internalizing loneliness and being single

cuttingirl · Post by **cuttingirl** » Mon Oct 04, 2010 7:41 am

I have been single since separating from my ex-fiancee for over two years now. I've had a few dating relationships, but nothing serious or lasting and some disastous. I've come a long way overcoming anxiety and depression and low self-esteem. But being single, in my 30's, and having been dumped/ rejected/ not called back by the last 5 or 6 men I've been out with, well, it does a number on one's self-esteem. People tell me lots of things-- how beautiful I am, how much I have to offer, but the facts are the same-- that I'm single, lonely, and the loneliness transforms into desperation sometimes. I'm not really sure what I'm asking for here, I just wonder if anyone has any thoughts on this subject. I would love to love someone and be loved.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Oct 04, 2010 6:14 pm

I know what your feeling. I have been single and without female contact for almost 6 years. Over this time I've come to realize that happiness and fulfillment are not reliant on relationships. I had to learn to be comfortable with myself and confident that I can accomplish in life what I desire with or without having someone at my side. I know the feeling of desperation when a problem appears and long for someone close to talk to. I pray in those moments because I know God can hear me even though I can't see him. However, we are social creatures and will always desire the company of others. I feel your struggle everyday and it only makes me realize more and more that family and friends are important. Don't let the loneliness get to you. Get out and meet people, volunteering is a great way to be around people. I live in a small town and meeting people can be hard so I know this can be an issue for some. Loneliness can be overwhelming but relationships can crush a person and leave life long scars, I know I have them too. I personally live by this way of thinking: I will learn to live as a single guy and not stress searching for a mate, I will wait as long as I have to to meet a compatible person, and forgo any obvious incompatibility. This may sound like I have hardened myself to avoid any future heartbreaks but that is not the case. Approach relationships with the opposite sex with logic and reason and always start out as friends. People move so fast nowadays, they don't let a relationship build enough before jumping into the intimacy. Call me old fashioned, but that's just my thinking.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Oct 05, 2010 1:56 am

I had SO many dating disasters prior to meeting my current boyfriend and a lot of rejection thrown in there as well. It's funny how NOW I can look back and think how distorted my thoughts were about being worthless and hopeless. I certainly know how that feels after many bad experiences and can completely sympathize with what you're going through. This is really when positive dialoging comes in because I'm sure half the things you say to yourself aren't true. I agree with others, get out and start doing things you enjoy, this will just add more happiness to your life and then you don't have to be so focused on finding someone.

I finally met my boyfriend on Eharmony and now it's as if none of that awful stuff existed. You will meet someone wonderful in the future, but for the meantime, focus on yourself. It sounds so cliche but it's true!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Oct 05, 2010 5:49 pm

Wonderful words, you guys! Thank you! I did some positive self-talk and further reflecting and it helped. It's an old pattern really, maybe as old as history itself: getting out of a relationship and months or years later looking at people you know, couples, and wondering what is wrong with me because I'm single. I think you're right, that the key is to change perspective, to forget about it and find something to be passionate about, to make friends. Maybe this sounds overly simple (or overly difficult?) to just stop looking, but not forgetting to keep eyes open but I think worthwhile because I don't want just anybody, I want that special guy. Thinking this way, there is no way I'm going to fall all warm and fuzzy with a little attention for some creepy guy, no matter how much loneliness blurs into desperation. Maybe I'll start writing a journal about the experience of dating, like a science project...

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Oct 22, 2010 6:24 pm

Dear cuttingirl:

GOD BLESS YOU - WISH YOU THE BEST ON YOUR HUNT-PREY.BYE.ANGEL2