people "helping" by using comparisons/ guilt to try to get you to "snap out of it"

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Aug 01, 2010 11:06 am

Cutting girl, That has happened to me as well, with a freind or family member.

The response I got was something like this: "well, not everyone has the luxury of self-examination and personal supposed crises. You don't even have real responsibilities to deal with like children or a spouse".

I also think one day everyone who wants to become a better person, will look at self-examination.
I think at times we hang around people who have the time when we have the time. As we get to know them we realize that we are always the ones there for them. We leave thier company most of the time being drained of energy, depressed, or spun up as of something they said or did. As I have gone though this program I can say I am more aware of the relationships in general,ones that really don't support me, who I am, what I like or do, people not really believing in my abilitys. (There are a couple people who are the best at all this). You can still care for these people, love them, wish the best for them, but its time to do it from a distance.

Well in our negative state we are likely to attract some other really negative people. It is unfortunate but reality.

Well said, Mike.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Aug 01, 2010 11:11 am

Sea Runner, That was great!!!
You must of beat me to the post button! LOL... But I liked what you posted. I believe those statements about a healthy relationship versa un healthy one.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Aug 03, 2010 5:53 am

Wow SeaRunner,

That is a very good post. I always saw people as the same and never really thought of healthy and unhealthy people. I like how you break it down like that and I'm realizing that one person whom i've had problems with that last month really does fit alot of the unhealthy list.

He acts like he is perfect and constantly tells people of his "good attributes" which are usually the opposite of his real personality. He does not allow others to work through problems with him and does not care how his behavior affects others. Does not even appologize for anything but instead if someone has a problem with him he just calls them crazy. He gets into relationships with desparate people in order to avoid facing relationship problems, he also complains about many things alot, expects people to do what he says and he consistently lies to people just to get what he wants. He is very untrustworthy as most of what he says about himself is false...he says one thing and behaves completely diffrent and he doesn't want to hear the problems of anybody else.

wow this definately deserves to be wrote down and I think i will make an affirmation out of this. I think i will put this in with my love script when i create it.

Thank you so much!

Mike

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Aug 03, 2010 6:04 am

THH that is very well said especially the part about how you can still care for those unhealthy people but to do it at a distance. We need to take care of ourselves in any way we can. It helps nobody to allow others to sap us. It may help the person sapping us in the short run but by saying no we are allowing the other person to take responsibility for their own actions which in turn can allow them to grow and they can benefit in the long run.

We are not the only people that may seem desparate for the relationship. They need people to validate their behavior and they use us as an excuse not to change. In essence if we let that continue then we are just adding to their secondary gains! If we care enough about those people then we will give them the opportunity to learn the lesson they need to in order to be happy and optimistic. You can also take care of yourself at the same time and somewhere down the road if they have really changed then maybe you can have a relationship with that person again.

3 really good affirmations i came up for a case like this are;

I never feel guilty If I have to quit a job, move or end a bad relationship in order to take care of myself or if things just don't workout. I do what I need in order to take care of myself.

Life gives myself and everybody else the opportunities to grow and the resources we need. I do not have to be the person that fixes everything and everybody. I allow others to learn the lessons they are suppose to learn

Like me, others are responsible for their actions, choices, emotions and behaviors. I do not take blame for what I am not responsible for

Mike

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Aug 04, 2010 1:00 am

THH and Ninja -

I'm glad that you found the information I posted useful. I thought it was a very good way to check my relationships and friendships to see if I was in them for the right reasons. For a variety of reasons, many of us are drawn to unhealthy things, which can include eating habits, drugs, alcohol, and bad relationships among other things.

Typically we're getting some sort of short term pleasure or other gain from these activities. But when we recognize the long term consequences, we have to realize that maintaining these unhealthy habits only causes us increased stress and pain. This is just one more reason why self-examination is such a good thing. If we're honest with ourselves, we can eliminate or at least address many of the factors that hold us back from our full potential.

Jamie

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Aug 04, 2010 1:21 am

I agree it is good to weed out the bad relationships and its intresting now that I have read those affirmations for a little while. I'm starting to see my perception change and how I am not taking responsibility for the action, thoughts and emotions of other people. I think i could actually cut those people out of my life now without feeling that guilt!

Mike

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Aug 04, 2010 8:02 am

Hello to all of you I am new to the program, I have been reading the post that started with cutting post. Wow! It was really great listening to conversations with people that have feelings like me. I always feel like the bad person in friendships and relationships because of the anxiety attacks and depression that I go through. Here's one for you, I was raised without a Father so all my life I felt that void for a male figure in my life (what to do)? I have been married to 2 alcoholics and I always seem to be attracted to the wrong man. A therapist told me one time that this is what I am attracted to because of my past WHAT? I did have 2 relationships that were good to me BUT my anxiety attacks run them off. Will I ever be able to get through this so that I don't run people off or just get strong enough so that I don't think I have to have a man in my life???? HELP!!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Aug 04, 2010 8:13 am

Hello searunner, I'm new to the program I found your post about the healthy and unhealthy people very interesting. Thanks...

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Aug 04, 2010 12:19 pm

Hey Vick.

I think we've all felt the same things you do in relationships as well. Nobody is really good or bad though, its just where we are in life as people and what we can all tolerate thats all. After all you did not give the condition to yourself so you are not at fault for having it.

ah yes i have heard of that theory. We are attracted to the same type of person as our fathers or mothers (depending on which gender your attracted to) or if we do not have that figure growing up it would be some other figure in your life like uncle/aunt, family friend etc. From what i understand we get into those kinds of relationships because it gives us the opportunity to deal with the problems we had growing up. Similar or the same problems as those from the father figure (in your case). Does this mean you will always be attracted to that type of person? No it does not. I was similar as well my mother was going out with this one guy who has been there since i was born and i saw him as a father figure. He was really inconsiderate, didn't deal with his problems, drank alot, was making fun of mean and wasn't very understanding. I was actually attracted to the "bad" boy kinda person until i started to deal with my own issues.

I dealt with my issues with assertiveness, self-esteem, expectations, positive self-talk and the other things in this program and it started to switch. Now I see them and I am actually turned off for the most part. I am not attracted to inconsiderate and rude people nor people who can't deal with their problems and just run away from them. So i can say from experience that what we find attractive can definately change.

All this condition is, is a problem with the way we think. It isn't because of something we had or didn't have in our life (even though that definately does effect our belief systems), Its not because of what people said or did to us (but again could heavily influence our thinking), or any weakness or strength. It is just our thinking and through the program you can learn to challenge that thinking with logic and win!

I have also run off many people and I am sorry that anybody has to go through that experience. It is not because you have the condition, it is because the other person either couldn't cope with the condition and felt hopeless of you getting over it or because they didn't want to cope with it. This condition is not easy for anyone and people don't leave because they hate you or because you aren't good enough, they leave because of their own needs and insecurities.

Mike

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Aug 05, 2010 7:06 am

Thanks Mike for your reply, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said they leave because of their on needs and insecurities. Although I was very hard to get along with I would burst out in a very angry way. I hate that about me and I am trying really hard to work on this. They say you take it out on the ones that you are the closes to. I am having a very hard time getting over this last relationship and that is when I have the anxiety attacks when I think about what I lost. I feel like I can't go on on some days and I feel so lost and alone. I don't want to be this weak and I hope this program will get me to where I feel that I don't have to have a man in my life to be happy. Thanks for responding....Have a good day....