Not Doing The Best...And That's OK!

[lilsismj]

Last week there were many requests about more positivity on the boards. In order to help facilitate that, I am going to try to stay positive, even though I'm having some fear.

Just recently it came to my attention, or I guess bubbled back up to the surface, that I have Big Fears that I have yet to deal with.

I am scared to death of dating, relationships, changing my life. These are big issues, something I am going to have to work through and it has felt like a punch in the gut.

The cat is out of the bag. And, just as we can't forget what we learn as coping skills...once we realize that there is a problem that we need to face, there's really no "unknowing" that.

I was disappointed in myself, because I thought that I had triumphed over this condition! Well...I have had triumphs, but after reviewing my lessons again, I realize that there will always be new things we have to deal with and that's what the coping skills are for.

I would like to admit that I HAVEN'T done as much of the homework as I needed to while going through the lessons (twice). I did slack a little on what I considered I didn't need. However, I slowly discover what I missed as new issues arise.

I am not feeling my best at the moment. It's been a rough couple of months with medical issues. It's been a rough couple of weeks realizing old fears are still in place. Right now I feel sad. I feel numb and a little zombiefied. I am scared, but I am determined to get through this.

This isn't going to last forever. I can review my skills. I don't have to let my feelings get the best of me -- even though they are very strong and appear very real.

I know I can do it with the help of the program, doing my own work at home and through the support of my friends.

So, even though I'm down a little right now...I'm not going to stay down. That is something I've learned from this program. And while I have much more to learn -- knowing that I can get through this is a huge blessing.

I just wanted to share.

Mer

[~Michelle~]

Hi Lilsis,
So sorry to hear you are feeling like this. I have those relationship fears too. In fact, that is probably one of my biggest fears. At first, I used to think that it was me being afraid to commit to anything, but now I realize that it is definitely more. This program has forced me to face the fear that I am deeply afraid of being rejected by another human being. And that I don't allow myself to get close enough to anyone (except toxic people)so that I don't have to worry about being rejected. This is a significant fear because it comes from self loathing and an unfounded belief that we are not worthy of someone else's love. We are so afraid that if someone knew us, and I mean really knew us, that they wouldn't like us. Hard pill to swallow. Anyway what I have been using is this technique called "mirroring" where I have to look at myself in the mirror and say positive things to me. I realize it is going to take a long time to undo years of self loathing, but I do it--every morning and every evening religiously, hoping it will sink in soon. Stay stong girl, you have been through alot.

[Guest]

Good for you! Acceptance and acknowledgement of the problems that you are facing is a HUGE step in recovering and growing through them!

You are very brave to face them head on! You will get through this!

Blessings,
Dawn

[Carolyn Dickman]

Proud of you!!! You are using valuable tools that you've learned...

Keep on going... stay strong!

Jess

[Guest]

yes. i understand this feeling--the fear about relationships--the challenges to grow.

it's been tough lately. maybe spring awakens something/desire?

still, it's so nice to have the program to fall back on. the reminders of how far i've come and the skills i have to move forward.

[kappaman]

lilsismj, reading your posts, I feel for you and I feel the best is yet ahead for you. Keep going, keep determined and things will get better. I am praying for you. I am proud of you and your effort. God bless!