The Challenge...Lesson 8

[NinjaFrodo]

Disarming I'm not going to go into really big details with because I already did that in lesson 7. Basically you find truth in something they say and then agree with it.

Inquiry i'm also not going to go into big detail with for the same reason. In lesson 7 it was named empathy but the author decided to change that with his later book. Basically you ask for more information to see the situation in the other person's eyes.

Empathy Is a bit tougher and I will talk more in detail about this.

Thought empathy is paraphrasing so the person knows you are listening.

Here is a pretty good example;

Paraphrasing

You can also see inquiry in here as well. This guy does lack in the emotional empathy though.


Emotional empathy
This is letting the other person know that you know how they are feeling by stating it based on what they have just told you. You could talk about how you feel when in the same situation and ask them if this is what they're feeling too.

I wish i could give another great example as the one with thought empathy but I wasn't able to find anything like that. I was however able to find something that is helpful to explain the importance of emotional empathy.

Empathy


Ok and now I found another video that puts both the paraphrasing in there as well as emotional empathy so check it out.

Active listening



Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Ok the assertiveness thread isn't moving along as well as I had hoped. I'm still going to continue using this but I feel that we could still do some daily practice here on one liner comments.

Monday Assertive practice

You get into an arguement because your partner wants to do one thing and you wanted to do something else. You are both feeling really angry, frustrated and ignored.

Partner; Its always about what you want, you never listen to what I have to say and its always about you. You're so selfish!


What is your response?
You can reply with; Disarming
Inquiry
Thought empathy
Emotional empathy
Or you can respond with a combination of the 4. If you are still new to all of these then it might be better to just pick 1. We are going to get a variety of diffrent responses and thats ok there is not only one correct response.


Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Inquiry--What am I doing that is so selfish?
Him--You won't let me touch the cat's nose.
Me--You always touch the cat's nose and this isn't your cat. I want this cat's attention.

Of course, I never responded back, I just enjoyed the cat and wouldn't let him touch the cat, as I would have in the past. It's my son's cat visiting me in my room. So this was me starting to be more assertive a few weeks back.

[mcshope]

What-if the anxiety from facing the anxiety is less than that from avoiding it? What-if I feel more comfortable with anxiety and It dissipates? What-if I see my anxiety as excitement and never fear it ever again? What-if what they say is true and I realize that most of my worst thoughts never happen? What-if I regain control of my life? What-if I started to believe that there is no such thing as failure? What-if I faced my anxiety and realize that nothing can stop me from achieving my dreams?

Mike,

The flylady is totally against perfectionism, there is no pressure to finish certain things or even to follow her sugestions religiously. I have been checking her website and getting ideas. Mainly is to make a plan to tackle the clutter and keep it up. Flylady is full of praises for any accomplishment. I usually follow the ideas that work for me and skip the ones that don't. I have found that her plan agrees with Lucinda's program and that has helped me. However you are right, it is not for everybody.

I agree with you, the tv and the internet become a distraction from the anxiety. I guess the problem is when we spend too much time on those activities and do not do other things. Everything in moderation!!!

It is important that you follow the path to recovery that you feel more comfortable with. Sometimes I just feel your frustration for not making more progress or faster progress. To learn communication skills is very useful. I know that you will feel more confident if you know how to approach different people and different situations.

There are 2 things that bother me about missing posts, one is that reading the posts helps me learn new things and makes me feel good. The second thing is that I don't want anybody to feel that I don't care.

I can feel the progress in getting out of the house. Let me explain... I have a bag with some medication, mainly pepto, tums, imodium, ibuprofen. I started taking that bag with me to work, just in case, you know... just in case I get sick, just in case I get cramps, etc. It became a habit to not leave the house without my med bag. Well, there have been a few times that I have left the house without the bag and I did ok. I am proud of myself for that.

Hope

[Paisleegreen]

That's great MCShope! I make sure I have some Xanax nearby. I already had the experience of going to the waterpark and then all set on an inner tube before the Wave Pool started its waves. Boy, Oh, boy did my mind go on the What Ifs?

I learned from that experience went back and pushed forward, but I still make sure I have just one little generic Xanax handy, just in case. But not a bunch so that someone would break into my vehicle and still it! See how I am?! lol Also I don't put it in a labeled pill bottle, sometimes it is mixed w/Advil or vitamins or something else. I never in a million years would of Thunk this! :p

[Paisleegreen]

LindaLee, I really am happy for you in your decision making with the horse clubs, etc. and you doing your practicing on a trained horse. (hope I got this right)

I am doing baby steps back into what I use to do so naturally. I cleaned our on of my koi ponds last week and today I cooked a meal from scratch. Extra lean ground beef, can of unsalted diced tomatoes, onions, chili pepper, canned black beans. I ate this with some tortilla chips, 2% cottage cheese and avocado.

I've turned 56, and everything is changing with my body. So I want to be sure I don't gain weight now that winter is coming in and my activity level is going down. Also, working on Lucinda's diet plan. I'll be interested to see what my Psychologist has to say about diet.

Anyway, I'm rooting for you. I use to belong to a watergarden and koi club. Gave my whole heart and soul too. After my son died though, I stopped participating and by the time I went back, the people had changed and some of my key interests as well.

[mcshope]

Paisleegreen,

I have the xanax in my purse... I hardly ever leave the house without it. However I rarely use it. That one is for extreme emergencies.

How are you doing with the program?... Is this your first time?...
This is my first time and I feel lucky to have found this group. Mike, THH, Karen, Lindalee and Jamie have been great.

Hope

[NinjaFrodo]

Paisleegreen;

Is the cat's nose thing an actually situation?

[NinjaFrodo]

mcshope;

Oh ok well thats good that she isn't pressuring people to follow her, that makes me feel less pressured and overwhelmed. When you say clutter do you mean when a house is a mess and physical clutter?

Full of praises for any accomplishment? Can you give me some examples because i'm not sure how that would look like but it does sound intresting. How does her plans agree with Lucinda's program? Is there like similar morals or ideas?

Yes your right. I think it becomes a problem when you naturally start to feel guilt and you want to do other things but you don't allow yourself to do it. That is when it becomes an addiction.

True its like the road of life, we all have diffrent paths. I definately have gotten really frustrated with myself and my progress. I agree there has been many times just going through the program this time where I just kept telling myself that it wasn't good enough, i'm not doing enough or getting to where I want to go. I think I just figured out why too! You see I was making progress with changing my thoughts, I was making progress with cultivating certain skills and abilities but I was also trying to control my feelings more and more and prevent the negative ones from coming out. I would feel this enormous ammount of energy just stuck and I wouldn't let it out and that was what was bothering me. I'm starting to allow myself to release this energy and to say things and do things without second guessing myself or doubting myself and it feels pretty good. The communication has been apart of that as well and I am becoming more confident because of this. Part of letting out that stuck energy is to feel comfortable handling the responses of other people. Each day I practice them and I become more and more secure with the idea of getting into a situation where people try to make me feel bad for doing what I want to do.

I understand that you feel guilty about missing the posts. Yes there are alot of helpful things in the posts and the potential for people to get hurt that you didn't respond is there as well. I would feel the same way if I expected to read all the posts and then fell back on it. I also worry that I might send the message that I don't care about the other person if I don't respond to them but let me ask you 3 questions. Has anybody not responded to you since we started the challenge at least once? If so how did you feel about that? Also are the posts going to go anywhere soon?

Wow that is some serious preparation. Fear is the message that you need to prepare and so you did! Thats definately something to be proud of as you are starting to trust yourself and your skills more and more, enjoy the accomplishment as its a good one!

Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Wow slimjim spam posted in here too? I feel really annoyed by that post.


Mike