Sybil...in all fairness I think Dodger read it wrong the first time, so he is in no way saying it's ok. He was in chat when he realized the mistake.
What you are saying is completely true and I really appreciate your opinion.
I do hope and would like everyone to know that I am NOT trying to make a decision on whether or not I am going to have an affair. I am not.
I am trying to find a way to get my head back on straight, console my heart and feel strong enough to be able to move forward.
Sticky, Icky Anxiety Producing Situation -- Support?
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Guest
I think after journaling about this, as we know is a good thing, I have written down my real fears that I think I'm having.
I am scared that he will not be normal around me again and that will make me uncomfortable.
However, yesterday I made it through the day, hot flashes and all, and there were moments of normalcy, even when the hurt seems so fresh. And I think that should give me hope that we CAN continue to work together and (dispelling another fear) I won't have to leave my job.
I am afraid that these anxiety feelings will not go away.
Ok, come on! How many times have I written that fear down -- hundreds. And they've always gone away, because anxiety doesn't last forever.
But the one thing I am having a problem with is: I am not going to be seeing him for five days. In those five days I want to strengthen myself and I'm not for sure how to do that, and deal with a loss I don't truly understand.
I am scared that he will not be normal around me again and that will make me uncomfortable.
However, yesterday I made it through the day, hot flashes and all, and there were moments of normalcy, even when the hurt seems so fresh. And I think that should give me hope that we CAN continue to work together and (dispelling another fear) I won't have to leave my job.
I am afraid that these anxiety feelings will not go away.
Ok, come on! How many times have I written that fear down -- hundreds. And they've always gone away, because anxiety doesn't last forever.
But the one thing I am having a problem with is: I am not going to be seeing him for five days. In those five days I want to strengthen myself and I'm not for sure how to do that, and deal with a loss I don't truly understand.
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Guest
ask yourself are you talking about the loss of friendship or the loss of a possible lover?
I think no matter what, in light of your medical issues he is selfish to have unloaded this crap on you knowing the only thing he can offer is an affair. In this case, I think keep your friends close and your friends that are too friendly farther away. It sounds like you need to be wanted & needed as we all do and you are flirting with fire calling a married man your friend in a way that you "only recently felt-since he told you his feelings" it's normal to reach to the nearest comfort. It's not a loss if you never had it. He has been your friend not your boyfriend and you are encroaching on disaster. Meaning that this man probably puts his wife through hell by being dishonest with her and she might not know it until it's too late to not be horrified. Do you know her? If he is your friend & you know her is she not your friend too? If he did leave her & takes up with you, do you think you may be in his wife's shoes when he is restless. You should put yourself first & know that you are better than his need for seconds in the relationship dept. Thank God he will be gone for 5 days. pull yourself together & please understand that a man or woman that is married and will tell another that they have feelings for someone that are stronger than the promise he made under God to another is not stable and can not give you what you deserve. IMHO
I think no matter what, in light of your medical issues he is selfish to have unloaded this crap on you knowing the only thing he can offer is an affair. In this case, I think keep your friends close and your friends that are too friendly farther away. It sounds like you need to be wanted & needed as we all do and you are flirting with fire calling a married man your friend in a way that you "only recently felt-since he told you his feelings" it's normal to reach to the nearest comfort. It's not a loss if you never had it. He has been your friend not your boyfriend and you are encroaching on disaster. Meaning that this man probably puts his wife through hell by being dishonest with her and she might not know it until it's too late to not be horrified. Do you know her? If he is your friend & you know her is she not your friend too? If he did leave her & takes up with you, do you think you may be in his wife's shoes when he is restless. You should put yourself first & know that you are better than his need for seconds in the relationship dept. Thank God he will be gone for 5 days. pull yourself together & please understand that a man or woman that is married and will tell another that they have feelings for someone that are stronger than the promise he made under God to another is not stable and can not give you what you deserve. IMHO
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Guest
lilsismj,
Wow, it does sound like a very complicated situation because it does involve your job, and I could definitely see why you would have anxiety around him.
I'm just going to give my opinion, knowing that what works for me may not work for everyone. I have been married for 12 years, and I have very strict boundaries for myself regarding relationships with the opposite sex. I know that not everyone will agree with that, but it's worked so far:). I know that there's a belief system that you can be married and have friends with the opposite sex, and that if you don't, you are insecure about your marriage. I don't look at it that way at all. I look at it from the stand point that there will never be a perfect relationship or marriage, and it's just too easy to get tempted at certain times. If I'm in a fight with my husband, and I'm talking to another male friend, and he's giving me what my husband may not be giving me at that time, it's just too tempting to think the grass is greener, etc. I don't look at myself as holier than thou, but look at myself from the stand point that I am a human being who can make mistakes. I've made a life long commitment to my husband which was my choice, and I'm going to do all that I can to honor that commitment. We have a ten year old son with autism as well, who needs us to do the best we can to make it work. I do love my husband, and I couldn't ask to be with a better person. At the same time, I know that no one is perfect, and if I feel that I could be tempted with such a great husband then I think it can happen to anyone. If I need to work things out with my husband, then I need to be talking to my husband. I also don't really talk to girl friends about my husband when I have a conflict. It's not that I never do it, but I don't do it a lot because it's something that I need to work out with my husband. Anyway, I just have really strict boundaries regarding opposite sex friends, and my husband does too, and we are both comfortable with that. I feel like I can never be too careful. I've had a few male friendships in the past, and I and my husband were comfortable with it, but then the males seemed to be having other ideas, so I have very strict boundaries.
So, I just feel like this is going to be really difficult to work out for you, and I have compassion for you. I don't think you can go back to the way things were after you both have revealed the truth. I think your anxiety is telling you that. You don't want to have an affair with him because you feel it would be wrong, but you do feel the way you feel about him and he told you the same and that's the truth whether or not you both decide to acknowledge it again.
Please look at all of your options regarding your employment with him. Can you be assigned a different location within your company? Can you have an honest conversation with him that y'all need to end the friendship and just be strictly business when you do interact? I think you may have said that's what you were trying to do. Yes, it's going to be said. It's the loss of a friendship, and you need to give yourself love and support and know that it's O.K. to feel the sadness. I definitely think that you can cope with anxiety symptoms and that they won't kill you, but anxiety can often be a signal when we are not following our intuition. If we listen to what it's trying to tell us, then it can resolve itself without us having to do the other techniques. It's not that way all of the time, but I am starting to find out that it is a lot of the time.
I guess if you have to stay in this situation, you just really have to talk to yourself. You have to let yourself know that you made choices, and you are not trapped. You feel the way you do about him, but you've made a choice not to pursue it, and you are doing all you can to let him go. You've made the choice that staying at this job is what's best for you, and try to focus on what those positive reasons are. Try to find another friend at work, preferably, a non-married man or another girl friend, and try to focus on another relationship.
Like you said, you are unsure of how to grieve the loss. Focus on the fact that this isn't the "one" for you, and that there is someone more available coming in the future. Cry, write, and just keep being aware that you are making a choice and all of the good reasons you have for doing so. I mean you really do deserve better. You do deserve a loving relationship and friendship with someone who is available to give you what you deserve. You've decided that he is not the one for you, and there is someone else, there really is. I hope something I said I helped. I haven't read everyone else's responses so forgive me if I was repeating what someone else already said.
Take Care,
luvpiggy
Wow, it does sound like a very complicated situation because it does involve your job, and I could definitely see why you would have anxiety around him.
I'm just going to give my opinion, knowing that what works for me may not work for everyone. I have been married for 12 years, and I have very strict boundaries for myself regarding relationships with the opposite sex. I know that not everyone will agree with that, but it's worked so far:). I know that there's a belief system that you can be married and have friends with the opposite sex, and that if you don't, you are insecure about your marriage. I don't look at it that way at all. I look at it from the stand point that there will never be a perfect relationship or marriage, and it's just too easy to get tempted at certain times. If I'm in a fight with my husband, and I'm talking to another male friend, and he's giving me what my husband may not be giving me at that time, it's just too tempting to think the grass is greener, etc. I don't look at myself as holier than thou, but look at myself from the stand point that I am a human being who can make mistakes. I've made a life long commitment to my husband which was my choice, and I'm going to do all that I can to honor that commitment. We have a ten year old son with autism as well, who needs us to do the best we can to make it work. I do love my husband, and I couldn't ask to be with a better person. At the same time, I know that no one is perfect, and if I feel that I could be tempted with such a great husband then I think it can happen to anyone. If I need to work things out with my husband, then I need to be talking to my husband. I also don't really talk to girl friends about my husband when I have a conflict. It's not that I never do it, but I don't do it a lot because it's something that I need to work out with my husband. Anyway, I just have really strict boundaries regarding opposite sex friends, and my husband does too, and we are both comfortable with that. I feel like I can never be too careful. I've had a few male friendships in the past, and I and my husband were comfortable with it, but then the males seemed to be having other ideas, so I have very strict boundaries.
So, I just feel like this is going to be really difficult to work out for you, and I have compassion for you. I don't think you can go back to the way things were after you both have revealed the truth. I think your anxiety is telling you that. You don't want to have an affair with him because you feel it would be wrong, but you do feel the way you feel about him and he told you the same and that's the truth whether or not you both decide to acknowledge it again.
Please look at all of your options regarding your employment with him. Can you be assigned a different location within your company? Can you have an honest conversation with him that y'all need to end the friendship and just be strictly business when you do interact? I think you may have said that's what you were trying to do. Yes, it's going to be said. It's the loss of a friendship, and you need to give yourself love and support and know that it's O.K. to feel the sadness. I definitely think that you can cope with anxiety symptoms and that they won't kill you, but anxiety can often be a signal when we are not following our intuition. If we listen to what it's trying to tell us, then it can resolve itself without us having to do the other techniques. It's not that way all of the time, but I am starting to find out that it is a lot of the time.
I guess if you have to stay in this situation, you just really have to talk to yourself. You have to let yourself know that you made choices, and you are not trapped. You feel the way you do about him, but you've made a choice not to pursue it, and you are doing all you can to let him go. You've made the choice that staying at this job is what's best for you, and try to focus on what those positive reasons are. Try to find another friend at work, preferably, a non-married man or another girl friend, and try to focus on another relationship.
Like you said, you are unsure of how to grieve the loss. Focus on the fact that this isn't the "one" for you, and that there is someone more available coming in the future. Cry, write, and just keep being aware that you are making a choice and all of the good reasons you have for doing so. I mean you really do deserve better. You do deserve a loving relationship and friendship with someone who is available to give you what you deserve. You've decided that he is not the one for you, and there is someone else, there really is. I hope something I said I helped. I haven't read everyone else's responses so forgive me if I was repeating what someone else already said.
Take Care,
luvpiggy
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Guest
I really appreciate all the opinions and advice...all of them, even if they are things that are difficult to hear. Even in the face of a very easy to judge situation, I really appreciate the unconditional support you have all offered me.
Thank you so much. This is difficult, but I can do it. I think
Thank you so much. This is difficult, but I can do it. I think
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Guest
I don't know why anyone would want to be in ANY sort of relationship with a married man...they are NOT available. I think it is a lack of self esteem on your part. It is not a real relationship and in some way may be safe for you because your expectations are low. There are plenty of available nice men out there so don't settle for second place...What kind of man is willing to give up and hurt his family? What kind of good character is that? There is no way you can remain friends either it just doesn't work and is a slippery slope. My advice back off. Many marriage could be saved if more woman said no to a married man. No excuses end of story
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Guest
Dina,
I completely understand your perspective and agree that many more marriages would last if both sides said no (since women are just as likely as men to have affairs), people took more time looking and getting to knowing each other, and yes, be strong in character.
However, if I could have decided for none of this to occur in my head and heart...I think I would have. I didn't mean to have feelings for him, I didn't try, and again, am NOT acting on anything in any way shape or form.
L_isa...thanks so much for the support. I am trying to not worry about anything at all! I won't have too much of a wall to walk through if I don't feed the anticipation of the awkwardness at work.
We already made it through one day of uncomfortableness...and while I hope I don't have too many more of those...it wasn't unbearable. So, that gives me hope.
I completely understand your perspective and agree that many more marriages would last if both sides said no (since women are just as likely as men to have affairs), people took more time looking and getting to knowing each other, and yes, be strong in character.
However, if I could have decided for none of this to occur in my head and heart...I think I would have. I didn't mean to have feelings for him, I didn't try, and again, am NOT acting on anything in any way shape or form.
L_isa...thanks so much for the support. I am trying to not worry about anything at all! I won't have too much of a wall to walk through if I don't feed the anticipation of the awkwardness at work.
We already made it through one day of uncomfortableness...and while I hope I don't have too many more of those...it wasn't unbearable. So, that gives me hope.
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Guest
I have a big-time problem with this kind of relationship. In the 1st place-what you have between each other is chemistry. We know it is a real thing-when you feel these feelings for someone else. And Britt is right-it won't go away-what you will do the week he is gone is admit it-you will miss him-prob alot! You may have to distance yourself from this man-like outta sight outta mind or you may end up on the wrong end of things- I don't know how old you are-but at my age now if I had been the instrument causing 2kids-1 kid-however many kids-to be w/out their father and broken another ladies heart I would prob hang myself! That's where nobody gets it-not speaking about the members here-just people in general who get on with these kinds of matters-everybody thinks oHHH the kids are little-they will get over it-or the kids are grown now it doesn't matter-well, if the kids don't matter then what does!? The kids are all that matters. His wife may not be who he wants to be with now-but it don't matter-He has kids depending on him! He, his wife, and you could all get sick and die-or....uhg=I hate not being able to think-fibrofog-all that matters is the kids. over and out.
I have personal exp. here but it doesn't change a thing-if he leaves her for you you will in the long run be charged with-if only in your own mind-making him leave these kids. And think about this-I think it is suiting that these married men w/children pursuing other women if they do ever marry again how much of his paycheck is he going to lose because he has to make child-support payments till they are 18-and then if I were one of the kids I would go to college straight out of highschool too! LOL LOL LOL He would pay for so many yrs. he wouldn't have 2 nickels to rub together if I had anything to do with it! In my home state N.C. we have a law on the books to this very day allowing the woman he might entertain divorcing to SUE the "other" woman! Go look it up. My Mom could have sued my step-female person after my Dad left Mom for her! Mom didn't do it but hey because they were married 25 yrs.and had 4 of us-Mom is now drawing my Dad's Social Security-making the amt. he draws sig.lower! Good for her! OH and it is said-it doesn't hurt the older children-HUH! The research now is it hurts the older ones worse! Guess what-I was the oldest and the only girl! Yes, the "other woman" has caused yrs of pain to my family-she is only 10 yrs older than me! I have NO respect for her at all-but she doesn't know that-that way I bide my time until the day I get to tell her what a stinking excuse for a human being she really is! OH and went she started courting my Dad-she had long long dark hair and a really good fig-my Mom isn't too hard on the eyes yet and she is 77. But the thing my Dad replaced her with is if she weighs a pound at about 300lbs right now-no joke! I got her an outfit for Christmas! a women's 6X in pants! You should have seen them! tooo much fun now! My Dad is 78-he fractured BOTH arms and dis-located one shoulder! trying to push the blob in a wheelchair after she fell and broke her femur! ahahahaha This all happened before Christmas and Dad still can't even drive! OH God help me I get really bad anxiety over this! My brothers and even my Dad's sister and brother and Dad's mom before she passed on-all think Dad daily regrets what he did leaving my Mom-in a group picture at her last Hschool reunion she looks the youngest and is the prettiest one there and she is little! It's call poetic justice and it belongs to women and men who think they can trade families at will! Yeah my Dad ended up with her big fat lazy,stubborn son to live with too! rotf rotf I can hardly type for laughing! And all that long dark hair...it came from a bottle-and the couch they had during the 1st yrs. of their life-where she would lay her head on the arm of it after work in the evenings turned black-it wore off! It wasn't only bottled it was cheap too! And guess what else-LOL LOL rotf LOL her head is totally grey now-not white-it is grey and it is short.
Poetic Justice,
Peace,
Deb
I have personal exp. here but it doesn't change a thing-if he leaves her for you you will in the long run be charged with-if only in your own mind-making him leave these kids. And think about this-I think it is suiting that these married men w/children pursuing other women if they do ever marry again how much of his paycheck is he going to lose because he has to make child-support payments till they are 18-and then if I were one of the kids I would go to college straight out of highschool too! LOL LOL LOL He would pay for so many yrs. he wouldn't have 2 nickels to rub together if I had anything to do with it! In my home state N.C. we have a law on the books to this very day allowing the woman he might entertain divorcing to SUE the "other" woman! Go look it up. My Mom could have sued my step-female person after my Dad left Mom for her! Mom didn't do it but hey because they were married 25 yrs.and had 4 of us-Mom is now drawing my Dad's Social Security-making the amt. he draws sig.lower! Good for her! OH and it is said-it doesn't hurt the older children-HUH! The research now is it hurts the older ones worse! Guess what-I was the oldest and the only girl! Yes, the "other woman" has caused yrs of pain to my family-she is only 10 yrs older than me! I have NO respect for her at all-but she doesn't know that-that way I bide my time until the day I get to tell her what a stinking excuse for a human being she really is! OH and went she started courting my Dad-she had long long dark hair and a really good fig-my Mom isn't too hard on the eyes yet and she is 77. But the thing my Dad replaced her with is if she weighs a pound at about 300lbs right now-no joke! I got her an outfit for Christmas! a women's 6X in pants! You should have seen them! tooo much fun now! My Dad is 78-he fractured BOTH arms and dis-located one shoulder! trying to push the blob in a wheelchair after she fell and broke her femur! ahahahaha This all happened before Christmas and Dad still can't even drive! OH God help me I get really bad anxiety over this! My brothers and even my Dad's sister and brother and Dad's mom before she passed on-all think Dad daily regrets what he did leaving my Mom-in a group picture at her last Hschool reunion she looks the youngest and is the prettiest one there and she is little! It's call poetic justice and it belongs to women and men who think they can trade families at will! Yeah my Dad ended up with her big fat lazy,stubborn son to live with too! rotf rotf I can hardly type for laughing! And all that long dark hair...it came from a bottle-and the couch they had during the 1st yrs. of their life-where she would lay her head on the arm of it after work in the evenings turned black-it wore off! It wasn't only bottled it was cheap too! And guess what else-LOL LOL rotf LOL her head is totally grey now-not white-it is grey and it is short.
Poetic Justice,
Peace,
Deb
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Guest
PS I will never forget the look on my 3 little brothers faces as I came in from work one evening and they stood there like stair-steps and big eyes looking a me-"Where is Mamaw." "She has her suitcase on her bed and it is packed." I ask-where's Dad? they don't know. Then Mom comes in-she had gone out for things she needed to take with her so she wouldn't have to take his toothpaste-etc. and it was then she told us-and it makes me bawl to this day. She tells me I need to stay with the boys and that Dad would be home soon. Those 3 little boys are grown now-they hate that woman just like I do to this day.But they aren't as suttle as I am.
After I tell you all this and you still want that man-more power to you-you deserve him and he you- but I see through you my friend and I guess you are in for a life lesson.I can think of loads of other stuff to put on this post but I am tired now.
Man I wish I hadn't even read your post!
Turn the page...........
DEB
After I tell you all this and you still want that man-more power to you-you deserve him and he you- but I see through you my friend and I guess you are in for a life lesson.I can think of loads of other stuff to put on this post but I am tired now.
Man I wish I hadn't even read your post!
Turn the page...........
DEB