Why can I not stand up and disagree with those I love?

wheredidigo · Post by **wheredidigo** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 3:16 am

I am finishing up session 3..it has been a tough one for me.
I don't understand why I can stand up to someone say at a store when they are crapping on me and yet I get around my ex or the ones I love and as soon as they retaliate, I turtle and hid. I don't know how to let things "roll off me" I take it so personal and then I forget every point I was going to make, so the disagreement is all one sided...THIER side! It isn't until after they have left that the turtle comes out of her shell and goes over ALL the things that I wanted to say! Ahh too late.. Does any one else go through this and how do you deal with it? I have even tried writing things down and it still doesn't work, as soon as the person starts to retalitate...I forget my point of view. It is soo frustrating for me, thus causes more anxiety.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 3:39 am

Wait until you get to the lesson on assertiveness. You will get some great advice on this subject. Until then I can say that I too obsess over should have saids endlessly. You got to ask yourself is it worth it? You know the other person isn't sitting at home wondering if he/she said everything needed. Don't give him/her that control over you. Tell yourself, so what if I didn't get the last word in or didn't get to say this great comeback that I thought of 6 hours later. Let it go. You said yourself that it causes you more anxiety. Is this what you want? More symptoms? No or you wouldn't be here. Don't let these people win by obsessing over shoulds. Good luck and stay strong. It gets better trust me.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 4:42 am

Hi wheredidigo,
I too have this problem. I am ready to start lesson 3. I have always suffered from not being assertive and being able to defend myself without being labeled sensitive or crazy. It has affected me so much because I have the hardest time standing up to family, etc. and allow them to treat me like crap at times or to be bossy. I am so looking forward to the steps to help overcome this and to gain strength. I just want to be able to come across strong and together like other people. Instead I seem to cave and then like you said later on think of everything I should have said. I am also a timid person in social situations and really dislike this trait. I sure hope for changes. Good luck and we will get through this and overcome this. We just have to stay focused on what lucinda is saying and the advice from these forums and the ones that have completed the program and recovered in such positive and more assertive ways. Good Luck!!Originally posted by wheredidigo:
I am finishing up session 3..it has been a tough one for me.
I don't understand why I can stand up to someone say at a store when they are crapping on me and yet I get around my ex or the ones I love and as soon as they retaliate, I turtle and hid. I don't know how to let things "roll off me" I take it so personal and then I forget every point I was going to make, so the disagreement is all one sided...THIER side! It isn't until after they have left that the turtle comes out of her shell and goes over ALL the things that I wanted to say! Ahh too late.. Does any one else go through this and how do you deal with it? I have even tried writing things down and it still doesn't work, as soon as the person starts to retalitate...I forget my point of view. It is soo frustrating for me, thus causes more anxiety.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 5:13 am

Just learnung the site so thought I would reply. I too have a problem with standing up to people. Have been shy and sort of antisocial for my entire life. Biggest problem is with my wife who thinks the louder you yell the more right it makes you. We have never setteled an arguement in 20 years because she yells and I shut down to stop the ranting. I think she feels she is right then because I shut up. If I do pursue the arguement It just escalated to new heights. Did I mention she is overbearing- thinks she has to run everything at home and my business. I can't do a thing without her trumping my decision. If I hold my ground we don't talk for days. I thind she learned this from her parents- years of affairs and fights( actual fist fights). Screeming is second nature to her. Her whole family is high tempered and hair triggered. How do you change this?

ollie · Post by **ollie** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 5:35 am

I'm right there with you guys. My big problem is my husband, who is very assertive and certain and firm, I guess... I don't know how to describe it. My biggest problem is getting him to listen, and to "see" me. I think I say things and make myself very clear, but somehow it comes across as not clear to him and when I finally get frustrated and we end up fighting, he ends up being like, "I didn't know you felt that way." And I think, "How did you not know? I've said this about 80 million times!" I'm looking forward to the section on assertiveness because I think that's what I need. I need to be more clear and assertive and firm about what I think and what I want. Most of my anxiety stems from our relationship, and most of the time I feel like I can't tell if it's my fault because I'm negative and overreactive, or if it's his fault because he's unrealistic (or whatever) or if it's both of us. I'm hoping this program will help me be more confident in my feelings and responses so that I can be more assertive and can figure out why I'm so anxious with my husband. I hate feeling like the person I love the most is also the person that freaks me out.

theresa2008 · Post by **theresa2008** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 5:44 am

Awh Lucas,
Wouldnt it be awesome if we could change everyone else, lol
Unfortuntely, we cant, but we CAN change ourselves, and how we react to situations and people. Thats why i love this program so much!!
My husband was very controlling for years!!! And yes, it was easier to just give in! and Let him have his own way! I remember praying for years asking God to change HIM! Till one day God told him, I needed to change, and HE was right.
When you get to the assertive lesson, you will learn great things!! Like me, i didnt realize there is a huge difference between assertive,(getting your point across, in a firm but non angry mannner) and Aggressive (getting your point across by Yelling, screaming, threatening)
But there really is,, and being assertive, keeps your blood pressure down, but you have a firm point, without the common errors like You make me feel this way or that way. Just keep working your program,, and learning and Changing YOU!!!! Those who know and love you, will notice the changes your making in your life!!! Nelly:)

~~~madison~~~ · Post by **~~~madison~~~** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 6:14 am

I understand that the person you love the most can be some of the reason you have anxiety. I have a wonderful husband who does like to control me and thinks his way of thinking is the correct way and mind is wrong. I was in therapy years ago for this and made great progress. Now years later I see we have slipped back to a parent child relationship. It is my fault for letting this happen. I have been anxious about a lot of other things also and when this happens it is just easier to give in. I realize I let this happen and I have to change me. I cannot change him. When I start to change me and how I react to him everything improves. I am on session 6 and I am eager to get to self esteem. It's in my hands. I can change the situation and so can you. Keep moving forward. It will happen with hard work.

keithjoy · Post by **keithjoy** » Sat Mar 01, 2008 5:33 am

thank you everyone for your input. I even feel better knowing that I am not the only one who cannot be assertive and "turtle" as I like to call it. I so want to learn how to have my "ducks in a row" when I want to get my point across. I deal alot with the ex because we both love our children...but I also want to get my points across to him when something has come up. I do not want for him to make me feel "less than" with my points of view. Sorry it took me so long to get back to this sight..I have never been a great one to figure out message boards. I'm learning...I'm learning lol Be well everyone. Were in this together. Many hugs..Where...