Difficult People

Stagerlee · Post by **Stagerlee** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 1:59 am

I am reading a really great book (IMHO) right now called "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Henry Cloud. In it he talks about how we can only control our own actions and not the actions of our spouse. He talks about setting up boundaries to protect ourselvs and our marriage in the long run - things like, "I'm sorry you feel that way (or don't what to hear what I am saying), but I am not going to stand here and be subjected to your anger. If you react this way again, I am going to leave for awhile. I'm telling you this now so that you will understand why it is happening."

Of course, we probably wouldn't use quite those words, but you get the idea. There has to be a consequence for bad behavior or the behavior won't (or has less of a chance to) change.

My husband used to cuss at me and tell me pretty horrible things about "his opinion" of me. Instead of remaining calm, I would feed his anger by being hurt or angry right back and arguing with him...or being directive and telling him what he should or should not do. Truly, I couldn't control him...it was pointless to try. And I've gotten in the car and left in anger before too and that was not the best method either. Giving the consequence ahead of time and then following through in a calm manner (at least on the outside it was calm -

) is a much better way to be effective and not affected.

Just my two cents...

Dawn

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 2:42 am

Originally posted by Still Kickin:
Deb Bless your heart-don't be so down on you. You must have like me..."Skipped the mind reading course?"
Deb hang in honey-we can't be perfect all the time. Like I said before-"in my Strive to be perfect I fail." If it was his yr. B-day he could have reminded you-not expected you to remember! He needs to take as much responsibility for his behavior as you do! Please don't let this get a hold of you-it's okay-remember?
Did you ask him if he has a sponsor and about alnon meetings for you? Ask him if he is wking the 12 steps to recovery. If he was he would see how he is acting! Does he have the Blue Book-it's the AA's Bible.
Remember-Easy Does it. I just don't think he is wking on his steps-it is no diff than what we are doing here-just diff steps. The AA program will help him but it won't just happen one day and he is all better.If you are going to do step 6? again-he needs to do step one-admitting he has a problem-with 'stinkin thinkin'-and on a dry drunk. They are worse than the wet ones! LOL LOL just a little humor here.
God Bless you Deb at least you haven't killed him!! More funny? I will put you in my prayers tonight for sure. "You take it easy"-that's another AA slogan.Ask him about the steps-If you want to and a sponsor. It's the tried and true method for recovery.
God Bless,
Deb^J^
We are More than Conquerors to HIM that Loved us. Romans 8:37

Hi Stillkickin

Yes he does have a sponsor and we did discuss his anger issues when I cooled down. We even listened to Session 6 on Anger together. We both
totally related to it.

He apologized to me finally but 4 days of holding a grudge for no apparent reason was uncalled for. He was taking out his frustrations on me and he picked any little issue and blew it up out of proportion because he was feeling bad and depressed. I know there's really no excuse for his behavior but that's what it was. He was offered 3 jobs and had to turn them down because of health insurance issues & he is beating himself up about this also. Again I know it's no excuse for him treating me this way but he did take out his anger on me.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 2:55 am

Originally posted by Mimigirl:
Wow I am so surprised at this thread, I am glad to know that I am not alone in this. Don't get me wrong I am so sorry for you going through this Deb and Believer it is just when you talk to most people on the site there spouses are so supportive I always felt so alone in that department. My hubby is also emotionally abusive for a very long time and an alcoholic and we have no communication any more at all. It is so lonley when you have to live with anxiety, depression, panic etc... with no support at all. I will be praying for you as well I wish we didn't have this in common it is just so weird that I have never ever had this topic come up or maybe I have missed it. If you ever need to talk I TOTALLY understand and you can pm me anytime. I am so sorry for what you are going through I do understand it though. I am not sure how to handle it either though, sorry I wish I had some good advice.
God bless you on this journey
Mimi

Thanks Mimi

He was taking his frustrations out on me-being upset about a few job offers he had to turn down
and then blew up when I brought up a few topics
during therapy that he didn't want to hear.
Again, I know there is no excuse for him to lash
out like that -and hold grudges and blame me for
his 'issues' that he is dealing with.

I just could kick myself for 'blowing up' & crying. I should have just walked away but 4 DAYS of 'cold shoulder' treatment was about all
I could handle.
Next time if this happens I am going to know that it's not me & that he is taking out his frustrations on me & maybe I would feel so affected next time- but I hope he DOESN"T do it again.
I totally REGRET getting so upset and will NOT do it again!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Court · Post by **Court** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 3:03 am

Originally posted by Superman:
Hi Deb, as a man, you must understand that sometimes... well most of the time we become worst than children ha. Well some of us...ha

Deb, you have the ability to respond the way you want to - no matter what your husband say's or react to you.
In fact, the only thing we have complete control over is our actions.
However, the way you respond will impact the situation either positively or negatively.
If you have a quick trigger, count to 10 and then respond. Remember the big picture. You do not want to win the battle, but lose the war.
Your objective is to resolve disputes and get on to bigger and better things.
People have gotten divorced over where one of them squeezes the tooth paste tube. Don’t make that mistake. Don't make the same mistake I've done.
… and when in doubt -
Treat your husband like you would like to be treated.
Communication, is the only powerful tool that a married couple has.
The ability not to hear but to listen.
Deb. go out for supper and just talk, let him know that you need to be able to 'voice' your concerns without fearing that he will become enraged and defensive all the time, and how his 'defensive hurtful words'. is really affecting you. You need to do is outside your house... Restaurant is a good place.
If he truly, unconditionally loves you, the way we should all love ourselves, he will put an effort to change.
If not well. You need to look out for number 1... YOU DEB...
My wife used many hurtful words. Words like, I'm crazy, I'm not a man, I'm sick,
Lets just say we're separated for 4 months now, and it feels great not to hear, not only hear but feel those words.
Hope your husband can understand before it becomes to late for him.
Hope this helps.
If you wish to chat and get a Males point of view. I here for you Deb
Smirnoff.boy@hotmail.com
Ciao Your Canadian friend Steven

Thanks Superman;

Sorry to hear about your separation. I hope she
realizes that her behavior towards you is wrong
and you both get back together.

As for my hubby he needs to deal with his 'issues' and stop taking them out on me. We all
have struggles thru daily life, but I try to deal with them thru relaxation, taking long walks, or going to work out -& he needs to do the same. I guess we always lash out at the ones we love -but this is SO wrong and hurtful.
I was very hurt and angry yesterday and I don't want to feel that way again--I was provoked, yes, but should have taken a walk or a drive. I just couldn't live with him another day with that cold shoulder treatment and nasty-ness.
He has been upset about turning down really good job offers because they had crappy insurance and it is REALLY making him feel trapped in his current job. -Again -no excuse- for his abusive behavior towards me but it really wasn't 'Me' who he was mad at.

Best to You !!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 7:08 am

I had a feeling Deb he is mad at hisself. Misery Loves Company. I hate that you are on this roller coaster with him but good he has a sponsor. Have you been to any meetings with him? My H-God Rest Him-went with me alot.Needing AA and having this problem too was like an oxy-moron! my H was great help to me when it fianlly came time to quit drinking alcohol. I had just followed some people down that path and couldn't get back on my own. Would you tell us what the ins. problems are-somebody on here might can help with that booger! But, really it worked for me to voice my anger at the meetings and not bring it home-I finally realized that home is a sanctuary. And NOBODY deserved what was coming out of my head at that time!
There has to be alnon online by this date and time. But, my H said-he got more out of my meetings than alnon-it was mostly full of women.
If I can help someone else it helps me-so remember me I am here for you guys.
As we used to say at the end of our AA meetings
after the Serenity Prayer:
"It works if you work it"
I kept a copy of the Serenity Prayer on my bathrm mirror-and sev other places in the house so I could be reminded.
Also, there is a little book-it's like $7 called "One Day at a Time" daily devotions for AA members. It was a great help-still is sometimes.
Remember today-yesterday is gone and tomorrow never comes.
Always,
Deb ^J^

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 24, 2008 9:48 am

I absolutely agree with Dawn, although it is extremely hard to control yourself when you feel hurt, and are angry.
The only way to be effective is to be not "affected". The only way not to be affected is to understand the other and see his/her problems separately from ours. If he/she is misstreating us but we know that it is caused by his/her problems and not a real fault on us, then we can step out of the anger, take the 5min. or 24 hour break and then respond in an effective way.
But, boy, to get there takes a lot of certainty and assertive behavior. Session 6 and 7 did it for me.
DebDeb and all of us doing this program need a big quote of certaninty and self-love to act effectively against the ones who might be hurting us (including ourselves)

Shifrah · Post by **Shifrah** » Tue Mar 25, 2008 2:26 am

Originally posted by Still Kickin:
I had a feeling Deb he is mad at hisself. Misery Loves Company. I hate that you are on this roller coaster with him but good he has a sponsor. Have you been to any meetings with him? My H-God Rest Him-went with me alot.Needing AA and having this problem too was like an oxy-moron! my H was great help to me when it fianlly came time to quit drinking alcohol. I had just followed some people down that path and couldn't get back on my own. Would you tell us what the ins. problems are-somebody on here might can help with that booger! But, really it worked for me to voice my anger at the meetings and not bring it home-I finally realized that home is a sanctuary. And NOBODY deserved what was coming out of my head at that time!
There has to be alnon online by this date and time. But, my H said-he got more out of my meetings than alnon-it was mostly full of women.
If I can help someone else it helps me-so remember me I am here for you guys.
As we used to say at the end of our AA meetings
after the Serenity Prayer:
"It works if you work it"
I kept a copy of the Serenity Prayer on my bathrm mirror-and sev other places in the house so I could be reminded.
Also, there is a little book-it's like $7 called "One Day at a Time" daily devotions for AA members. It was a great help-still is sometimes.
Remember today-yesterday is gone and tomorrow never comes.
Always,
Deb ^J^

Hi Stillkickin

Thank you for helping me. Our therapist wants to
see us sooner-trying to get us in earlier to discuss his behavior. -Yes you are right I think he has a lot of anger issues. Together with having to turn down job offers and then
other health issues, he was really cranky but still there's no reason to treat me like that for 4 days.
He's being really nice to me right now but he's
got to learn not to take things so defensively
and to not take his problems out on me. He feels
that he has come a long way since last year and that I should be praising him and not complaining about other issues that bother me--but he should be kind to me.
He was under a lot of pressure & I guess he couldn't handle a little criticism that I had
dished out in the last session-I guess my timing
was off -
I do feel grateful that he stopped drinking but
he needs to work on his anger issues _I told him
to talk to his sponsor about it.
I don't need this extra tension and stress right
now so I hope we can get along better with more
COMMUNICATION. Which I will discuss with our
psych. at the next meeting.

I am feeling positive!

Hugs to you all for your support.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Mar 25, 2008 2:56 am

You are doing fabulous DebDeb and I am so proud of you. I see all the positive steps you are taking and I know its hard to have someone unstable with their emotions. First their nice and calm and then a whole new ugly side comes out like the devil himself...and its scary and triggering. I'm so happy your therapist and along with all the prayers you and I will get pass this. I finally had to go off on my husband Saturday evening about the kids....He's now walking on ice instead of me...

I don't like to be that way with anyone but I know i have to protect my little ones....Have a beautiful and wonderful day...

..Don, DebDeb, MiMigirl, Barb G, and if I missed anyone else thank you so much for your wonderful support and prayers.....and words of Faith. May God bless each and everyone of you in a supernatural awesome way!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Mar 25, 2008 3:40 am

Originally posted by Believer08:
You are doing fabulous DebDeb and I am so proud of you. I see all the positive steps you are taking and I know its hard to have someone unstable with their emotions. First their nice and calm and then a whole new ugly side comes out like the devil himself...and its scary and triggering. I'm so happy your therapist and along with all the prayers you and I will get pass this. I finally had to go off on my husband Saturday evening about the kids....He's now walking on ice instead of me... I don't like to be that way with anyone but I know i have to protect my little ones....Have a beautiful and wonderful day...

..Don, DebDeb, MiMigirl, Barb G, and if I missed anyone else thank you so much for your wonderful support and prayers.....and words of Faith. May God bless each and everyone of you in a supernatural awesome way!

Believer;

Good for you! Stand your ground and be strong-
& thank you for your blessings! I hope it gets better for you-hang in there.
All we can do is be positive and try not to get yourself too upset -it's not good for us -esp. for our anxiety -it can make it worse and it's not worth compromising our health. I know after
my blowout with him I felt exhausted and nervous
and it has made my TMJ/jaw area really tense along with my neck and shoulders. Tonight I am
going to work it out at the gym & try to relax my vulnerable areas of tension.

Best Wishes!