. Best wishes to you in your growth.

derfy · Post by **derfy** » Thu Jun 19, 2008 2:28 am

Thank You everyone it is so great to know that I am not alone when it comes to abusive mothers.
I don't talk to my mother anymore and she lives just 45 minutes away. But my health can't take her anymore, she sends me into deep depression because I can hear her voice also A/P Pro. I have just always felt like I am alone in this because my brothers and sisters can be around my mother but I am the only one who can't take her.
Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your posts they really helped.
I have to go through the self talk at least twice a week to get her out of my head.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:15 am

I have been reading a book, Measuring Up, by Kevin Leman, Dr. He talks a lot about critical parents. (He also has a book on Birth Order).
Here are some things to remember if you are the product of critical parents:
1. Some people (parents) are born critics and complainers.
2. You don't have to believe everything your parents told or tell you.
3. You can't please some people no metter what you do ( so don't spend too much time worrying about vindicating yourself).

Also, give yourself permission to be imperfect, don't be so quick to put yourself down, do something nice for yourself, learn to think positively, learn to be forgiving.

Finally, on a personal note; I believe there are some people it is best to avoid. Sadly, they don't realize it is their loss.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jun 19, 2008 8:20 am

Thank you SCDon. I have been thinking about this today not obsessively but enough to realize my family is missing out on something great as having me for a friend or a sister.
I am compassionate, and a very good friend to people. I went back to self talk and restudied so I could get off my own back. lol.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jun 19, 2008 9:22 am

WEll last August I moved back in with my MOM, when I was living away she had fallen 4 times, and the GUILT I had, help to tear away at my last relationship. So I came home

Around the holidays I started to go in a depresion, Jan into Feb it only deepend, then I saw Lucinda B.'s informercial and I called. I'm on my 12th week. And it has been very enlighting, I still here the negative coming out of her mouth daily. I did give her the support tape, I don't know where it's at. I have been more assertive w/ her and every day working on being less affected by here, It's a work in progress. Everyday I here, I'm a senior citizen, Im too old, I can't see that good, I'm not strong enuf, I hate that dog he always has to be right there! he needs to be outside, then I tell here to stifle it or I will put her outside

NOw that the Market is getting better for me. My Goal is to buy a place again nearby and have my piece of mind back. then I'll worry about making my mortgage payments! HA! HA!

Carolyn Dickman · Post by **Carolyn Dickman** » Thu Jun 19, 2008 3:22 pm

My mother is sick also. I can't feel sorry for her though because when I was sick she wasn't there for me. My step dad got cancer and he divorced her because she would not stay with him in the hospital when he needed her, so he found someone who would.
My mother has never taken care of herself my grandparents always took care of after her two divorces, and then when my stepdad and her used to fight. She now wants everyone of us kids take care of her but she is ungrateful, and she refuses to take any kind of suggestions from us kids. She wants to go live with my sister so she can control my sister and her son. My sister just got married but my mother doesn't care she is more important than my sister's marriage. But my sister lets her do it and I won't so it makes my mother mad, because I put my husband first.

mikeytheartist · Post by **mikeytheartist** » Thu Jul 31, 2008 2:40 pm

I too grew up with an abusive mom. She died about five years ago. For me it wasn't until recently that I started to question some of her opinions or points of view (I'm over 40), and I realized she was really wrong about a lot of things.

This might be a big step, but what I did to forgive her and start moving on is that I wrote a letter listing everything that I could think of that she did that was hurtful. Then when I was ready I wrote a letter that thanked her for the good qualities that I got from her. Obviously I didn't show her these letters. They were for my use only. I took lots of time to write the second letter, but it helped me to see that a lot of the qualities I like about myself are also the same qualities she had except I'm much healthier mentally that she ever was.

I guess the biggest thing I've learned over my life is to live my own truth, and not to worry about anybody else.