The Challenge...Lesson 5

[NinjaFrodo]

mcshope;

I think you did a good job, thank you mcshope for the very great words. I appreciate your willingness to celebrate my birthday with me and your advice to just keep reminding people. I was thinking actually that of course people haven't really planned bdays or anything for me and have avoided me. Many times I give out the wrong impressions and so people just respond to that. I am changing and so are my responses and the impressions I give to other people.

My birthday isn't even until May...its May 6th , its a little far away from now.

It was very stupid for him to do that but its dealt with now and I will use this situation to learn how to respond if it ever comes up with anybody.



Mike

[Karen L]

I am on the road to recovery. There may be speed bumps, wrong turns, traffic, and I may even get lost, but I am moving in the right direction. I am in control of my life and thoughts. I am the one that creates my own anxiety and I can stop it also.

didnt do too much today...slept again for about 8 hours last night....still a bit tired....
today I tried to go to an Alanon meeting...I havent gone in about 8 weeks now....I was very nervous because I have a very hard time crossing the main street to get there.....I did make it there, and was able to stay about 10 minutes...everyone was very glad to see me and very supportive (they know about the anxiety)....the room is very small and warm and it's down a long hall, so no real quick exit (you also have to walk through an AA meeting to get out).....this and my thoughts about my drive from home had me very on edge....
once they started the meeting I just was having a hard time concentrating....then of course I started to think about my ex.....I ended up leaving, but decided to drive around instead of going home....
I started to beat myself up a bit....then changed my thoughts to my ex and last week-end....I ended up calling him but he didnt answer....I guess that is good because I probably was going to fight with him....
anyways, Im still a bit anxious, but am trying to be positive...I did make it to the metting and did stay and talk to everyone....also, I was able to drive around for a bit...

ate way too much sugar this week-end....need to cut down and then get rid of the chocolate...like I said earlier though, it gives me immediate gratification when I am down, angry, or anxious....so this is going to be something I need to work on..
does anyone have any suggestions for quitting smoking?? that is another very bad habit I need to get rid of....


Hope

so glad you are feeling better
I know exactly what you mean about the panicking when I am sick....Im glad you were able to just accept it for what it was and that was it, great job


THH

arent you the busy bee?? lol
I always feel so accomplished when I get things done around the house....glad you had a good productive week-end


Mike

feeling emotions after so many years of not having emotions can be great (and that is such a positive sign)...just remember that with the happy and excited emotions there may be time of sadness and anger....like you had earlier...and that is fine to feel the emotions, but there is no need to get trapped in those emotions...just acknowledge why you are sad or angry and then try to let it go....I know, easier said then done....just remember that was your friend's actions that made you angry and you cant control him or the situation...tomorrow is a new day and it will be better

[NinjaFrodo]

My goals today are acceptance, putting effort towards my skills and interupting negative habits. As long as I follow these goals, I will end up becoming that person I want to be and have that life I desire, that will be inevitable and I don't need to worry about it. I spend my time nourishing my mind and body with positive productive things.

Sunday;

Comment
I mostly took a break today. I had got to bed at 7am and woke up at 11 and felt really aweful. We drank alot last night and getting to bed really late and not having much sleep makes me feel really dizzy and well I felt nauseous. I ended up going back to sleep and then I woke up at like 4pm and felt alot better. I think the next phase is to allow myself to have naps and not really worry so much about a sleep schedual. I think it would be a good thing to do on a temporary basis but not napping for too long when I go and do it.

I also think that I could use some more improvement when it comes to my whole fear of failure issue as well as putting so much emphasis on becoming friends or saying the right things when meeting new people. I'm definately going to work on some more affirmations to help address that.

Also thinking about how easy I can talk to people on the forums as opposed to in person, I think one thing that is really going to help me is to just imagine that feeling as I visualize myself in a social situation with other people. Thats one good thing about our brains. We can change our memory of something by putting ourselves in a specific mental state every time we feel those negative feelings. This is kind of a concept that Tony Robbins talks about were you scramble the memory in a similar way to scratching a record and trying to play it. Everytime you interupt that normal flow of that memory you weaken its emotional stimulation and chemical response. So basically you can do it simply by using the stop sign method which we use for negative thoughts, you can add humor and imagine someone in your memory that is mean and hurtful to be wearing a diaper and sluring their words, or imagine the person to be a garden gnome or something, you could also put yourself in a very good emotional state by thinking of something that made you feel that way and then switch back and forth between the old pattern of thinking and the new one.



Mike

[mcshope]

Hi Mike,
When are we going to start Lesson 6?...
Hope

[NinjaFrodo]

My goals today are acceptance, putting effort towards my skills and interupting negative habits. As long as I follow these goals, I will end up becoming that person I want to be and have that life I desire, that will be inevitable and I don't need to worry about it. I spend my time nourishing my mind and my body with positive productive things.

In response to Karen L;

That was great that you simply got to the meeting. You made an effort to get there despite the anxiety and maybe you stayed for only 10 minutes but you still stayed. You may not have stayed for the whole thing and didn't fulfill your expectations of the attempt or fulfill your goal but you still made a partial accomplishment.

It sounds like you were feeling anxious, faced your limitation, made the anxiety bigger then it really was and then in response your mind basically said "we need to do something to distract her from this anxiety" and what it came up with was your obsessive thoughts and anger about your ex. Your mind created an out for you and an excuse to leave the anxiousness and thats not a bad thing it is just a defense mechanism. Maybe as a suggestion you can make a smaller goal for yourself, something more realistic to your abilities and limitations. Staying for the whole meeting is likely to be very overwhelming just by the sounds of it and you were able to stay for about 10 minutes this time. Next time make a goal to stay for only 11 minutes, if you pass that 11 minutes and you choose to stay longer then you can do that as well. I will guarantee that after you pass that 10 minutes you will feel so good about yourself that you will want to stay longer but don't put that pressure on yourself. It was actually kind of how i handled the situation with that party. I went to my friend's house and was helping him clean and was planning to leave before people got there. an hour before hand I realized I need to go buy some stuff and needed my friend's transit pass so I went and got my stuff and got back to his place and people were already there. I was really anxious because of all the new people but I told my friend I would stay for one beer when he asked if I wanted to meet them. I had that beer and then I had started to mingle a bit and that 1 beer ended up being more than just 1 beer and with exception of leaving and coming back to that party I ended up being at that party from 5pm to 8pm the next day (of course I slept and stuff too). If I had expected myself to stay for the whole party I might have gotten overwhelmed myself. So my advice if you are feeling overwhelmed then ask yourself, am I making this goal too big? Can I make it into something more manageable that will still lead to making progress?

Well with both the sugar issue as well as the smoking issue, when you quit an old habit you need to replace it with a good habit. With the sugar issue, I'd suggest creating a habit of drink at least 1.5L of water a day and eat a small piece of fruit before each meal. You will still get some sugar into your system but it will be natural sugar, its a progression thing. Smoking on the other hand can be a little harder to do, you need both a new habit and a very good reason to quit. I used to smoke years ago and because of this program I quit and my reason was because I convinced myself I wouldn't be able to get through collage if I continued because it was very draining to me. I also figured that nobody would want to have a shiatsu treatment from a smelly therapist.

There is one good thing that comes from smoking (you're probabbly thinking...what there is?). That is the deep inhale. Breathing exercises would be a great habit to start in place of smoking and doing alot of sweating will help to detox it from your body. You will also have many negative thoughts and I definately suggest memorizing that list of cognitive distortions. One of the biggest cognitive distortions that will come into play is mental filtering. The thought will be something like "a cigarette will make me feel good". This is not a negative thought but a positive one...it is still an irrational thought though because you are filtering out the negative. It will make you feel better in the moment but its long term effects are much more destructive.

Also expect your anxiety to increase while you do try to change these habits. You are likely to have more obsessive thoughts about your ex as well. The anger is likely to increase as well. Don't let these things scare you, keep reminding yourself why these feelings are coming up instead of dwelling on them. They can't hurt you they just feel really uncomfortable.

After reading this you might feel less motivated or hopeless but just remember that the harder something is the more accomplished and rewarded you will feel after overcoming it. Focus on the rewards and what you will get by quitting smoking. Make a Pros and Cons list of giving into that habit and make one for not smoking.

Above all else...accept yourself throughout the entire process of changing from a smoker to a non-smoker. Accept the times where you give in and remind yourself that it will happen every now and then because it is a habit but keep your goal in mind and get back on track. Focus on all the minutes you were able to go without a cigarette or focus on all the attempts you have made instead of your short comings. You also will need to distract yourself as best you can from thinking about smoking. I suggest comedy movies and shows, something that will make you laugh and lighten your spirits. Also punching pillows and trying to tear phonebooks in half will help as well. I suggest imagining yourself turning into the incredible hulk while you do it.

I am excited for feeling sadness as wierd as that sounds. Not so much the anger because that was always a very strong emotion for me. Your right dwelling on a negative feeling like that doesn't help and I do need to allow myself to feel a negative feeling and then just let it go. I can't control anybody but I do have the ability to stand up for myself and my rights and I can use this situation in order to grow and improve. I've learned not to just go with a suggestion of other people without questioning it, if it is likely to hurt me. I think partially I am angry at myself for not standing up when he first asked me to leave. I was more considerate towards my friend's idea of perfection then I was towards my own feelings and needs. I lied in order to go with his desire to not have me there. That was not right and I will never do that again. This is also a great opportunity to stop reliving angry situations and to immediately interupt those thoughts before they start to spiral.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

mcshope;

Well from the way we have been going...it looks like friday is the start of lesson 6. I think it would be a good idea to extend lesson 6 until sunday and then we'll have a normal monday-sunday routine after that.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Sataurday's foods

Breakfast;
Chicken snack wrap, ginger tea with some honey, orange juice

2nd breakfast;
chicken snack wrap, orange juice

uh snack?
alcohol, chips

snack #2
home made bread

dinner;
Pork chops, sweet potato noodles with some beef and vegies, beef stew (I ate this slowly for a few hours) and more alcohol


Sunday;

breafast;
pancakes with pure maple syrup and a handful of almonds, 1 piece of apple pie, 1 glass of water

snack;
1 piece of pie and 1 glass of water

Lunch;
Pork chop, noodles and beef stew again

[NinjaFrodo]

My goals today are acceptance, putting effort towards my skills and interupting negative habits. As long as I follow these goals, I will end up becoming that person I want to be and have that life I desire, that will be inevitable and I don't need to worry about it. I spend my time nourishing my mind and my body with positive productive things.

Monday;

Negative thoughts

[THH]

Mike,
When I used to show horses, I learned a valuable lesson, well many. One was, like how to be a good winner, and a good looser. Sometimes when I would have a great ride that I thought was some of my best, I would loose, (place wise) And other classes I didn't think I did my best and I would win! Some people liked me when I would win, and invite me to do fun things with their group. Other people, thought I was stuck up and didn't like the group I was hangin with. Then if I lost, the same people who liked me didn't like me because I was a looser. They only wanted to be friends with winners! What am I saying here? I had to become my own person. My worth could not come from my good job / not so good. OR which set of friends liked me.

You did good at figuring out that you are judgeing yourself and setting limitations for yourself.

Also very good for being excited about your sad feelings! That shows your heart is working good!

I was more considerate towards my friend's idea of perfection then I was towards my own feelings and needs. I lied in order to go with his desire to not have me there. That was not right and I will never do that again. This is also a great opportunity to stop reliving angry situations and to immediately interupt those thoughts before they start to spiral.

EXCELLENT!

That is cool on starting session 6 Friday. It is another good one!

I worked again at cleaning upstairs. I am done. It was a mess, as when the weather is nice I'm out side. I will take a break and do my down stairs.
I've been helping with my family as both my parents are aged.( and are not together each has separate "others" to dela with as well) I've done better at dealing with so many things from going through the program. I'm feeling well, had my set back this past weekend, but made my adjustment and going on.

[THH]

Karen,
You did very well at making it to your meeting! Good for you! And the driving around too.

It was good you realized you were beating up on your self, and changed your thoughts.

Next time you start to think about your ex maybe try to focus on what you want to be, what you enjoy? That always helps me stay more positive,and in the present, and knowing that I have to change my thinking is the only way out.
Just my few thoughts...

I think Mike gave great advise on quiting smoking. He can give that as he has quit! I'm still a smoker. I have been very mindfull of cutting down, and I have. But if something crazy happens, that goes out the window. I am working on it, and not that I want to discourage you in any way, but be carefull not to try too many BIG things at once. For me I have quit before and it in itself is a huge undertaking. It can be done I know many who have done it. And there is that motivation thing Mike talked about. For me I beat myself up for smoking and being a looser for starting again. But I know I will do it, when I get my mind right.