WOW~ that is tough. I have read and heard many grandparents are raising their grandchildren. My friend is not in a 24/7 situation, but does A LOT!
Not sure how old your daughter is, but as the mother I think she needs to step up and take responsibility for her choice of not only having the baby which I praise her for, but she also need to stand up and mother HER baby! It does not sound as if she understands the responsibility of raising a baby. Maybe she was not ready to be a parent? A child having a child? An adult that is just not ready to be a parent? A mother that received no assistance from the babys father?
Talk to her. Ask her. Maybe if she in not ready (or willing to) be a parent, it may be time to put the best interest, safety and long term happiness and future of your grandchild first. I have friends that are teachers and teacher aides and cannot tell you all the sad stories I have heard about kids with single parents that work 3-4 jobs to have food on the table, pay the rent, buy clothing, etc. There are also some parent(s) that do not care for the kids because they do not even know how, some parents concerned with "partying", some do not have the skills or motivation to be a parent...the reasons are many. In the end, these kids are the ones that get the short end of the stick. Kids can have have many different issues because the parents are not involved in their lives for various legitimate reasons and some are just irresponsible reasons. One friend assisting in a classroom had a chair thrown at them by the student. This student is only 12, mom works 3 jobs to pay rent, put food on the table. She is NEVER around, there is NO father, no other family that is able to help. the kids has no stability, no one at home to confide in, no one that is there to love them. The kid is acting out for attention...negative attention is better then no attention. Mom needed to leave her job and go to the school. She does not know what to do anymore. The boys father has no part in this childs life. Breaks my heart. The stories are so various and endless. Not that I am saying any other situation would be perfect, but I guess what I am trying to say is that there are MANY people like me that SO want children and cannot understand how things like this happen when there are options out there where for social services, counseling for the child or even parenting classes, church assistance, subsidized child care, counseling and many other services that are available for FREE that many of these parents refuse do to pride or shame. The 14 year old that rebels, has a horrible home life and gets pregnant. The kid at school throwing the chair. The mother that does not acknowledge their child, well until it seems convenient for her. Maybe tell her that if she cannot get it together and start to act like a mother and tend to HER child like a mother should, that maybe she should consider her child's psychological well being, their future and chances at a stable, loving life... to not be selfish and relinquish her parental rights to someone that wants to be a parent. Scare her! Maybe it will wake her up! She is SO very very fortunate to have a child, that child is a gift! I also am not saying that any other person would be a perfect parent or that your daughter is bad. But that child deserves to have their needs met by their mother...to be wanted, to FEEL wanted by their mother, to feel a mothers love, that closeness, to have that mother feed them, bathe them, cuddle them, read to them, make them a meal... A CHILD NEEDS THIS. A child feels this, sees this, looks for acceptance and love from mom. The situation is what it is though. We all need to work with what hand we were given. You and your husband are willing to do what you can, but you stated you are tired of it. I can imagine you would be. My mom is 61, still works and has a home to upkeep. I cannot see her taking care of a child full time. It IS too much.
I see my friend watch her grandkids (2, both under 4 years old) 2-3 times during the weekday plus any other time (evenings or weekends) when her son and his wife want to go out, take a vacation, do bowling leagues, ****tails, dinner, etc, etc. She spends some days, nights, weekends at their home watching their kids, works a job and commutes there which is 2 hours round trip 2-3 times per week depending on her babysitting requirements, has her own home, husband, plus her ill elderly mother to care for. She cooks meals for her son, wife and kids (breakfast is she is there, packs their lunches and starts dinner, does laundry, light cleaning, etc, etc. She is a maid and nanny! These kids do not see how much work this is because they have never had to do all this themselves! They have a cleaning lady that pretty much does everything and a nanny on days my friend is not there. It is like they live the single life. The son and daughter say they work SO hard and need a break! Uh, WAKE UP! YOU HAVE KIDS! Your break of living like most 20 somethings was over when that child came into the world! Your days of running around 2-4 times a week in a singledom type life coming home at midnight are DONE! Romantic dinners alone and weekend getaways alone as often as they take are done. Nights out dancing, having ****tails, etc, etc are done. How about what YOUR kids need?
You have a family now and sure fun is not over but realize that your mom (and you father) have a life outside of caring for your kids! The kids NEED their parents! If you wanted to run around and have fun, you should have thought about that BEFORE having a family. I see my friend tired from this. I so feel for her! She also went through breast cancer, both breasts were removed and does all this!
I can see she she is dog tired, the kids do not. It is clearly in her eyes, in her face, you can see it! My husband has seen it too! If I saw my mother THAT drained, I mean it is SO easy to see! You would have to be blind or so self absorbed not to see it! I also am not saying that people (parents) do not need a break and a night out. I see what these kids do, the frequency of their excursions and clearly they are taking advantage of her and NOT tending to the children they brought into the world. Going out and having time alone seem the most high on their priority list. They do have a nanny there when my friend has to work, but cannot afford her full time. My friend said her kid said...they need to work "a lot" to pay the bills (4000sq foot home plus 2 European imports) and need to get a break from it all. They are not around for their kids though! Also when did their debt and their need to work to maintain an expensive lifestyle become her problem and need to give up her life? She is NOT the type to refuse, so each and every week, there she is getting drained. It is her only kid, she wants to help. I wish her son would see this and help his mom, be there for his kids. I am not saying that her son and wife do not love their kids, the do in word and sentiment. It reminds me of that Cat Stevens song, Cats and the Cradle, parent too busy to parent their son...then son too busy to care for parent. It gets to the point that her son and wife cannot even hang pictures up on a Saturday afternoon unless they have his mom or the nanny there, then they need "something" from the store and disappear for hours
. They do not abuse the kids, but just are not there for the kids. Not sure WHY this happens, but it breaks my heart. My friend and the nanny both are raising these kids.
I also have friends that never had children because they are too selfish as they put it to care for something that is that needy. Hey, at least they are honest about it, I can appreciate that. My sister and her husband like their lifestyle and ability to do what they want, they SEE this and do not have kids.
Maybe your daughter needs to prioritize her life and take a look to see what is really important to her child FIRST, THEN her. When there is a child in the picture her needs will come last. With my step daughter, my dreams and wants (as well as my husbands) have either been given up on, passed up to never again be available or are on the backburner until we get her through her college. It is about her now, she needs us. It was a physical, mental, emotional and financial commitment my husband, then I signed up for...physical, mental, emotional for life, she will be own her financial own in a little over a year. It is much more than my husband or I ever could imagine! The ups, the struggles, the cringing, the hopes, the wishes for her....
It is hard, but so worth it when your child writes you a letter thanking you for being "awesome parents". (that was a surprise!) All we have stressed to her is that we are there for her...and we have been because we made that commitment to her. We try our best and that is all we can do. Did we do everything right? I do not know, probably not but our intentions were always keeping her first and foremost, her feelings, to protect her, not use her as a pawn or excuse and not dragging her through stuff with her mom, courts, etc. With that, my husband did not see his daughter for 2 years. He paid child support ALWAYS and never took her to court due to her behavior. He wanted to see his daughter SO very bad and missed her, but wanted to protect her from her mom yelling and picking a fight every time we would pick her up. Now we visit her at college and her mom incessantly text messages/calls her the entire time we are there(out of jealously because we did drive to visit her and to control/interrupt our visit per my step daughter). Her mom refuses to drive that far and will not take a train (no smoke breaks) so she makes her daughters weekend with us stressful for her daughter.
Her mom doing that does nothing to get me or my husband upset or angry. She is hurting her daughter with her selfish behavior though. Her mom is making her and her daughters connection/life stressed. My step daughter is heart broken over the way her mom is and says she loves her mom the woman that gave her life, but does not love her mom for who her mom is/the way she is and treats people(She drive people away).
She has pushed her own daughter away ALL on her own doing.
My step daughter see this, her moms sister sees this and has talked to my husband about it. Nothing can be done though.
I hope your daughter sees that her childs needs are first and foremost regardless what she has going on. Her decisions need to be to benefit her child. To get home after school or work and spend time, feed that child, cuddle that child, read a story, take that child on a walk to the park not only on weekends, but always. Having a child is not an optional responsibility or when she feels like it. It is a full time responsibility that she has left for you and your husband. This is not a puppy or kitten! It is a responsibility SHE chose to take by getting pregnant, by chosing to keep the child and raise it, so therefore she must start to take that responsibility by acting like a mother! Maybe the hospital or county has parenting classes to demonstrate to your daughter what needs to be done. If you kick her out there is NO promise that she will step up. Sounds like she is in no hurry to leave your home, she has it made. Built in FREE babysitter at her disposal, you probably financially support them both, no? I would not want to leave either! You hate to wonder if she would care for the baby, I would wonder too. Oh this is so hard. But if you cannot take care of the child and your daughter cannot, maybe giving the baby up for an open adoption may be best. I do not know.
I am only a woman that has never been able to have her own children that would LOVE to raise a child. It just burns me up that there are kids out there that need their parent(s) and those parents do not see the wonderful gift that the have been given. I wish you luck.
What a story. I'm so glad for your reply.