Spousal Demands & Anxiety

Joey8892 · Post by **Joey8892** » Sun May 18, 2008 11:59 pm

Don,
Thanks for the words which I know to be true. I have asked to postpone the wedding and that we can not work as a couple until we can resolve the issues within ourselves first. She feels it is me getting "cold feet" and it will always yield this scenario based on X months before a wedding. I am 46 and she is 51 so we have a whole lifetime of defensive behavior building that needs reprogramming. She has been married 3 times and I have never been married. Sounds like a match made in heaven but it is more like hell on earth. I did ask her to marry me but yes, it was under pressure. My own pressure of wanting companionship and thinking she was the one coupled with her pressure of wanting more of me than what I was giving and living up to ideals and dreams of the future that we had painted. (now that I write that it seems my pressure was OK)
Funny thing is that I have never experienced this low self esteem and anxiety with life stressors except in realtionships. I had a taste of it once about 5 years ago which was short lived (the episode and the relationship) and with this realtionship. I have strong and learned about and admitted to fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, being assertive, mapped out my childhood, etc. I have learned alot about myself and alot about her. Unfortuneatly I feel no love for her now, am defensive to everything she says, only keep in contact due to obligation and commitment. When I don't see her the anxiety goes away. I am scared of her due to the negative feedback associated with her insecurities. Demands, control, overshadowing, one-uped, last word, condoscending, dual standards, etc.
Or is it all in my head?

Donald Brent · Post by **Donald Brent** » Mon May 19, 2008 12:35 am

WOW! YES!! I can relate to this a LOT! I had heart surgery almost a year ago, and of course this caused anxiety afterwards. My wife doesn't understand anything about how I feel and is very impatient. "Just Do It" she says all the time. We have tox to a concert tonight, and I've been dreading it all weekend.

My wife is also "devil may care" and is very frustrated with me. I keep asking her to listen to the "I will be there for you" CD, but she always finds something else to do which seems more important at the time. I don't expect her to "baby" me, just have a bit more compassion. I'm going to be more assertive and see how it goes.

Sparkus · Post by **Sparkus** » Mon May 19, 2008 11:25 am

Don- thanks for being such a help here. I actually own "Feeling good" and did that test. Of them, my worst scores were in approval seeking and issues with love. I tend to need those approving strokes from others to feel validated and fear losing love and being cut off unless I'm a good little boy. Unfortunately, I tend to forget myself in this cognitive mess while trying to people-please. I must really take hold of refuting my thinking- this goes back to Lesson 3 of the program. By the way I am really jealous of your Camaro

Penu- I have invited my wife to listen to the "I'll be there for you" tape but don't know that she did do so. Good question: The reason she can't go to Hawaii without me is that this year marks our 10th wedding anniversary. The vacation was intended to be a family one originally but this could be an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. We may just have to plan something to do together at a later time to celebrate our anniversary.

Joey- I'm in no position to judge or tell you what you should do. However, from what you said, you are in a toxic relationship and I think it is making you very unhappy. I understand the need to want to please your partner and the feeling of not wanting to be alone. But if this marriage will just lead you to misery then maybe consider this foresight rather than allow hindsight to be 20-20. Think about yourself in this and do what is right for you long term.

Donald- I know it's tough dealing with the demands & expectations of the significant other. Have you communicated to your wife that you need some consideration due to your anxieties? Sure, taking Nike's advice & 'Just Do It' seems like the answer to others but they don't realize how this anxiety stuff feels. Sounds like both our wives need to listen to the "Be there for you" tape. I'll get the duct tape...

Joey8892 · Post by **Joey8892** » Mon May 19, 2008 10:32 pm

Sparkus & Don,
So what is wrong with "people-pleasing"? That is a character trait I hold and don't see it as being negative although that is what is killing me in my current relationship. Wait a minute... I think I just answered my own question. lol.
Darn... now I'm confused.

Donald Brent · Post by **Donald Brent** » Mon May 19, 2008 11:16 pm

Sparkus... Yeah, duct tape might be the answer! We both seem to have so many outside obligations neither of us takes time for him/her self. Looks like it's time to make some serious appointments to discuss. "life is what gets in the way while you're making plans"!

Lenore · Post by **Lenore** » Tue May 20, 2008 12:19 am

I am so sorry that you are experiencing these things w/ your spouses. I didn't experience majority of these things while I was recovering.

My journey to recovery started w/ my having to go thru therapy 1st - 20mths of intensive therapy b/4 I was even ready for the program. Majority of the things I addressed in therapy were related to childhood. Now, not only didn't my husband understand anxiety disorder - he didn't grow up a background similiar to mine. Hell, lets be real - he was scared too - cause a man, fr my perception, wants to help - take care of "HIS FAMILY" - yet this "thing" that had befallen me was something he couldn't do anything about - kind of like stand by & watch it work its course while I did what I had to do. My husband may not have understood my background - frankly, the facts scared him straight & made this grown man cry, but he went to every single session w/ me - waiting in the waiting room for me. This was his way of helping me. Usually, after every session, he'd ask, "so, how did it go?" - some of the times I was able to discuss it w/ him. Other times - I was too frightened - in emotionally raw pain that I could not - other times I was embarrassed cause I was admitting these thing happened to me - they were real kind of. I remember 1 particular session: it was summer of 2005. I had just gotten out of a late session - lol, it was 10pm. We were starving. We placed an order at the local pizza place & waited outside. I remember distinctly telling him, originally, I was not ready to talk about session w/ him. Then, while waiting for food - I started telling him. After my telling him about such & such - this grown man fell on the bench & started crying histerically - honest. He kept saying "oh my God" over & over. The things I told him were things he'd only heard about on tv + newsprograms + certain talk shows - not in real life & certaintly not w/ his wife. He cried, telling me "I'm so sorry this happened to you & I am so sorry I can't take your pain away - I'm here w/ you now - I am your family & they can't hurt you anymore". Poor guy, lol - there I was then comforting him - I can laugh now - it wasn't funny then - both of us sitting on that 1 bench crying, lol.

I won't deny how much my husband's support meant to me - I can't quantify it. He was my MAIN SUPPORT SYSTEM(in real life - not internet/online/StressCenter.com FRIENDS). I was home for 3 yrs while recovering. Everyone I knew, husband included, worked ft. They were out there living/working/spouses-children-homes-activities, while I was home alone FEELING THE HELL THAT IS ANXIETY DISORDER. Yes, initially I took this time personally - emotionally, to me, it felt like ALIENATION = "why am I alone - where are the people that love me - where are my friends, etc". While my husband & therapist were both KEY in my recovery - this was a journey I HAD TO GO @ ALONE. I see that now. By my being home for 3 yrs & alone majority of the time - I had no where to run + avoid + distract + hide fr the issues I needed to address & the parts of my personality that damn it - just needed changing. Anxiety disorder left me paralized + inhibited + restricted in mind numbing fear beyond any comprehension I had. I was totally dependant on my husband for just about everything. In addition, I was VERY EMOTIONALLY DEPENDANT on ANYONE willing to give me the time of day. This situation in & of itself forced me to DO IT - to face my past & myself - cause these pains & issues were inside of me - I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR ME. If I wanted to feel better - then it was I who had to find a way. This sounds really harsh & cold even - it is life. When I heard Lucinda say "life isn't easy & LIFE AIN'T FAIR" - I knew - I was on the right path. Oh sure, I make it sound very easy here - right now typing this all to you - a nice condensely wrapped pkg almost. Then, it was hell - going at it alone - really hard. Asides fr the situation itself providing the scenerio I needed to address all the things I did & unlearn things & recover - the situation allowed me to EMOTIONALLY MATURE. What I realized is - I wasn't alone BY & LARGE per say. I was uncomfortable knowing this was something I had to do ON MY OWN - that created fear in me - cause I didn't @ the time trust myself.

So many people don't understand ANXIETY DISORDER - majority don't. Heck, the only folks I know that really understand it is MY THERAPIST - hell, he has 30+ yrs experience & my StressCenter.com FRIENDS in chat & forum. Them not understanding it TRIPPED ME up initially - cause for a SPLIT SECOND - I found myself PROVING MY NEW FOUND CONDITION to them - justifying or trying to, why I was not able to work + why I'm in fear + needy, etc. That didn't last very long for me. I was wasting precious energy. In addition, I was also creating add'l anxiety - for which I sure didn't need & had plenty of it. Instead, as hard & lonely as it was, I chose to focus on me + my recovery: therapy + journaling @ home + research: reading 16 books to understand this THING + Lucinda's program - I worked that program like noone's business. In the purest, most spiritual way - it was like an emotional exorcism: getting out yrs worth of surpressed anger/pain/fear/resentment & perfected negative behaviors & replacing them w/ PEACE OF MIND - BETTER QUALITY OF LIFE "GOOD STUFF". It all isn't & wasn't easy - it took hard work & was LONELY AS ALL HELL. Nelson Mandela once said - being in prison all those yrs gave him what he needed most TIME - because b/4 he could change his country, he needed to change himself. Prison gave him that. He said, "changing yourself is 1 of the hardest things to do in life" & he wasing joking.

I know it is hard when loved ones don't understand & @ times - cause of that lack of understanding - they almost distance themselves fr the afflicted. You almost feel like you're living in 2 different worlds. I can offer this - focus on your recovery - YOU & the program - don't feed the negative vibes thereby creating add'l anxiety for yourself - DO FOR YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO DO - you're a smart person - I know this of you, fr reading your postings. There are wonderful people here at StressCenter.com - they all UNDERSTAND - this is a time where you need to take care of you - there are lessons of the program that cover this - go over it again, particularly ASSERTIVENESS.

I wish you health & continued recovery friend - well wishes & prayers.

Your Friend,

LENORE

Sparkus · Post by **Sparkus** » Tue May 20, 2008 4:53 am

Joey- I think there's a difference between pleasing people and people-pleasing. To me, making others happy is a worthy goal but you can't please everyone all the time for sure. When you become a people-pleaser you forget about the most important person in your life: You. In some way I am sensing that you are missing in the equation of your present relationship. You need to be clear on what you want from it and what things you value before pressing on to the alter. If you can't see eye to eye with your bride-to-be then you're setting yourself up for a bad experience.

Donald- I will say from experience that too many external obligations start to erode things pretty quick. Maybe consider cutting off some dead weight and take a little more time for yourselves is the answer (?)

Lenore- thanks for sharing your story. it does sound like you've had some good support and I agree that we have to go this journey into overcoming our anxieties alone inevitably. I liked that quote by Nelson Mandela about the need to change yourself first- so wise. You're also right, I need to focus on my recovery because of I keep trying to people-please others (which is impossible) then I do leave myself out of the equation. You can't give away what you don't have so building myself up in mind, body & spirit is the key it would seem and is one of the hardest things to do in life. But so worth it too!

Don57 · Post by **Don57** » Tue May 20, 2008 8:52 pm

So what is wrong with "people-pleasing"?

Where shall I start? Let's see how about...........7th and 8th grade. A jr high football coach wanted me to play end on his football team. I didn't want to but felt obligated to. So, I suffered through 7th grade track practices, was placed on high hurdles because I was one of the tallest kids. I wasn't a high hurdler. Then came 8th grade football. Midway through the season I started not being able to get up and go to school because of fear of the practices. [100 yard wind sprints in particular] I quit and I was fine. But got chewed out for 10 minutes which marked me psychologically until my sophomore year in high school. All this pain and crap for not standing up and saying "no". People-pleaser.

Fast forward to right after high school graduation. My girlfriend of 2.5 years quit me. I was devastated. Felt "empty" inside. Went to summer work, but all I could think of was how sad I was and her. A month later I'm started to feel better and rebound. Then a week or two later I come down with panic attacks for the first time. Connection between girlfriend, negative thinking and panic attacks? probably. I go through 6 weeks of hell and no meds with panic, in the hospital, out, back in, out. During this time the varsity basketball coach at Sul Ross State college in Alpine, TX calls me for a try-out. [Played for state championship in Class A [smallest school] my junior year and had excellent senior year]. This was my dream, to play college ball. I pack and we're off. My parents are following me in their car. I'm still not used to taking meds for panic. I start having an attack and I stop. My Mother keeps hounding me, "Don't you want to go back home"? I keep saying, "No, Mom." Finally, I'm feeling pretty bad so I give in. I took a pill about 10 minutes before and it hasn't had time to kick in yet. My Mother drives my car and I'm riding with her. After a half hour or so I'm feeling okay again and I tell her I want to turn back to the college. She's says no that we are going home. Not knowing I have a right to disagree, I go back home. I wanted to do this more than anything I've ever done in my life. People pleaser = missed opportunities.

At the start of college I meet a fairly attractive girl and she seems atracted to me, so I ask her for a date. After a month of dating she starts crying one night after I take her back to her dorm. She wants to go steady. Yukkkkkk!!!! I just did that with a girl who dropped me after 2.5 years. NO thank you. But, being the people pleaser I am, I say yes. We date for 3 years before I finally break it off. people pleaser = waste my time and others time.

We grow up dependent upon the love and acceptance of our parents or those who raised us. We are born dependent. But, during adolescence [13-18] our job is to be about breaking from Mom and Dad and learning to be independent physically and emotionally. But, some of us don't understand that. Instead, we remain dependent on the opinions of others for our self esteem, just like when we were little. We're afraid to stand up for ourselves and live life for ourselves. We still feel we need the acceptance and approval of those who are significant in our lives. As adults we can literally lose touch with who we are, our very selves, because we are "acting", living a life we would never choose for ourselves. We are only living it to please others. People pleaser. We haven't grown emotionally to become independent and generate self esteem from within ourselves. We still seek self esteem and approval from external sources, others' opinions. The bottom line is this simply doesn't work and causes a lot of emotional pain.

The problem with people-pleasing is that we live our lives for someone besides ourselves. Our self esteem remains dependent upon other's opinions, meaning it is not generated from within us. As a result, our moods are dictated by how well we are pleasing the others rather than being dependent on what we think of oursevles. We have literally given control of ourselves over to someone else! We lose touch with ourselves and over time we realize that it just doesn't work. We have to live life for us, not for someone else.

lexie_671 · Post by **lexie_671** » Thu May 22, 2008 6:44 am

Hey there,,,, I can relate in part. My love thinks my anxiety while driving is "silly" and I should just get over it. My anxiety flows into full bloom w hen I am on the interstate, and just recently took a vacation to the beach, and chose to take smaller US highways instead, he was LIVID. I cannot seem to make him understand I am not purposely CHOOSING to live this way, and am working so very hard to overcome this as it does interfere with the quality of my life. I am so thankful for this support system. Hang in there, and realize that you have to work at your own pace, and your wife must be supportive to you if possible. If she is not, then you must do what is best for you. Hang in there and know that others are here with you. Leigh