Delayed grief

[Holly J]

my ex and i broke up about 6 months ago. we were together for 4 years. he was basically my first love. i didn't feel much pain at first but now 6 months later i feel it all.(wrote a post named "i miss my ex") like as if we just broke up and i am constantly thinking of all the great amazing times we've had and it makes me so depressed that I'll get a panic attack over it or cant even function during the day. I started seeing someone basically right after because i am the kind of person who needs somebody and is afraid to be alone and i hate being that way but i am and i guess that guy i dated right after my breakup (my now boyfriend whom i live with, Nick) was a distraction to my grieving of my breakup with my ex. i am so scared and frightened to grieve i guess because i get super depressed and cannot function or have panic attacks. but since i am dealing with this all now and cant get my ex out of my mind i feel like there is some special purpose for this. . like maybe he was the one and i messed it up and ill never be happy with him etc.. my therapist told me i am having delayed grief and that it ca be normal for people who don't deal with things right away. . i guess my question is has anybody grieved over the loss of a love one or a breakup with someone later on life and how do you cope with it? because i cant stop thinking of him and i hurts me terribly and is interrupting my progress with my anxiety. its just another load on top of my anxiety and depression. or is this something else that i am obsessing over like "what if __________"(fill in the blank) with some scary thought and am making it worse because i have anxiety. i guess i feel like i will never get over him , especially if I'm having all these feelings for him now.

[LK]

Hi Holly....I don't know what your situation was at the time of your breakup, but there must have been a real reason for it. I had and still occasionally have trouble with "what ifs"...., "what if I had done this differently, then we'd still be togeather" and "things were better when I was with...". I call it my "the grass is always greener" syndrome. LOL It happens when I get down or a problem crops up in my current marriage. I have found that thinking through my thoughts about my exs and "what ifs" helps since I'm able to see why we didn't and shouldn't have stayed together, kind of a reality check. I realize that our relationship wasn't good,(we tend to only remember the good things at times), and he probably wouldn't have stuck with me in the things I've been through and am going through now, either. Hope this helps. wishing you peace and happiness....Barb

[Guest]

thanks guys

[Lazzzycat]

thanks you emmaphobia. good words. and youre right about how i was in that honeymoon stage and now im not . . . and i told my therapist about it and i think we'll work on it

[h.beth]

Holly,

You definitely moved to fast, but I wanted to more point out that "What if's" can drive you insane.

Today I am happily married, to a girl who at one point broke my heart (for us things worked out), but when we were apart I did the "What if".

Sometimes to this day I still do "What if", for a lot of things.

I tend to react with "What if" before I have all the facts, so I basically bring in the big panic before I have all the info and I'll tell you right now, in my experience my "What if's" are so much worse than what is really happening.

I think over over did the "Quotes".....sorry about that.

Try to stay positive, you are unable to change the past, so look to the future and make it as bright as possible. We really do have some control on how happy, sad, worried, etc we are.

[Lois S]

thanks Emmaphobia. Im alright today. sometimes I'll be fine in the morning and than by evening i feel terrible. . .we'll see what today brings.