The Challenge...Lesson 10

[Paisleegreen]

I'm off to get Lucinda's Panic Book at a local bookstore. But after I had DH check out my vehicle because I thought it was running hot and I didn't want to burn up the engine. It was fine, and just sounds different in the winter.

I rather be safe than sorry and have a big mechanic bill to replace a burnt up engine. :p
Now I'll be out with the teenagers on the road.

Mike--I just read what you wrote to me. Well, I did something a bit different this morning I put on some of my Christmas CDs and it got me to be more peppy and at least dance to the music.

My Living Room is the a nice room to be in and it has my stereo equipment and computer in it besides the Christmas tree. So I can move around in it and move about the house. But of course, it wouldn't be as motivating as being at a health club and being with people.

Well, I will better go get Lucinda's book which will get me out and about. Be Back! Paislee

[Paisleegreen]

Help anyone?

I made it to the store to get Lucinda's book and some others, one was Beyond Prozac, some other good ones.

After my good day out, I came home to Grandchildren visiting and got the kitchen cleaned up and then was able to start reading a little bit in my new books.

Now here is a copy of what I wrote elsewhere--But wanted to post here because this is about scary thoughts thread and you guys know me and my situation.

I was informed by my DD and DH last night that they are going to be talking to a mortgage guy about refinancing the house at the lower rates. I've been digging my heels in because I'm not ready for someone coming into my house and taking pictures for the appraisal.

I just barely got Lucinda's CDs and a new Psychologist to work with, and the main thing that I have to work on w/DH is getting our master bathroom remodeled. It is stripped down and I've had to have DH go in with me to the psychologist to discuss my concerns over this bathroom.

There has been a lot of heated argument over it, but more so on DH part because he is avoiding even getting the job started and as the Dr says, DH has a problem with "Conflict Avoidance" He never can have a discussion without becoming offended and storm off mad.

It takes everything in me to begin a discussion because I've been conditioned by his criticism and sarcasm to become stressed or depressed.

So now I'm told by DD that it would be a RUSH job to get my house looking good for the appraisal to push the loan through.

I'm thinking before this that for the money we would save would just go to the DR because I can only take so much stress during a time period and Christmas time is stressful.

We will have to have this bathroom done for the appraisal or the loan to go through, so that would be a rushed job and I would have all this decision making to happen. I can hardly decide what clothes to put on, let alone this extra stress during the holidays and cold winter months.

At least I was able to get out my frustrations or that I was in agreement to finally let a bathroom guy come into my bedroom and bathroom to make bid. This was after my Dr helped me w/ this process, now there is so much more pressure to have everything cleared up for the appraiser.

I definitely am doing better, but I just don't know how I'm going to do it! I'm glad I had the discussion about the "shower" guy to come in. Help anyone? Paislee

P.S. This might be a sneaky way that DD and DH are doing for me to have the shower guy come in and make a bid. Since I haven't felt "SAFE" to have a discussion w/DH about it yet.

[THH]

Hi everyone,
I've been busy too. Seams like many things are going on this time of the year. One of many good things did happen. I had my dentist appt. this week, and I didn't take any zanax to make it. It was very hard, and I used many skills to get me there and back. The one that I did over and over was FEAR= False Evidence Appearing Real. I was feeling the need to run, when actually I wanted to get them cleaned as they feel so good after. I was what ifing as I had some surgery in April that they were going to check. I used more of my skills to stay in the moment, & let go of the things I can not change. I have done my best at flossing, brushing ect... and if its bad its going to be bad. So I had a good visit, and felt relieved that no new problems!

Mike,
Boy that is a great question. " So is family then Love that you get?" You know I am struggling with that, to be honest. I know they love me, but really it don't seam to be the kind of love I'm looking for? I'm not sure what this means???LOL...Could it be another one of my mis beliefs?
From nature, I get yea, independence, creativity, calmness, its steady I can count on Spring, and the joys, Summer, and the beauty, Fall, all the colors, Winter, quietness.
The joys that nature shows me, and the sadness of things that don't come from a perfect world. I seam to relate to things better by what I see in the natural. That is a hard one to answer.

I think I feel successful 50% of the time! And of coarse I would like to feel 100%. This is the want to strive for perfect. Its so bad. I see this in me, but I can't catch myself very fast. not like what ifs. I can catch those pretty good.
I think you have hit a big one for me, with this topic on beliefs. Lets not forget this one. Add it to my onion.

I hope your swelling has gone down. What is up with that? Are you getting a cold? Or is it stress? I don't know much about that, I know when I'm sick my neck one swell. Hope its better!


Lindalee- Yey! Good for you going back to school! hope you get your job!

Hope - Really good with your job interviews! Way to go.... Any news yet?

Paislee,
We refinanced our house about 5 years ago. They never came in our house. They took pictures from the road, they measured the out side of the house. I didn't even know they were here!
What about the appraisal makes you feel up tight? Did they tell you they were coming in?


I understand over whelm, It helps me break it down in little pieces and I can break up the mis beliefs.

I hope this helps?

[NinjaFrodo]

That is one excited child!!! When did we lose that level of excitement? And its remixed!Excited child gets a Nintendo 64 for christmas

Paisleegreen;
Awesome you can use that christmas cd in order to break some of the worry/obsessive/anxious/guilt cycles. Great tool to have at your disposal.

I am nowhere near motivated on my own too. I need to see all those fit bodies and people exercising. I feed off of that energy!

Congrats on the new books, its great that you bought them and shows that you are willing to face the problem of the anxiety and depression!

What would have to happen in order for you to be ready for someone to come into your house to take pictures for the appraisal? When do you think you would be more ready?

That certainly would make it harder to conversate with someone who has conflict avoidance, alot harder. Are you saying that in the past there has not been a single discussion you've had in the past in which he didn't become offended and storm off mad?

You alone would have all that decision making to do?


THH;
Yay congrats on facing the dentist anxiety! I hadn't been to a dentist in awhile and then I had a cleaning and this week I had a cavity filled and I can see how going to the dentist can cause anxiety! Good job on not needing to take the zanax and using those skills!

It is a good question isn't it? I'm starting to learn how to ask good questions, they are very useful.

Yeah your rules on love could be the problem. So based on what you responded to me...your main values are;

Love
Health
Independance
Freedom
Creativity
Calmness
Joy
Success

And you might have more then that but its a good start. There are also negative values that you have too but i'm not sure what those are. Asking things like what feelings or states would I do almost anything to avoid? What feelings do I hate the most? And that would give your negative values (which are important to find and change so you aren't sabbotaging your efforts and to make it harder to feel those negative things).

So lets go with love since you seem to be having a hard time with that one. What has to happen in order for you to feel love?

As for catching things in time...you could use this method with finding and then changing your rules about your values and then you won't have to worry as much about catching them as you can change them before they even come up. Also if you want to feel more successful, you can do that without being perfect about it. How does it sound if you can feel successful everyday?

Well it could just be supressed crap coming up to the surface to be expelled and thats why I'm getting swelling. It is getting less sore so thats goods, its changing!

Last couple of days
So I've continued to work on my values and beliefs and decided to put some more focus on guilt. I wrote out all the things that had to happen in order for me to feel guilt and then i went through and crossed off some of the ones that were similar to others. I originally wrote out 60 of them and then dropped down to 28. I then replaced them with more realistic things. I stopped in the middle of writing them and then I wrote out about what guilt has cost me in my life and what my life would be like if I continued to let the guilt control me and that pain helped me continue replacing the thoughts. It gave me the energy to change the old beliefs so I wouldn't feel that pain, it really works wonders. So I replaced them and I ended up going out with some friends. I felt alot more free and less confined and less worrying, less walking on eggshells and such too! I did get concerned that I might become a bully again and my judgemental thoughts have gotten stronger and my urge to bully people. I guess that might just be an obsessive thought pattern or perhaps some other beliefs that I need to work on changing...i'm not sure. Its too early to make a final evaluation on my efforts with changing my guilt rules.



Mike

Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

My Current Values and Core Beliefs (This will be posted in several posts as it will be long, i'll try to keep it the least overwhelming I can.)

To figure out my values I asked; What is most important in my life? What do I value most in my life.
The Value is the target and the belief determines if I've hit the target...So to find out what my beliefs are I asked; What has to happen in order for me to feel ____(whatever the value/feeling is)

My Positive or Moving Towards Values in order of importance
1)Security
2)Happiness
3)Freedom
4)Contribution/Making a diffrence
5)Respect
6)Joy/Excitement
7)Connection
8)Love
9)Passion
10)Health
11)Success
12)Adventure

My beliefs/rules that must be met in order to feel that value
----------------------------------------------------------------------

1)Security
I'm completely in control of my emotional state, I'm not doing anything silly or out of the ordinary or anything that cane be criticized. I have full control of my comings and goings and I'm around people who I can beat up if I have to or around people who aren't very likely to hurt me in any way. I also have to be clear minded, anxiety free and not have to worry about saying the wrong thing. (Do I feel secure? Not very often no)

2)Happiness
I have to feel good about what I'm doing, I have to work on improving myslef, I have to be following through on my goals and be in a safe environment. (Do I feel happy? Yes usually when I find some self-help thing or really exciting activity that I find very helpful and I work with it but then after some time I don't feel as good about it and then I end up not feeling as happy.)

3)Freedom
I can come and go as I please and say whatever I want, when I want to. I have control of what I'm doing and can stop whenever I want to and I have my emotions in check. (Do I feel free? No I usually don't unless I have drank alot of alcohol)

4)Contribution/Making a diffrence
I must give helpful advice and change people's approach so they aren't suffering. I have to convince them to take my approach when handling struggles. I need to convince them that I'm right. (Do I feel like i'm contributing? Yes there are many times I do feel it, but not as much as I'd like and not in as many areas as I'd like, mostly just here on the forums.)

5)Respect
I'm taking into consideration, I'm invited to all the events of my friends, my birthday is remembered, people aren't mean to me or show negativity (Do I feel respected? I do when I isolate myself and don't hear about events that my friend's are having or i'm around people who aren't mean or negative very much at all.)

6)Joy/Excitement
I have to be in a safe environment with non-judgemental people, I have to make sure what I'm getting excited about or having joy isn't stupid and is accepted by other people and other people get excited over it. (do I feel joy/excitement? Yes there are many times I do but again not as often as I'd like and I don't feel joy around people I think are threatening, i'm afraid to feel that joy then.)

7)Connected
I must have some kind of physical contact and have really deep emotional conversations. (Do I feel connected? Not usually no.)

8)Love
The word must be spoked to me by another person, people must do ver kind and considerate things for me without expecting osmething in return, they should defend me, always be there for me, support me, understand and listen to me and defend me if I'm being attacked in any way, and accept me for me. (Do I feel love? Not very often no)

9)Passion
I must put my very best into what I'm doing and feel good about it and not be judged, criticized, rejected or made fun of.(Do I feel passion? Sometimes in hip-hop class and when I do my hour of power in the morning and am not around people and can do my incantations full force)

10)Healthy
I have energy, I have a toned body, I avoid dairy and white sugar, I exercise, I have no health problems, I don't have anxiety or depression and I'm calm and peaceful all the time. (Do I feel healthy? No, not in the least bit)

11)Success
I have to feel good at what I'm doing on a gut level and make some discovery or accomplishment. [do I feel successful? Yes when I just started in on something I found exciting but after a couple days to a couple of weeks that fades away until I find something new and exciting.)

12)Adventure
Being spontaneous, facing limitations and doing things I normally wouldn't do. (Do I feel adventurous? Sometimes when I walk somewhere I haven't walked before, when I'm facing limitations or trying something new)


[Next post will be about the negative values and then I will make posts on the new beliefs I will choose for those values and talk about how to anchor those beliefs in there so they stick, its going to be exciting stuff!]


Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Mike--You did a great job on your values. Then asking yourself the questions on how you feel about them. You are doing a lot of hard work.
I enjoy reading them and seeing you grow.

Well, for the house refinance. The appraiser has come into the house and inspect it. Sometimes they've taken photos that I already had a copy of or they take pictures of the living room and kitchen, and others or they at least do a walk through. Of course, they are going to inspect to see if there is a bathroom that is functioning.

My DD probably exaggerated what would happen as that is her MO (Mode of Operation) and DD & DH might be trying to find a way to motivate me to clear up some stuff. They, or DH see me on the computer and are thinking, Gee, she should clear this room up or do this or that...there isn't any conversation about things right now.

There is a lot of tension part of the time, and I'm either out of the house doing volunteer work or I'm home doing simple tasks. I go to all my obligatory meetings or social events, including family birthday parties, etc.

I have started cooking again mainly a big pot of healthy stew or chili or something else.
I do some shopping as needed, and I see my Dr.
I got my piano tuned just recently as it was bothering me when I played it. So I'm starting to play it again.

I have some interaction with my son that lives w/ us, and casual interaction w/ my other adult children. There hasn't been any in depth interaction as we are all busy and I have my anxiety right now where I don't feel "safe" with anyone. I'm pretty lonely...but I'm increasing my interaction w/ people out of the house.

I am just trying to take one day at a time. And talking w/ DH is very difficult due to his over reaction to me. And he is getting his advice, probably from our adult children instead of a counselor of some type.

[NinjaFrodo]

Paisleegreen;

Thank you...Those are basically my expectations that I must meet in order to feel good. You can see how hard it might be to live up to all those rules and how they might make me feel unsatisfied right? Not to mention not meeting them will make me feel more worthless and inferior. I will post the replacement rules right after this post.

I can understand how uncomfortable it can feel to have someone come into your place and it not look very appealing or tidy. That would cause me to feel fear/worry...is that how you feel? Negative emotions all give diffrent messages with a common theme which is...something needs to change! Worry sends the message that you need to prepare and in order to do that you need to change something! Do you think DD & DH find that this is the only way to motivate you to take action? Is there any other way that might motivate you?

What do you think are all the reasons why he over reacts? Is there a possibility that you may have reacted in a way that could be taken the wrong way or maybe you could have possibly not taken the other person's thoughts and feelings into considerate because you were so wrapped up in your own insecurities?


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

My Positive or Moving Towards Values with my new beliefs/rules

Alright so now for the exciting stuff! I have gone through all the positive values and their beliefs and I have rewrote them in order to better serve me and to make my life more enjoyable.

Now before I post my replacement beliefs/rules I want to talk about the goals that I kept in mind before changing them. If you have been following my posts from the beginning of the challenge you may remember the part where I talked about emotions being messages. This is very important to keep in mind! All emotions are messages, the positive ones tell us that we are doing things right and the negative ones tell us we need to change something. There still needs to be a balance when it comes to changing the rules to the emotions...if your rules lack motivation and drive then you will become too comfortable and may not succeed in life...if your rules are too hard to achieve then you may not feel those emotions.

So the goals I wanted to achieve for changing my thoughts;
1)Make it easier to meet the positive values and harder to meet the negative ones (but not impossible if it would be rational to feel a particular feeling)
2)Write them so they work towards achieving goals ie. becoming healthier, always strive for more, be considerate and helpful to others
3)Make sure they are motivating
4)They don't have to be perfect or accurate, they just need to be empowering
5)The rules are things I can achieve on my own without the help of another person. Rules that are dependant on other people are rules that allow others to determine and control your emotions!!!


In order to meet all my criteria and figure out replacement beliefs, I asked questions. These are the questions I would ask;

Why is this feeling important? How does it help me?
In what situation would it help me?
How can it easier to feel this feeling? How can I make this make me more motivated?
Does the new belief make it easier but still motivate me or does it make me too comfortable and demotivate me?


1)Secure
This feeling is important because feeling secure allows me to access all the resources of my brain whenever I need it. When I'm in difficult situations I need my resources the most and feeling insecure in any situation just limits me and makes things harder. So now what has to happen in order for me to feel secure?

I must have a brain that functions and is capable of coming up with solutions to problems

Do I have a brain that functions and is capable of coming up with solutions to problems? Yes! Do I feel secure? Yes!

2)Happy
This feeling is important as it allows me to feel good and enjoy myself. In order to feel good but still feel motivated to accomplish things and continue to do better what would have to happen?

I would have to continue to grow and improve in my life and keep setting my sights on new goals and enjoy the process.

Am I growing and improving and setting my sights on new goals? Yes. Do I feel happy? Yeah.

3)Freedom/Free
This feeling is important as it makes me feel like i'm in control of my life, my decisions, actions and It makes me hopeful. (this one was a toughy and took awhile to figure out!) So what has to happen in order for me to feel free?

I must have options and and the ability to choose

Do I have options and the ability to choose? Yes. Do I feel free? Yes!

4)Contribution/Making a diffrence
Why is the feeling of contribution important? It helps me to feel connected and that I'm making my mark in the world and fulfilling my life's purpose. (This is a really big one for me because I have told myself back when I was struggling and there was very little hope, that I would use the suffering I have went through to help others and it helped me to get through. It was my promise to myself.) So how can I make it easy to feel that I'm contributing but still feel motivated to use the pain of my past to help others on a big scale and to utilize my full potential? What would I have to believe to do fulfill these criteria?

I must live my life in a way to magnify the positive feelings in myself and others and to keep improving and growing in my ability to do so.

Am I doing this?
->I'm starting to do this.
Do I feel like I'm contributing/making a diffrence?
->Somewhat!

5)Respect(ed)
This is important because without feeling respected, I don't feel like I'm valued or have value. (This one alone took at least 30minutes to figure out, it was one of the toughest ones and I kept thinking specific situations. I kept writing it as the belief was based on the responses of other people and so I'd be sacrificing my control over this feeling to everybody else but me but I finally got it)
How do I write this in a way that I can give this to myself and its easy? How would I know if i'm respected? What would have to happen in order for me to feel respected? (Keep in mind I'm asking what would have to happen in order to feel respect, not in order to be respected!)

I must be alive and have a place to sleep, food to eat, clothing to wear, and a place to wash myself.

Do I have these things?
Yes
Do I feel respected?
Yes

6)Joy/Excitement
This is important because it makes me feel good about what i'm doing. (This took alot of ideas...I had to use the idea of writing for the wastebasket to finally come up with a good belief. When you write for the wastebasket you just keep writing and building that creative momentum and are more likely to come up with something good instead of trying to just try to come up with something good right off the bat.)
What has to happen in order for me to feel joy/excitement and still be motivated?

I must do things that will continually increase and improve the quality of my life and positive feelings.

Have I done things that will increase and improve the quality of my life and positive feelings?
Yes
Do I feel joy or excitement?
Yeah.

7)Connected/Connection
This is important as it makes me feel like i'm apart of something and that I have significance.
What can I believe in order to make it easy to achieve this feeling?

There are other people besides myself alive on this planet

Are there other people alive on this planet?
Yes
Do I feel connected?
Yes

8)Love
This is important because it is the most positive feeling there is and is the best part of life!
How can I make this easy to get without demotivating myself? What can I believe?

I must be alive and have a heart

Am I alive and have a heart?
Yes
Do I feel love?
Yes

9)Passion
This is important as it gives me an enourmous ammount of positive energy so I can do some really amazing things! (This again was another hard one and I had to think about the passion I had in hip hop to figure out a belief)
How do I achieve passion in hip-hop?
I give my all and allow myself to be me and not worry about mistakes
So what can I believe now that can incorporate the same level of passion in hip-hop to other areas of my life?

I do things I want to do and I enjoy doing them

Do I do things I want to do and enjoy them?
Yes
Do I feel passion?
Yes, definately!

10)Healthy
This is important because if I feel healthy then I don't need to worry about my health.
So what can I believe that would make me feel healthy easily but still motivate me to take care of my health and work to improve it?

I need to live a lifestyle that supports my body and mind as well as sets me up so I can give my best in all areas of life

Am I living a lifestyle that does this?
Yes, for the most part
Do I feel healthy?
A little bit but I haven't worked out yet or drank much water so not as much as I'd like to.

11)Success
This is important as it tells me that i'm not wasting my days or my time.
(I just took the one from Tony Robbins's example as it sounded pretty good! It doesn't motivate me to succeed but my beliefs about happiness & joy/excitement take care of the motivation)

A day above the ground is a great day and if its a great day then I'm successful.

Am I above the ground?
Yes
Do I feel successful?
Yes

12)Adventurous
This is important as it keeps life intresting!
So what would I have to believe to make this easy to attain?

I have to try something new, learn something new, push my limits, change something with my routine or add something to it.

Have I done any of these things today?
Yes, I changed my routine and my route with my morning walk.
Do I feel adventurous?
Yes!


Overall I feel alot more positive but this is only half the problem solved! Without working on the negative values, I could easily sabbotage my efforts and just go back to my old beliefs and I definately do not want that to happen or else I'll just go back to my old negative cycles of anxiety and depression and misery! (yes I was trying to disturb myself so the new changes stick more and i'm less likely to sabbotage myself but still am motivated to work on the negative ones). I really encourage everybody to do this and get to feel the way I feel right now! And telling me that you can't is just telling me that your negative values are stopping you!


Mike

[THH]

Mike! GREAT READ!!!!

You are learning to ask GREAT questions, I get where you have gone with this!
I will have to sit down and with a pen & paper do what you just done. I see many things in here that may help me find my questions answered. I am not good yet at asking these questions. I feel like a big dummy! LOL... DAH! It actually takes a person to ask me a certain question before I really think of my answer. I don't seam to ask myself good questions. This must happen when you really start to challenge your beliefs. I need to learn more ways to ask my questions to myself.

My rules on love are a problem. I didn't think I had any! LOL... I just quietly expected everyone to know. I thought that heart felt caring, (do unto others, golden rule) was what you do when you love someone. No wonder I feel such a mixed bunch of feelings.

Any upset you ever had with another person comes down to a rules upset. You have rules about how they should behave and act or treat or speak or do something and they aren't living by the rules you have. How can you expect someone to live by your rules if you haven't communicated what they are? Besides that, are your rules really right? Where did they come from?

I think I am feeling slightly like you, like when your in a car and stuck in the snow, and someone gives you a push to get out. Then your out and make a few feet free from the snow and being stuck. The feeling of freedom!
I have seen the promise land! LOL...

I think I get it.
I am going to have to think about this for awhile and do the work on paper to figure out the answers. I think for me, to feel love from other people has been set up on either no beliefs, or false beliefs rather on my own thoughts.

won't have to worry as much about catching them as you can change them before they even come up. Also if you want to feel more successful, you can do that without being perfect about it. How does it sound if you can feel successful everyday?

You right, it has to start in the mind first, then felt in the heart.

Lots to do and think about. Thanks for posting!

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Mike--I'll do this quick...you're right on all your questions. I actually called a guy to come look at the Master Bathroom for a bid. I'll post more...I get to get in the shower! LOL! Different one right now... I'll be back! P.