Post
by BABL » Sun Oct 24, 2010 11:58 am
I have also had very low self-esteem forever. People think I'm so sweet and kind - they do not realize that underneath that everpresent smile on my face lies much anxiousness, uncomfortableness, fear of others. I don't know where this came from. My parents were just everyday, ordinary people. Mom was not affirming, but we were not beaten nor abused in any way. I'd really like to talk with others here - since I don't talk to anyone about this problem, even my husband. He is a very good man, but we've never really had a good conversationalist relationship because I've never been able to converse. I don't feel really close to him - isn't that strange - but he's always there and I'm always here. We don't do anything together, never had. When the kids were little, they came first. He worked hard at a factory and I stayed home with the little ones, doing income taxes out of my home during the tax season. I was on the PTA board, school building committee,room mother every single year for 20 years, treasurer of our small town's city clerk's office (I could do that at home - it only took several days out of a month), did everything at church - parish council, teacher, religious ed director, women's group officer - lalalalalala. I could no longer take my church telling me that "I am not worthy." Bugged the heck out of me, I stopped going to church about a year before we left. Friends, people did not understand. I tried to explain it to my close friends, but they could not understand... Then, we left it all behind because I just had to get out of there - moved to a different state, closer to my husband's family - he deserved that finally... I had 3 very good friends back home who were mothers and wives like me. At the end, I unwittingly, subtly pushed them aside - no hard feelings, just distancing myself. Then, I just had to get out of there - people were shocked, we moved, the raising of the family was done... I work full time here, am good at my job, but keep an arm's length away from co-workers and have met very few people otherwise - no friends, no relationships... No interests, no pleasure - that's me - and just now, today, that realization is unsettling....