Wow i'm sorry you had your GB removed THH. You must have to watch your fat intake now.
So like a virtual birthday party?
My grandma cared alot about me but was the most anxious and depressed person I have ever met. It was very sad as she was so suppressed that she didn't even have an opinion with anything and when she ate at a restaurant she would always order what the person before her ordered it was sad.
When people die they don't completely leave, I have experienced this a few times before. I have felt my mother and a psychic ended up coming to me and was communicating with her while I was treating her in student clinic so I really do know what you are saying. They care so much that even though their bodies are gone, their spirits are still around us.
I honestly don't know what it was like to feel loved. The word was only used when I was being sexually abused so it was very distorted for me. It is only recently that I'm starting to understand what it means. My family didn't give that to me, I had to learn it myself.
We really are kids at heart.
In response to THH;
sounds like you really needed that 10 hours of sleep!
That chocolate gives immediate gratification but at what cost on a long term? Its good to have some immediate gratification things but as long as they are productive things that also give long term gratification as well. Chocolate however is not one of those things!
Mike
The Challenge...Lesson 5
-
NinjaFrodo
- Posts: 1263
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
-
NinjaFrodo
- Posts: 1263
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am
My goals today are acceptance, putting effort towards my skills and interupting negative habits. As long as I follow these goals, I will end up becoming that person I want to be and have that life I desire, that will be inevitable and I don't need to worry about it. I spend my time nourishing my mind and my body with positive productive things.
Sataurday;
Comment
Woke up and helped my friend with that party. As I was listening to my music and washing dishes I became teary eye'd and actually started to cry. I actually went to hug my friend because I was feeling so aweful. I remembered a very long time ago when I was around 12 I had decided that I needed to stop doing many diffrent things that people might seem as "gay". I supressed myself and avoided things that I liked because I didn't want to be viewed as gay. This really hurt me and I got so upset. I have lost a decade and a half of my life avoiding things that I wanted to do because of this. I hurt so much when I realized this. I have done everything possible to stop my true self from coming through. All the time and opportunities I have lost...its depressing. I broke down and I let my friend see me upset and I explained things to him and he empathized and told me about his own struggles and that seemed to help. After that situation I became angry just about that behavior that caused me to avoid those kinds of things that I enjoyed. You know that kind of behavior where people make fun of the things you do because it bothers them. I can't believe I let people ruin my life like that. I went through that feeling and I let it pass and things were ok. I'm still really afraid of being myself and I wonder if part of the exhaustion I end up feeling has to do with that as well.
Later on my friend had talked to me and asked me to leave before the dinner because he had this perfectionistic attitude about the birthday party and how he wanted everybody that didn't go to his friend's bday party before to be at the dinner. It really upset me and well I agreed at the time. After we did the suprise for his friend I had got ready to leave...everybody including the person who the party was for had even said oh you can't stay? I was so upset. I got home and phoned my friend and asked how he could do that to me and how I had to explain to everybody including the person who the party was for that I coudln't stay. How horrible for me that was and how he could just be so perfectionistic to the point where he is wanting to be perfect over being a friend. he didn't want to talk about it right there so I told him off. Yes I said the F word to him. I reached out to another friend (which is a huge thing for me because I just usually dwell and keep things in), I told him about the situation where I spent hours helping my friend with cleaning and stuff for the party and then he just didn't want me there and that friend told me I have every right to be angry. That friend I told off ended up calling me back and appologizing. I went back and I was still angry that the situation happened even though we talked through it.
That party was really fun, I enjoyed meeting new people and also talking to the people that I've met before. You know alot of time I worry about trying to be the "right" way around other people. I want to make sure I communicate properly with people I'm about to meet because I put so much emphasis in getting them to like me. These people aren't really that special or important that I absolutely need to have them in my life. I tend to put people on pedestals but these people are like any other people so if they don't like me I don't have to care because there's at least another 4 billion people on this earth and I can find more friends.
Mike
Sataurday;
Comment
Woke up and helped my friend with that party. As I was listening to my music and washing dishes I became teary eye'd and actually started to cry. I actually went to hug my friend because I was feeling so aweful. I remembered a very long time ago when I was around 12 I had decided that I needed to stop doing many diffrent things that people might seem as "gay". I supressed myself and avoided things that I liked because I didn't want to be viewed as gay. This really hurt me and I got so upset. I have lost a decade and a half of my life avoiding things that I wanted to do because of this. I hurt so much when I realized this. I have done everything possible to stop my true self from coming through. All the time and opportunities I have lost...its depressing. I broke down and I let my friend see me upset and I explained things to him and he empathized and told me about his own struggles and that seemed to help. After that situation I became angry just about that behavior that caused me to avoid those kinds of things that I enjoyed. You know that kind of behavior where people make fun of the things you do because it bothers them. I can't believe I let people ruin my life like that. I went through that feeling and I let it pass and things were ok. I'm still really afraid of being myself and I wonder if part of the exhaustion I end up feeling has to do with that as well.
Later on my friend had talked to me and asked me to leave before the dinner because he had this perfectionistic attitude about the birthday party and how he wanted everybody that didn't go to his friend's bday party before to be at the dinner. It really upset me and well I agreed at the time. After we did the suprise for his friend I had got ready to leave...everybody including the person who the party was for had even said oh you can't stay? I was so upset. I got home and phoned my friend and asked how he could do that to me and how I had to explain to everybody including the person who the party was for that I coudln't stay. How horrible for me that was and how he could just be so perfectionistic to the point where he is wanting to be perfect over being a friend. he didn't want to talk about it right there so I told him off. Yes I said the F word to him. I reached out to another friend (which is a huge thing for me because I just usually dwell and keep things in), I told him about the situation where I spent hours helping my friend with cleaning and stuff for the party and then he just didn't want me there and that friend told me I have every right to be angry. That friend I told off ended up calling me back and appologizing. I went back and I was still angry that the situation happened even though we talked through it.
That party was really fun, I enjoyed meeting new people and also talking to the people that I've met before. You know alot of time I worry about trying to be the "right" way around other people. I want to make sure I communicate properly with people I'm about to meet because I put so much emphasis in getting them to like me. These people aren't really that special or important that I absolutely need to have them in my life. I tend to put people on pedestals but these people are like any other people so if they don't like me I don't have to care because there's at least another 4 billion people on this earth and I can find more friends.
Mike
Last edited by NinjaFrodo on Sun Oct 03, 2010 9:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
I am on the road to rewcovery. There may be speed bumps, wrong turns, traffic, and I may even get lost, but I am moving in the right direction. I am in control of my life and thoughts. I am the one that creates my own anxiety and I can stop it also.
Mike
Just wanted to say that it is almost overwhelming when we look back at our lives and realize all the times we didnt do what we wanted or werent true to ourselves....
but you have to remember this is a good thing....we dont want to be the same people we were, that is what got us where we are....we want to change and be positive, assertive people that stand up for ourselves and our beliefs.....
you have come a long way Mike.....and now you recognize what happened in your past...dont dwell on it but instead use this knowledge to begin living the way that makes you happy.....
and remember, the old us were real people pleasers...we cannot please everyone all the time....we need to stop worrying about what others think and concentrate instead on what we want....
be true to yourself....embrace who you are Mike..that is a big part of learning to love, accept, and respect yourself....Im still stuck here sometimes..but when I do believe in myself and stand by my beliefs I feel so much better
this is a very important step in our recovery...it may be hard to do right now, but remember it is a our bad learned behaviors we are changing...sticking up for ourselves and our beliefs will get easier with practice
Im not sure what to say about your friend asking you to leave....I dont quite understand the situation and why he would even ask you to leave....
Mike
Just wanted to say that it is almost overwhelming when we look back at our lives and realize all the times we didnt do what we wanted or werent true to ourselves....
but you have to remember this is a good thing....we dont want to be the same people we were, that is what got us where we are....we want to change and be positive, assertive people that stand up for ourselves and our beliefs.....
you have come a long way Mike.....and now you recognize what happened in your past...dont dwell on it but instead use this knowledge to begin living the way that makes you happy.....
and remember, the old us were real people pleasers...we cannot please everyone all the time....we need to stop worrying about what others think and concentrate instead on what we want....
be true to yourself....embrace who you are Mike..that is a big part of learning to love, accept, and respect yourself....Im still stuck here sometimes..but when I do believe in myself and stand by my beliefs I feel so much better
this is a very important step in our recovery...it may be hard to do right now, but remember it is a our bad learned behaviors we are changing...sticking up for ourselves and our beliefs will get easier with practice
Im not sure what to say about your friend asking you to leave....I dont quite understand the situation and why he would even ask you to leave....
I am getting better. Each day I feel better, more secure, and happier.
Hello everybody,
I am feeling much better now. I want to let you know how this illness was different from before. During 2008 and 2009 I was getting sick quite often, I know now that a lot was stress and also anxiety, however then I was really confused.
I started feeling sick on Thursday, maybe a few days before I felt like I could get sick but then I would feel fine. Thursday night was when I really got sick. It was just a cold or flu. I had fever, congestion and cough. I started taking homeopathic medication. I did not panic, I just accepted it, I am sick and I am going to get better in a few days. I did not go to buy all the regular remedies; I did not call my doctor. I kept taking my homeopathic medication and resting. I feel good because I did not panic.
Now, about Lesson 5... I have learned how important is what we eat not only on how we feel, but on our overall health. I have changed a few things; I don’t drink any coffee or soda. I try to avoid sugar, but I am not always successful on that one. However I realize that if I eat something with sugar by itself, I get a sugar drop lately, which makes me shaky. So I avoid eating sugar or carbohydrates alone, usually I combine it with some protein.
Exercise has never been my favorite thing to do. I have a treadmill at home and I am doing my best to use it every week. That is a work in progress.
Hello everybody,
I am feeling much better now. I want to let you know how this illness was different from before. During 2008 and 2009 I was getting sick quite often, I know now that a lot was stress and also anxiety, however then I was really confused.
I started feeling sick on Thursday, maybe a few days before I felt like I could get sick but then I would feel fine. Thursday night was when I really got sick. It was just a cold or flu. I had fever, congestion and cough. I started taking homeopathic medication. I did not panic, I just accepted it, I am sick and I am going to get better in a few days. I did not go to buy all the regular remedies; I did not call my doctor. I kept taking my homeopathic medication and resting. I feel good because I did not panic.
Now, about Lesson 5... I have learned how important is what we eat not only on how we feel, but on our overall health. I have changed a few things; I don’t drink any coffee or soda. I try to avoid sugar, but I am not always successful on that one. However I realize that if I eat something with sugar by itself, I get a sugar drop lately, which makes me shaky. So I avoid eating sugar or carbohydrates alone, usually I combine it with some protein.
Exercise has never been my favorite thing to do. I have a treadmill at home and I am doing my best to use it every week. That is a work in progress.
"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, it empties today of its strength." – Unknown
Mike,
Yes I do have to watch the fat intake. I do, and lucky for me most things I really like are not real high in fat.
Yea, a virtual bday party, why not!
Oh I believe that too, maybe they are our guardian angels!
It breaks my heart to hear you don't know what its like to feel loved. I wish I were your neighbor or friend back then.
I'm sure you were, and it is sad that there was so much dysfunction in your young life.
The good news is that you are growing and changing into the person you know you are. That is very powerful!
So good you realized that you were suppressing what you thought people may view as gay. You have to be yourself, if you enjoy something, enjoy it. Who cares whether its this or that. Shoot now days you can offend just about anyone with out even thinking that is what your doing. LIVE YOUR LIFE!!! Do what makes you happy... Maybe all need to think of ourselves as people first! You too.
Don't be depressed, remember depression is meant to be a tap on the shoulder, to change something not working for you. I say people are going to like you for you first, and if they judge you for being gay, white, red, what ever color, who your family is/was what ever. They are not the people you need to be surrounding your self with.
Your friend does not sound worthily of your graces! (Just being protective) I don't know all the details either.
I would be upset too, if my friend had me help, be there to see everyone, and leave??? Hummm
Be yourself Mike, if people don't like you that is the way it goes. Some people will like you and then you won't have to pretend anything.
Just my 2 cents! LOL...
I liked at what Karen said too, we can all look back on our lives and see that we "wasted" some years. We have to view this as learning experience, it can motivate us to do better, want changes. I know I want to be positive and grow in a positive direction. That feels good to me, I can tell then I am growing in the right direction.
Yes I do have to watch the fat intake. I do, and lucky for me most things I really like are not real high in fat.
Yea, a virtual bday party, why not!
Oh I believe that too, maybe they are our guardian angels!
It breaks my heart to hear you don't know what its like to feel loved. I wish I were your neighbor or friend back then.
I'm sure you were, and it is sad that there was so much dysfunction in your young life.
The good news is that you are growing and changing into the person you know you are. That is very powerful!
So good you realized that you were suppressing what you thought people may view as gay. You have to be yourself, if you enjoy something, enjoy it. Who cares whether its this or that. Shoot now days you can offend just about anyone with out even thinking that is what your doing. LIVE YOUR LIFE!!! Do what makes you happy... Maybe all need to think of ourselves as people first! You too.
Don't be depressed, remember depression is meant to be a tap on the shoulder, to change something not working for you. I say people are going to like you for you first, and if they judge you for being gay, white, red, what ever color, who your family is/was what ever. They are not the people you need to be surrounding your self with.
Your friend does not sound worthily of your graces! (Just being protective) I don't know all the details either.
I would be upset too, if my friend had me help, be there to see everyone, and leave??? Hummm
Be yourself Mike, if people don't like you that is the way it goes. Some people will like you and then you won't have to pretend anything.
Just my 2 cents! LOL...
I liked at what Karen said too, we can all look back on our lives and see that we "wasted" some years. We have to view this as learning experience, it can motivate us to do better, want changes. I know I want to be positive and grow in a positive direction. That feels good to me, I can tell then I am growing in the right direction.
Hope,
SO glad you are feeling better! YEY!
That is really great and give yourself a atta girl for not panicking while being sick! Health anxiety was/ is (we'll see when its my turn), worry about getting something, freak when I get it, whine while I have it, call the Dr. and not take any of the meds. they give me! I too am hoping that I will recognize I'm sick, do the nurturing while I'm down, and recovery more quickly due to less anxiety!
I had a busy weekend. I have been super cleaning my up stairs. I painted our bedroom, and closet. It was alot of work, but gave me a chance to toss out a few things and come into a nice room. Now I'm encouraged to keep going to another room.
I mainly have been watching my sugar intake. I still like my sno caps, I just eat a couple hand fulls now.
Well keep up the great work everyone!
SO glad you are feeling better! YEY!
That is really great and give yourself a atta girl for not panicking while being sick! Health anxiety was/ is (we'll see when its my turn), worry about getting something, freak when I get it, whine while I have it, call the Dr. and not take any of the meds. they give me! I too am hoping that I will recognize I'm sick, do the nurturing while I'm down, and recovery more quickly due to less anxiety!
I had a busy weekend. I have been super cleaning my up stairs. I painted our bedroom, and closet. It was alot of work, but gave me a chance to toss out a few things and come into a nice room. Now I'm encouraged to keep going to another room.
I mainly have been watching my sugar intake. I still like my sno caps, I just eat a couple hand fulls now.
Well keep up the great work everyone!
Mike,
You have made some really serious posts lately. It is not easy to try to respond in a way that makes you feel better and also makes you feel that I understand.
I guess we all feel lonely from time to time, I have had that wish to just cuddle in bed with my dogs around me. I didn’t have a stuffed toy, I had a blanket. I also sucked my thumb.
I agree with THH, we will have a Birthday party for you, we can even get on the chat and also have a few drinks. The important thing about your birthday is that you spend it with close dear friends. Something that I learned is that if I want people to remember my birthday I have to keep reminding them. When I turned 40, I told people at work that my birthday was coming and I was expecting balloons. A couple friends from work decorated my desk and filled the room with balloons. It was a nice surprise. So, we need to know when your birthday is, so we can celebrate with you.
I am really sorry to hear that you didn’t get to feel love from your family, and being abused is something should not happen to anyone. I only can imagine how hard that must be. I want you to know that you have a special place in my heart, not only because of what you have gone thru, but also because all the support you have given me. You are strong Mike, believe it or not, you are a strong person.
About your friend, I am not sure why he asked you to leave, I don’t even understand how after you helped him, he could ask you to leave. You deserve better. It is not a matter of getting angry or forgiving. The way I see it, you need friends that appreciate you, respect you, and care about your feelings.
I am happy to hear that you were able to enjoy the party and meet more people. I guess that was a big accomplishment. Congratulations.
Take care of yourself.
Hope
You have made some really serious posts lately. It is not easy to try to respond in a way that makes you feel better and also makes you feel that I understand.
I guess we all feel lonely from time to time, I have had that wish to just cuddle in bed with my dogs around me. I didn’t have a stuffed toy, I had a blanket. I also sucked my thumb.
I agree with THH, we will have a Birthday party for you, we can even get on the chat and also have a few drinks. The important thing about your birthday is that you spend it with close dear friends. Something that I learned is that if I want people to remember my birthday I have to keep reminding them. When I turned 40, I told people at work that my birthday was coming and I was expecting balloons. A couple friends from work decorated my desk and filled the room with balloons. It was a nice surprise. So, we need to know when your birthday is, so we can celebrate with you.
I am really sorry to hear that you didn’t get to feel love from your family, and being abused is something should not happen to anyone. I only can imagine how hard that must be. I want you to know that you have a special place in my heart, not only because of what you have gone thru, but also because all the support you have given me. You are strong Mike, believe it or not, you are a strong person.
About your friend, I am not sure why he asked you to leave, I don’t even understand how after you helped him, he could ask you to leave. You deserve better. It is not a matter of getting angry or forgiving. The way I see it, you need friends that appreciate you, respect you, and care about your feelings.
I am happy to hear that you were able to enjoy the party and meet more people. I guess that was a big accomplishment. Congratulations.
Take care of yourself.
Hope
"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, it empties today of its strength." – Unknown
-
NinjaFrodo
- Posts: 1263
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am
My goals today are acceptance, putting effort towards my skills and interupting negative habits. As long as I follow these goals, I will end up becoming that person I want to be and have that life I desire, that will be inevitable and I don't need to worry about it. I spend my time nourishing my mind and my body with positive productive things
In response to Karen L;
Thank you for the supportive words and yes I agree I can either dwell in the crap or I can use the pain as motivation. I just got really upset which is actually something big not only for the reason you mentioned but I have felt very numb for the last 15 years where I would feel sadness for stuff but I would down play it and my mind would be distracted by some obsessive thought or I'd distract myself with something else. I think I'm actually starting to experience my emotions stronger then I was before.
I also relate to that good feeling when standing by my beliefs and when I stand up for myself...hmm I think thats it, I've been so worried about people making fun of me and treating me poorly but I can get excited for this to happen in the future because I could use it to have more assertiveness opportunities and opportunities to create that sense of security in myself. I'm going to make some more affirmations and maybe fix up all my old scripts.
His friend whom I never met had his 30th birthday In July and my friend decided to have a party for him now because most of the people he invited for his party couldn't come for various reasons. So my friend only wanted the people who couldn't show up to be there for dinner. He had an idea of how he wanted it to go and his perfectionistic attitude was more important then my feelings and our friendship. It was stupid and I let him have it and so did one of his friends at the party. I hated it because I had to lie to his friends and tell them I couldn't stay when they asked if I had to go. I am never doing that ever again! Sorry I'm still upset about it.
And I just realized one of my responses for you, I had addressed to THH by mistake. the one before this last one.
THH;
I had many people say they did love me and did care but I couldn't feel it but your right I am growing and changing into the person I know I am and that person feels lots of love
Yeah people label things as stupid all the time and it doesn't make any sense. Or label them as gay too which also makes no sense. I could offend someone simply by having anxiety and avoiding those people. I can't worry about offending people because its going to happen because of how they think, not because of what I do.
Yes your right depression is a sign that something is wrong and needs to change. It doesn't mean my life is over or anything like that. I get what you say and I know I will have people judging me for stupid things. In reality I'm more worried about me judging myself for those activities and when people actually judge me it just reconfirms my own negative thoughts.
My friend has his own issues...perfectionism is one of those things and he can be really inconsiderate and self-centered. Its ok though, I'm sure he has learned from the situation and this will help with his own growth and the growth of our friendship.
Mike
In response to Karen L;
Thank you for the supportive words and yes I agree I can either dwell in the crap or I can use the pain as motivation. I just got really upset which is actually something big not only for the reason you mentioned but I have felt very numb for the last 15 years where I would feel sadness for stuff but I would down play it and my mind would be distracted by some obsessive thought or I'd distract myself with something else. I think I'm actually starting to experience my emotions stronger then I was before.
I also relate to that good feeling when standing by my beliefs and when I stand up for myself...hmm I think thats it, I've been so worried about people making fun of me and treating me poorly but I can get excited for this to happen in the future because I could use it to have more assertiveness opportunities and opportunities to create that sense of security in myself. I'm going to make some more affirmations and maybe fix up all my old scripts.
His friend whom I never met had his 30th birthday In July and my friend decided to have a party for him now because most of the people he invited for his party couldn't come for various reasons. So my friend only wanted the people who couldn't show up to be there for dinner. He had an idea of how he wanted it to go and his perfectionistic attitude was more important then my feelings and our friendship. It was stupid and I let him have it and so did one of his friends at the party. I hated it because I had to lie to his friends and tell them I couldn't stay when they asked if I had to go. I am never doing that ever again! Sorry I'm still upset about it.
And I just realized one of my responses for you, I had addressed to THH by mistake. the one before this last one.
THH;
I had many people say they did love me and did care but I couldn't feel it but your right I am growing and changing into the person I know I am and that person feels lots of love
Yeah people label things as stupid all the time and it doesn't make any sense. Or label them as gay too which also makes no sense. I could offend someone simply by having anxiety and avoiding those people. I can't worry about offending people because its going to happen because of how they think, not because of what I do.
Yes your right depression is a sign that something is wrong and needs to change. It doesn't mean my life is over or anything like that. I get what you say and I know I will have people judging me for stupid things. In reality I'm more worried about me judging myself for those activities and when people actually judge me it just reconfirms my own negative thoughts.
My friend has his own issues...perfectionism is one of those things and he can be really inconsiderate and self-centered. Its ok though, I'm sure he has learned from the situation and this will help with his own growth and the growth of our friendship.
Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
-
NinjaFrodo
- Posts: 1263
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am
mcshope;
Sounds like you got sick the same way I had in the past and got obsessed over it too no?
Sounds like you definately learned something from getting sick, thats great process for your recovery.
Was this a recent change with the coffee and soda? as well as avoiding the sugar? I was actually going to mention about adding protein with some kinda sugary thing. I haven't listened to lesson 5 yet, was that in there?
What are you doing to motivate yourself to use the treadmill?
Mike
Sounds like you got sick the same way I had in the past and got obsessed over it too no?
Sounds like you definately learned something from getting sick, thats great process for your recovery.
Was this a recent change with the coffee and soda? as well as avoiding the sugar? I was actually going to mention about adding protein with some kinda sugary thing. I haven't listened to lesson 5 yet, was that in there?
What are you doing to motivate yourself to use the treadmill?
Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/