My ideas, opinions, feelings and needs matter. I deserve respect and I deserve to stand up for myself. When I'm assertive it doesn't matter how the other person responds because I am doing ti for myself and not for them. No matter what response I get, I will continue to stick to my guns.
Sunday;
Woke up late in the day again and usually I just feel completely unmotivated but I was fine, I did laundry, went shopping and visited a friend it was good. I went to the ATM and found out I had an extra $280 from GST return, I thought that was pretty cool. See when I moved to toronto I was worried that the money I got from the government wouldn't be enough to survive on. I had been worried alot about financial struggles and having to get a job before I am ready to handle it and it just seems like money keeps coming at the right time. When I moved I got money for moving, quite a bit actually and I used that for awhile and then I did my tax returns for last year and the year before in May and I got money from both in diffrent months and so that helped me out too. I then got my HST cheque last month which helped and the GST one this month. Life is just giving me the help that I need at the exact time I need it. Its pretty cool actually.
I had been reading a bit of a zodiac sign book, its more extensive then normal zodiac stuff and it said alot of things that made me feel bad and some that made me feel like oh thats why I do that. I then realized I can look at this thing in an all-or-nothing sort of way, a kind of fixed way that I cannot ever change or I can look at it in gray tones and see things I can work with and work on. One positive thing is it says my sign is really big into the 5 senses. We like beauty and sensation. So when I went to the store I decided to check out the scented candle and incense section. It smelled really good and I bought some because it did make me feel happy. I also went and bought some really nice smelling body wash and I was really excited when I got to use it, it smells sooooooo nice! My friend is into using fragrant lotions on his skin after a shower and I'm thinking I'd like to do that as well.
I am also noticing that I am more creative with things like posting and online messages, the meals that I create and such, i'm really happy about that.
Thought replacement
1)I'll never be able to get a job if I keep waking up so late.
[Mental filter, Overgeneralization]
(Double standard)
->I don't need to worry about that right now, just take the time I need to so I can get to the point where I can work again. There is no rush and just continue to do all the good things that I'm doing and I will for sure get to that point its no big deal.
2)My bottom teeth hurt in the gums. If I go to the dentist, I'll have to get them removed and then I'll look so horrible, nobody would want to date me, I wouldn't be able to get a job and I'd be very miserable.
[fortune telling]
(Cost/Benefit)
Benefit of telling myself I'll have to get |
My teeth removed |
---------------------------------------------
-I'll get myself to go to the dentist
instead of procrastinating
-I'll push myself before it gets too
serious
-I'll feel good once I have gone
Cost of telling myself I'll have to get my teeth removed
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-I'll scare myself and make myself feel very anxious throughout my day
-I won't be able to enjoy things as much
-Stress can make any health condition worse
-I'll feel really bad about myself until I go
-I may go back to my old coping mechanism if I have too much pressure on me
-I won't be able to concentrate as much
-It will drain me
-I may become hopeless and depressed
It would be more beneficial to say that I have pain in my gums, I'll go before it gets too serious and things will work out just fine. I'm not going to come out looking like an ogre, if I need to have teeth removed then I can set up a payment plan to have new ones put in to replace the old ones.
Accomplishments
Laundry
Grocery shopping
Hungout with my friend
Posted
Thought replacement
Watched Comedy and so laughed at least once today
Didn't worry that I didn't get to bed at desired time
Mike
The Challenge...Lesson 7
-
NinjaFrodo
- Posts: 1263
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
Karen,
You will have many more opportunity's to show you can be reliable. Don't read any more into it. A little person can't understand, I mean really understand. You are working on improving your self you will get stronger! Try to set yourself up better. Have a plan of action in place before you even leave. I do this from time to time when I have to drive in places I normally don't drive in. Just a thought.
Thank you for the compliment, it was work and I had to go with something I believed to be true. As simple as it was, it worked for me. Your right too when you say how easy it is to fall back on past thinking. I talked about this with Mike in another place on here, but just a example: I moved my stuff in my kitchen cabinet to another. In other words I swapped stuff from one to another. For several weeks every time I wanted a cup I went to the wrong cabinet! Old habits are hard to break. I would open it and realize I switched them, and went to where I know it was. Each time I needed something I had to think, where is this? Then I got pretty good at going to the right place. But if I was busy and not thinking I went to the wrong one every time! It just goes to show how long habits are to break and how I have to keep focused to get the right results. I think this can be applied to what changes we are going through doing this program too.
Still no word on blood. I feel better that nothing too bad as I know they call you really fast then. I do want to here it from them but I am not obsessing on it. I felt a whole lot better after talking to my Dr. he is so good for me, Thank GOD I have him, he just knows me too well! He helps me with my health anxiety and my obsession with it. He was pleased I did the coarse, and likes how I can gather my thoughts to ask great questions. Before I took another person with me, lol... Or I would write all my questions down and read to him! LOL...
Hope your day was lovely!
You will have many more opportunity's to show you can be reliable. Don't read any more into it. A little person can't understand, I mean really understand. You are working on improving your self you will get stronger! Try to set yourself up better. Have a plan of action in place before you even leave. I do this from time to time when I have to drive in places I normally don't drive in. Just a thought.
Thank you for the compliment, it was work and I had to go with something I believed to be true. As simple as it was, it worked for me. Your right too when you say how easy it is to fall back on past thinking. I talked about this with Mike in another place on here, but just a example: I moved my stuff in my kitchen cabinet to another. In other words I swapped stuff from one to another. For several weeks every time I wanted a cup I went to the wrong cabinet! Old habits are hard to break. I would open it and realize I switched them, and went to where I know it was. Each time I needed something I had to think, where is this? Then I got pretty good at going to the right place. But if I was busy and not thinking I went to the wrong one every time! It just goes to show how long habits are to break and how I have to keep focused to get the right results. I think this can be applied to what changes we are going through doing this program too.
Still no word on blood. I feel better that nothing too bad as I know they call you really fast then. I do want to here it from them but I am not obsessing on it. I felt a whole lot better after talking to my Dr. he is so good for me, Thank GOD I have him, he just knows me too well! He helps me with my health anxiety and my obsession with it. He was pleased I did the coarse, and likes how I can gather my thoughts to ask great questions. Before I took another person with me, lol... Or I would write all my questions down and read to him! LOL...
Hope your day was lovely!
Mike,
It has been crazy here, I thought it was just the full moon! LOL...
Weekends usually were my easy days, and I would look forward to them. Last couple months they are more stressful then week days. I can't wait for Monday!!! Yea, sometimes the only was though is through. That is what I have had to do as of lately. I may not like it, but it has to get done.
Yea I have had to really lower those expectations in those times or I would have to just shut down. I find just excepting this is the way this day is gong to go, its not under my control, helps me from not getting mad, or frustrated. It feels better even though I'm not doing what I really want to do.
Your poor Aunt! Its nice that you try to help her. My husband had them, and Thank God he only had them for 6-7 months. He had them on his back. He was on anti viral drugs and a cream to put on it. I hope she gets over them very soon!
No I didn't read all the post, I will and then I will post.
On your sis, Maybe tell her to call you when she has time or can make time for you. I don't think I would ever write on fb or nothing like that. Maybe a letter, that you don't send. Face to face is by far the best.
I guess you have to decide how much you want to be in her life, and what your desired outcome that you would like from it all. Then proceed.
I think its great you are looking for closure. That is a great place to be. You can get that as you are now ready for it, recognize it, and soon you will move on from it. I understand that. I've closed several deals in my life, and that seams how it works. Just letting you know from my perch it sounds good! lol...
You should go see a dentist. It may not be anything to worry about, but on the same hand you are young, and you want to keep your natural teeth as long as you can.
I also get the fear!!! I go in November. Oh and spending money on your health is making a investment in yourself. Just like doing this program.
It has been crazy here, I thought it was just the full moon! LOL...
Weekends usually were my easy days, and I would look forward to them. Last couple months they are more stressful then week days. I can't wait for Monday!!! Yea, sometimes the only was though is through. That is what I have had to do as of lately. I may not like it, but it has to get done.
Yea I have had to really lower those expectations in those times or I would have to just shut down. I find just excepting this is the way this day is gong to go, its not under my control, helps me from not getting mad, or frustrated. It feels better even though I'm not doing what I really want to do.
Your poor Aunt! Its nice that you try to help her. My husband had them, and Thank God he only had them for 6-7 months. He had them on his back. He was on anti viral drugs and a cream to put on it. I hope she gets over them very soon!
No I didn't read all the post, I will and then I will post.
On your sis, Maybe tell her to call you when she has time or can make time for you. I don't think I would ever write on fb or nothing like that. Maybe a letter, that you don't send. Face to face is by far the best.
I guess you have to decide how much you want to be in her life, and what your desired outcome that you would like from it all. Then proceed.
I think its great you are looking for closure. That is a great place to be. You can get that as you are now ready for it, recognize it, and soon you will move on from it. I understand that. I've closed several deals in my life, and that seams how it works. Just letting you know from my perch it sounds good! lol...
You should go see a dentist. It may not be anything to worry about, but on the same hand you are young, and you want to keep your natural teeth as long as you can.
I also get the fear!!! I go in November. Oh and spending money on your health is making a investment in yourself. Just like doing this program.
I am on the road to recovery. There will be obstacles which I will deal with as they arise. I am moving in the right direction. I must feel the discomfort and see that it will not hurt me
doin ok today.....counselor was here this morning...I can actually see that I am changing some of my ways of thinking....instead of just running from my anxiety I am beginning to rationally understand it and even at times battle it.....sometimes it feels like Im not making an process, but today I can see that I actually am
Mike
thanks for reminding me that the negative thoughts are not me only negstive behaviors that I am working on changing and that the body symptoms are only that, body symptoms, nothing else
yes, I met my online friend in person...he is a really nice guy and I do like him when talking with my counselor, I have come to the realization that I am still struggling with my "worthiness" to be with someone good for me, and my hesitation from the hurt I experienced before...I know that I must move forward....so I am going to work on this and give this guy a chance
I think our suggestions and responses back and forth about medical issues were practice and growing situations for both of us...we both were able to use some new skills we need to practice on each other and get feedback....dont ever worry about giving me feedback, I will always take it constructively and not let it get to me personally......I know that you are only trying to help me out and would never intentionally say hurtful things to me
I also am sometimes worried about getting by financially, but somehow something always gets me through it....someone or something is watching out for us
hope you are having a good day!!
doin ok today.....counselor was here this morning...I can actually see that I am changing some of my ways of thinking....instead of just running from my anxiety I am beginning to rationally understand it and even at times battle it.....sometimes it feels like Im not making an process, but today I can see that I actually am
Mike
thanks for reminding me that the negative thoughts are not me only negstive behaviors that I am working on changing and that the body symptoms are only that, body symptoms, nothing else
yes, I met my online friend in person...he is a really nice guy and I do like him
when talking with my counselor, I have come to the realization that I am still struggling with my "worthiness" to be with someone good for me, and my hesitation from the hurt I experienced before...I know that I must move forward....so I am going to work on this and give this guy a chance I think our suggestions and responses back and forth about medical issues were practice and growing situations for both of us...we both were able to use some new skills we need to practice on each other and get feedback....dont ever worry about giving me feedback, I will always take it constructively and not let it get to me personally......I know that you are only trying to help me out and would never intentionally say hurtful things to me
I also am sometimes worried about getting by financially, but somehow something always gets me through it....someone or something is watching out for us
hope you are having a good day!!
I am on the road to recovery. There will be obstacles which I will deal with as they arise. I am moving in the right direction. I must feel the discomfort and see that it will not hurt me.
THH
Thanks for the support.......I should have told her I would have met her half-way...that would have been a more realistic goal....everything is good with her now
wow....that example of the cabinets is awesome.....I never thought about it like that before...but it does really show how much of what we do is on habit......so why would there be any difference with the anxiety....we are in such a habit of putting ourselves down that it will take alot of practice to change that habit....I am going to remember that example to remind myself to be realistic thanks!!
no news is good news..Im just so impressed with how well you are handling the waiting for results....the nurses there would be hating me for calling all the time lol...it is so great to have a doctor that understands...it eases our mind so much....
a bit breezy today, but Im loving the weather
hope you are also!!
THH
Thanks for the support.......I should have told her I would have met her half-way...that would have been a more realistic goal....everything is good with her now
wow....that example of the cabinets is awesome.....I never thought about it like that before...but it does really show how much of what we do is on habit......so why would there be any difference with the anxiety....we are in such a habit of putting ourselves down that it will take alot of practice to change that habit....I am going to remember that example to remind myself to be realistic
thanks!!no news is good news..Im just so impressed with how well you are handling the waiting for results....the nurses there would be hating me for calling all the time lol...it is so great to have a doctor that understands...it eases our mind so much....
a bit breezy today, but Im loving the weather
hope you are also!!
-
NinjaFrodo
- Posts: 1263
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am
THH;
ha you can't wait till monday...thats the opposite opinion for alot of people.
I'm going to incorporate that kinda mindset as well. I can't run away from things I need to do until I feel better.
I hope she does too, it mostly depends on me and how much time I spend treating her. It can be very very draining for me though.
Thats an idea with my sister. The facebook thing doesn't seem like a good idea either because I don't know if she will even get it or check it. Face to face is the best and hopefully I get that but if I have to go other routes then I will too. Honestly we never really got along at all and my life has been alot better since she hasn't been in it. Any relationship is there to magnify emotions and 80% of the emotions magnified in that brother-sister relationship has been negative. Its not worth it. She does have the ability to change but I'm not sure I care anymore.
I did go to the dentist today and I was relieved because she said it was just deposits and a cleaning would take care of it. I also have some cavities too in the teeth in the back of my mouth. Luckily for me I have dental coverage cuz of the Disability i'm on.
My one instructor was talking about this one guy who actually grew a tooth back, crazy eh? But anything is possible. I'm going to try growing a tooth back (I had one removed a little while ago). That would be an amazing example of how powerful the mind is, if it does work that is.
Karen L;
Yay for progress! Yay for changing, that is wonderful news! This is also a post you might want to come back to when you feel you aren't making process. This proves that feeling and fact are 2 diffrent things. Thinking that something is the way it is because you feel that way is just an irrational thought that fits in the emotional reasoning cognitive distortion category.
Sounds good, it would definately be a good idea to re-evaluate your expectations every now and then when it comes to this guy. Go back and listen to lesson 4 if need be.
I'm glad you noticed that, I had thought that way too. I'm glad because I'm afraid of hurting people. That was one of the first irrational expectations I had that lead me to depression. I'm still working on it. You were being assertive too and that was good!
Ya its crazy how things just workout eh?
Mike
ha you can't wait till monday...thats the opposite opinion for alot of people.
I'm going to incorporate that kinda mindset as well. I can't run away from things I need to do until I feel better.
I hope she does too, it mostly depends on me and how much time I spend treating her. It can be very very draining for me though.
Thats an idea with my sister. The facebook thing doesn't seem like a good idea either because I don't know if she will even get it or check it. Face to face is the best and hopefully I get that but if I have to go other routes then I will too. Honestly we never really got along at all and my life has been alot better since she hasn't been in it. Any relationship is there to magnify emotions and 80% of the emotions magnified in that brother-sister relationship has been negative. Its not worth it. She does have the ability to change but I'm not sure I care anymore.
I did go to the dentist today and I was relieved because she said it was just deposits and a cleaning would take care of it. I also have some cavities too in the teeth in the back of my mouth. Luckily for me I have dental coverage cuz of the Disability i'm on.
My one instructor was talking about this one guy who actually grew a tooth back, crazy eh? But anything is possible. I'm going to try growing a tooth back (I had one removed a little while ago). That would be an amazing example of how powerful the mind is, if it does work that is.
Karen L;
Yay for progress! Yay for changing, that is wonderful news! This is also a post you might want to come back to when you feel you aren't making process. This proves that feeling and fact are 2 diffrent things. Thinking that something is the way it is because you feel that way is just an irrational thought that fits in the emotional reasoning cognitive distortion category.
Sounds good, it would definately be a good idea to re-evaluate your expectations every now and then when it comes to this guy. Go back and listen to lesson 4 if need be.
I'm glad you noticed that, I had thought that way too. I'm glad because I'm afraid of hurting people. That was one of the first irrational expectations I had that lead me to depression. I'm still working on it. You were being assertive too and that was good!
Ya its crazy how things just workout eh?
Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
-
NinjaFrodo
- Posts: 1263
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am
Ok here is the Verbal Judo I had mentioned that I was going to bring up! So exciting, I actually had a dream last night where I was using these techniques after some lady was being really rude with her mother. So wierd how I'm getting practice in my sleep and not too much in person! Anyways there are 3 parts to this with examples, I really hope you guys find this helpful. I am quoting the book word for word but I have taken out many sentences and paragraphs and put only the most useful stuff in my opinion. Enjoy!
This is dedicated to mcshope but everybody can get use out of this, it is open for everybody!
Verbal Judo: Learn to talk back when you're under the fire of criticism
Frequently your inner criticism will be triggered by someone else's sharp remark.
->You may dread criticism simply because you never learned effective techniques for handling it. Handle verbal abuse and disapproval non-defensively and without a loss of self-esteem.
many depressive episodes are set in motion by external criticism. Even psychiatrists who are supposedly professional abuse-takers, can react adversely to criticism. [Overcoming your fear of criticism will require a moderate ammount of proactice. But it is not difficult to develop and master this skill, and the positive impact on your self-esteem will be tremendous]
It isn't other people or the critical comments they make that upset you. There has never been a single time in your life when the critical comments of some other person upset you-even to a small extent. No matter how vicious, heartless or cruel these comments may be, they have no power to disturb you or to create even a little bit of discomfort. Only one person in this world has the power to put you down and you are that person, no one else!
When someone else criticizes you, certain negative thoughts are automatically triggered in your head. Your emotional reaction will be created by these thoughts and not by what the other person says. The thoughts which upset you will invariably contain the same types of cognitive distortions: Overgeneralization, All-or-nothing, mental filter, labeling, ect
1)Learn to identify the negative thoughts you have when you are being criticized.
2)Write down rational responses that are more reasonable and less upsetting
Example;Art, a psychiatrist got criticism from supervisor after a patient complained that he said some comments which were abrasive
Automatic Thoughts (Self-criticism)
1)Oh, God! The truth is out about me, Even the patients can see what a worthless, insensitive individual I am.
2)They'll probabbly kick me out of the residency program
Rational Responses (self-defense)
1)Just because one patient complains it doesn't mean that I am a "worthless insensitive individual." The majority of my patients do, in fact, like me. Making a mistake doesn't reveal my "true essence." Everyone is entitled to make mistakes.
2)This is silly and rests on several erroneous assumptoins; a)all I do is bad things; b)I have no capacity to grow. Since a and b are absurd, it is extremely unlikely my position here is threatened. I have on many occasions received praise from my supervisor.
Art's thoughts. His panic was the result of his catastrophic interpretation; "This criticism shows how worthless I am"
Cognitive distortions;
Jumping to conclusions; He concludes the patient's criticism is valid and reasonable. It may or may not be the case
Overgeneralization; he unrealistically predicted he would be rejected and ruined professionally because he would repeatedly make the same error with that paitent
Magnification; He is exaggerating the importance of whatever he actually said to the patient that may have been undiplomatic
Disqualifying positive; Overlooked his numerous other therapeutic successes
Fortunte teller error; He assumes that he couldn't do anything to correct his errors in his behavior.
Mental filter; Focuses exclusively on his error
Labeling; Identified with his erroneous behavior and concluded he was a "worthless and insensitive human being"
As art learned to thinkg about the situation in a more realistic manner, he stopped wasting mental and emotional effort in catastrophizing and was abel to channel his energy into creative, goal-oriented problem solving. After evaluating precisely what he had said that was offensive or hurtful, he was able to take steps to modify his clinical style with patients so as to minimize further similar mistakes. He increased in clinical skills and maturity and gave him self-confidence a boots and helped him overcome his fear of being imperfect.
When people criticize you, the comments they make will either be right (No reason to feel overwhelmed. You aren't expected to be perfect. Acknowledge your error and take steps to correct it) or wrong (Nothing for you to be upset about, it is the other guy's error not yours. Why upset yourself? Did you expect other people to be perfect?
Your fear of criticism might stem from the need of love and approval of other people in order to be happy and worthwhile. The problem is you will have to devote all your energies to trying to please people, and you won't have much left for creative, productive living. paradoxically, many people may find you less interesting and desireable than your more self-assured friends.
Only your thoughts can upset you and if you learn to think more realisticaclly, you will feel less upset.
Right now, write down the negative thoughts that ordinarily go through your head when someone criticizes you. Identify the distortions and sub in more objective rational responses. This will help you feel less angry and threatened.
(techniques in next couple of posts)
This is dedicated to mcshope but everybody can get use out of this, it is open for everybody!
Verbal Judo: Learn to talk back when you're under the fire of criticism
Frequently your inner criticism will be triggered by someone else's sharp remark.
->You may dread criticism simply because you never learned effective techniques for handling it. Handle verbal abuse and disapproval non-defensively and without a loss of self-esteem.
many depressive episodes are set in motion by external criticism. Even psychiatrists who are supposedly professional abuse-takers, can react adversely to criticism. [Overcoming your fear of criticism will require a moderate ammount of proactice. But it is not difficult to develop and master this skill, and the positive impact on your self-esteem will be tremendous]
It isn't other people or the critical comments they make that upset you. There has never been a single time in your life when the critical comments of some other person upset you-even to a small extent. No matter how vicious, heartless or cruel these comments may be, they have no power to disturb you or to create even a little bit of discomfort. Only one person in this world has the power to put you down and you are that person, no one else!
When someone else criticizes you, certain negative thoughts are automatically triggered in your head. Your emotional reaction will be created by these thoughts and not by what the other person says. The thoughts which upset you will invariably contain the same types of cognitive distortions: Overgeneralization, All-or-nothing, mental filter, labeling, ect
1)Learn to identify the negative thoughts you have when you are being criticized.
2)Write down rational responses that are more reasonable and less upsetting
Example;Art, a psychiatrist got criticism from supervisor after a patient complained that he said some comments which were abrasive
Automatic Thoughts (Self-criticism)
1)Oh, God! The truth is out about me, Even the patients can see what a worthless, insensitive individual I am.
2)They'll probabbly kick me out of the residency program
Rational Responses (self-defense)
1)Just because one patient complains it doesn't mean that I am a "worthless insensitive individual." The majority of my patients do, in fact, like me. Making a mistake doesn't reveal my "true essence." Everyone is entitled to make mistakes.
2)This is silly and rests on several erroneous assumptoins; a)all I do is bad things; b)I have no capacity to grow. Since a and b are absurd, it is extremely unlikely my position here is threatened. I have on many occasions received praise from my supervisor.
Art's thoughts. His panic was the result of his catastrophic interpretation; "This criticism shows how worthless I am"
Cognitive distortions;
Jumping to conclusions; He concludes the patient's criticism is valid and reasonable. It may or may not be the case
Overgeneralization; he unrealistically predicted he would be rejected and ruined professionally because he would repeatedly make the same error with that paitent
Magnification; He is exaggerating the importance of whatever he actually said to the patient that may have been undiplomatic
Disqualifying positive; Overlooked his numerous other therapeutic successes
Fortunte teller error; He assumes that he couldn't do anything to correct his errors in his behavior.
Mental filter; Focuses exclusively on his error
Labeling; Identified with his erroneous behavior and concluded he was a "worthless and insensitive human being"
As art learned to thinkg about the situation in a more realistic manner, he stopped wasting mental and emotional effort in catastrophizing and was abel to channel his energy into creative, goal-oriented problem solving. After evaluating precisely what he had said that was offensive or hurtful, he was able to take steps to modify his clinical style with patients so as to minimize further similar mistakes. He increased in clinical skills and maturity and gave him self-confidence a boots and helped him overcome his fear of being imperfect.
When people criticize you, the comments they make will either be right (No reason to feel overwhelmed. You aren't expected to be perfect. Acknowledge your error and take steps to correct it) or wrong (Nothing for you to be upset about, it is the other guy's error not yours. Why upset yourself? Did you expect other people to be perfect?
Your fear of criticism might stem from the need of love and approval of other people in order to be happy and worthwhile. The problem is you will have to devote all your energies to trying to please people, and you won't have much left for creative, productive living. paradoxically, many people may find you less interesting and desireable than your more self-assured friends.
Only your thoughts can upset you and if you learn to think more realisticaclly, you will feel less upset.
Right now, write down the negative thoughts that ordinarily go through your head when someone criticizes you. Identify the distortions and sub in more objective rational responses. This will help you feel less angry and threatened.
(techniques in next couple of posts)
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
-
NinjaFrodo
- Posts: 1263
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am
1)Empathy 2)Disarming the critic 3)Feedback-negotiation
[The above are the 3 techniques to use for criticism in that order]
Step one-Empathy
When someone is criticizing you, his(or her) motives may be to help you or to hurt you. What the critic says might be right, wrong or in between.
Ask a person a series of specific questions designed to find out exactly what he or she means.
Try to avoid being judgemental or defensive as you ask.
Constantly ask for more and more specific information
Attempt to see the world through the critic's eyes
If the person attacks you with vague, insulting labes, ask him/her to be more specific and to point out exactly what it is about you the person dislikes. This initial maneuver can itself go a long way to getting the critic off your back, and will help transform an attack-defense interaction into one of collaboration and mutual respect
Roleplaying
Used to model the particular skill dealing with criticism
Imagine you are the angry critic. Say the most brutal and upsetting thing to me you can think of. What you say can be true, false or partly both. I will respond to each of your assults with the empathy technique.
You:(Playing the role of the angry critic) Dr. Burns, you're a no-good s***
David:What about me is s***ty?
You:Everything you say and do. You're insensitive, self-centered and incompetent
David:Let's take each of these. I want you to try to be specific. Appearently I've done or said a number of things that upset you. Just what did I say that sounded insensitive? What gave you the impression I was self-centered? What did I do that seemed incompetent?
You:When I called to change my appointment the other day, you sounded rushed and irraitable, as if you were in a big hurry and didn't give a damn about me.
David:Okay, I came across in a rushed, uncaring way on the phone. What else have I done that irritated you?
You:You always seem to hurry me out at the end of the session-just like this was a big production line to make money.
David:Ok, you feel I've been too rushed during sessions as well. I may have given you the impression I'm more interested in your money than in you. What else have I done? Can you think of other ways I might have goofed up or offended you?
By asking you specific questions I minimize the possibility that you will reject me completely. You and I become aware of some specific concrete problems that we can deal with. Furthermore, I am giving you your day in court by listening to you so as to understand the situation as you see it. This tends to defuse any anger and hostility and introduces a problem-solving orientation in the place of blame casting or debate.
Remember that even if you feel the criticism is totally unjust, respond with empathy by asking specific questions. Find out precisely what your critic means.
If the person is very hot under the collar, he or she may be hurtling labels at you, perhaps even obscenities. Nevertheless, ask for more information.
-Why does this person call you a "no good s***?"
-How did you offend this individual?
-What did you do?
-When did you do it?
-How often have you done it?
-What else does the person dislike about you?
Find out what your action means to him/her
[The above are the 3 techniques to use for criticism in that order]
Step one-Empathy
When someone is criticizing you, his(or her) motives may be to help you or to hurt you. What the critic says might be right, wrong or in between.
Ask a person a series of specific questions designed to find out exactly what he or she means.
Try to avoid being judgemental or defensive as you ask.
Constantly ask for more and more specific information
Attempt to see the world through the critic's eyes
If the person attacks you with vague, insulting labes, ask him/her to be more specific and to point out exactly what it is about you the person dislikes. This initial maneuver can itself go a long way to getting the critic off your back, and will help transform an attack-defense interaction into one of collaboration and mutual respect
Roleplaying
Used to model the particular skill dealing with criticism
Imagine you are the angry critic. Say the most brutal and upsetting thing to me you can think of. What you say can be true, false or partly both. I will respond to each of your assults with the empathy technique.
You:(Playing the role of the angry critic) Dr. Burns, you're a no-good s***
David:What about me is s***ty?
You:Everything you say and do. You're insensitive, self-centered and incompetent
David:Let's take each of these. I want you to try to be specific. Appearently I've done or said a number of things that upset you. Just what did I say that sounded insensitive? What gave you the impression I was self-centered? What did I do that seemed incompetent?
You:When I called to change my appointment the other day, you sounded rushed and irraitable, as if you were in a big hurry and didn't give a damn about me.
David:Okay, I came across in a rushed, uncaring way on the phone. What else have I done that irritated you?
You:You always seem to hurry me out at the end of the session-just like this was a big production line to make money.
David:Ok, you feel I've been too rushed during sessions as well. I may have given you the impression I'm more interested in your money than in you. What else have I done? Can you think of other ways I might have goofed up or offended you?
By asking you specific questions I minimize the possibility that you will reject me completely. You and I become aware of some specific concrete problems that we can deal with. Furthermore, I am giving you your day in court by listening to you so as to understand the situation as you see it. This tends to defuse any anger and hostility and introduces a problem-solving orientation in the place of blame casting or debate.
Remember that even if you feel the criticism is totally unjust, respond with empathy by asking specific questions. Find out precisely what your critic means.
If the person is very hot under the collar, he or she may be hurtling labels at you, perhaps even obscenities. Nevertheless, ask for more information.
-Why does this person call you a "no good s***?"
-How did you offend this individual?
-What did you do?
-When did you do it?
-How often have you done it?
-What else does the person dislike about you?
Find out what your action means to him/her
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
-
NinjaFrodo
- Posts: 1263
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am
1)Empathy 2)Disarming the critic 3)Feedback-negotiation
Disarming the critic
If someone is shooting at you, you have 3 choices;
1)You can stand and shoot back which leads to warfare and mutual destruction
2)Run away or try to dodge the bullets which leads to humiliation and loss of self-esteem
3)Stay put and disarm your opponent which is most satisfying and when you take the wind out of the other person's sails you end up the winner and your opponent more often than not will also feel like a winner
Lets assume the critic is primarily correct. In the previous example when you angrily accused me of sounding rushed and indiffrent on several occasions, I might go on to say;
"You're absolutely right. I was rushed when you called, and I probabbly did sound impersonal. Other people have also pointed this out to me at times. I want to emphasize that I didn't intend to hurt your feelings. You're also right that we have been rushed during several of our sessions. You might recall that sessions can be any length you like, as long as we decide this ahead of time so that the schedualing can be appropriately adjusted. Perhaps you'd like to shcedual sessions that are 15-30minutes longer, and see if that's more comfortable."
Suppose the criticisms feel unfair and not valid. What if it would be unrealistic for you to change?
How can you agree with someone when you feel certain that what is being said is utter non-sense?
1)Agree in principle with the criticism
2)Find some grain of truth in the statement and agree with that or
3)Acknowledge that the person's upset is understandble because it is based on how he/she views the situation
Continued role play
This time things are primarily false.
The rules;
1)I must find some way to agree with whatever you say
2)Avoid sarcasm or defensiveness
3)Always speak the truth
It doesn't matter how bizaare or ruthless you'd like to be.
You:Dr. Burns, you're a s***.
David:I feel that way at times. I often goof up at things.
You:This cognitive therapy is no damn good!
David:There's certainly plenty of room for improvement
You;And you're stupid.
David:There are lots of people who are brighter than I am. I'm sure not the smartest person in the world.
You:You have no real feelings for your patients. Your approach to therapy is superficial and gimmicky.
David:I'm not always as warm and open as I'd like to be. Some of my methods might seem gimmicky at first.
You:you're not a real psychiatrist. This book is pure trash. You're not trustworthy or competent to manage my case.
David:I'm terribly sorry I seem incompetent to you. It must be quite disturbing to you.You seem to find it difficult to trust me, and you are genuinely skeptical about weather we can work together effectively. You're absolutely right - we can't work together successfully unless we have a sense of mutual respect and teamwork.
The critic will usually lose steam. Because I do not fight back but instead find a way to agree with my opponent, the person quickly seems to run out of ammunition, having been successfully disarmed. This might seem like a winning by avoiding battles.
As the critic begins to calm down, he or she will be in a better mood to communicate.
Once I have demonstrated these first 2 steps to a patient in the office, I usually propose we reverse roles to give the patient the chance to master the method. Lets do this.
Mental exercise
I will criticize and attack you now, and you will practice the empathy and make up your own answers. Then see how closely they are accurate or nonsensical. To make the follwing dialogue a more useful exercise, cover up the responses called "You" and make up your own answers. See how closely they correspond with what I have written. Remember to ask questions using the empathy method and find valid ways to agree with me using the disarming technique.
David:You're not here to get better. You're just looking for sympathy.
You:What gives you the impression I'm just looking for sympathy?
David:You don't do anything to help yourself between sessions. All you want to do is come here and complain.
You:It's true that I haven't been doing some of the written homework you suggested. Do you feel I shouldn't complain during sessions?
David:You can do whatever you want. Just admit you don't give a damn.
You: You mean you think I don't want to get better, or what?
David:You're no good! you're just a piece of garbadge!
You:I've been feeling that way for years! Do you have some ideas about what I can do to feel diffrently?
David:I give up, you win.
You:You're right. I did win.
Suggestion->Practice this with a friend. The role-playing format will hlep you master the necessary skills needed when a real situation arises.
You may als write out imaginary dialogues between you and a hostile critic, similar to the ones you've been reading. After each insult/criticism, write down how you might answer using he empathy and disarming technique.
You will notice you have a profound almost irresistable tendency to defend yourself when you are unjustly accused. If you give into this tendency, you will find that the intensity of your opponent's attack increase.
Defending = More ammunition for the critic
Example;
David will defend himself against your absurd accusations
You:Dr. Burns, you don't care about your patients
David: That's untrue and unfair. You don't know what you're talking about! My patients respect all the hard work I put in.
You: Well, here's one who doesn't! Good-bye! (you exit, having decided to fire me. My defensivness leads to a total loss)
In contrast If I respond with empathy and disarm your hostility, more often than not you will feel I am listening to you and respecting you. As a result you lose your want to do battle and quiet down. This paves the way for feedback and negotiation.
You may revert bacck to old habits, you aren't expected to learn this overnight, and you don't have to win every battle. It is important to analyze your mistakes and learn from them and figure out how you might have handled them diffrently.
It can be immensely helpful to find a friend to role-play the difficult situation with you afterward. You can practice a variety of responses until you have mastered an approach you are comfortable with.
Disarming the critic
If someone is shooting at you, you have 3 choices;
1)You can stand and shoot back which leads to warfare and mutual destruction
2)Run away or try to dodge the bullets which leads to humiliation and loss of self-esteem
3)Stay put and disarm your opponent which is most satisfying and when you take the wind out of the other person's sails you end up the winner and your opponent more often than not will also feel like a winner
Lets assume the critic is primarily correct. In the previous example when you angrily accused me of sounding rushed and indiffrent on several occasions, I might go on to say;
"You're absolutely right. I was rushed when you called, and I probabbly did sound impersonal. Other people have also pointed this out to me at times. I want to emphasize that I didn't intend to hurt your feelings. You're also right that we have been rushed during several of our sessions. You might recall that sessions can be any length you like, as long as we decide this ahead of time so that the schedualing can be appropriately adjusted. Perhaps you'd like to shcedual sessions that are 15-30minutes longer, and see if that's more comfortable."
Suppose the criticisms feel unfair and not valid. What if it would be unrealistic for you to change?
How can you agree with someone when you feel certain that what is being said is utter non-sense?
1)Agree in principle with the criticism
2)Find some grain of truth in the statement and agree with that or
3)Acknowledge that the person's upset is understandble because it is based on how he/she views the situation
Continued role play
This time things are primarily false.
The rules;
1)I must find some way to agree with whatever you say
2)Avoid sarcasm or defensiveness
3)Always speak the truth
It doesn't matter how bizaare or ruthless you'd like to be.
You:Dr. Burns, you're a s***.
David:I feel that way at times. I often goof up at things.
You:This cognitive therapy is no damn good!
David:There's certainly plenty of room for improvement
You;And you're stupid.
David:There are lots of people who are brighter than I am. I'm sure not the smartest person in the world.
You:You have no real feelings for your patients. Your approach to therapy is superficial and gimmicky.
David:I'm not always as warm and open as I'd like to be. Some of my methods might seem gimmicky at first.
You:you're not a real psychiatrist. This book is pure trash. You're not trustworthy or competent to manage my case.
David:I'm terribly sorry I seem incompetent to you. It must be quite disturbing to you.You seem to find it difficult to trust me, and you are genuinely skeptical about weather we can work together effectively. You're absolutely right - we can't work together successfully unless we have a sense of mutual respect and teamwork.
The critic will usually lose steam. Because I do not fight back but instead find a way to agree with my opponent, the person quickly seems to run out of ammunition, having been successfully disarmed. This might seem like a winning by avoiding battles.
As the critic begins to calm down, he or she will be in a better mood to communicate.
Once I have demonstrated these first 2 steps to a patient in the office, I usually propose we reverse roles to give the patient the chance to master the method. Lets do this.
Mental exercise
I will criticize and attack you now, and you will practice the empathy and make up your own answers. Then see how closely they are accurate or nonsensical. To make the follwing dialogue a more useful exercise, cover up the responses called "You" and make up your own answers. See how closely they correspond with what I have written. Remember to ask questions using the empathy method and find valid ways to agree with me using the disarming technique.
David:You're not here to get better. You're just looking for sympathy.
You:What gives you the impression I'm just looking for sympathy?
David:You don't do anything to help yourself between sessions. All you want to do is come here and complain.
You:It's true that I haven't been doing some of the written homework you suggested. Do you feel I shouldn't complain during sessions?
David:You can do whatever you want. Just admit you don't give a damn.
You: You mean you think I don't want to get better, or what?
David:You're no good! you're just a piece of garbadge!
You:I've been feeling that way for years! Do you have some ideas about what I can do to feel diffrently?
David:I give up, you win.
You:You're right. I did win.
Suggestion->Practice this with a friend. The role-playing format will hlep you master the necessary skills needed when a real situation arises.
You may als write out imaginary dialogues between you and a hostile critic, similar to the ones you've been reading. After each insult/criticism, write down how you might answer using he empathy and disarming technique.
You will notice you have a profound almost irresistable tendency to defend yourself when you are unjustly accused. If you give into this tendency, you will find that the intensity of your opponent's attack increase.
Defending = More ammunition for the critic
Example;
David will defend himself against your absurd accusations
You:Dr. Burns, you don't care about your patients
David: That's untrue and unfair. You don't know what you're talking about! My patients respect all the hard work I put in.
You: Well, here's one who doesn't! Good-bye! (you exit, having decided to fire me. My defensivness leads to a total loss)
In contrast If I respond with empathy and disarm your hostility, more often than not you will feel I am listening to you and respecting you. As a result you lose your want to do battle and quiet down. This paves the way for feedback and negotiation.
You may revert bacck to old habits, you aren't expected to learn this overnight, and you don't have to win every battle. It is important to analyze your mistakes and learn from them and figure out how you might have handled them diffrently.
It can be immensely helpful to find a friend to role-play the difficult situation with you afterward. You can practice a variety of responses until you have mastered an approach you are comfortable with.
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
-
NinjaFrodo
- Posts: 1263
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am
1)Empathy 2)Disarm the critic 3)Feedback-Negotiation
Feedback-Negotiation
After listneing to critic (empathy method), and finding a way to agree with him/her (disarming method), you can then be in a position to explain your position and emotions tactfully and assertively, and to negotiate any real diffrences.
Lets assume the critic is just plain wrong. How do you express this in a non-destructive manner? Simple, express your point of view objectively with an acknowledgement that you might be wrong. Mak the conflict one based on facts rather than personality or pride.
Avoid destructive labels. His/her error doesn't make him/her stupid, worthless or inferior.
Ie;A patient claimed that I sent her a bill for a session for which she had already paid. She assulted me with, "Why don't you get your book keeping straight!" Knowing she was in error, I responded, "my records may indeed be wrong. I seem to recall that you fort your checkbook that day, but I might be confused on this point. I hope you'll allow for the possibility that you or I will make errors at times. Then we can be more relaxed with each other. Why not see if you have a cancelled check? That way we can find out the truth and make appropriate adjustments."
In this case my non-polarizing response allowed her to save face and avoided a confrontation in which her self-respect was at risk. Althought it turned out she was wrong, she later expressed relief that I acknowledged I do make mistakes. As a result she flet better about me as she was afraid I would be as perfectionsistic and demanding with her as she was with herself.
Sometimes you and the critic may differ not on a matter of fact but of taste. Once again, you will be a winner if you present your point of view with diplomacy.
Ie; I feel most comfortable in a suit and tie, or in a sports coat and tie. Suppose a patient criticizes me because my clothes are too formal and this is irritating cuz it makes me appaear to be part of the "establishment"
->After eliciting further specific information about other things this person might dislike about, I could then respond, "I can certainly agree with you that suits are a bit formal. You would be more comfortable with me if I dressed more casually. I'm sure you'll understand that after dressing in a variety of ways, I have found that a nice suit or sports coat is most acceptable to the majority of the people I work with, and that's why I've decided to stikc with this style of dressing. I'm hopeful you won't let this interfere with our continued work together."
If they continue, making the same point again and again, you can simply repeat your assertive response politely but firmly over and over until the person tires out.
ie. If the person continued to insist I stop wearing suits, I might continue to say each time, "I understand your point entirely, and there is some truth to it. Nevertheless, I've decided to stick with more formal attire at this time."
In this case negotiating and compromise are indicated. You may have to settle for part of what you want. But if you consciously applied the empathy and disarming techniques first, you will probabbly get more of what you want.
In many cases you will just be plain wrong, and the critic will be right. The person's respect will increase if you assertively agree with the criticism, that the perosn for providing you with the information, and appologize for any hurt you might have caused.
Mike
Feedback-Negotiation
After listneing to critic (empathy method), and finding a way to agree with him/her (disarming method), you can then be in a position to explain your position and emotions tactfully and assertively, and to negotiate any real diffrences.
Lets assume the critic is just plain wrong. How do you express this in a non-destructive manner? Simple, express your point of view objectively with an acknowledgement that you might be wrong. Mak the conflict one based on facts rather than personality or pride.
Avoid destructive labels. His/her error doesn't make him/her stupid, worthless or inferior.
Ie;A patient claimed that I sent her a bill for a session for which she had already paid. She assulted me with, "Why don't you get your book keeping straight!" Knowing she was in error, I responded, "my records may indeed be wrong. I seem to recall that you fort your checkbook that day, but I might be confused on this point. I hope you'll allow for the possibility that you or I will make errors at times. Then we can be more relaxed with each other. Why not see if you have a cancelled check? That way we can find out the truth and make appropriate adjustments."
In this case my non-polarizing response allowed her to save face and avoided a confrontation in which her self-respect was at risk. Althought it turned out she was wrong, she later expressed relief that I acknowledged I do make mistakes. As a result she flet better about me as she was afraid I would be as perfectionsistic and demanding with her as she was with herself.
Sometimes you and the critic may differ not on a matter of fact but of taste. Once again, you will be a winner if you present your point of view with diplomacy.
Ie; I feel most comfortable in a suit and tie, or in a sports coat and tie. Suppose a patient criticizes me because my clothes are too formal and this is irritating cuz it makes me appaear to be part of the "establishment"
->After eliciting further specific information about other things this person might dislike about, I could then respond, "I can certainly agree with you that suits are a bit formal. You would be more comfortable with me if I dressed more casually. I'm sure you'll understand that after dressing in a variety of ways, I have found that a nice suit or sports coat is most acceptable to the majority of the people I work with, and that's why I've decided to stikc with this style of dressing. I'm hopeful you won't let this interfere with our continued work together."
If they continue, making the same point again and again, you can simply repeat your assertive response politely but firmly over and over until the person tires out.
ie. If the person continued to insist I stop wearing suits, I might continue to say each time, "I understand your point entirely, and there is some truth to it. Nevertheless, I've decided to stick with more formal attire at this time."
In this case negotiating and compromise are indicated. You may have to settle for part of what you want. But if you consciously applied the empathy and disarming techniques first, you will probabbly get more of what you want.
In many cases you will just be plain wrong, and the critic will be right. The person's respect will increase if you assertively agree with the criticism, that the perosn for providing you with the information, and appologize for any hurt you might have caused.
Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/