Problem with self love

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jan 14, 2008 1:48 am

This is a great topic - ty LOST BUT LOOKIN:

When anxiety disorder triggered in Apr-2005, I immediately took action. I started therapy for the 1st time in my 39yrs w/ a psychiatrist. After starting therapy, on my own, I initiated JOURNALING(to get myself to a place where I could acknowledge/admitt/address/feel/deal w/ a variety of different things). It was when I was able to UNBURDEN myself of various emotions via therapy(20 mths of intense therapy), that I was finally able to see something that startled me & HURT ME: for yrs - many many yrs, I had gone above & beyond giving to others, doing for others, finding a way to MAKE IT HAPPEN for others, putting their needs b/4 my own - forsaking myself - for so long, for me - it became a way of life. I WAS ALWAYS THE 1 THAT HAD "THE ANS" to all of their life's WOES. I was always the one who lent the shoulder to cry on - heck, I cried w/ them & carried their pains as my own. I gave my heart, soul, love, & friendship out to others. You name it, I've done it for them - & to the extreme. As a result, these various people began to EXPECT IT or ASSUME IT of me. Then, when I needed something or help, etc - it seemed folks RAN FOR THE HILLS, lol - literally. Realizing this in therapy HURT MY HEART. I realized, I didn't love me & had no clue HOW TO. I was quite insecure - very much so.

In therapy, I had faced "my father leaving us when I was 5 & never to be seen again + "my mother literally abandoning me". A stranger raised me & I've been on my own since high school(cause this person passed away in my sr yr of hs), w/ no family offering to help me. I remember asking my therapist - crying & shaking, "how do I learn to love myself when neither of my parents loved me?" "How do I find security in self, when I never had it all my life?" I had shed the skins of pain/anger/fear of past events & I had to learn to love me!

Now, when I mention these things to y'all, it is to attempt to convey(in my particular case) what I realized: w/ said facts, no wonder I never learned to love myself & have security of self - I was never given it, nor had I ever learned it. I was frightened beyond when anxiety disorder triggered - it forced my hand & I couldn't work. Yes, I initiated therapy & started journaling. I went back to every therapy session - every week(I never missed 1 session)in spite of the absolute worst pain a single person could feel - honest. I educated myself on anxiety disorder & depress, by reading 16 books. I then was ready to face myself & it was then, I PURCHASED & DID LUCINDA'S PROGRAM. I didn't like the HELL anxiety disorder was making me feel. I didn't like - PISSED ME OFF to be honest - that I was living in absolute FEAR - every moment of every day. Why? what I FELT BACK THEN - was THIS IS NOT HOW I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE - this is not the woman I want to be. So, I fought like hell every single step of the way - I was determined w/ every single oz of my being - to heal/recover fr this "thing" that had befallen me.

1 day in session, my therapist(who was able to see a part of me - that I was blinded to) asked me "you are smart, strong willed, determined - sure. Why do you fight to recover - why are you doing it - why do you even care?". He was using reverse psychology on me, lol. As a 37 yr old women in body - I cried so hard & I said, "cause I deserve it - I am entitled to it to it damnit. I deserve life, love, health, happiness, peace - I don't want this pain anymore & I am a damn good woman". Well, lol, he was smiling so brightly after I said that - I didn't understand why immediately & it got me angry, lol.

I continued to recover, fight like hell, was WILLING to change & I was evolving - I was doing everything in my power. THEN IT HIT ME: because of my background & relative facts, a part of me didn't think I was entitled to love or worthly of it. Yet, & inspite of that, I fought. Why? Every single courageous step I took on my journey to recovery - was a testment to something deep inside of myself that said I AM WORTH IT - I had done every single thing humanly possible TO RECOVER. I was learning to love me. I just didn't see it then. For the 1st time in my life, I was putting ME 1ST!! You see, I realized I never would have gone to such lengths to recover, if I DIDN'T THINK IN MY HEART & BY ME, THAT I WAS WORTH IT.

Learning to love myself, for me, came in various forms: the road to recovery itself & all relative steps involved, facing myself & changing those parts of me that create the anxiety disorder - so that I can live the best life possible, learning compassion for myself, being my best friend, eating healthier, exercising & losing weight(since June-2007, I've lost 45.2 lbs thus far), pampering myself(a bubble bath maybe, a new perfume), making long held dreams a reality(I've gotten literature in the mail fr 2 diff college's - & hubby & I are planning for me to go back to college this year to go for my Bachelor's in Accounting: I have an Associate's/2 yr degree already), surrounding myself w/ great/possible people & friends - w/ the courage to make new friends, my husband & extended family, learning to relax & knowing it is healthy: I don't always have to be busy anymore - I'm not running fr facts - I am not a prisoner to them - for I have faced them, laughing fr my belly - till it hurts & meaning it, hearing THAT SONG on the radio - even when no one is home & dancing like a fool - having fun, lol, my faith: like Carolyn says in the program - I don't have a religion as much of as I have a FAITH: God/Jesus/Blessed Mother Mary ARE MY FAMILY - food my my soul - no matter where I am or where I go - they will always be there, learning to have a more positive outlook OVERALL, & being a part of life - cause I know I am worth it + I am entitled.

You know, as hard as it was to ARRIVE AT: there were events that the child I was went thru that are horrible - its the past & it was never my fault, there are many things I can't change, but I can give myself the life I deserve by loving myself & making these things happen.

LENORE

You know that Martina Mcbride song, I HOPE YOU DANCE? Well, there is a portion of that beautiful song I love - is my compass:

"Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens

Promise me you'll give fate a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance, I hope you dance"

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jan 14, 2008 2:17 am

I just started the program 2 weeks ago, and I was really nervous about doing the peer support group. I felt like I was the only person around who felt this way--and everyone around me was having a happy normal life!

I have a problem with self-loathing. Any help anyone can give with positive though replacement would be great! Sometimes the negative voice seems so strong.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jan 14, 2008 6:17 pm

i have a really hard time with self love as well, i have two issues that are such huge negatives that i can never get over and ive been trying so hard for about 4 years, i have a really hard time telling myself the positives because i dont believe in them at all.. i hate my huge nose and my small butt.. i dont take compliments well and if someones ever does compliment me i tell them not to ever again.. its gotten to the point where other people tell others not to compliment me because i dont take it well.. i always down myself and im a perfectionist which nothing i ever do is ever good enough for myself and i have a hard time accepting that i did the best i could.. if anyone has tips for self love let me know! thanks

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jan 15, 2008 7:41 am

Maybe deserving happiness isn't the issue. Maybe it is less about what we have done and more about what we are doing now or plan for the future. Maybe we should decide we are going to be happy and positive inspite of our shortcomings.

I decided to be more happy and positive because I like it better than being depressed and negative. If we want to be happy and positive, we should just do it without question. The program tells us how, we just have to do it.

Steve

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jan 15, 2008 8:11 am

hi i just started my second session my anxiety is doing litter better but i'm feeling a little depressed a word of advise would help

manofmusic · Post by **manofmusic** » Tue Jan 15, 2008 12:39 pm

Carmelita, I know what you mean...a week or so ago I posted "the anxiety is gone but Oh the depression"(something to that effect) If you will, read it! and read what Lenore commented...She is full of knowledge and inspiration..That very post helped me out tremendously!!!! I don't remember what date I posted it on, but if you go to my profile, you can find my "most recent posts"...Hope it helps you as it helped me
Take care, be strong
Robin

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 7:06 pm

hello to all,
I have discovered a GREAT woman named Louis Hay who has written several books about healing yourself. Her theory is that every illness or dis-ease (as she puts it) can be healed once you truly love and approve of yourself. Her positive affirmation is "I love and approve of myself". Her book "You Can Heal your Life" has been an amazing inspiration to me. I hope some of you can find it helpful as well.

Ms. Hopeful · Post by **Ms. Hopeful** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 11:38 pm

I think us anxiety folks struggle with this issue often. From my experience the only way to gain self love is thru positive talk and moving forward thru your fears. Achieving the things you didn't think you could goes a long way in realizing you are worth it. Because no matter how good or bad you do, you tried. And the positive self talk helps you get thru the tough times. It's also realizing the little accomplishments on a daily basis, and realizing that the past is just that. Like working on the program or getting out of bed in the morning! Snauzersmom on this forum recommended a great book to me, Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning. It's very good

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 17, 2008 5:45 pm

i think sometimes when we feel unworthy, crappy about ourselves, down, sad, not deserving a compliment, scared of life, of changing, of succeeding, of any and everything we just have to take a step back and think
...IS THIS REALLY HOW I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE??? when i'm feeling at my worst i try to remind myself that this is not how i want to be, this is not what i deserve, this is something i can overcome. sometimes i feel like maybe it's hopeless, that i wont change, that ive been this way soo long it's pointless to try, but then i snap out of that and maybe the tears at hand and say NO - I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS DEFEATEST ATTITUDE!!!! it's really got a lot to do with positive thinking, with believing in yourself. it's hard, it takes time, and i'm working on it. somedays are better than others. i think we all have to have a picture in our minds where we want to be, where we deserve to be...and keep reminding ourselves of it. every day!!!!