I am always worried about the time when one of my parents die

Music Fan · Post by **Music Fan** » Sat Jun 07, 2008 4:57 am

I find I am worrying more and more about the time when I lose a parent. They're both 80 and while they are relatively healthly I have this fear that any day could be the day that I get that phone call. I've worried about my Dad dying for years and years since he was always overweight. Now I find I'm worrying about my Mom since she seems to be splipping a bit. I'm so afraid that I wlll totally and completely lose it when that day does come. How do people cope with this? I was just at a wake for my friend's 65 year old brother. Everyone was standing around gabbing and laughing about old times. I just can't see myself ever being able to do that if it was my brother lying there in the coffin. I'm crying as I write this so I know this is really touching a big nerve with me. The fear of losing someone I love and NEED in my life. And I'm already worried that I will spiral downward as a result. I'm turning 50 this year and I think it's really hitting me hard. That sense of my own mortality and not being "young" anymore. I look at people in their 50's and see them as active and healthy. But in my mind it's a huge milestone that just emphasizes a wasted life. Never married, no kids. All because of anxiety and depression that have held me back. That's why I'm doing this program I guess. But I find the physical sensations of stress are like a anchor around my neck sometimes. A constant reminder that I am not happy and not normal. Thanks for letting me vent. I'd appreciate any pick-me-up responses.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jun 07, 2008 6:01 am

music fan i really do know and understand you. see i had a son in law and in 1999 in was killed and only 31 but i have since realized that WE have no control for your parents to be in there 80 you are surely blessed my father passed young i am 53 and sometimes i think we feel were getting old but put it this way we are wiser and probably see ourselve in the wrong way i too have friends that are more active then myself but that deos not mean i am still human i am still here thanxiety can do alot but you probably as sensitive as i am when my brother passed he was 34 and i tried to go to the funeral but could not but i know he is ok i hope i have helped you in someway take care and good luck try not to let it get the est of you!!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jun 08, 2008 6:39 am

I worried constantly about my mother's health when she got older and my biggest fear was the day she would no longer be my mother and best friend. I too thought I would totally fall apart and couldn't even imagine my life without her. Well, the day did happen and yes I did kinda fall apart for awhile but somehow I found the strength to keep going and accept the fact that my life was different now. Not necessarily worse, just different. It does bring up feelings over our own mortality and the loss of our youth. I don't mean to depress you saying that but I've tried to honor the different stages and chapters in my life. They change and we really need to honor and respect them. The resistance will only make it worse - believe me I tried it, it doesn't work.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:55 pm

This is one of my most biggest fears. I've had it forever but have only realized it since talking with my therapist. It's about my Mom. It's very hard to even talk about because I don't know how to put it into words. I feel that because we don't live close I sort of have already distanced myself from her and I feel better about it all. But when she comes for a visit or I see her, subconciously I like lose her every time w/o me even thinking it and I throw myself into anxiety and I don't know where it's from until I really think about it. I don't know what I'm saying- I know it's still confusing and scary for me which is part of the reason why I am set up indefinitley for weekly sessions with my therapist.

Iwillbeatthis · Post by **Iwillbeatthis** » Sun Jun 08, 2008 6:46 pm

Hey staying positive... I read your post and that really hit me!!!!!
I live far from my Dad and Mom and I agree, I personally can't take seeing them. It has been 3 yrs or 4 and I am terrified to see them and I feel the same way.
I am to the point I can't even call my dad anymore because I am so terrified it will be my last call with him!!!
This is so hard for me to even write, but I feel completely what your saying.... thank you for your post..

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jun 11, 2008 2:52 pm

Went to a wake tonight of my brother-in-law's aunt. He was a big part of her life. Brought back some of my anxiety about this whole issue of death and my parents. And I sat and listened to the minister speak as my mother & father sat next to me. Very odd feelings. Wondering what my parents are thinking as the service progresses since my Mom has been talking a lot about planning their estate and funerals. Wondering how I will feel when it is one of my parents in that coffin. Very scary thoughts. And I don't do well at wakes at all. Even for people I don't even know. I see someone cry and I cry. Ugh! I hate that about myself. I know I should be saying that it shows I'm a sensitive person and can tap into other people's feelings. But I just wish I could keep it together, especially when I don't even know the person! Feels good to just put these thoughts down in writing. I think also that my lack of faith makes death feel so final. I don't believe in heaven really even though I was raised to. I hope it's up there though!! LOL! Thanks for listening.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jun 12, 2008 7:15 pm

music man - my parents are very elderly like yours. My father's alzheimer's is kicking in and he falls quite often, my mother recently had a knee replaced, and now both have been moved to assisted living in a retirement community. There have been so many rapid changes in their health that it has been scary for me and yes, i also think about my own mortality. I have learned from the program that change will always be a part of life - whether it's a good change or bad change. Anxiety will always come with these changes but the anxiety will subside once you let go of the fear. How do you let go of the fear? Visit your parents - share happy stories and thoughts with them - tell them you love them - "enjoy" them. It works for me.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Jun 13, 2008 4:45 am

This is something you definetly can't control and is definetly a part of life. I had three close family members die last year (two grandparents and a 15 year old brother). At all the visitations we laughed and joked and remembered the good times. My brother asked to be buried with a shirt that said "I'm excited to be here" and we all wore Beatles t-shirts and jeans to the funeral per his request. I try not to be preachy and I am mad that a 15 year old died when all these bad people get to live. But our beliefs have gotten us through that, I wish I could send you the interview my brother did with the paper. He was completely at peace with dying.
I miss my grandparents but now they are with their spouses again and lived full lives.