Obsessing over partner/spouse?

Christian73 · Post by **Christian73** » Mon Mar 03, 2008 2:22 am

I'm curious how others are dealing with obsessions related to their spouse or partner. My boyfriend and I are in couples counseling and, while I think we're making progress, I find myself backsliding in certain areas because I end up having intrusive thoughts about him and me. They take the form of the every day "what if he doesn't love me anymore?/what if I don't love him anymore?" to "what if I really want to hurt him?" etc. This is interfering with our progress and our relationship. Anyone else going through this? If so, how are you dealing with it?

Tristan629 · Post by **Tristan629** » Mon Mar 03, 2008 6:14 am

Yes. Its horrible. I love my girlfriend a lot. But it seems that sometimes my anxiety will make me think strange things like. "Just tell her you dont love her" Or "Tell her your gay" Then I obsesse omg am I gay omg omg omg. So your not the only one who goes throught this kind of thing. Im not gay. I do love her a lot. My problem is when things get a bit bored I start to question things.

deedee00 · Post by **deedee00** » Mon Mar 03, 2008 7:22 am

Hi christain. Your boyfriend loves you. He's going to couples counseling and he's not married to you. For a man - that's love.

Pixie_tired · Post by **Pixie_tired** » Mon Mar 03, 2008 7:41 am

I have done this before as a matter of fact last week unfortunately. i had trouble with knowing if i loved my husband before we were married, just doubting. since being married i've been great and would even wonder how i could've felt that way! until last week those thoughts came back. i am feeling better over the weekend/today. i found good information on relationship ocd if you google it and it is very common among those suffering from anxiety/ocd. i went through therapy in the beginning with this being my main topic and my therapist was able to help me through this and realize it was just my anxiety. when i am feeling good i am head over heals for him. it's just hard because you begin to wonder if the doubts are really the way you truly feel. you just have to tell yourself, its not you its the anxiety.

i hope you are able to work through this and best of luck.

bevhembree · Post by **bevhembree** » Mon Mar 03, 2008 8:51 am

Oh gosh. We are on the same page. I've put my hubby through so much over the last two years, I wonder where his strength is coming from and how long it will last.
When I ask him if he loves me, it's annoying to him b/c he doesn't understand why I'm asking or what he's done wrong for me to be asking. And it's not fair of me, he hasn't done anything wrong. It's my insecurities.
I think the program teaches to change those thoughts into positive what if's like, "What if his love gets stronger and stronger?, What if I can give him back even have of what he's given me- how great we would be?, What if I commit to telling him I love him each day by doing something special like his favorite dinner or a foot massage?"
We've got to turn our thinking around and not let negativity steal our precious moments.

jk55 · Post by **jk55** » Mon Mar 03, 2008 3:16 pm

Thank you for posting this question. I dont' personally have those thoughts but a close friend of mine who also experiences anxiety has had them. For some reason I didn't really put the two together, I guess cause I've seen her in her panic and the issue never came up. Anyway, dont' let the second guessing get the best of you. You know your boyfriend loves you, how about every time you start to doubt it or want to say something negative, you give him a kiss and tell him how much you love him.

liz3 · Post by **liz3** » Mon Mar 03, 2008 4:37 pm

I feel the same way, I sometimes have doubts, if I love my husband or not but thats only when I am not feeling good, when I am feeling anxious and stress, We just have to keep reminding our selves about the good moments, because I know there are a lot of them, I know I love my husband and sometimes its easy to blame him for the way I feel, but now that I am in the program I understand that is me only me the one that is making me feel unhappy, so lets get better and enjoy our lives to the fullest

Corr · Post by **Corr** » Wed Mar 05, 2008 5:31 am

All these posts have really hit home with me today. I have been obsessing for two days about this. My husband drives semi, and has only been home 3 days in over a month. I miss him. He was supposed to be home for 3-4 days, and then plans changed and he is on his way to Seattle. He was home for 16 hours, all during the night and while my daughter and I were at school. It was so upsetting to me. Him and I just went through a huge rough patch, and just "worked" it out. I was feeling so good and hopeful, then this happened and it brought all the obsessing back. Well, I let it come back. At these times I doubt his caring for me, then eventually doubt my love for him. I just want to give up. Then while reading your posts I realized something I never realized before. It is only when I am upset, tired, or not feeling good. I just get so lonely. It is a tough situation. We need the money, but we need him home too. It is hard to find a good balance. Now, I know to not put so much weight into my thoughts. I have been crying for two days. I now know it is my anxiety and scary thoughts, to be patient, and compassionate. I need to distract myself and wait it out. Easy to say. Pracitce though, right?
Good luck to you all!

Tiger Lady · Post by **Tiger Lady** » Wed Mar 05, 2008 6:38 am

my husband and I have been together since we were 16, now married for 23 years. I never doubt his love for me even though we both had made mistakes. Life will bring challenges in any relationship, but you must keep problems in their place and confusion down and let the love take over. Why do you doubt his love for you? I love being with my man, but not obessively, I enjoy time away, because when I do see him I am excited to hug and kiss him after a long day of work or shopping. Take time for yourself, treat yourself to a spa day, visit relatives, etc. sometime you might need a break from each other to appreciate each other.

l_ isa · Post by **l_ isa** » Wed Mar 05, 2008 7:27 am

oh yeah, my deal is I know he loves me. I love him too but don't know if what I experience is the same feeling or even on the same plane. I don't think I know how to love like he does. I sometimes wish I could just leave because I love him & don't want to continue seeing his face searching for a solution for me when I am messed up. He constantly says "we will get there" I want to ask him so badly, where is there & how much longer? You know "r we there yet?" What if my there is still so far from his...on & on & on. I feel it's fashioned just for me, doubt & anxiety & sick of being sick, sick of being tired, sick of trying to be normal. Sick of wondering if when we r out in public (a rare occasion) if people can see the freakishness in me & wonder why is he with her. Rambling in this head of mine is normal for me. I am praying that this program works for me because I have tried everything else. Almost afraid of doing it through though..or past session 3 because what if it does work, who am I then? What if it does not work? Somewhere between unsure & positive is where I live most of the time then I get pized & think I am gonna do this & it is going to work & I put in the cd's, end up listening all day, journaling, thinking back & forward & I always feel better...Always!
It will work for me & for you too. It being self-help & grounding with The Program & those around in here that are not judgemental(yep, they r here too!) I hope your fears are erased soon & that we both know some sort of discontent or fractional thinking is necessary in this life because for those of us searching we are taking the biggest steps that one can when filled with this stuff. Good luck to you. :p