Soooo....whats with the 1 step foreward, 5 steps back thing? Im having a really hard time right now with my family and my life and my stress level. I want to blame it on the circumstances, (we're renting our house out, moving, my husband is changing careers again, Im starting school and trying to go back to work, and my daughter STILL screams 90% of the day), but on the other hand, I know I should be able to take these things in stride. Im on the anger session, thank God, because Im pretty angry all the time too. Im a yeller. My mom was a yeller, Im a yeller. I dont want to be a yeller, but it is what it is, and until i can wrap my head around the 10 second rule, Im going to yell. How do people find the patients to deal with what life throws at them when they have no stability at all in their life?
My husband is doubting himself everyday, and I want to be his cheerleader, but in truth, I dont know that I trust that he will "figure it out" and get into a career and give me some security. I cant cheer him on when his attitude is more in the toilet than mine. I hate this. I want to feel better, not worse. And dont give that "your life is what you make of it crap", because Im just not seeing that right now. I want some slack. I dont want to have to say to him, "listen, your life will never get better until you change your negative attitude" I said that this morning and I got a door slammed in my face.
Hes stressed, Im stressed, its making our baby stressed, and our dogs are stressed. Its getting old. I do the work, I listen to the tapes, I watch my diet, I go to bed early, I put on a happy face, but come on, I need some help here! What am I doing wrong that I cant feel any relief???? Shouldnt I be seeing some real changes in myself by now? Maybe I should get my money back, and send the tapes back. Then at least Id have $500 to go spend on shoes, that would make me feel better.
I am going to see a psychiatrist next week and hopefully she can help me figure out what to do.
If anyone has some advice, let me know. Just dont write back to me saying Im bringing this on myself, because I assure you, Im trying my hardest. I just want to know what everyone else facing a big roadblock does in this situation...thanks for your help.
Marcy
its not working at all
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Guest
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Guest
Marcy, as bad as this sounds and I speak out of experence. Its extremely hard to change if we're stuck in the same surrounding.
I don't care what anyone says about it.
How can someone keep a smile on there face, with someone else is smacking it out ever few seconds.
How can someone remain positive, when everyone and everything around them is negative.
It can be done if that person chooses to remain in that surrounding, but the process will take 3 times longer.
get out for a while till you feel stronger, you will see you'll be able to cope better.
I was married to a woman who was always putting me down, anytime I felt good about myself she pulled the sheets underneat my feet.
The day I started feeling better was the day she felt.
Life is hard even as it is, we really don;t need people to add more to it.
Find a group of friends who understand you and supports you, and this place is a good place to find these people.
Keep working hard (and thats not ease..)in loving yourself, be positive, and really not allowing anything to effect you.
Hope this helps
Steven
I don't care what anyone says about it.
How can someone keep a smile on there face, with someone else is smacking it out ever few seconds.
How can someone remain positive, when everyone and everything around them is negative.
It can be done if that person chooses to remain in that surrounding, but the process will take 3 times longer.
get out for a while till you feel stronger, you will see you'll be able to cope better.
I was married to a woman who was always putting me down, anytime I felt good about myself she pulled the sheets underneat my feet.
The day I started feeling better was the day she felt.
Life is hard even as it is, we really don;t need people to add more to it.
Find a group of friends who understand you and supports you, and this place is a good place to find these people.
Keep working hard (and thats not ease..)in loving yourself, be positive, and really not allowing anything to effect you.
Hope this helps
Steven
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Guest
I have a feeling that no matter what anyone says to you, you aren't going to take. You say you want some help, then you turn around and tell us what we can and can't say. It seems to me like maybe you are just looking for someone else or something else to put the blame on where you're life is at the moment rather than accepting that outside influences only go so far and you make up the difference. That is an extremely hard lesson, but until you see that fact, you are going to be stuck. Not saying you have to accept it today...sometimes it takes a lot longer. I remember being just like you...it was never my fault I did things like I was supposed to so its my fiance's fault, my job's fault, the cat's fault...etc. I had horrible anger issues and went way beyond yelling. You said you told your husband that until he changed his negative attitude, nothing is going to change. I think that's great advice and advice you should listen to yourself. Yeah, ok, it got the door slammed in your face and that's not helpful at all or encouraging for either one of you. My father always said to me "it's not what you said, it was the way you said it" and perhaps this could have been what happened. Again, I've been there...my mouth always got me in trouble even if I had best intentions.
This program does work, if you work at it...but you also have to be in the right mind frame. You are going through a stressful time and it's going to be rough. This program doesn't make that go away...even after graduating from the program stressful times are hard for me. I have to remind myself to take a step back...breath...and move forward. I forget what week the anger session is on, but I didn't start to feel a lot better until around session 8 and then it just got better from there. After graduating, I started school and anxiety started to seep back in because I let it. Fortunatly I recognized it early and started reviewing some tapes and re-practicing some skills. I think going to see a psychiatrist is a great idea...very proactive and I'm sure using him/her in conjunction with the program will give you what you need to get by this bump. Perhaps you can review some of the tapes that you might find fitting for your situation in addition to doing whatever week you are on. It is also important to try and step away from the situation even if it's just a 5 minute shower to yourself...lock the door, turn on some music and just relax for that 5 minutes might do a world of good. I had a counselor tell me that I always put me last and I can't continue to do that and feel better. I also find exercising helps me de-stress. I try to walk a mile a day. I do it on demand on my TV until it's warm enough for me to go outside. Have you tried journaling? I also found that helped me a lot with my anger. I would write a letter to whomever I was angry at...never send it...but to get those feelings out felt so good. I told myself once they are out, then I need to let them go. Meditation helps me as well...I actually took a chakra class a year or so ago. There are tapes you can get...Seagul...Seagal...it's a guy that's his last name I can't remember his first, but he does visual meditation and I hear his tapes are great. I also found humor to help me a lot...watching a comedy or a comedian got rid of my tension even if it was just temporary.
I know it may not feel like it now, but it will get better. You may get an "ah-ha" moment rather than seeing it right off. One day, things will just click and you'll realize that you are, in fact, doing better. I wish you the best!
This program does work, if you work at it...but you also have to be in the right mind frame. You are going through a stressful time and it's going to be rough. This program doesn't make that go away...even after graduating from the program stressful times are hard for me. I have to remind myself to take a step back...breath...and move forward. I forget what week the anger session is on, but I didn't start to feel a lot better until around session 8 and then it just got better from there. After graduating, I started school and anxiety started to seep back in because I let it. Fortunatly I recognized it early and started reviewing some tapes and re-practicing some skills. I think going to see a psychiatrist is a great idea...very proactive and I'm sure using him/her in conjunction with the program will give you what you need to get by this bump. Perhaps you can review some of the tapes that you might find fitting for your situation in addition to doing whatever week you are on. It is also important to try and step away from the situation even if it's just a 5 minute shower to yourself...lock the door, turn on some music and just relax for that 5 minutes might do a world of good. I had a counselor tell me that I always put me last and I can't continue to do that and feel better. I also find exercising helps me de-stress. I try to walk a mile a day. I do it on demand on my TV until it's warm enough for me to go outside. Have you tried journaling? I also found that helped me a lot with my anger. I would write a letter to whomever I was angry at...never send it...but to get those feelings out felt so good. I told myself once they are out, then I need to let them go. Meditation helps me as well...I actually took a chakra class a year or so ago. There are tapes you can get...Seagul...Seagal...it's a guy that's his last name I can't remember his first, but he does visual meditation and I hear his tapes are great. I also found humor to help me a lot...watching a comedy or a comedian got rid of my tension even if it was just temporary.
I know it may not feel like it now, but it will get better. You may get an "ah-ha" moment rather than seeing it right off. One day, things will just click and you'll realize that you are, in fact, doing better. I wish you the best!
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Guest
I think you're going to have good and bad times. For me, it might be the anxiousness/sleeplessness that I can't shake off when things are tough...for you, it's anger.
I think part of the program is trudging ahead even when it feels fake or ineffective. The repetitve excercises will eventually cause you to recognize your triggers and, hopefully, start catching your thinking before it goes downt he same path.
Hang in there; it's not easy for any of us and we all have our issues that are hard to deal with....just keep pushing forward and practice being nice and in control even when it sucks.
Good luck.
I think part of the program is trudging ahead even when it feels fake or ineffective. The repetitve excercises will eventually cause you to recognize your triggers and, hopefully, start catching your thinking before it goes downt he same path.
Hang in there; it's not easy for any of us and we all have our issues that are hard to deal with....just keep pushing forward and practice being nice and in control even when it sucks.
Good luck.
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Guest
Marcy,
I wish we had the answer for you...but that would just be magic thinking, wouldn't it. We can all help each other, but within that framework we each have our own journey to make...and each one has it's own difficulties and rewards.
I thought Tammy was right on target with her comments. For me personally, there came a time when I was so sick of myself...so sick of being the me that was negative, depressed, an occasional yeller and screamer, sarcastic...and then as a result...PERPETUALLY GUILT-RIDDEN! - that si just said "ENOUGH!" I'm not going to do this anymore - I don't want to be like this - I need to change...and then I found the program...and it really helped me (I'm on session 12...and it was about session 10 when I really started feeling empowered, different, better...you name it!). I do meditation, work on the breathing techniques a lot, read other books ("You can't Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought" is a GREAT one and an easy read too.), rewarded myself for positive results and good days (sometimes good hours). I had to learn to stop saying (to myself and/or others) things like, "I don't have TIME" (empahsis on the whiny "time" there), "I can't do that", or "Yeah - that may have worked for you but...", "I don't have the money..." And I had to stop making those, excuse me for saying so but it's true, lame A** excuses for why I couldn't or wouldn't get better.
Facing those things about myself was really, really hard...but when it clicked...when that day came when I determined not to live this way any more...I changed. Now, I'm not healed, cured, completely better, whatever...it's a process through life...but I am happier with myself and my life. And here's an amazing result...when I stopped trying to change everyone around me from my husband to my kids to my coworkers to my dog...I noticed two things: (1) a lot of what I saw negative in them...was not really there, it was colored by MY negative perceptions and my "smudged, dark sunglasses" that I looked at the world through with anxiety and depression; and (2) sometimes they changed - - when I learned how to not react to everything tossed my way, when they saw that I was happier and they followed my example - - when my pissy attitude was gone and they could relax around me...you get the picture.
You can't change your husband. Living with someone with a negative attitude is hard and he should not have slammed the door in your face. But you can't control his actions or reactions...but you can control yours. And I don't think you would have mentioned being a yeller and your mother being a yeller if it didn't concern you. I am sure you don't want your child to grow up to carry on that particular legacy.
You can do this. Don't be so hard on yourself that it hasn't happened yet. You do have to line up your desire to be happy and healthy with your belief that it can and will happen.
Don't give up. You deserve better.
Blessings,
Dawn
I wish we had the answer for you...but that would just be magic thinking, wouldn't it. We can all help each other, but within that framework we each have our own journey to make...and each one has it's own difficulties and rewards.
I thought Tammy was right on target with her comments. For me personally, there came a time when I was so sick of myself...so sick of being the me that was negative, depressed, an occasional yeller and screamer, sarcastic...and then as a result...PERPETUALLY GUILT-RIDDEN! - that si just said "ENOUGH!" I'm not going to do this anymore - I don't want to be like this - I need to change...and then I found the program...and it really helped me (I'm on session 12...and it was about session 10 when I really started feeling empowered, different, better...you name it!). I do meditation, work on the breathing techniques a lot, read other books ("You can't Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought" is a GREAT one and an easy read too.), rewarded myself for positive results and good days (sometimes good hours). I had to learn to stop saying (to myself and/or others) things like, "I don't have TIME" (empahsis on the whiny "time" there), "I can't do that", or "Yeah - that may have worked for you but...", "I don't have the money..." And I had to stop making those, excuse me for saying so but it's true, lame A** excuses for why I couldn't or wouldn't get better.
Facing those things about myself was really, really hard...but when it clicked...when that day came when I determined not to live this way any more...I changed. Now, I'm not healed, cured, completely better, whatever...it's a process through life...but I am happier with myself and my life. And here's an amazing result...when I stopped trying to change everyone around me from my husband to my kids to my coworkers to my dog...I noticed two things: (1) a lot of what I saw negative in them...was not really there, it was colored by MY negative perceptions and my "smudged, dark sunglasses" that I looked at the world through with anxiety and depression; and (2) sometimes they changed - - when I learned how to not react to everything tossed my way, when they saw that I was happier and they followed my example - - when my pissy attitude was gone and they could relax around me...you get the picture.
You can't change your husband. Living with someone with a negative attitude is hard and he should not have slammed the door in your face. But you can't control his actions or reactions...but you can control yours. And I don't think you would have mentioned being a yeller and your mother being a yeller if it didn't concern you. I am sure you don't want your child to grow up to carry on that particular legacy.
You can do this. Don't be so hard on yourself that it hasn't happened yet. You do have to line up your desire to be happy and healthy with your belief that it can and will happen.
Don't give up. You deserve better.
Blessings,
Dawn
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BookOfPsalms
- Posts: 119
- Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2008 12:16 am
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Guest
mmk, I so hope when you come back on here that you will be encouraged and not discouraged. I feel for you. I can relate with you. I could feel so frustrated with the program. I've paid much more than you!! I've gone thru it a 2nd time with a coach paying much more this time. StressCenter.com called last week and said I could have one on one with Lucinda for $700 an hr. Try hitting your pocket book with that one!! I've been in this dark hole for quite a while. I'm not screaming like you (not all the time anyway lol). I cry more than scream. I feel like I've cried a river and you know what??? It hasn't helped one bit. I'm trying so hard to push thru all this. I'm wondering where my faith has gone but guess what, like you I WILL beat this. DON'T YOU DARE GIVE UP!!!!! I will be here for you. I will be your cheerleader. Today I'm supposed to be my husband's cheerleader cuz he's at the breaking point of all these house problems. Yesterday it was 10 mo. we got this new home. A baby is delivered in 9 mo. Why can't we be delivered of this??? This is the longest labor I've ever had and you know what??? There isn't any labor getting done. The last time they were here to fix anything was the wk.before Thanksgiving. Today I'm calling the builder in Indiana and waiting an answer from our supposed Christian friend who sold us this pile of junk. Sorry, that was pretty negative.
I don't know how the Lord works in your life but in mine many times its like with Lazurus being raised 3 days later. He stunk so bad. Well, my situation stinks and so does yours but faith or little faith, GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL.
Boy, I hope I'm encouraging you because I just encouraged myself with tears running down my face again. I have praise music on. Wow, what a song. Well you go and listen to your program or some praise music. If it takes us l00 times we will eventually get it. Oh, the song playing.."GOD WANTS TO HEAR YOU SING". yES, both of us. Can we do it? Yes we can because the word says "I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me."
I really want to hear back how you're doing and somehow I'm believing for a good report to give you. Hey, if you don't want a screaming daughter, you've got to stop screaming. Even if you're screaming silently, she can sense it. Yes dogs can too. I've been depressed so my dog is too. When the music is playing and I'm singing or smiling so is he. God bless you dear. You're in my prayers. I am so much older than you. Be glad you're this young and got the program. Keep at it. I know it will help.
I don't know how the Lord works in your life but in mine many times its like with Lazurus being raised 3 days later. He stunk so bad. Well, my situation stinks and so does yours but faith or little faith, GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL.
Boy, I hope I'm encouraging you because I just encouraged myself with tears running down my face again. I have praise music on. Wow, what a song. Well you go and listen to your program or some praise music. If it takes us l00 times we will eventually get it. Oh, the song playing.."GOD WANTS TO HEAR YOU SING". yES, both of us. Can we do it? Yes we can because the word says "I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me."
I really want to hear back how you're doing and somehow I'm believing for a good report to give you. Hey, if you don't want a screaming daughter, you've got to stop screaming. Even if you're screaming silently, she can sense it. Yes dogs can too. I've been depressed so my dog is too. When the music is playing and I'm singing or smiling so is he. God bless you dear. You're in my prayers. I am so much older than you. Be glad you're this young and got the program. Keep at it. I know it will help.
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Guest
MMK - you are going through a lot right now. Do you have anyone who can provide you with some relief so that you can take some time for yourself to just relax? Sometimes you just need a little support.
You may also want to consider working with a therapist. I don't know about where you live but in my area if you can't afford a therapist you can get help at a sliding scale.
Maybe working with a therapist, getting someone to help you so you can get some quiet time, and working the program is what you need. Some of us have more severe problems and situations. Some of us probably need more than working the program by ourselves.
Any one of the situations that you wrote about would be an anxiety/depression producer for a lot of people let alone having all at once.
Please hang in there. Let me know how you are doing.
You may also want to consider working with a therapist. I don't know about where you live but in my area if you can't afford a therapist you can get help at a sliding scale.
Maybe working with a therapist, getting someone to help you so you can get some quiet time, and working the program is what you need. Some of us have more severe problems and situations. Some of us probably need more than working the program by ourselves.
Any one of the situations that you wrote about would be an anxiety/depression producer for a lot of people let alone having all at once.
Please hang in there. Let me know how you are doing.
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Guest
Well,
First of all, I just think you are venting, and studies have shown that expressing yourself in writing does help your psychological health, so you took a healthy step:), and you wanted loving support for doing so. I'll try:).
Secondly, you said you are having a bad day. That's what you are having . . . a bad day. Try to take it one day at a time. I know you feel you've put a lot of work into yourself with this program, and I'm sure you have, and it may just take time for you to bear fruit. I believe this program along with therapy, exercise, my improved perspective of a loving God, etc., eventually yielded the fruit in my life that I had been longing for:). It really was like it just clicked this past year, and I'm so thankful for it. The work you've put into this really won't be wasted even if you can't see the results you want immediately. It's like you are growing a garden. You till the ground, plant the seeds, provide the water, and let God provide the sunlight, and there is an element of patience that is involved. There's a saying that I found in a Quiet Times Devotional that I always pass along that says, "Reach up to God as far as you can, and He will reach down the rest." One day at a time is really a great way to live, especially when things aren't going well. One day at a time will add up to many days, and you will yield the fruit that you've worked so hard at planting. Some of the work comes from you, and some of it is giving it to God.
I think I know what you are saying about how you don't want to be told you are bringing this all on yourself. Saying that everything is up to you, is not really the truth. There's something to be said about our attitudes, but being a Pollyanna isn't the truth either. I have a ten year old son with severe autism, and I rarely get sleep. I'm not bringing that all on myself. In addition, I'm not always positive about it, and I never "put a smile on my face" if I don't really feel like it. I really believe that we have to be truthful with ourselves about how we feel and think, and just faking it isn't the way to go in my opinion. Sometimes, it's horrible that my son has autism. I'm thankful for the good, but that doesn't mean that I'm never sad or angry, and I'm definitely not going to be perfect about it. I've learned some important lessons, but like another mother with autism said, "Do you really want to wander in the desert thirsty to appreciate a drink of water?" No. I know that with this program, you learn to change your thinking, etc., and it does have it's benefits. However, you also have to learn what works for you. Just because you can handle a lot of stress in your life with this program doesn't mean you have to. For example, is it necessary to overwhelm yourself with school and work right now while caring for a baby? Do you have to do it all at once? Think about why you are making these choices. Adults have choices, they really do. Adults make choices and therefore choose consequences of those choices. Our circumstances do matter. Being under a lot of stress from stressful circumstances matters, and that's just the truth. My husband and I are a good case study for that. We can't control our son having autism, but we can control whether or not we choose to give ourselves a break, what our expectations are for ourselves and each other, etc. We try to do away with any unnecessary stress that we can. For example, we try to stay away from family members who will try to suck us in to their man made drama and various crisese. We're not out to win any awards for being superheroes, you know? When my son was first diagnosed, I was an at home mom. I liked it, but certain people had little respect for me for doing so, etc., and I cared. I tried to work with other children with autism, and had a nervous breakdown. I was encouraged by a therapist to work and go to graduate school for social work. There was a big part of me that thought I would get my value from doing these things, and I did make straight A's, but it was just this horrendously stressful experience that wasn't worth it. I ended up dropping out of social work school, and went into library science which was less stressful, but work and school while raising a child with autism was still stressful. I understand that the therapist wanted me to have my own life, but the reality is that the stress wasn't worth it. I liked being an at home mom and taking care of my son, but I didn't feel I had value doing so, and so I got sucked into some things that added more stress on my family. I'm not working right now, and because of the reduced stress, I'm making improvements, and I really do regret trying to do it all. I'm not saying that "you can't" by any means, but just look at your motivations for what you are doing by placing yourself under this stress and analyze whether or not it will give you what you are looking for. I always like to encourage people to go after their dreams, and I would never want someone to tell me "I can't" do something because of my situation, but if someone asked why I was motivated to endure the stress, that would be a fair question. Some people just won't agree with the way I choose to live right now, but I know that those people aren't in my shoes.
Finally, I think one major leap for me is that I realize that my value doesn't come from my behavior. I believe, especially, lately that we are all loved by God. We are just as loved and just as valuable when we have severe anxiety or anger problems or whatever as when we are anxiety free, etc. This takes a lot of pressure off. We can tap into that love and value from God at all times. We make mistakes, like yelling, and we get trapped when we believe that our good or bad behavior either gives us value or takes our value away. It's harder to actually change our behavior when we base our value upon it. You are a human being who has a bad habit of yelling because you learned it from your mother. O.K. You can decide if it's behavior that you want to continue or not. It's probably working for you right now by letting you vent your anger, but then I know you know there are consequences for the behavior from stressing out yourself, your baby, etc. At the same time, you may feel shame for your behavior so you may be trying to justify it by saying your mom did it, etc. There's never any place for shame. Try to separate your behavior from your value, and you will be able to work on it more easily without shame. It will take time. I think if just me telling you "Don't yell" was going to work, then we all really wouldn't be on here. I've been told, "Calm down", "Don't stay at home", "Don't be afraid", etc. Did it work? No, because it's not that simple.
So for the yelling, just look at it as a behavior, and not who you are. Decide what positive benefits you are getting from it, and decide if you really do want to change it. If you don't want to yell, find other more appropriate ways to express your anger. It will take time to change, but just move in the right direction. However, your value really isn't based on your behavior. Your loved right now...we're all loved right now...right where we are...and that's a good starting point for all of us:).
Take Care,
luvpiggy
First of all, I just think you are venting, and studies have shown that expressing yourself in writing does help your psychological health, so you took a healthy step:), and you wanted loving support for doing so. I'll try:).
Secondly, you said you are having a bad day. That's what you are having . . . a bad day. Try to take it one day at a time. I know you feel you've put a lot of work into yourself with this program, and I'm sure you have, and it may just take time for you to bear fruit. I believe this program along with therapy, exercise, my improved perspective of a loving God, etc., eventually yielded the fruit in my life that I had been longing for:). It really was like it just clicked this past year, and I'm so thankful for it. The work you've put into this really won't be wasted even if you can't see the results you want immediately. It's like you are growing a garden. You till the ground, plant the seeds, provide the water, and let God provide the sunlight, and there is an element of patience that is involved. There's a saying that I found in a Quiet Times Devotional that I always pass along that says, "Reach up to God as far as you can, and He will reach down the rest." One day at a time is really a great way to live, especially when things aren't going well. One day at a time will add up to many days, and you will yield the fruit that you've worked so hard at planting. Some of the work comes from you, and some of it is giving it to God.
I think I know what you are saying about how you don't want to be told you are bringing this all on yourself. Saying that everything is up to you, is not really the truth. There's something to be said about our attitudes, but being a Pollyanna isn't the truth either. I have a ten year old son with severe autism, and I rarely get sleep. I'm not bringing that all on myself. In addition, I'm not always positive about it, and I never "put a smile on my face" if I don't really feel like it. I really believe that we have to be truthful with ourselves about how we feel and think, and just faking it isn't the way to go in my opinion. Sometimes, it's horrible that my son has autism. I'm thankful for the good, but that doesn't mean that I'm never sad or angry, and I'm definitely not going to be perfect about it. I've learned some important lessons, but like another mother with autism said, "Do you really want to wander in the desert thirsty to appreciate a drink of water?" No. I know that with this program, you learn to change your thinking, etc., and it does have it's benefits. However, you also have to learn what works for you. Just because you can handle a lot of stress in your life with this program doesn't mean you have to. For example, is it necessary to overwhelm yourself with school and work right now while caring for a baby? Do you have to do it all at once? Think about why you are making these choices. Adults have choices, they really do. Adults make choices and therefore choose consequences of those choices. Our circumstances do matter. Being under a lot of stress from stressful circumstances matters, and that's just the truth. My husband and I are a good case study for that. We can't control our son having autism, but we can control whether or not we choose to give ourselves a break, what our expectations are for ourselves and each other, etc. We try to do away with any unnecessary stress that we can. For example, we try to stay away from family members who will try to suck us in to their man made drama and various crisese. We're not out to win any awards for being superheroes, you know? When my son was first diagnosed, I was an at home mom. I liked it, but certain people had little respect for me for doing so, etc., and I cared. I tried to work with other children with autism, and had a nervous breakdown. I was encouraged by a therapist to work and go to graduate school for social work. There was a big part of me that thought I would get my value from doing these things, and I did make straight A's, but it was just this horrendously stressful experience that wasn't worth it. I ended up dropping out of social work school, and went into library science which was less stressful, but work and school while raising a child with autism was still stressful. I understand that the therapist wanted me to have my own life, but the reality is that the stress wasn't worth it. I liked being an at home mom and taking care of my son, but I didn't feel I had value doing so, and so I got sucked into some things that added more stress on my family. I'm not working right now, and because of the reduced stress, I'm making improvements, and I really do regret trying to do it all. I'm not saying that "you can't" by any means, but just look at your motivations for what you are doing by placing yourself under this stress and analyze whether or not it will give you what you are looking for. I always like to encourage people to go after their dreams, and I would never want someone to tell me "I can't" do something because of my situation, but if someone asked why I was motivated to endure the stress, that would be a fair question. Some people just won't agree with the way I choose to live right now, but I know that those people aren't in my shoes.
Finally, I think one major leap for me is that I realize that my value doesn't come from my behavior. I believe, especially, lately that we are all loved by God. We are just as loved and just as valuable when we have severe anxiety or anger problems or whatever as when we are anxiety free, etc. This takes a lot of pressure off. We can tap into that love and value from God at all times. We make mistakes, like yelling, and we get trapped when we believe that our good or bad behavior either gives us value or takes our value away. It's harder to actually change our behavior when we base our value upon it. You are a human being who has a bad habit of yelling because you learned it from your mother. O.K. You can decide if it's behavior that you want to continue or not. It's probably working for you right now by letting you vent your anger, but then I know you know there are consequences for the behavior from stressing out yourself, your baby, etc. At the same time, you may feel shame for your behavior so you may be trying to justify it by saying your mom did it, etc. There's never any place for shame. Try to separate your behavior from your value, and you will be able to work on it more easily without shame. It will take time. I think if just me telling you "Don't yell" was going to work, then we all really wouldn't be on here. I've been told, "Calm down", "Don't stay at home", "Don't be afraid", etc. Did it work? No, because it's not that simple.
So for the yelling, just look at it as a behavior, and not who you are. Decide what positive benefits you are getting from it, and decide if you really do want to change it. If you don't want to yell, find other more appropriate ways to express your anger. It will take time to change, but just move in the right direction. However, your value really isn't based on your behavior. Your loved right now...we're all loved right now...right where we are...and that's a good starting point for all of us:).
Take Care,
luvpiggy