Dear Faith2:
You don't have to beat yourself up for stopping the program or for anything else. The past is just that, the past - DONE. You have RIGHT NOW - HERE, TODAY. Every single one of us who has either recovered fr anxiety disorder, or is currently recovering - has had GROWTH SPURTS = set backs. That is just a part of the JOURNEY TO RECOVERY - it means we are HUMAN. You have the program & that is a great start.
I know how terrible anxiety disorder feels & how very hard RECOVERY is, I am 1 of many. When my anxiety disorder hit in APRIL - 2005, it came hard & fast, constant anxiety & panic attacks 24/7. I was informed, by my reg dr & subsequent psychiatrist, I was 1 of the worst cases they had seen. When mine triggered, it was after just having had surgery for the 1st time. There were SEVERAL KEY STEPS I TOOK:
1) Never having experienced any physical symptoms of anxiety disorder PRIOR - I had no clue WHAT THIS "THING" was. I had my surgery on a Fri - went home on Sat - & by that following Tues, my anxiety disorder WAS ON. By that Sat - I was in my reg dr's office. I somehow knew it wasn't physical(when you have surgery they do all sorts of tests b/4 hand) & I went to see my reg dr w/ a list of psychiatrists covered under my med insurance. She made a generic diagnosis of Anxiety Disorder. She also agreed w/ me, that I should visit a psychitrist. I still had no clue what "anxiety disorder meant".
2) I initiated therapy w/ my psychiatrist w/in 1 week of seeing my reg dr. After 3 initial sessions, I was diagnosed: anxiety disorder, panick attacks, & PTSD(for 3 diff things). I was like "WOW, HUH?" Afraid just would not justify what I was feeling & what my reaction was to his diagnosis - I didn't want to KNOW I WAS THAT BAD OFF - how SEVERE it was. It forced my hand & I was not able to work - a shock for me, being 37 yrs old at the time, I had been on my own since senior yr of hs & 10 yrs b/4 I got married. I was blessed, because my therapist had 30+ yrs experience & specialized in TRAUMA - which suited my background. After consultation w/ him, I made the decision to go on meds - never being so medicated that I was not able to feel: I just wanted to ease the severe symptoms I had so I could DO THE WORK NECESSARY. I was on an anxiety med 3 x's per day + 2 sleep aids: I was only getting 1-2 hrs sleep per 24 hr's.<span class="ev_code_RED">I am not necessarily saying THERAPY IS FOR EVERYONE OR THE WAY TO GO. I had no clue what to do, to be honest. Me going to therapy was instinctive - a gut feeling that is where I needed to be.</span>
3) Having initiated therapy, I turned it over to GOD. Now, I have a DEEP FAITH - not so much a RELIGION(though I am a practicing Catholic) - my faith never is or was SEASONAL. I didn't know what to do, was afraid of it all, & I sought out MY DAD=GOD. All my life, he has never forsaken me - he's guided me when I was clueless, lol. Again, cause I wasn't able to work - I went to 7:30a.m. mass EVERY SINGLE MORNING - for mths. Now, I am of the belief, WHEREEVER I AM - GOD IS: in the yard, the bathroom, the kitchen, he is there. However, <span class="ev_code_RED">you know how sometimes you can talk to your BEST FRIEND on the phone & other times, you need to be w/ her IN PERSON - so you visit her house? That is how I felt about God & church then.</span>I needed to go to God's house - the 1 place on earth, I felt closest to him & the 1 place I have always felt the safest. I'd stay for mass & wait for the church to empty out. I'd kneel, w/ arms outstretched(in humbled vulnerablity), & I let it all out. One time, I did THAT & said to God, "I am afraid, I don't want this to be my FOREVER - but I don't know what to do - I need you cause I can't do this on my own. God, I am WILLING - I am WILLING to do what you KNOW is best for me. I just ask you GUIDE ME, give me THE MEANS TO HELP ME HELP MYSELF - I will do it, I will feel whatever I need to - just be my strength when I get weak - pls let me know you hear me".<span class="ev_code_RED">Well, 1 time after mass finished I was AT THE ALTER PRAYING TO GOD & JESUS. Out of no where, this lady appeared - kind of like a PTA LOOKING MOM or something, lol. She said "tell me whats wrong my child - you look so hurt & afraid". Well, I didn't know who she was & if she was crazy, lol - but I just let it all out - & I told her all. She said "God wants you to continue to hand it all to him, give him your pain + worries + fears, let him carry them for you - he loves you & he hears you. This will not BE YOUR FOREVER." She started to walk away saying "I'll let you be alone. By the way, JESUS SENT ME"</span> Well, I was shocked - got goosebumps & quicker than quick, I got BACK DWN ON MY KNEES & cried in gratitude - GOD HEARD ME, HE ANS'D ME & GAVE ME A SENSE OF DIRECTION. You see, that day, when I gave it all to God - I opened up the deepest parts of my soul & spirit TO HIM - sure, making myself the most VULNERABLE - however, I told God I WAS WILLING: I was willing to feel the pain necessary for change & recovery to happen. I didn't ask God to MAKE IT GO AWAY - rather, I asked him to show me the way I need to go - the way He/God knows is best for me. Because of that, my entire BEING was open to him - as a result, he was MY GUIDE on this JOURNEY.
4) I initiated JOURNALING on my own. I come fr a traumatic background(fr childhood) - that included a cumulative amt of events that greatly contributed to my anxiety disorder. I was never in a position to THINK & FEEL. Rather, for me it was always LIVE & SURVIVE. I didn't want to remember - I suppressed yrsssss worth of things. So, journaling was a TOOL - it put me in a position to GET OUT what I was THINKING & FEELING = to admitt them(not run fr them as I had for long time) & to feel them. So this way, they were no longer suppressed & I TRAINED MYSELF to be able to face what I'm thinking & feeling.
4) I did research: I went to Barnes & Noble & read like 16 books on anxiety disorder. I wanted to understand this thing, I wanted to educate myself - I wanted to be PRO-ACTIVE & not RE-ACTIVE to my journey to recovery. I made a promise to God - "give me the means to help me help myself & I am willing to do what ever is necessary" - I meant that. God was holding up his end of the bargin
so, I was also holding up mine. I had never ever experienced such cumulative life inhibiting/living fear as I did back then: it scared me & I didn't like it. I was OK w/ fear as a whole - it human, but for it to inhibit me/restrict me & as a result, make me totally DEPENDANT on my husband - I WAS NOT HAPPY W/ THE QUALITY OF LIFE I HAD then. That was not the WOMAN i ever was & nor was it the WOMAN I WANTED TO BE. I fought like HELL - against this thing. I made an analogy to my therapist in the beginning, anxiety disorder, FOR ME, feels like 2 things:
a) being in the pits of hell, having Satan looking at you in the eye & grinning/laughing - yet HAVING THE COURAGE TO WALK AWAY - saying "no I am a child of God" & fight it.
b) you know how you leave your house in the morning for work or school - block is kind of empty. Well, I leave the house - closing the house door w/ my right hand, w/ my back facing the door/house & my chest facing the street - @ THAT VERY MOMENT - I am the only 1 on earth that exists. Sounds strange - but that is what anxiety disorder @ its worst, made me feel.
5) Week by week, I journaled & got it all out. This aided me w/ therapy as I was FACING MY PAST. Every gut wrenching week, I went & never missed 1 session. God gave me the means & I was gonna utilize it. It didn't make it easier - I just felt ASSURED - cause God let me know THIS WASN'T MY FOREVER. Facing my past in therapy - afforded me the ability to make a very needed SEPARATION: the woman I am VS the child & victim I was. You see, it was all so cumulative & emotions suppressed - I BECAME THE PAST - an existence I was living. There was no distinction. Instead of being the woman Lenore, I was the SUM TOTAL of all the events I had experienced & all the pain/fear/resentment that they MADE ME FEEL. As a result, I assumed THIS WAS ME=a state of being/existence(prior to therapy) & THIS WAS MY LIFE. Having felt & addressed the past - I was able to SEE I am LENORE the woman, who had some THINGS ABOUT HER that NEEDED TO CHANGE. Yes, the events of yrs gone by left their mark on me & some hurtful feelings, no denying that. However, as the woman I am - I didn't like how ME HOLDING ON TO THESE FEELINGS made me feel + the personality traits I created as a result of hold on to them & experiencing these things. I was gradually able to get to a point that BLAME BELONGED TO NO ONE - which was like Jesus coming here & moving a mountain, let me tell you, hahahha. It was no longer important to me that I WAS RIGHT OR HAD TO BE - I simply wanted to feel better & as the woman I am, it was my responsibilty to do whatever was necessary to make that happen. Having gone thru 20 mths of intensive therapy, in Nov-2006, I PURCHASED & STARTED LUCINDA'S PROGRAM. <span class="ev_code_RED">I was finally ready to FACE & CHANGE MYSELF.</span>
6) I started the program in Nov - 2006. I did each week for 2weeks per. I was DETERMINED - I was FOCUSED - RECOVERY WAS MY PRIORITY & there was nothing that was gonna get in the way. I didn't like how it felt, I was willing to change so I didn't have to feel the worst of anxiety disorder for the rest of my life, & there was nothing that was gonna get in my way of recovery. You see, I WANTED IT THAT BAD - I wanted recovery so bad, I used to joke I CAN TASTE IT. I completed Lucinda's program in March-2007: I AM CURRENTLY GOING THRU IT A 2ND TIME. <span class="ev_code_RED">As of right now, I am recovered - YEP ME. I haven't taken sleep aids in 1 1/2 + yrs. In addition, I haven't taken an anxiety med since DEC-2006.</span>
7) During the entire time, of therapy & this program, I participated in THE FORUMS & CHAT. The biggest thing the FORUM & CHAT did for me was allowing me to know I WASN'T ALONE - so that I felt safe going to the places I needed to go, but didn't want to = facing my fears. If I ever had a serious ques about meds, though, I made sure to ask: dr, therapist, or pharmacist - being they are the ones who are better suited to help me. There was a careful balance w/ both: I made sure not to become so enveloped in forum & chat, that I neglected my therapy work & the program. Meaning, I wasn't on them 24/7 - there were times, many to be honest - that I deliberately stepped away TO DO HOMEWORK/SELF WORK - even when there were times I didn't want to. Doing this also allowed ME TO BECOME MY OWN SAFE PERSON - cause it was ME that brought me to RECOVERY'S DOOR. It also allowed me to GET BACK INTO LIFE again - so that MY COMPUTER didn't become A CRUTCH to me.
Lord, I know I can talk a lot(
ok y'all, you can say it too lollololol - I luv y'all anyways, lol)I just feel so passionately about anxiety disorder & depress - I want to spread the word if you will - to GIVE BACK.
There is not a person alive, who has ever experienced anxiety disorder & recovered - who will tell you it is easy - cause it is not: its hard, slow, methodical. This is so not to frighten you sweetie - but to be an emotional compass for you. To let you know you're going in the right direction, to NOT GIVE UP OR GIVE IN - cause you are so worth more than that. This isn't your forever either. You have the power w/in - you do.
The physical symptoms & Anxiety disorder for me may not have triggered until Apr-2005. However, looking back I can remember the personality traits as Lucinda describes them - as far back as 5 yrs old. That is a long time to be living like that. You know, once I understood it: therapy, the research & program - I had a moment that I shared w/ my therapist, "you know - there was an existence I was living all my life, prior to anxiety disorder being triggered, that I assumed was me & my life. That "EXISTENCE" was the sum total of : the unresolved & surpressed anger/pain/fear + the unhealthy personality traits I created + living in a constant state of BEING THE VICTIM. It was thru LEARNING/GROWING/CHANGING/EVOLVING via therapy & the program, that I was able to see THAT WAS A LIE - that anxiety & depress created. I was given a 2nd chance at life again - via therapy & the program - I was almost BORN AGAIN - in a way that I was clearly able to see & literally say "omg I don't have to live that way & be that way" - that wasn't the TRUTH - it is not MY FOREVER." You see, once that light bulb went off - I knew I was on my way.
Anxiety in & of itself is a HUMAN EMOTION - we can't ever get rid of that. We can change those parts of our personality traits that created the anxiety disorder: neg thinking, over-reactive ways - so we are not AFRAID of anxiety & as a result, it doesn't inhibit us & we can live. Not everyone has my background - we all come fr someplace different. So, our personal issues will also be different. However, the TOOLS & SKILLS are UNIVERSAL: THEY DO WORK. It can be very easy to fall prey to the lies anxiety disorder tells - fight them=confront them, don't believe them. It may be hard - but make recovery & anything + all it entails, your priority - NO MATTER WHAT. I am 1 of many who can tell you w/ absolute certainty, THE EXISTENCE ANXIETY DISORDER GIVES YOU IS A LIE - none of it was true. Thru working therapy, the program, being willing to : face the fear + feel it & do it anyway, & CHANGING - I am living a way I didn't think possible. I am beginning to feel the inner peace I always wanted, but was not at arms reach.
Your journey to recovery is your own - you need to take it: you need to do the work necessary. However, God has given you EARTH'S ANGELS = friends on earth w/o the wings to let you know you are not alone. Pls Pls remember, THIS IS NOT YOUR FOREVER EITHER.
God Bless,
Lenore
