I hope everyone here is working hard towards a recovery. I feel bad that I have not visited in awhile, but part of my recovery was to stop reading about the down's at one point while I was feeling relieved, revived, and not suffering from panic attacks. I have never forgotten how these forums have helped.
So that brings us to today and I hope I don't bore anyone, but I have been going out of my mind.
I recently found out (accidentally) that my wife is speaking with an old boyfriend. I had to be sure and I did research and proved who it was. When I confronted her she tried to lie, but I knew to much, she was sunk.
I felt we spoke, got a lot open, but I didn't trust, so I kept looking, even accessing her e-mail to find that there were innocent communications (though very few) from the end of 2009.
This brings me to today. My wife and I are happily married for 10 1/2 years. (So I believe). We have pretty much been together since we were 19, with about a 4 or 5 month break in 1998.
The "friend" who is male has always been in her life. When we first began speaking as friends and I guess b/f and g/f she once told me she would call me back because "friend" was on the other line. Since then I have not been the same. I am jealous in nature and tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve as my wife says.
It should be known that I once thought she had her first experiences with this "friend" which I felt was a connection I did not want her to have. During this recent tough time she told me it wasn't true. She never told anyone it wasn't actually him, she just went with it because he was older and her friends had always assumed. (Connection gone - feelings the same)???
After several confrontations, I think I have all the information. They have been speaking for over a year online, basically he is depressed and lonely and she just listens, offers support, etc.
I will admit, I have reacted harshly to this discovery. There has been feelings of betrayal, resentment, anger, hurt, and fear. I love my wife with all my heart and I never want to lose her.
During our split in '98 she went to see "friend" and they spent the weekend together and had sex. She said she always wondered......wondered if because they spoke they were meant to be, that there was something more. She is thankful for the experience as a whole...thinking he was the one, having that experience......the time together and then disappointment when he told her if she moved near him they would date, not just be a couple and move in together. She was stunned. She says she has no questions now, that he is just a friend. She realized before she said yes to me that she was running. She was running to the unknown, thinking it had to be right.
During these recent struggles we wrote each other letters and I so want to believe her. She says that "friend" is not going to ruin our marriage, he is not worth it. She was going to cut him off, but she also said if she un-friended him he would e-mail and inquire. "Friend" never liked me, thought my priorities were a little messed up and they may have been 15 yrs ago....., but my wife and I dated again before she finally committed to me in late '98. We were engaged in Apr. '99 and have never looked back. She had not heard from him (as far as I know) since 1998 when he came here to see family and they were suppose to meet up. Her and I went to the mall so she would not be home. (A little cowardly, but it was it is).
She told him last year (or whenever) that she could not tell me about him and he freaked. Thinks I need to get over it and so do a few other friends I have spoken too.
Ironically, I have female friends who are ex's as well, on FB, on IM, etc, and never give it a second thought. They are just friends to me. My wife believes me and is fine with it.
How do I become fine with her friend? I don't care that he doesn't like me, but how do I accept it so I don't ruin my marriage?
The anxiousness from this is killing me, till this week I had not taken a Xanax in almost a year.
There is probably so much more to tell, I just don't know where it all goes....in the letter my wife wrote me, she said she is who she is today because of me. She loves me, our life, and our children. She says she is never leaving, even when I threatened to walk out over this time and time again, she told me she loved me and told me to stay. I know I over reacted, but I needed impact. (It could have back fired, she said so herself, if she truly wanted to leave I gave her 3 outs!!)
Finally, in her letter, she apologized for breaking my trust, she never meant to hurt me, but she was trying to be a friend and knew that I would freak out last year. She says she did it for me, for us. I know she is right, I would have.
I told her I forgive her and I am staying, now, how do I get past the anxiety and doubt?
Paislee