broken heart

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Guest

Post by Guest » Wed Mar 12, 2008 2:59 am

FearNot,

Hang in there girl! BIG HUGS!!

You can only control your actions, unfortunately not theirs. I'm so sorry that they treat you this way; it's truly inexcusable. How do you feel about yourself though. Do you respect yourself? Work on loving the wonderful person that you obviously are - courageous, kind, dedicated, determined...the list could go on and on!

I've just started reading the book "Codependent No More" - I thought that codependency was about people living with checmically-dependent partners/spouses/family members, but it can also mean people who learned behaviors early on that contribute the the bad attitudes/behaviors of others thus hindering the codependent person from having "normal" healthy relationships. I am starting to see that in myself and the way I "take it" from others, the way I convince myself that things they say or do are true and right, and the way I adjust and alter my schedules, attitudes, bahavior, etc. to suit them...or to make them happy. Could this be an issue for you as well?

I know it's easier said than done, but try not to let them get you down...join the prayer line, come in here to vent and seek solutions, and don't believe the lies about your appearance, or whatever they are saying at home...God loves you just as you are and He stands ready to help you grow, learn, and change into the person HE created you to be.

You're on your way to GREAT things!

Blessings,
Dawn

Guest

Post by Guest » Wed Mar 12, 2008 4:28 am

Fear not,
I hear ya. I grew up with a father who has generalized anxiety disorder and OCD tendencies, so he basically robbed me of my self esteem. It's sad to say, but sometimes you just need to think about yourself when the people around you are constantly putting you down and just GET AWAY. I finally couldn't take it, thought only of my recovery from all of the abusiveness and MOVED OUT!

It's funny how their attitude and perception towards you changes once you're no longer in the picture. ;)

I can thank my dad for my A&D, but at least I'm taking initiative to change my life and change how I view myself...and you have no idea how distorted it is.

Take the time to love yourself. And never fear hurting their feelings in order to defend yourself.

xoxo

Guest

Post by Guest » Wed Mar 12, 2008 6:49 am

Dear Fear not,
Your post could have been written from me a few years ago. I was experiencing almost the same exact problem. My husband was emotionally abusive and my children picked up on it and were emotionally abusive also. I too was brokenhearted. I had centered my whole life around my children and husband and this is the way I was being treated. I made a Doctor's appointment at a clinic that charged based on income. (It was still difficult to pay.) I saw the medical doctor and got on prozac, then went to the psychologist for counseling. My husband and I had tried marriage counseling a few times before without any success. This time I was going to counseling for me. My counselor had me read a book that was very helpful. I wish I could remember the name of it. It was very different from the tons of books I had read on marriage before. My counselor was basically trying to teach me to be more assertive and less codependent. It kind of goes right along with being less affected and more affective. He encouraged me to get out and do something I enjoy at least once a week. He told me that my family would not necessarily be happy about the changes I was making. One thing that finally made the difference with everyone was when I went to help my oldest daughter during an illness that she had. I went even though my husband didn't want me to. I was gone for three months. During that time I think that everyone missed me and appreciated me a little more. Here are some things I learned that were helpful.
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>I got a credit card in my name, just in case I just couldn't stand being around my husband and needed to get away.(I hate being in debt but this gave me some security that I could get away from the situation if I needed to.) I never actually used the card, but I would if I needed to.<LI> If you have supportive friends to talk to that is nice.<LI> Children around eighteen years old are in between being a child and an adult. They are seeking an independence but still have immaturity. Most children around that age are somewhat annoyed by their parents. I gave up trying to be in control of my young adult child and started just listening to what she was saying without giving much response. I tried to be there for my Kids, do special things for them but let them know I realize it's OK to do things for myself too and not run myself ragged. I don't do these things for their love in return. I do them because of who I am. Eventually my Kids started having more respect for me and realizing that my problems with my husband aren't just my fault. Sometimes when they say something that seems mean, I just say without sounding upset, "Are you trying to be disrespectful?" <LI>When my husband or chidren said mean things I tried not to argue, fight, scream, yell, or cry, but just state my opinion if it wasn't already well known. If it was well known, I would respond with, "Well, you know how I feel about that." I would then walk away, maybe go for a walk, do something I needed to do, or do something for myself. <LI>It is not our responsibility to make our family happy. We cannot take responsibility for their happiness. They have to do that. We can only take responsibility for our own happiness. <LI>For me going back to school for a degree so that I can get a decent job has given me a tremendous amount of confidence in my abilities. My goal is to do something about the things that bug me. Life is stressful and not easy, but I am committed to changing the things I can. Maybe there is something in your life that you would like to do for yourself. Do it.</UL> I still don't know if I can stay with my husband forever, but I no longer feel trapped. I can leave if I want. Somehow just knowing that I do have a choice is helpful.

Ld26angell
Posts: 48
Joined: Wed Mar 15, 2006 1:07 pm

Post by Ld26angell » Wed Mar 12, 2008 1:43 pm

Most of Indiana
is in the
Eastern Time Zone
Western Indiana
is in the
Central Time zone

I am not sure where you live but you either call in at 9 or 10 pm

Guest

Post by Guest » Wed Mar 12, 2008 2:33 pm

Dear Fear not,
Something else I wanted to say is be proud of yourself. You really are doing great! You have lost 14 pounds, you have a clean house, and get ready every day. You are a strong person.

Guest

Post by Guest » Wed Mar 12, 2008 2:52 pm

I had a friend who was a recovered alcoholic, he had been sober for over 20 years. Unfortunately he had an anxiety problem too, to make a long story short he went from a successful business, Lots of friends, a loving wife, to nothing he trusted the wrong people, made mistakes and lost everything, everything execpt one thing- He said that when ever he was tempted to go back to the bottle and he was, had nothing else. He would resolve that they could not have his sobriety! He was in control of that. His lesson to me, THEY CAN'T TAKE AWAY WHO YOU ARE.

Guest

Post by Guest » Wed Mar 12, 2008 3:28 pm

Hello fear not.

Be courageous. GOD is with you. I've experienced an abusive partner so I know what you're going through. It makes you feel like you're a prisoner in your own home. keep working on the program. Work on the self esteem and the assertive behavior lessons with all your might. They are going to help you so much.

Children often learn from what they see. Your children are only this way because of their father. Sometimes we are not aware of it but your children may treat you that way in order to stay on the good side of their father. They may feel that if they don't go along with him, he might start treating them bad too. They may just be afraid.

Fear not, You have so many friends here. You are not alone anymore.

Guest

Post by Guest » Wed Mar 12, 2008 3:55 pm

Hello!Thank you,thank you,thank you!!!!!You all have such huge hearts and are full of kindness and great advice!I'm not used to that so know that you all have made me feel like a real person again and not just a nobody.I wanted you guys to know that I am proud of myself because I did make another outing tonight!Yeah!I went to Subway (man was it hot in there!)lol!Then we went to my sisters house and she was babysitting my granddaughter who I don't get to see so I got to see her!!!Thank you Jesus!All of the praise and glory to you!!!I think I'm actually going to start overcoming this agoraphobia thing.Tomorrow night is my sons first grade Spring concert.I'm going to give it one heck of a shot to try and go.Please pray for me!That would be huge progress if I can get through that.You have to understand a year ago I could'nt even walk off my front porch without having severe anxiety.God Bless all of you!!!

Guest

Post by Guest » Thu Mar 13, 2008 6:02 pm

dear fear not, I am thinking of you. big time!
I have some disrespect feelings for my sister and I find that sometimes I am mean to her and I feel so bad. I have been trying to figure out why I am this way and I think some of it is b/c she lets herself be stepped on by her husband and daughter. I get upset that she does not stand up for herself and then I find myself not respecting her. I think what is happening is... she does not respect herself so in essence she is unconsciously telling others how she is to be treated. So, I see her not treating herself with respect and then I in turn lose my respect for her and get short with her and crabby with her. I have no idea if what I am writing might help you, but I thought if you heard from the "other" side of the story, it might give you some insight. I love my sister and I really don't mean to treat her abruptly or annoyed with her, but it just comes out and then I feel bad.
Anyway, I am thinking of you and you can do it! you can go to your son's concert. sit in the back by the door , take deep breaths, know you can leave whenever you need to and also know you can make it through. this is all good.
peace to you,
Mary

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