GAD, Marriage, new member

Dakereb · Post by **Dakereb** » Thu Jan 13, 2011 1:36 pm

Hi all. I am just starting this program, although I've had the discs for several months now.

I'm a 50 year old man, married 25 years, and we have two college-aged kids, one of each gender. This has been such a long and difficult journey, I hardly know where to start.

I have what seems to be generalized anxiety disorder. It runs in my family. It's made a mess of my marriage. Way back when my wife and I were young and ignorant, we got married. She was vaguely aware that I reacted to some things in a strange way, but did not realize the depth of the problem. Neither did I. The thrill of the relationship quelled the problems significantly, and I did not have any idea that they would re-emerge. Over time, especially after we had kids, she grew to resent me. My behavior to her looked like uncaring self-centeredness. She withdrew. I became callous.

I knew this was unsustainable, so I started going to a counselor a few years ago. I managed to get my wife to go with me, after some pleading. We have, with the counselors help, laid all our issues with each other out, and she now understands what I go through.

Good, yes? No. Now that she understands this issue, she now sees in all over my family. Our daughter has issues that seem to stem from OCD tendencies, and my wife blames me for that. I am genetically damaged goods.

We do not fight, and rarely ever did. We get along as friends rather well. She takes care to make my life fairly easy, keeping the home running and, until recently, tending to the needs of the kids, while I go to work every day. I have had the same job for over 20 years, so I am a very stable provider, and she appreciates it.

But she does not love me. She says she never did, she just loved the idea of getting married. She wants to stay married, because it is a social position, and because her parents would, she believes, blame her completely if the marriage ended.

In case you are wondering, there is no physical intimacy in the relationship. She has tried, but there is no affection there for me, so she just cannot involve herself in it. The few times we've been intimate has been after, as she says, she has "prepared herself mentally" for it. Well, no thanks.

So, that is my situation. It is unpleasant, but not as debilitating as some. I appreciate that everyone here has problems due to anxiety and related tendencies. Perhaps just putting our issues out there, and seeing how others deal with theirs, we can forgive ourselves.

SoWhatif · Post by **SoWhatif** » Thu Jan 13, 2011 2:46 pm

Hi Dakereb, with all due respect it sounds as it is all her issue. Is Gad gene based? I do not think so, it is more learned behaviour and reaction from buried traumas in your life and more than likely childhood. I am no quack so it is just my observation.

How is your physical condition? You mention intimate, If you were her, would you look enticeing and something you would want to heat the sheets with?

I in no way mean to sound caluss. Is it written that gad cannot be removed?

Anxiety is caused by? What are you angry at?
Do you love yourself and then love your wife as you would love yourself?

Welcome to a new life.

Juno · Post by **Juno** » Thu Jan 13, 2011 4:17 pm

Wow, Dakereb...I know I'm young, I'm 32, but I have had pretty bad anxiety in relationships due to a very traumatic incident...I don't react well with men. But I can't imagine my boyfriend (who I have been living with for 3 years) saying any of that to me. Doesn't seem fair. Anxiety in many ways, especially when we are first learning to deal with it is beyond our control. You need support. My boyfriend has been so supportive, and I don't know how I would live without that. Are you truly happy with this arrangement?
You really should check out this book: Unstuck: 7 Stages Out of Depression by James Gordon. It helps you cope with anxiety and depression. It helped me so much.
Besides, how do you know this isn't a medical problem causing anxiety? That is the case for me. I was diagnosed with Celiac disease, which causes anxiety and depression. Doing much better now. It's so not fair. Everyone deserves to be loved.
Take care of yourself.

Dakereb · Post by **Dakereb** » Thu Jan 13, 2011 5:08 pm

I don't know whether gad has a genetic component or not, but her observation that there is quite a bit of odd behavior traits in my family is correct, even among blood relatives that I did not know while I was a kid.

I keep myself in decent shape, and I am slim, so physical appearance is not the problem. I am a bit meticulous with my hygiene, too. It's not that. The physical intimacy stopped about 15 years ago, and back then I even had almost all of my hair!

Am I happy with the situation. No, not at all. I do not want to end the marriage, at least not right now. I don't do well with the unknown, and such a big change is full of unknowns. Also, I feel like it would be a big disappointment for the kids. They are adults now, but there is something about having parents that are still together. Maybe I am making excuses, I don't know.

I agree that many, if not most, of the issues really are hers, but my efforts to get her into therapy with me have failed. She says she is a very private person and such issues should never be discussed with a stranger, not even a professional. When she did go she was not honest with the therapist, just telling her what she thought she wanted to hear so that she would not dig deeper.

I cannot change my wife. But I can change myself. I have and I will continue to do so. not sure where I will end up but I have to do something. I get an iuos just listening to the news these days. I cannot change reality so I have to change how I react to things. That is why I am here. I have taken up exercising very regularly and find that does indeed help. I do feel better both mentally and physically.

Sorry to ramble. There are many more details but I think you guys get the picture.

Dakereb · Post by **Dakereb** » Thu Jan 13, 2011 5:16 pm

To address the question of the possibility of physical reasons for my anxiety, I have been thoroughly checked out by an endocrinologist and my general practitioner and I am actually very healthy, thank goodness.

Dakereb · Post by **Dakereb** » Fri Jan 14, 2011 5:01 am

I should respond to SoWhatIfs question about whether I love myself, and love her as I love myself. Yes, I do love myself, and I often feel blessed, as if God knows me. I do love her, too, but she has made it very clear that while she does care about me and is now sympathetic towards my occassional bouts of anxiety, she simply does not and cannot love me. Before she met me and became aware of this quirk, she says she never even knew people like me existed. She says it has been a "real eye-opener" for her. If she had it to do over again, she certainly would not marry me. She was sheltered and naive, and I was unaware that I was really much different than anyone else. To be honest, 95% of the time, I am NOT different than most.

We have a lot of ties, mutual friends, financial ties, things like that, which make separating even harder. She feels guilty for wanting me to stay so that she can avoid dealing with the stigma of divorce, and she feels even more guilty for having kids with me because, as I said, she blames me for our daughters OCD issues. But even with that, she has become much more caring and far less judgemental of me during these last few years. She fully understands that there is a void in my life that she is not able to fill. I have a lot of reasons to stay, we are very stable and well set up socially and financially. She thinks I should just find a way to fill the void while staying with her. I've always felt that I should keep trying, keep working at the relationship by addressing my contributions to the problems, and hope she changes how she feels. It is finally clear now that she just cannot make that change.

So, that's where this situation has led me. I can only move forward from here. If you are young, sort this stuff out now. The longer you wait, the more difficult your situation may become.

SoWhatif · Post by **SoWhatif** » Fri Jan 14, 2011 3:54 pm

I have no idea how you do it. So it sounds as if your willing to sacrafice your health maybe even sanity so she won't be embarrassed.

I will refrain from explaining what I would do.

I can't retain myself, if she were my wife she would be sick from eating, no being force feed so much humble pie, she would be needing the rubber room.

tina martin · Post by **tina martin** » Sat Jan 15, 2011 1:44 am

You mean a room such as we might find in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with Nurse Ratchet supervising?

I might not go that far, but the seesaw here sure needs balancing.

Juno · Post by **Juno** » Sat Jan 15, 2011 9:23 am

LOL SoWhatif! Sounds like something I did to an ex-boyfriend. I know risking it all and waiting for my one right one paid off. We were living across the country from each other too, but we made it work and he is oh so so supportive and good to me, even when I'm at my worst. How does that saying go? "If you don't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

Dakereb · Post by **Dakereb** » Sun Jan 16, 2011 4:24 am

Yes, sometimes I get quietly very angry about it all. I have told her directly, during reasoned discussions, that all this is not fair to me. She completely agreed and says she would understand if I left. But I stay, at least for now, because my daughter, who is living at home while going to community college, needs my help. I understand her better than my wife does. Anyway, my wife can and sometimes does wrack herself over with guilt. She is conflicted between keeping the "marriage" together and trapping me in an unhappy marriage. So she says things like, I should see what women out there are like these days before I decide to leave. That's not what I really want to do, though.

I think, all this would not have unfolded like this if only I were not such an anxiety driven person. But, as Juno just said, if you don't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. I've never heard that one before. I like it!