Dealing with unwanted advice/opinions

justrelax · Post by **justrelax** » Wed Apr 02, 2008 6:13 pm

I'm on Week 2 of the program...and I feel like I'm doing better, generally speaking. I know it's a gradual process. It seems, however, that once I start talking to anyone else...specifically friends or just people I know, they all want to tell me what I'm doing right/wrong with my life. Any advice on how to respond to them? Am I just supposed to let them talk and talk and talk because they want to? I think I need something better to say than something like..."I don't recall asking your opinion." or the always handy "shut up". I'm trying to be more positive!

While they may have good intentions, their comments, opinions, suggestions, etc., seem to continously make me feel like I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore. - I feel like I allow what they say to make me feel like I'm going backwards in the program, and I don't want that...

Advice? (that I'm actually asking for!)

JayBee7 · Post by **JayBee7** » Wed Apr 02, 2008 7:43 pm

It's probably best, justrelax, to ask questions only of someone who has anxiety and depression. Others can say things that they mean to help you, but they can hurt badly, or be totally wrong. Some people have strange ideas about us.

You can always come here for answers to questions, and we won't find fault, and we are sensitive to your feelings. All of us who suffer tend to be sensitive people and we know how it feels to be scared and sad.

Good luck to you. We are here just about all the time !!!!

Jackie

aleisa123 · Post by **aleisa123** » Wed Apr 02, 2008 7:45 pm

Session 7 deals with assertive behavior, and I seemed to learn a lot from that. Just remember that you don't have to take advice that's given to you; you can just smile and nod. Or if you'd prefer you could politely tell them that you really just need someone to listen to you, not give advice. I would say just be prepared for whatever comes back at you. Some people may not appreciate that their well intentioned advice is not appreciated.

In which case, the smile and nod could work. Personally, i still have a hard time speaking up, but that is something you'll have to figure out on your own. Or you could just stop telling people what's going on with you, and avoid the whole advice thing altogether. Well I hope this helps. Take what you like and leave the rest. Take care!

JayBee7 · Post by **JayBee7** » Wed Apr 02, 2008 7:55 pm

Amen, aleisa123, I agree.

Jackie

Dodger · Post by **Dodger** » Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:24 am

hi there....I totally understand what your saying because its true its always easy to fix someone elses problems than our own...so most people tend to want to preach.

I am big on saying well if it were that easy I would have done that already.....sometimes I just politely change the subject and be blunt in the middle of them talking just say so its so cold out there isnt it....most people will get the hint...or a simple yeah well I have to go now.....

Ramblers dont often realize they are doing it till someone calls them on it. Be carefull that your not the one starting them up....I was big on talking about how I was feeling and thinking all the time and that would open the can of worms.....for intstance I would say do you ever feel this or that? And then an entire speech would follow that.....

My Dad says to me if you ask someones opinion expect to get it. So watch what you say as well...use more matter of fact sentences like instead of why is this so hard for me to deal with? Say this has been a tough thing for me but Im working on it....You still imply that your having some trouble but yet you are saying your aware and making changes.

Good luck the program will teach you to become assertive give it a chance. And remember most of these preachers (as I call them) love and care for you they want to help so be gentle and happy that you have a good network of concerned people.....you can make this work for all parties it just takes a little practice.

Good luck
Dodger

Prv31Mom · Post by **Prv31Mom** » Thu Apr 03, 2008 2:07 am

Does anybody remember which session deals with "Shoulds"? I'm drawing a blank right now. Anyhow - that session talks about our "shoulds" for ourselves, but also other people's shoulds for us.

Just because other people think you "should" whatever - does not mean that you have to! I think that the advice to talk about anxiety and depression with people who understand it is a good one too because quite often those who either (1) don't seem to have it or (2) refuse to acknowledge that they have it - will not be giving you positive reinforcement that you need to recover.

We're here for you!

Blessings,
Dawn

justrelax · Post by **justrelax** » Mon Apr 07, 2008 10:25 am

Thank you all for your help! You were all very helpful. I don't think that I invite this "unwanted advice" but maybe at times I do without realizing it - that could be a possibility. The smile and nod is always fun to use. Many times people I come across ask "so...what are you doing with your life?" and then go on and on about what they think of whatever I am doing or not doing. I guess I just have to practice letting them talk and somehow not letting it get to me. It's hard enough to sort out my own thoughts, I certainly don't need theirs too! lol

Oh, and I have found it interesting when mentioning anything at all about anxiety/depression to some people, they are quick to say they don't have that problem. I am not about to tell them "oh yes you do." (though sometimes I'd like to...) - I just think it's interesting how it is viewed. I already feel better than I did 2 weeks ago when I started this program, and I'm not letting anyone's judgmental comments stop me from completing it

I really do appreciate all the help.

Hope you are all doing well!

h.beth · Post by **h.beth** » Mon Apr 07, 2008 11:39 am

welcome justrelax! good question, and wonderful replies everyone! yes, its tuff dealing with others kinda put downy comments/dissertations/judgments especially not having 'been there'/and their opinions-and then assuming you need to believe just as they do and 'just pray' etc witnessing to you like you do not have your own thoughts and your own spirituality. best wishes justrelax!!!

Don57 · Post by **Don57** » Mon Apr 07, 2008 12:58 pm

It is annoying, agreed. But, we can't control what others think or say. For me, getting unwanted input when I was struggling was like a picture of a radar screen. At first the screen is filled with just the white stuff, like when a TV is on but getting no reception. Then I began to understand what my problems were and I began to pick up good signals on the radar, signals that would lead me to my desired destination. Then some unwanted advice would come across the radar and it was like someone had dumped thousands of small foils out of a plane, all of them causing "white noise" on my radar and causing me to lose my direction.

Hopefully in time they will see the progress you have made and will begin to respect you for your own ideas and direction.

Karmerri · Post by **Karmerri** » Tue Apr 08, 2008 3:19 am

Such good advice from everyone. I actually don't have much good advice because sometimes I feel EXACTLY the same way. I am constantly reviewing this program b/c it's all like a snowball effect. The warm weather is here, outdoor activities and more socializing (anxiety-producing for me) but with that brings the reacting to what people say, think and do. I feel like people are always giving advice and I really don't recall sounding like I wanted it either! Then I think of Ken on the the program tapes when he said he just agreed when he was in a crowd with whatever they were talking about. So, I've been finding myself kinda "nasty" or a little "mean"? trying to be assertive and sticking up for myself and what I say. Great example-Me and my husband decided along with my 6 year old son that he was going to join soccer NOT T-ball this spring. (My son likes to hit regular pitches not to mention T-ball was a few hundred dollars and more practices and games). I can't even begin to tell you how many people have asked me why isn't he playing T-ball. Jeez, it's only T-ball people!! I have actually just wrinkled my nose and shook my head and left it at that. I can go on and on, but luckily I won't-just a great post!