GAD, Marriage, new member

tina martin · Post by **tina martin** » Sun Jan 16, 2011 5:36 am

Want to say how I admire you for staying to help your daughter. This seems to be an old fashioned, passe reason for hanging in there. Not in my book. Today people are generally so centered on themself that even children count for very little.

I made concessions for my children and would to it all over again. When I depart this life, there will be a big smile on my face for this very reason. Hurray for you, Dakereb.

SoWhatif · Post by **SoWhatif** » Sun Jan 16, 2011 5:36 am

Why are you the one to leave? She is the one making the rules?
For what it is worth I believe your passiveness is causeing you much of your issues.

Find yourself a unbiased female counsler.
Dude this is not the old days. She is controlling you and you need to understand and see it.

Dakereb · Post by **Dakereb** » Sun Jan 16, 2011 4:34 pm

Thanks Tina. My daughter deserves all I can give her. She did not ask to be born into this. I am morally obligated to give her as good of a start in life that I can. And I want to set an example to show her that you do not run from difficult situations.

Whatif, ultimately I make the rules for my life. Everything is a compromise. I have to weigh the pros and cons and the decide. The situation changes as time goes on, with the kids becoming more independent. If my wife is controlling me it is because I allow it. I do allow it for the time being because my work here is not yet done.

But this anxiety over the worry of the day, whatever it may be today, has contributed greatly to my situation.

tina martin · Post by **tina martin** » Mon Jan 17, 2011 12:44 am

Dakereb, you make my heart leap with "moral obligation" and not running from a difficult situation, as is commonplace, one way or another.

I am big on using the old bean (the head) to figure out the root of issues such as anxiety, for example, digging up those roots and putting them out for trash pickup (joking). Maybe the program can help you in that direction.

Dakereb · Post by **Dakereb** » Mon Jan 17, 2011 5:38 am

Thanks again, Tina. I think about my options, and I ask myself: Who do I want to be?" I take the responsibilities that I signed on for when we had kids very seriously. I wanted to be a father, and I can't walk away from that now. So I will keep things together until my daughter is mature enough to understand.

Right now, although she is 18, she is not yet mature enough. She has always been a difficult kid, and 18 is not a good age for difficult kids. I really need to be at home, to give guidance and to just be a presence in the home.

At some point, however, I also need to show her that she should not sacrifice her life for someone else if that person does not reciprocate. She is rather self-centered, and does not see the imbalance in her parents marriage. If things do not change between my wife and me, I will have to leave, and I will explain it to her. I will not blame my wife or degrade or disrespect my wife, just explain that there are some personalities that do not go well together. And I will explain to her that OCD, which she has, will be a burden on her future spouse, so she must be very honest about it before she gets married. Right now she has no boyfriend.

I have been to a female counselor, and her advice is to move out of the bedroom, if not the house. She pointed out that my wife has everything the way she wants it, with no consequences from me. We also covered the fact that my wife is profoundly insecure, due to how she was treated when she was a kid. Her mother was, and still is, unbelievably overbearing, and routinely used comparisons of her to other kids to while she was growing up. So-and-so's daughter did this or that, got into such-and-such school, married well, got a job as CEO right out of college, that sort of thing. With all that, it's a wonder my wife is not in an institution. It has really hurt our marriage because my wife would always take things I may say as an insult or attack. For instance, if I ask if a certain shirt is clean, she'd consider it a snide remark about her inability to keep up with the laundry. I was on eggshells for a long time, until one day I just blew up and told her "I am not evil!" That was a turning point, but even now she has a hard time with self-esteem.

Well, like I said, it's been a long journey. I am just hitting the high points. Thanks for reading.

Paisleegreen · Post by **Paisleegreen** » Mon Jan 17, 2011 6:32 am

Hi Dakereb--Welcome! I'm sort of going through what you are experiencing, but very different. LOL!

I have been married for a long time and experienced many good and bad things shared w/ my husband, who I usually refer to DH Dear Husband or DD Dear Daughter, codes from being part of an organizing forum years ago, faster to type.

I'm leaning more towards your decision to stay with your wife for now and be there for your DD. I agree w/ Tina as well.

I have my story here and to recite it would take too long. The jest of it is that for now I suffer from GAD according to my new Psychologist. Which has been brought on by some very traumatic events in my life.

But to start out with, on behalf of your DW, if her mother was treating her like that while she grew up I can understand completely. My mother was always comparing us kids against each other, in a way, other people's kids. My mother, I know was compared to her twin sister while growing up so she had a lot of issues to deal with and she worked hard to make herself feel better by excelling in academics and expectations from her children.

She wasn't too extreme, but she wasn't able to show her love through affection. Although, I didn't like to be touched or hugged...that much either. I think part of it is sensitivity, I never liked heavy blankets on me, and always ran barefoot if I could. Then there's the texture of cooked cereal I didn't like and things like that. Anyway, I'm sidetracking here, maybe, all I do know is we all have anxiety from our genetic make-up and environmental reasons.

So I can see why your wife would be sensitive to certain things said to her, but then, if she feels secure with you maybe the question wouldn't be distressing to her. And if she didn't have good coping skills to ward off offending remarks then she is going to react negatively to something a person says "off the cuff" or was not meant to offend.

All I can say is hang in there for now, that is what I'm doing as I work on myself. I've had to give and take my husband's quirks and anxieties all through our marriage. It isn't easy, but we both have the same values system and faith in God. Some days one is better at one thing then the other. But that is what marriage is all about, sometimes one spouse is on a higher plane, than the other and must wait patiently while the other spouse learns.

It really is give and take, and unless things are absolutely bad as far as mental and physical abuse, then it won't hurt for a just a little bit longer to stay together to figure it out. Unless, infidelity, is a constant problem, which it doesn't sound that way to in your case.

As far as sex goes, women are different than men, medication can affect intimacy, bad feelings towards each other, hormones, etc.
I, for one, am doing a lot better since I'm not on anti-depressants. But I've always loved my husband, but didn't always want to be with him each and every night. That's just part of married life that has to be figured out.

Keep posting...we're here for you.

Paislee

Dakereb · Post by **Dakereb** » Mon Jan 17, 2011 4:40 pm

I think our situation is a bit different. Sex stopped well over 10 years ago. With encouragement from the therapist my wife gave it a try, but she really did not want to and the forced, unnatural feel was not worth it. But yes, neither of us have ever had an affair. Yet!

tina martin · Post by **tina martin** » Tue Jan 18, 2011 1:27 am

What can we say when we observe and contemplate what this culture makes of sex? Completely ignored is that all lower animals engage in it, that it is nature's indifferent imperative to reproduce, that it can cause terrible, terrible suffering, that it is hardly (necessarily) any indicator of love. Yet we make some sort of goddess out of it.

Your counselor's advice to move out of the bedroom makes sense. That will give you freedom and autonomy to decide what you want. If you want an affair, so be it. Just be open about it. The big concern with an affair is the secrecy and possible hurt to the other person. That is not likely to be the case here.

Dakereb · Post by **Dakereb** » Tue Jan 18, 2011 2:37 am

Actually, I do not want an affair. I would have had one years ago if that's what I really wanted. What I want is to have my marriage be a real marriage. But that will never be, and i am just frustrated. Anyway, I am a father first, and as such, am a role model. Affairs don't fit that, or my sense of self.

SoWhatif · Post by **SoWhatif** » Tue Jan 18, 2011 4:14 am

Do you really and honestly believe your 18 yr old does not know. I am sorry to say the yes two can be togeather and lead togeather while living seperate lives. Do not think for a second that it is not germinating, and growing the SAME disfunction to and in the kids.
Dakereb I feel your just decieveing yourself and your child rather than confront what you have stated is a ongoing disfuntion of your wife, her beginings and the load of deception and anquish your living.
Good luck living with anxiety as it appears that for appearnaces you choose to keep it.