How to handle negative family members

IEM · Post by **IEM** » Tue Apr 22, 2008 4:49 am

Hello everyone,
I need advise as to how to deal with people in my life, who are very negative thinkers. Both my Mom and my stepfather have always been very negative thinkers. Almost every word that comes out of my Mom’s mouth is negative in some way, whether it is about her or others. My stepfather automatically goes to the worst case scenario regardless of the topic. He has panic attacks, is afraid of flying, driving when it is sunny, and multitude of other things. Obviously he could benefit from this program, and also could my Mom. Meanwhile, I am on week 3. I am working on getting better (I have both anxiety and depression). I want this negative attitude towards life to stop with me. I have a 4 year old son. I want to teach him to be confident and positive. This program is working for me. I used to think that my thoughts and outlook on life were just my personality traits, now I know that I have developed some bad habits. I am thrilled to know that those habits can be changed, and excited to do the necessary work. I am also trying to help my Mom (she knows about the program) to be more positive and happy, but it can be so difficult. I am still very early in the program and require support myself; to have to deal with all the negativity of my parents is weighing me down. Help! It hurts me to see my Mom depressed and my stepfather anxious. What should I do?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Apr 22, 2008 5:16 am

Oh, wow! I know exactly where you are because I'm there right now. My Mom, Dad, brother and atleast one sister has anxiety and depression and they are all negative people. I've just finished the program and I'm doing it again, right now started week 1-2. It is very hard for us to communicate with our loved ones about this and/or try to help them with their problems when we need to focus on ourselves first. Also, trying to help them when they don't want it or are being negative will just ruin your recovery. It happened to me yesterday. I was talking to my Mom about all the things I've learned and how I think that these sort of skills would help the other family members and I was going on and on and she was talking with me and saying she could see how these things are falling into place about our anxiety and all, and then she said to me, "You seem to be getting pretty worked up", and I said. "No, I'm fine" well my subconcious heard her and didn't listen to me and so I started getting anxious, so then I said to her, "well, I guess you may be right but it wasn't until you said I was until I actually was", so then I excused myself from the phone call, relaxed and got busy as to not have an attack, and I didn't but I felt a little off the rest of the day. Then later in the evening, I check my phone messages and my brother called me saying I basically had caused my Mom to have a panic attack ( she has a bad heart so it's a serious subject ) and that Mom doesn't need stress from anyone right now and blah, blah, blah. So, I know realistically that I didn't cause her panic attack, she did by allowing what I said to her bother her or get her worked up in the first place. So now, I feel a little guilty about the whole thing. And see what me trying to help did? So now, I also have to decide what I'm going to do, Mom was a support person but now I may have to x her off because if I can't share what's going on and thoughts with her, then obviously she can't support me in that way. I mean, she is my mom. I want her in my life, but I guess I have to change the way I deal with her. I guess I have to polish up on my skills before I do that again. We must take care of ourselves; selfish? no- responsible? yes. This will make me a better person and Mother to my children. If any one else has any input on this I would love to hear, cuz I need help too! Good Luck to you-

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Apr 22, 2008 6:45 am

Just wanted to say to both 'Staying Positive' and 'IEM' that I understand exactly where U R coming from. I have had to distance myself, or self-talk positively with negative family members & sometimes feel like the salmon swimming upstream. Hang in there though! and no, taking care of yourself is NOT selfish, although learning that too can be quite a challenge!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Apr 22, 2008 6:55 am

This is so important. I find myself listening to Lesson 3 a lot lately.

Negative thinking is a bad habit! And I know that I have been very influenced by my family when it comes to this.

I love my parents--and I can get really sad for them and caught up in their negativity. I am learning to not react, as Lucinda suggested.

I really liked this perspective:

We must take care of ourselves; selfish? no- responsible? yes

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 3:25 am

Thank you everyone for your support and understanding.
You make me more determined to develop healthy habits, regardless of my parents’ attitudes. Anytime any of you need support or just to vent, I am here to listen and offer whatever help I can. Again, thank you!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Apr 25, 2008 3:59 am

This is me and my family all the way. Unfortunately I am only on session 2 and before I get to session 3, I am going home to help my aging parents and their living situation.

Dad will be 80 soon and Mom will be 80 months later. He is too much for my mom to handle as she's getting frail as well. I love them both so much, even though growing up was very tough with such negativity AND with a father who was an alcoholic. (He's recovering for many years, but sugar became the next addiction and is now suffering tremendously from diabetes.)

It helps knowing that others have similar problems and that future sessions will help! I can't wait to get there!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Apr 25, 2008 6:21 am

My husband is VERY negative. He finds the worst in everything and everyone. It drives me up a wall. I try to tell him about it but he wont listen. Our children even bring it up to him, he wont listen.I just don't get it. It really brings me down and I struggle to think positively with him.

Anyone else have a spouse that is making getting better harder?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Apr 25, 2008 7:38 am

Tishia,Yes I have a husband who I sware purposely tries to destroy me.My two daughters are following his behaviors.I mean they just about say every negative and hurtful thing that you could say to someone.I've been told that it's going to be hard for me to get better in my environment but I really don't have much of a choice right now.I keep picking myself back up thanks to God,my sister in law,and my sister.We just have to make the choice that we're not going to let their negative ways get to us anymore!I wish you much luck and know that you're not alone.I know that it can hurt so bad but only if we keep letting it.God Bless!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Apr 25, 2008 8:38 am

Hi IEM,
I am new to the program just the other day 22nd. As i write this I need to remember what i say because i find it to be so true.
As you probley know when people are hurtfull it is becouse they are misserable inside themselves.They just don't know it and CERTAINLY don't get it. I too get hurt very easily by comments or the way they just treat you.I am horrible on confrontation too. I
Need to work on that. Anyways i have seen how when you want to "better yourself" in any way or what ever and that person is negitive it is usually becouse they don't want you to improve yourself so they say things to keep you in that sad state.I am sure that you know that it is a controll issue on there part. I know this cause i went threw this with WHO i thought was my best friend for 30yrs. I found out she really wasn't the person i thought she was. That is another storie in itself.
What i learnd to do is put it back on them!! if they say something hurtful TRY not to let it get to you and remember THEY ARE TRYING TO CONTROLL YOU AND THEY KNOW THEY CAN. So just say something like-Wow! you really have a bad attitude and it must be misserable to be you. That might shut them up, or maybe? your having a bad day and walk away. You don't have to take it or listen to it. Just leave the room if you can.I don't know if this will work but be creative without being ugly back if that makes sence. Don't stoop to there level. It is very hard to do at times but i know that you can do it. You will be amazed at how impowerd you will feel when u stick up for yourself. I am still learning to do it too. Sarah

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu May 01, 2008 4:54 pm

My ex husband is negative and full of anger and anxiety but won't do or take anything to help. I usually get called when he is angry and cussing over something silly like whether it's going to rain at Boy Scout Camp tomorrow because he can't make a decision. Then ll these other things get thrown in. Finally, I have to remind him that I've talked to him about negativity toward or around me and that I'm still in a fragile state. He will usually apologize and leave me alone after that.