Unresolved Grief and Fear of Death

cole2458 · Post by **cole2458** » Tue Jan 22, 2008 7:35 am

I've been doing the program and seeing a therapist for a long time now. My panic attacks and agoraphobia started within a month of my step-father's mother's death. We were very close and she died very suddenly and unexpectedly. It was very traumatic and I never dealt with it. That was 5 years ago. Since then, I've also lost about 5 more close relatives and a very close friend. My father, who was adopted, had been looking for his birth mother, and discovered she died a few years ago too. I've never really dealt with any of these deaths and my emotions surrounding them. It just hurts TOO MUCH. Whenever I even remember something happy that we did together, I get very upset and have panic attacks. Because most of the deaths were sudden, my ultimate scary thought is that more people I am close to will suddenly die. I have extreme seperation anxiety from my mom (i don't leave the house without her) and I am constantly afraid that she's just going to drop dead despite her being a average-healthy person and only 44 years old. I've become obsessed with what I say to people because I'm afraid it will be the last thing I ever say to them. I'm only 18-I shouldn't be thinking of this stuff until I'm at least 70!

My mom and therapist have suggested that I see a grief counselor, but I just can't wrap my head around it. Already it's hard for me to leave the house, but it's even harder when I have to go somewhere where I know I'll have to talk about this stuff, because I feel like I don't want to. But on the other hand, I really think that all this unresolved grief and fear of death is what's really holding me back and keeping me stuck in the anxiety cycle.

Any advice? How did you deal with loss? How do you deal with people who think you should just get over it/yourself?

Please don't tell me we all have to die someday. I get that. And it makes me nauseous, so please be sensitive

Gman5256 · Post by **Gman5256** » Tue Jan 22, 2008 7:52 am

by all means go get help ! I lost my sister , in 04 and i still hurt so much from it . she was killed in a car accident , and man i feel very alone . But i do talk about it and i DO still cry about it . death isn't something you just get over , you never really ever get over it , you just continue to go on and try to remember the good times you has when they were alive , and be very greatful we had them for the time they were here, and believe that someday you will be together again.

But do go get help , it does bring out all the hurt , but you will feel so much better after you go through the emotional trama .

If i can help out anymore please feel free to let me know , death is so hard but unfortunatley a fact of life .

Mom of 6 · Post by **Mom of 6** » Tue Jan 22, 2008 8:04 am

Hi Cole,
I am not going to be insensitive this I can promise you honey, I don't really have any good advice to give you except to tell you, that you are not alone. I am a 45 year old woman and I have alot of the same issues as you do. I lost my Dad suddenly as well and that is when my panic and anxiety started so I do understand. I also don't know how to deal with it b/c whenever I try all the feelings that come up produce panic and severe anxiety so I shove the down again. I hope by answering you I haven't discouraged you at all I just wanted you to know that you are not alone honey and if you ever need to talk you can pm me anytime. I will keep you in my prayers.
God bless you
Mimi

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jan 22, 2008 8:30 am

I feel for you, and know how you feel. 2001 there are was 7 deaths in my family. Few years later another 4. I thought I was going insane literally. I have moved from an highrise because I could not handle it any more. It was not the highrise that was doing it. It was the mix of panic and greaving. Out of all the relatives that had passed away, the closes ones was my mom, brother and sister. My brother and sister passed away 20 hours apart and younger siblings. These where the people I have confided in the most.

Greaving with panic attacks is very hard to deal with, but not impossible. With me I just put it in perspective. I thought to myself would they want to see me happy? the answer to that is yes. Even though they have passed from this life, I still beleave they are alive just in another existance, in my heart they are still there. More so over I can still hear the things my mom would be telling me right about now. What she comes out with usually a good laugh.

I would say yes to seeing a cousellor if that is what you need. They can help you in ways that you may not think of. Dealing with such pain is very hard. If I where to make a suggestion is allow it to happen. Someone said to me one day when you are feeling these feelings what is the worse that can happen? I thought that was a very good question. I have thought nothing worse can happen.

Death is the fact of life. It will be our turn one day. Question is can we do anything about it? As far as the people tell you to get over it, they may not understand. Greaving is a powerful emotion. Everyone greaves at one time or another. Each individual greaves in thier own time in thier own way. Some or very emotional, some may not be all that emotional. There are thousands of views and ways. Greaving is very part and natural way of dealing with a lost.

All of us has to adjust to change when it happens. I would say of course right now it is ok to feel kind of sensitive. You will be ok, one day you will be happy again. There are people around us that will help us through such difficult times.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jan 22, 2008 8:52 am

Hi! I am not trying to insensitive at all but life is to short to worry each day about when and who is going to die next. As Lucenda says you need to live in the present moment. You can't change the past but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future. Yes, death is very scarry. I lost my dad suddenly when I was 17. I know what it's like to lose someone close to you. But you have to remember that they would not want you living your life greiving all the time. They would want you to live you life to the fullest. And as far as worrying about who is going to die next you could be worrying a lifetime. You can't live like that you will be misserable. You have got to put a smile on your face and just thank God everyday you have life and you wake up to put two feet on the floor. Just remeber God has a plan for all of us and he does not want us to worry about what that plan might be. He put you and on this earth for a reason and things happen for a reason. You definilty need to talk to someone. Get Help it will only make you feel better and make you realize things aren't as bad as they seem. I hope this isn't to harse but it took someone saying these same things to me for me to snap out of it and enjoy each an every moment of life. I hope you feel better and god bless.