new and frustrated

[Kaytbee]

I just started the program this week. I have been fighting depression, or giving in to depression, for 18 years now. I have five living children (one stillborn) and due to the fact that my husband was forced to resign from his job a year ago because of severe back pain, I am currently living with in-laws. Today, like many days lately, I want to SCREAM!! My mother-in-law is a very kind lady. She let us live in her home, she does so much for everyone, she is a very Christian woman, very generous and she has such a strong, work ethic. She does so much in a day and accomplishes so much. Maybe you see where I'm getting at already and maybe you don't. She really wants her house to stay as beautiful as it was before my husband and I came to live her. She wants dishes to be done and things picked up and put away. That really isn't much to ask. The first couple weeks it seemed to work out well. But I feel so out of control of my own life right now. She does a lot of work for me by gathering all my things everyday from the living room if I hadn't put them where they belong and putting them by my bedroom every day to greet me in the morning. She cooks most of the meals and even helps discipline my children. I am not a total wreck. I graduated from college, I teach homeschool to my wonderful children, I am involved here and there with different worthwhile things, but still I feel so useless and I don't know exactly what the next cds and workbooks will say or what techniques they will give me, but right now with week 1 it is so exhausting just to do little things each day. I can't shut off all the negativity and whirling thoughts in my own head. If she knew how much I hate my laziness worse than she does, or how I can't even concentrate or sleep or remember things I am suppose to do every day, if she knew how I wish I could just disappear from existence... I don't know, perhaps that wouldn't change anything. How could I ask a good woman like her to be patient with me when it is her house, it is all her generosity to me and my family. She has all the right in the world to call all the shots, to make certain rules, to expect certain things in payment for her letting us stay here, since otherwise we'd be out in the street.
My husband has seen my suffering for years and bought this program for me three years ago, but I never really started it. I lost the cd that is for other people to listen to so that they can show support and maybe understand what I am going through etc.
I want to let my mother-in-law know all that I suffer from (panic attacks, emotional eating/weight gain, anxiety and worry, a sinking depression, insomnia and lack of energy, headaches and tremendous neck tightness/pain, etc) but then that would only put me in a weaker position with her. It would only make me feel more ashamed and more out of control and more like she has more on me, more control of me, more evidence of weakness from me. I tried to start a list of things I would like to accomplish. I thought that maybe if I give each item 6 weeks then I could master it before going to the next one. I thought this because for 18+ years, I have either crammed a million things into my day that I wish I had as part of my routine or as part of my character or all would crash and I felt too overwhelmed to do anything at all. In other words it was feast or famine, all or nothing. I have started dozens of charts with myself or with my children to try and get things done but the charts just help for a few days or so and then I'm back to chaos. Anyway, I started to write a list of everything I thought was really important that I should be doing. I prioritized it and all that. One included bring in income so my poor husband doesn't have to worry so much about our financial crisis we are in. (He has been taking little odd jobs here and there like roofing a neighbor's house, etc until he finds permanent work somewhere, but I am too afraid of getting a job myself. That means I need to convince someone that I am valuable at something and I really don't feel I can do that at this time. Maybe I could work from home, but anyway...) Back to explaining this list I was writing up...it ended up being over 70 items long, but I didn't know what I could possibly drop. Will I ever be good at self-mastery? Anyway, just thought I would vent. I really feel misunderstood and alone and frustated.

[hopefullartist]

hi,kaytbee.im sorry to hear about your situation.remind yourself that its only temporary and things WILL get better.it might help to tell your mother-inlaw what your dealing with and let her listen to the 1st cd so she will better understand.being a christian woman ill bet she will.i started suffering with anx/dep in the 5th grade,im 48 now,and never told anyone till a couple of months ago,and just telling someone was the most freeing moment of my life,i was so tired of hiding it.after i did my life really began to change,i had more energy and determination than ever before,and now im always busy doing something rather than sitting around feeling depressed.try listening to sessions 2 and 3 a couple of times to begin to learn how to stop panic attacks,and to begin to build your self esteem up thru possitive self talk.thats what i did in the beggining and it really helped me. it takes practice but it works and you can always go back to the 1st session,then when you start on session 2 and 3 again it a little easier because youve allready begun to practice,and im sure you already know WHAT anx/dep is and what it feels like,but it is good to listen to session 1 a few times to get a better understanding,your relatives as well,you might be surprised by all the support you get,dont hide it any more.try to help out all you can to keep your mind busy and so you dont feel lazy,i know it can be hard at the begining but things will get better.let me know how things work out,keep your head up and god bless.

[kristenlbaker]

I think the best thing that you could do is to tell your mother in-law, you seem to have a great deal of respect for her and she may even be able to help you. These kinds of emotional things should never be hidden as it will cause more stress, depression and feelings of being trapped alone.
It is a process, I was there 8 years ago, but it is a decision you must make to commit yourself to making changes. You feel useless because of the depression and your lack of belief in yourself and possibly your understanding that most people go through anxiety and depression at one time in their lives. It is horrific and It is often misunderstood. You can get through this in put it in your past, talk with your mother in-law and tell her, open up to her, you will feel much more relief. Also, you have to push yourself to get up every morning, shower, make yourself look good, so than you feel good. Tell yourself you can do it and the more you do, the more energy you will gain. It will be hard at first, but take steps toward action.