Someone please help me
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Guest
I found some info on trust and wanted to share with you:
When infidelity, lies or broken promises invade a marriage, the trust between man and woman is severely damaged. However, this doesn't mean that the relationship can't be saved.
When your spouse has done something to break the trust between two, rebuilding trust in your marriage can be difficult. Here are suggestions on how to on rebuild trust.
Make a decision to love by trying to let go of the past. Stop obsessing about the situation which broke the trust between you and your spouse.
Decide to forgive or to be forgiven.
If you are the one in your marriage who lied, cheated, etc. show that the errant behavior is gone by changing your behaviors. That means no more secrets, lies, infidelity, etc.
Together, set specific goals for getting your marriage back on track.
Both of you must renew your commitment to your marriage and one another.
The wounded spouse must share the pain. The other spouse must acknowledge the hurt caused by the devastating experience of being lied to or cheated on.
Listen completely to one another and with your heart, not just your head.
Be honest.
Avoid using words that can trigger conflict. Use non-blaming 'I' statements and don't say always, must, never, or should.
Take responsibility for your own actions and decisions.
Be open to seeking counseling to have a better understanding into what caused the trust to be broken.
Remind one another that you each deserve open and honest answers to your questions about the betrayal.
Tips:
Recognize that rebuilding trust takes time. It won't happen over night.
It's okay to remember the incidents and the betrayal. You may not forget what happened, but the pain will eventually go away.
Be aware of your feelings and share your feelings with one another.
What You Need:
Time
Patience
Honesty
Commitment to your marriage
Love
Forgiveness
I'm so sorry that you are going through this and hope that he will work with you to gain your trust back. Please let us know how it is going.
When infidelity, lies or broken promises invade a marriage, the trust between man and woman is severely damaged. However, this doesn't mean that the relationship can't be saved.
When your spouse has done something to break the trust between two, rebuilding trust in your marriage can be difficult. Here are suggestions on how to on rebuild trust.
Make a decision to love by trying to let go of the past. Stop obsessing about the situation which broke the trust between you and your spouse.
Decide to forgive or to be forgiven.
If you are the one in your marriage who lied, cheated, etc. show that the errant behavior is gone by changing your behaviors. That means no more secrets, lies, infidelity, etc.
Together, set specific goals for getting your marriage back on track.
Both of you must renew your commitment to your marriage and one another.
The wounded spouse must share the pain. The other spouse must acknowledge the hurt caused by the devastating experience of being lied to or cheated on.
Listen completely to one another and with your heart, not just your head.
Be honest.
Avoid using words that can trigger conflict. Use non-blaming 'I' statements and don't say always, must, never, or should.
Take responsibility for your own actions and decisions.
Be open to seeking counseling to have a better understanding into what caused the trust to be broken.
Remind one another that you each deserve open and honest answers to your questions about the betrayal.
Tips:
Recognize that rebuilding trust takes time. It won't happen over night.
It's okay to remember the incidents and the betrayal. You may not forget what happened, but the pain will eventually go away.
Be aware of your feelings and share your feelings with one another.
What You Need:
Time
Patience
Honesty
Commitment to your marriage
Love
Forgiveness
I'm so sorry that you are going through this and hope that he will work with you to gain your trust back. Please let us know how it is going.
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Guest
Shelly,
I wish you two all the very best and believe that you can overcome- working together!
I wish you two all the very best and believe that you can overcome- working together!
Last edited by bevhembree on Sat May 24, 2008 11:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Guest
Shelly, you asked for an opinion so I'm going to be honest with you --- are over-reacting big time. Men are very visual and love to look. Just because he's masturbating to porn does not mean he's not happy with you or that your sex life is lacking or that he's looking elsewhere, and if your biggest problems in the relationship is he masturbates to porn and smokes, consider yourself EXTREMELY blessed. The mother-in-law thing is one of those things that can be chaulked up to not everybody is going to like you so what are you going to do? Maybe you can sit down with her and talk things through calmly to see if the two of you can resolve whatever problems you have with each other because if you two can get along then it makes things more comfortable for everyone in the family, especially your kids. But if you can't, then agree to be civil and respectful to each other without liking each other, like mature adults you know?
The drug addiction IS a huge problem so if that's going on you can't ignore that. That's the only thing in everything you said that I see as a problem. Everything else, in my opinion, you're over-reacting to because of your own insecurities about yourself and not because of anything he's doing wrong, and if you don't deal with your own self-esteem issues and stop reacting like this, that may be the thing that pushes him away in the long run because nobody likes to be made to feel like they're a bad person when they're not. There's only so much he'll be able to take before he says screw it I don't need this crap. Same as anybody because it's really difficult being with an incredibly insecure person who doesn't trust you, is suspicious of everything and accuses you of things you're not doing.
You're expecting him to fix your self-esteem issues and he can't, nobody can. You're the only one who can do that.
The drug addiction IS a huge problem so if that's going on you can't ignore that. That's the only thing in everything you said that I see as a problem. Everything else, in my opinion, you're over-reacting to because of your own insecurities about yourself and not because of anything he's doing wrong, and if you don't deal with your own self-esteem issues and stop reacting like this, that may be the thing that pushes him away in the long run because nobody likes to be made to feel like they're a bad person when they're not. There's only so much he'll be able to take before he says screw it I don't need this crap. Same as anybody because it's really difficult being with an incredibly insecure person who doesn't trust you, is suspicious of everything and accuses you of things you're not doing.
You're expecting him to fix your self-esteem issues and he can't, nobody can. You're the only one who can do that.
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Guest
Shelly,
Relationships can be rough at times, and as we already know depression and anxiety can make us act very selfish at times, and as "mainstaymama" said it is so easy for us to look to our partner to boost our self esteem. This is similar to what Lucinda refers to as our "safe person or safe place". I am in no position to provide concrete advice but each day in my relationship I am learning more. As much as your bf loves and cares about you, and understands your struggles, try not to magnify your insecurities. I apologize if this statement seems caustic, but it hit home when my bf told me "honey, it is unattractive when you seem so needy and as though you want me to validate your self worth." I am not saying that is what your bf means at all, but just try to see as we are all trying to see, what is the root cause of our behaviors, fears, and anxieties. Shelly, recently I have tried to not call my boyfriend or close friends as often to complain when I am going through things. Not because I doubt they will be supportive, but after a while I need to recognize and believe that I can handle it with God's strength, and hopefully by learning better coping mechanisms through the program. I realize some of my negative personality traits and coping mechanisms I learned from my immediate family, and as much as I love and adore them, when I have kids I do not want to instill those traits in them. I want them to be confident,self assured, and radiating with energy, and when life throws them speed bumps I want them to know they can eventually get over it with grace. You have already taken courageous steps by starting the program and sharing your concerns on this forum, I wish nothing but the best for you and your family. Stay blessed!
Relationships can be rough at times, and as we already know depression and anxiety can make us act very selfish at times, and as "mainstaymama" said it is so easy for us to look to our partner to boost our self esteem. This is similar to what Lucinda refers to as our "safe person or safe place". I am in no position to provide concrete advice but each day in my relationship I am learning more. As much as your bf loves and cares about you, and understands your struggles, try not to magnify your insecurities. I apologize if this statement seems caustic, but it hit home when my bf told me "honey, it is unattractive when you seem so needy and as though you want me to validate your self worth." I am not saying that is what your bf means at all, but just try to see as we are all trying to see, what is the root cause of our behaviors, fears, and anxieties. Shelly, recently I have tried to not call my boyfriend or close friends as often to complain when I am going through things. Not because I doubt they will be supportive, but after a while I need to recognize and believe that I can handle it with God's strength, and hopefully by learning better coping mechanisms through the program. I realize some of my negative personality traits and coping mechanisms I learned from my immediate family, and as much as I love and adore them, when I have kids I do not want to instill those traits in them. I want them to be confident,self assured, and radiating with energy, and when life throws them speed bumps I want them to know they can eventually get over it with grace. You have already taken courageous steps by starting the program and sharing your concerns on this forum, I wish nothing but the best for you and your family. Stay blessed!
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Guest
shelly,
you said that when he was in jail that he found GOD and was not doing the things tha he used to do and then when he go out that he started doing them again.what happened to make him start it again .no matter what anyone says even that porn is not bad to look at or that someone would do what he did as he was watching porn is ok. to me that is not what i would say.some say as long as he was doing that at home and not cheating on you then its ok. no way is it ok to do it like that.
it is not what a person looks like on the outside that counts and if you wait until you think that you look good enough to get married then i do not know what to say. please do not tak thins the wrong way.i think if 2 people love each other and want to get married then go ahead.your children need a father and if you are not married then its what happened to me.i did not have one but i made it though alot of panic and anxiety. its what you go through when you have things happen to you in life.sometime love stinks.if you forgive him ach ime he does wrong then he knows that he can do it again and you will forgive him.are you in the program .if you aren't then i think that you need to be. it will help you so much.beauty is only skin deep and one can be pretty an not even know it.
i hope that this helped and what i would do is try and find a church that you can take your family too.it will help you so much. take care and good luck and be blessed.
don
you said that when he was in jail that he found GOD and was not doing the things tha he used to do and then when he go out that he started doing them again.what happened to make him start it again .no matter what anyone says even that porn is not bad to look at or that someone would do what he did as he was watching porn is ok. to me that is not what i would say.some say as long as he was doing that at home and not cheating on you then its ok. no way is it ok to do it like that.
it is not what a person looks like on the outside that counts and if you wait until you think that you look good enough to get married then i do not know what to say. please do not tak thins the wrong way.i think if 2 people love each other and want to get married then go ahead.your children need a father and if you are not married then its what happened to me.i did not have one but i made it though alot of panic and anxiety. its what you go through when you have things happen to you in life.sometime love stinks.if you forgive him ach ime he does wrong then he knows that he can do it again and you will forgive him.are you in the program .if you aren't then i think that you need to be. it will help you so much.beauty is only skin deep and one can be pretty an not even know it.
i hope that this helped and what i would do is try and find a church that you can take your family too.it will help you so much. take care and good luck and be blessed.
don