The Challenge...Lesson 4

[SeaRunner]

I am going to recover. I am going to set reasonable expectations and goals for myself and not base my self worth on whether I meet them. I am human and imperfect; I am allowed to make mistakes, which are nothing more than learning opportunities.

Mike and Hope -

Thanks for the input on my PE license. I think I've already reached the same conclusion but it was helpful to get reinforcement from other people with a fresh perspective. I'm not going to eliminate getting licensed from my options, but you said Hope, now is not the right time. When and if I decide to pursue my PE, I'll handle it then and not spend my time worrying about it or belittling myself now.

Jamie

[SeaRunner]

Karen -

You're dilemma with your ex reminded me of a post I shared some time ago in another section of the site. I've gotten a lot of positive reaction from it so I thought I would share it again, although I've modified it slightly:

We entertain both healthy and unhealthy relationships with other people in our lives. I recently attended a group therapy program and it included a list of traits of both healthy and unhealthy relationships. Here's the list:

"Healthy People"
1. Invite a relationship rather than defend against it; willing to be both close and apart
2. Mutual vulnerability
3. Trust; consistency over time
4. Honesty
5. Constructive feedback
6. Repair; willing to change

"Unhealthy People"
1. Think they have it "all together"; feel superior
2. Defensive instead of open to feedback; perceive communication as an attack
3. Don't take responsibility for their lives; permissive and don't want to know how it impacts you
4. Self righteous instead of humble; can't identify with others' struggles
5. Only apologize but never change their behavior; no room for growth
6. Avoid facing relationship problems; want others to change
7. Resist character growth
8. Externalize their issues; blaming
9. Have not developed tolerance for stress; "fly off the handle" rather than willing to engage in communication
10. Demand trust instead of earn it while being mistrustful of others
11. Dishonest and untrustworthy
12. Don't forgive; hold grudges and won't accept an apology
13. Treat others with a lack of empathy; no compassion

Remember, we bring people into our lives to enhance it and make us better people not to create destruction and sap our energy. A good relationship always creates much more positive energy than negative. Ask yourself: are the people in you life helping your grow or are they inhibiting you? It's so important to reach out to people around us that can provide a positive influence.

Sometimes we pick unhealthy relationships because the feel good in the short run. But over time, they drain us. Be very careful of continuing an unhealthy relationship even though you might be getting some short term gains. It's just not worth the damage it causes later.

I realize that this is a very difficult issue for you and you're having trouble making decisions on what route to pursue. Let me remind you of something you posted earlier about your relationship with your ex:

....I finally got out of that relationship, but not before letting him completely destroy my self-worth....I think that's also why I have been feeling good, I no longer have someone putting me down...no-one deserves that...

You also mentioned how much better off your children are. That's a very good way to measure things. Will bringing him back into your life have the the potential to harm your children in any way? If the answer is yes even in some small way, then you already have your answer.

I hope that this post helps you in some way. I don't want to add any pressure to you and please don't feel obligated to respond to any of these points. My intent is that this information will just give you time to pause, reflect, and make a decision that affects your family in the most positive way.

Jamie

[NinjaFrodo]

In response to Karen L

I agree that yes we are all learning new things and looking at things diffrently and its great that we can help each other learn.

Yeah sometimes it does that, just right click and copy your message before you hit the send button and if it just deletes part of the message then just right click and hit undo.

What about the fighting did you talk about? Did either of you resolve anything or make a plan of action to change?

So you were feeling like you were being punished, lonely and sad which is what motivated you to go and talk with your ex. You want to know that he still misses you, wants you and thinks about you but you want him to hurt the way he made you hurt and you don't want him to move on, be happy or get over you.

I can understand that way of thinking. Its only natural to punish the people who have violated our rules and caused hurt. Why should he feel happy when he did all those bad things to you? That way of thinking is nothing to be ashamed of and you have every right to feel that way however is it benefitting you at all? Do you think he treated you the way he did because you are a bad person or because of his own conflicts? And who do you think is really punishing you?

Well you are feeling very lonely and if i'm correct I think you said before that you aren't allowing yourself to met other people or date. Why wouldn't you dwell on your ex then?

I use both words. If you choose to use addicted then lets work with that one. If you've watched "What the Bleep" then this might make more sense. It sounds to me that you are likely addicted to the chemical response of that situation. Those feelings create chemicals and if you're used to having them then it is going to be challenging to stop them because the feelings themselves are a habit.

how are you suppose to figure things out when you don't think you're honest with yourself or don't know how you feel...you don't even know yourself....Well thats what the program helps us out with. Maybe its not important to get the answers all at once and right away. It takes times to do that and it isn't completely important if the negative thoughts you think are "right" or "wrong" in the beginning. By just simply doing that exercise you are becoming more and more aware of your thoughts and the depth to them. You might not have the answer right now but just continue making progress and it will come. Don't discourage, you have made amazing progress and you are just hitting a rut just like the rest of us have. My rut was last week with my exhaustion! Recovery is suppose to have its ups and downs and right now you are experiencing a down but the great thing about downs is that once you overcome them you tend to go up higher than you were before. You are on the verge of a breakthrough so keep it up!

Also with addictions, there are times where you do fall back and it should be that way because it is a habit and you are likely to follow a habit until it is changed. Its more likely to continue with it. You did that with your EX and so what! You can either beat yourself up which will stress you out and then you will be more inclined to go back to your habitual way of living (which means you'd give up on recovery and get back together with your X) or, you can see this as a slip up, forgive yourself, learn from it and get back to working on your goal of recovery.


Mike

[SeaRunner]

Mike -

I was pleased to read about your positive reaction to the situation you described in McDonald's. I know how easy it is to personalize things. It's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking that everyone is focused on us and our own perceived short-comings. But in all likelihood, those kids just happened to looking in your direction when they were laughing and the two things were completely unrelated. It's really inspiring to see how much you've grown and how you effective you are becoming at using positive self-talk in real situations. Excellent work!

Jamie

[SeaRunner]

Hope -

Regardless of how your potential job offer comes out, Mike really hit the nail on the head. The worst thing that could possibly happen is that you may need to turn down the offer or quit the job. Is that really so awful? The important thing is that you made the effort and created and opportunity for yourself that wasn't there before. As Lucinda says, the only failure is the failure not to try.

You may find out that if you do get this job, you will be able to handle it quite well. There are two sides to what-if thinking. You can go the old route that we're accustom to of thinking the negatives: what if I can't handle the work or what if I can't make it to the office. The other side is to consider the positives: what if I get the job an love it, what if I do great work and feel proud of myself. What-ifs don't have to be negative.

Also, remember that a career change is an stress inducing event. So give yourself some extra leeway right now. Remind yourself that of course you feel anxious, you're making some really exciting changes in you life. Go get 'em!

Jamie

[NinjaFrodo]

Searunner;

Great quote you created there, I like it.

And I do remember that post you made about healthy and unhealthy people and I'm glad you put it in here because it is very helpful! I also like how you reminded Karen L of a previous post of hers about her X.

As for the mcDonald's thing I was really impressed with myself as well. I suspect that they were laughing at me but it doesn't matter because I know I'm a good person and I have alot of great things about me plus they know nothing about me so its highly unlikely they would be making fun of my weaknesses.

Oh and that exhaustion...definately digestive related. It was actually great that it happened while doing the program instead of happening when I got a job. I know how to recognize that type of exhaustion and I know that I can flush my system out with senna tea or sennacot and then retrain my digestive system. This is what i'm doing now and its helping alot! Its really crazy what the digestive problems did to me. Exhaustion, waking up in the middle of the night, more anxiety, more depression, feeling heavy, decrease appetite, increased dizziness, decreased stress tolerance.

Mike

[Karen L]

Hope

Thanks for the support....you know what, I cant deal with the lies, the drinking, the emotional, mental, and sometimes physical abuse....so I guess my answer is I cant accept him for who he is...
I always made up excuses for him....he bad childhood filled with abuse...but I cant do anything to change that....I have tried to help him deal with it, but that didnt work....so I guess it's time to leave him alone with his own demons....I didnt create his demons, and shouldnt be the one that has to pay for them..

thanks for being non-judgemental

[Karen L]

Jamie

after reading your list, I see that my ex fits into every unhealthy trait...but not even one healthy trait...I am going to copy your list and print it out so that I can easily remind myself of the positive traits I want in people that are part of my life....thanks

also, thanks for reminding me of my own words...when I get down and anxious it's hard to remember how good I can feel, I just dwell on the bad feelings...also, it is very iomportant to me to be reminded of my kids, that they do not need this behavior in their lives...I actually saw him late at night, without the kids knowing...and that is not the way I want to live my life...and I sure dont want to be doing something I have to hide from my children.....they would not only be upset, but also very disappointed because they have seen how hard it has been for me and how far I have come...

thanks for taking the time to add your input....yes, it has helped in a big way....just needed some objective opinions because I was looking through very dirty glasses...not seeing reality...thanks

[Karen L]

Mike

no, nothing was resolved about our conversation regarding our fighting...we both acknowledged the problem....I just dont know how we ever got to such a bad point...our fights were terrible.....and the hardest thing, I was the sober one who would remember all the hurtful words the next morning....now that I think about it, I was never as angry and spiteful until I met him.....I guess that in itself should tell me something....

you are right Mike....I did feel ashamed of the way I felt....that I must be a terrible person to wish those kind of things on a person....but when someone is hurt they do react in many different ways, so I shouldnt beat myself up for dealing with my hurt in those ways....

but what is very important that you said is that it is not benefitting me to feel like this...and he did not treat me that way because I am a bad person, but instead he has in own conflicts, and I was just the one he took it out on because he does not know how to deal with his own conflicts...everything you are saying is making alot of sense and sinking in..

I have been telling myself I dont want to meet others because it is not fair to bring all my baggage to someone else....but I now think its really a wall I have put up to avoid getting hurt again....also, my trust level is not very good...these are things that I need to think about....I need to remember that not everyone is like him and out to hurt me....

that makes alot of sense about the chemical responses I feel...they have become so automatic that it doesnt feel right if I dont feel them...this is an unhealthy habit..

thanks so much for re-inforcing that this is only a rut and that I will get out of....that there are ups and downs, and right now Im just down....I do feel I am on a verge of a break-through.....I have been learning alot and it all makes sense....and I know now why I feel this way...and that this is an important learning experience....

forgiving myself is still so new to me....but you are right..I had a slip up, nothing more, I acknowledge it and need to say "it's ok" and keep moving forward

thanks so much Mike!!!

[Karen L]

Mike

you are doing great at recognizing all your old habits and reacting in new positive ways instead of previous negative ones!!
The great thing is you see it, stop it, change it, and then are able to see the difference in yourself!!
glad you are feeling better