I will recover, I am recovering, each and every day I am closer to my goal of recovery. I will continue to work hard on recovering in a healthy way, because I refuse to live my life controled by anxiety, fear and depression.
I was very anxious yesterday, I had over 500 bales of hay in the field that needed to be brought into the barn before the rain, which was predicted in 1 to2 days. I can't lift and carry even one bale very far, they're about 70 lb each. My husband is out of state so it was left entirely to me. I hired 3 people, One person I had never met before, just a name over the phone. Well, it would be a long story to tell, but we did it, using a neighbor's piece of farm equipment I had never used before and was afraid of.I faced social anxiety, being in charge anxiety, and big farm machinery that I drove anxiety, and no one got hurt. I did make a mistake and did not know the exact count of bales, and confused how much this one worker hauled, and ended up over paying him by $30-$50. I also got too comfortable with these strangers I think, I let them go in my house alone to use the bathroom while the rest of us worked outside, and I'm missing $20 from my purse which was on the kitchen counter. I don't think anything else is missing.
I talked to my husband about how well I thought things went but he was upset at how much I paid them, I didn't know what to pay. In the past he and our kids have done it. So the goal is accomplished, the hay is in the barn and no one got hurt, but I was gullable and over paid and was robbed. And I feel the worst over imagining those people thinking of me as a gullable fool. Then I get mad at myself for caring what they might think more than I care about losing the money.
I'm also having a hard time giving up caffiene and sugar. I know we are not there yet in the challenge but I have been trying since the first time I went through the program. Now I add guilt and anger at myself when I have sugar and caffiene.
I'm upset at myself, so I tell myself to use the tools of the program to make myself feel better. But when I think of that relaxation cd I just want to flush it down the toilet, I'm so sick of it. I'm so sick of having depression and anxiety, if I could physically get my hands on it I would choke it to death and be done with it. If it were a tumor I would have a doctor cut it out and burn it. I think I'm especially angry at my husband for leaving this job to me and then critisizing how I handled it.
The Challenge...Lesson 3
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Lindalee
I'm sorry you had such a hard time yestaurday but look at what you did. Despite your social anxiety, your anxiety about being an authority figure, anxiety about using machinery and such, you still did it! You should be congratulating yourself for that accomplishment. We all know what its like to face anxiety, its not easy in fact it can be one of the hardest things in the world to do. So what-if it didn't turn out the way you expected it to, that is part of the learning process.
From my understanding (and correct me if i'm wrong) but you didn't know what to pay them and didn't really have anything to go by to figure it out, and you weren't told about how to use a vital piece of farm equipment that you needed to do the work and you were left to deal with this situation on your own. Yes you could have asked for more instruction like how much to pay and how to use machinery but you hadn't and your husband didn't inform you either. I don't think it was very fair to put you into a position like that without the important knowledge and knowing that you have alot of limitations there. Life however isn't always fair and sometimes things like this happen where there aren't too many options. The best thing you can do now is focus on all the good things you did in the situation (facing your limitations, getting the job accomplished) and look at what you can learn from the mistakes (ie don't leave your purse just lying out in the open, ask for a range of price that is reasonable and if you have problems remembering something just carry around a spiral notepad to write stuff in). If I was put in your position I would have likely done the same things you had done. Anxiety makes us forgetful and we don't take alot of things into consideration. That is just apart of the condition and we are taking the steps to change that. We are not those bad things, it's just behavior. You did great!
As for the caffine, sugar and guilt well when you beat yourself up it adds stress and when you are stressed then you naturally go back into habits because doing things diffrent can be more stressful. Therefore the more guilt you add to yourself, the more likely you will continue that habit. Give yourself a break, unless you are a god you aren't going to break a habit all at once. You will slip back many times but you will also have times when you make progress, that is the reality of changing a habit. The more you accept this, the more you will feel good about making that change and the more likely you will change it. Now just because you accept that you will slip back doesn't mean you will always fall back because you don't lose your desires to change just by accepting reality. You'll still want to grow and become better, that doesn't go away just because you give yourself a break. Motivation is create by both the stick and the carrot. You can focus on what you want and motivate yourself that way instead of beating the motivation into yourself.
I think we've all been there with the anxiety and depression. I can also relate to not wanting to use the relaxation cd. This unfortunately is our reality at the moment. One good thing however is you can start to feel good right now, you don't have to wait until you are completely recovered in order to do so. This is not an easy condition to live with and work through but if those people in the tapes can overcome it and so can we. I am really glad you brought how you felt about your struggles up because now we can help you with it. This here is a great learning opporunity and a chance at tremendous growth!
You may not recognize it but you did an amazing job facing your limitations! Keep up the good work and yes your husband is upset but just because he is upset doesn't mean that you did everything wrong and that you can't feel good about yourself and your accomplishments!
Mike
I'm sorry you had such a hard time yestaurday but look at what you did. Despite your social anxiety, your anxiety about being an authority figure, anxiety about using machinery and such, you still did it! You should be congratulating yourself for that accomplishment. We all know what its like to face anxiety, its not easy in fact it can be one of the hardest things in the world to do. So what-if it didn't turn out the way you expected it to, that is part of the learning process.
From my understanding (and correct me if i'm wrong) but you didn't know what to pay them and didn't really have anything to go by to figure it out, and you weren't told about how to use a vital piece of farm equipment that you needed to do the work and you were left to deal with this situation on your own. Yes you could have asked for more instruction like how much to pay and how to use machinery but you hadn't and your husband didn't inform you either. I don't think it was very fair to put you into a position like that without the important knowledge and knowing that you have alot of limitations there. Life however isn't always fair and sometimes things like this happen where there aren't too many options. The best thing you can do now is focus on all the good things you did in the situation (facing your limitations, getting the job accomplished) and look at what you can learn from the mistakes (ie don't leave your purse just lying out in the open, ask for a range of price that is reasonable and if you have problems remembering something just carry around a spiral notepad to write stuff in). If I was put in your position I would have likely done the same things you had done. Anxiety makes us forgetful and we don't take alot of things into consideration. That is just apart of the condition and we are taking the steps to change that. We are not those bad things, it's just behavior. You did great!
As for the caffine, sugar and guilt well when you beat yourself up it adds stress and when you are stressed then you naturally go back into habits because doing things diffrent can be more stressful. Therefore the more guilt you add to yourself, the more likely you will continue that habit. Give yourself a break, unless you are a god you aren't going to break a habit all at once. You will slip back many times but you will also have times when you make progress, that is the reality of changing a habit. The more you accept this, the more you will feel good about making that change and the more likely you will change it. Now just because you accept that you will slip back doesn't mean you will always fall back because you don't lose your desires to change just by accepting reality. You'll still want to grow and become better, that doesn't go away just because you give yourself a break. Motivation is create by both the stick and the carrot. You can focus on what you want and motivate yourself that way instead of beating the motivation into yourself.
I think we've all been there with the anxiety and depression. I can also relate to not wanting to use the relaxation cd. This unfortunately is our reality at the moment. One good thing however is you can start to feel good right now, you don't have to wait until you are completely recovered in order to do so. This is not an easy condition to live with and work through but if those people in the tapes can overcome it and so can we. I am really glad you brought how you felt about your struggles up because now we can help you with it. This here is a great learning opporunity and a chance at tremendous growth!
You may not recognize it but you did an amazing job facing your limitations! Keep up the good work and yes your husband is upset but just because he is upset doesn't mean that you did everything wrong and that you can't feel good about yourself and your accomplishments!
Mike
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I am recovering, I am finding my way, it takes time and practice but there is a light at the end to help me see. It is my choice to be positive! ( I changed it a little )
For me, today was a quiet day!
I felt sleepy and drained, so i took it easy. I didn't do any extra. I think it will be a calgon take me away night! LOL... I need to rest. There are alot of colds going around and if I take care of my self now maybe I can ward them off!
For me getting the concept that a person cannot have a feeling without a thought first, is amazing. I never thought abpout it like that but it is true. So I must remember that line.
I liked Kens, they are only thoughts, just thoughts, line. I will use that too when i catch myself.
I really like the positive statements also. One of my favorites is "it's no big deal." And "I'm taking this too seriously.' For me those 2 are great at tossing water on the flame. I will use these statements as many times as I can think of them.!
SeaRunner, It does feel great! And we have to remind ourselves that when we run into a bad streach that it is not going to stay like that forever. It will pass and we have to remind each other that positive statements will make it pass faster. Your getting out of your bad habits too. So glad to hear your making such good progress with you bike, and work! Thats Great!
Mike, Your right I will meet new people with positive energy. As I learn how to project it I will meet others who have it.
It is nice to share thoughts and not feel bad thinking you have to be on such guard. In reality that is true too, we just don't quite believe it yet.
I've been thinking...Oh no...LOL... We always refur to people who don't have anxiety. I can't really say I know them. They may not be going though this program, but either they don't address it, or self medicate, or deny that they have it. But listen to them for about 10 mins. its there. So I think being less effected is our only real way to stay positive ( in that we have to be real good at our self talk and believe in our selves, notlook to others to make us feel needed, or reasured )in a seemingly negitive society. Just my thoughs.
You too are doing a great job!!!
Lindalee,
I can totally realate to you because we share so much in common.
I usually pay the kids more too, I need them when I want them because with hay you never really know when your going to get it. Most kids won't come to your house to help with hay no matter what you pay them. If your lucky enough to get them, its gotta be work $20.00 to them. After all what can you buy for 20.00? I say you did good! ( I figure 8.00 hr. if they can stack $10.00) If they are good and handle a tractor or elevator $15.00. Thats where I live, and to get them next year. My husband is always gone and I get dumped with it. He knows better than to grumble about anything I do ( with the hay ) because I'll dump it back on him! LOL...
Be assertive with your husband and tell him what a great job you did in handling the hole hay thing, and ask for his support, no critizing!
I gave up caffine years ago, I used to drink pepsi like water. I had my gallbladder out and for some reason, it upset my stomach. So I quit it. I never liked coffee. I can't say I miss it. Sugar, well I still eat that. When I get a bad day I'll remind myself to watch the sugar and I do. I hope that I don't ever have to totally give that one up. Just being mindful of how much you are eating sometimes helps cut it down.
Your doing great too!!! Take your bow!
We always forget to be proud of the little things we do handle, and get hard on ourselves when we pile it up, or expect to handle 500 bales of hay like a gorilla! Were Chicks for heaven sakes! LOL...
For me, today was a quiet day!
I felt sleepy and drained, so i took it easy. I didn't do any extra. I think it will be a calgon take me away night! LOL... I need to rest. There are alot of colds going around and if I take care of my self now maybe I can ward them off!For me getting the concept that a person cannot have a feeling without a thought first, is amazing. I never thought abpout it like that but it is true. So I must remember that line.
I liked Kens, they are only thoughts, just thoughts, line. I will use that too when i catch myself.
I really like the positive statements also. One of my favorites is "it's no big deal." And "I'm taking this too seriously.' For me those 2 are great at tossing water on the flame. I will use these statements as many times as I can think of them.!
SeaRunner, It does feel great! And we have to remind ourselves that when we run into a bad streach that it is not going to stay like that forever. It will pass and we have to remind each other that positive statements will make it pass faster. Your getting out of your bad habits too. So glad to hear your making such good progress with you bike, and work! Thats Great!
Mike, Your right I will meet new people with positive energy. As I learn how to project it I will meet others who have it.
It is nice to share thoughts and not feel bad thinking you have to be on such guard. In reality that is true too, we just don't quite believe it yet.
I've been thinking...Oh no...LOL... We always refur to people who don't have anxiety. I can't really say I know them. They may not be going though this program, but either they don't address it, or self medicate, or deny that they have it. But listen to them for about 10 mins. its there. So I think being less effected is our only real way to stay positive ( in that we have to be real good at our self talk and believe in our selves, notlook to others to make us feel needed, or reasured )in a seemingly negitive society. Just my thoughs.
You too are doing a great job!!!
Lindalee,
I can totally realate to you because we share so much in common.
I usually pay the kids more too, I need them when I want them because with hay you never really know when your going to get it. Most kids won't come to your house to help with hay no matter what you pay them. If your lucky enough to get them, its gotta be work $20.00 to them. After all what can you buy for 20.00? I say you did good! ( I figure 8.00 hr. if they can stack $10.00) If they are good and handle a tractor or elevator $15.00. Thats where I live, and to get them next year. My husband is always gone and I get dumped with it. He knows better than to grumble about anything I do ( with the hay ) because I'll dump it back on him! LOL...
Be assertive with your husband and tell him what a great job you did in handling the hole hay thing, and ask for his support, no critizing!
I gave up caffine years ago, I used to drink pepsi like water. I had my gallbladder out and for some reason, it upset my stomach. So I quit it. I never liked coffee. I can't say I miss it. Sugar, well I still eat that. When I get a bad day I'll remind myself to watch the sugar and I do. I hope that I don't ever have to totally give that one up. Just being mindful of how much you are eating sometimes helps cut it down.
Your doing great too!!! Take your bow!
We always forget to be proud of the little things we do handle, and get hard on ourselves when we pile it up, or expect to handle 500 bales of hay like a gorilla! Were Chicks for heaven sakes! LOL...
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Guest
I will recover, I am recovering, each and everyday I am more recovered. I have everything I need inside of me in order to recover and face any problem or limitations I will ever encounter. EAch day I become stronger with my skills and I can access more and more of my inner resources.
I'm really having a difficult time with the 6 steps right now and I'd like some feedback on this one. I get anxious or panicky and I breath through it, accept it, ask what is really bothering me and I can get a good answer but I still feel panicky. I don't drink any caffine at all or eat chocolate, I stay away from white sugar as well. What are your guys's thoughts and experiences? What do you experience with the 6 steps?
Oh and THH I never actually thought about that. There really aren't non-sufferers, just people who's lives aren't completely controlled by the anxiety to the point where they stop doing things. Your right we do need to be good at self-talk. I'm struggling with this at the moment, its really difficult this week for me.
Mike
I'm really having a difficult time with the 6 steps right now and I'd like some feedback on this one. I get anxious or panicky and I breath through it, accept it, ask what is really bothering me and I can get a good answer but I still feel panicky. I don't drink any caffine at all or eat chocolate, I stay away from white sugar as well. What are your guys's thoughts and experiences? What do you experience with the 6 steps?
Oh and THH I never actually thought about that. There really aren't non-sufferers, just people who's lives aren't completely controlled by the anxiety to the point where they stop doing things. Your right we do need to be good at self-talk. I'm struggling with this at the moment, its really difficult this week for me.
Mike
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What is your good answer? Is it something you can change, accept, forget about? Is it something your dwelling in the past or worring in the future? I think the answer needs more information.
I have always been able to track it down and deal with it. It does lesson to where I don't get a full panic attack. But sometimes I just have anxiety. Wait....sometimes it takes a few days....BUT IT ALWAYS PASSES! Self talk, get your mind on something different than thinking about your symptoms. Hope there is something in here that helps!
"Its just my anxiety.It will go away...
And remember we all have hard weeks, its no big deal. You have made so much progress don't scare yourself. Remember you are your safe person, do nice things for your self!
I have always been able to track it down and deal with it. It does lesson to where I don't get a full panic attack. But sometimes I just have anxiety. Wait....sometimes it takes a few days....BUT IT ALWAYS PASSES! Self talk, get your mind on something different than thinking about your symptoms. Hope there is something in here that helps!
"Its just my anxiety.It will go away...
And remember we all have hard weeks, its no big deal. You have made so much progress don't scare yourself. Remember you are your safe person, do nice things for your self!
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Oh yes, I've had anxiety, tension linger in my body for several days. I just do my self talk and me mindfull of how tight my arms are, back, jaw, legs and let it go. I have to tell myself "let it go". I can feel the difference. Don't obsess over it. its done. Forget about it and maybe at a later date you can think of a better way to approach the problem. Remember when we are tired we seam to get overly sensitive.
You Okay???
You Okay???
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I already confronted the person and talked through it. I don't feel like i'm completely heard myself though but I don't know what else to say. I guess I was just expecting a particular response which I hadn't got but it doesn't bother me as much. Yeah i am tired too so i am overly sensitive.
I'm doing alright I guess i'll just feel better tomorrow.
I'm doing alright I guess i'll just feel better tomorrow.
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I will recover, I am recovering. Each and eveyday I am more recovered. I refuse to live a life ruled by anxiety, fear, and depression anymore.
Mike
Your comments were so helpful. Your comment that anxiety makes us forgetful and and it is just a part of this condition and we are taking the steps to change it has become part of my self talk now when I catch myself calling myself stupid for messing up the bale count and the pay.
"this is not an easy condition to live with" after I read that I realized I have viewed this condition as a personal defect, as a personal failing, that something was lacking in me(courage? LOL?) But thinking of myself successfully living with a difficult condition feels so much better.
And your right, I can feel good about what I did accomplish even if my husband thinks it's no big thing and is upset about the money.
About the 6 steps and anxiety, sometimes if I concentrate on my breathing too much while I'm doing the deep breathing I can become more anxious and feel like there isn't enough air, when this starts to happen I skip right to positive self talk and distraction.
Mojo2010
Thanks for the encouragemint,too.
THH
We do have a lot in common. Thanks for your postings. When my husband was critisizing me on the phone he did stop pretty quick when I reminded him that well, he wasn't here. The boy I overpaid did do a great job, he figured out the pop up baler real quick and hung on the side of it like a monkey to add more weight so it worked better, stacked and even evalutated each bale as he went so the ones that were a little wet yet were separated to dry. When 2 of the 3 quit after just 2 hours, he went home and got his brother to come help us. He worked hard for 9 hours. I feel I have to tell you he earned $25 an hour though, I paid per bale and messed up the count. If he helps next year I'll need to tell him up front the pay will be a bit less.
Great work on changing your thoughts and taking care of yourself. I keep wanting to change how I feel, but you are so right we have to change our thinking first, then how we feel can change.
Thanks again everyone for the encouragement.
Mike
Your comments were so helpful. Your comment that anxiety makes us forgetful and and it is just a part of this condition and we are taking the steps to change it has become part of my self talk now when I catch myself calling myself stupid for messing up the bale count and the pay.
"this is not an easy condition to live with" after I read that I realized I have viewed this condition as a personal defect, as a personal failing, that something was lacking in me(courage? LOL?) But thinking of myself successfully living with a difficult condition feels so much better.
And your right, I can feel good about what I did accomplish even if my husband thinks it's no big thing and is upset about the money.
About the 6 steps and anxiety, sometimes if I concentrate on my breathing too much while I'm doing the deep breathing I can become more anxious and feel like there isn't enough air, when this starts to happen I skip right to positive self talk and distraction.
Mojo2010
Thanks for the encouragemint,too.
THH
We do have a lot in common. Thanks for your postings. When my husband was critisizing me on the phone he did stop pretty quick when I reminded him that well, he wasn't here. The boy I overpaid did do a great job, he figured out the pop up baler real quick and hung on the side of it like a monkey to add more weight so it worked better, stacked and even evalutated each bale as he went so the ones that were a little wet yet were separated to dry. When 2 of the 3 quit after just 2 hours, he went home and got his brother to come help us. He worked hard for 9 hours. I feel I have to tell you he earned $25 an hour though, I paid per bale and messed up the count. If he helps next year I'll need to tell him up front the pay will be a bit less.
Great work on changing your thoughts and taking care of yourself. I keep wanting to change how I feel, but you are so right we have to change our thinking first, then how we feel can change.
Thanks again everyone for the encouragement.