New here help PLEASE

aknight · Post by **aknight** » Wed Jul 21, 2010 6:51 am

I am new to this forum. I am 28 and mother of 2.

I was diagnosed with panic dosorder in October 2009. Though I had mild anxiwety treated with Celexa for 4 years in college. I had my first panic attack on the way home from a weekend away and had to go to the ER for Valium to make the 4 hour drive home with my family (husband and 2 kids). After that I spent a week in shock and unable to do much which slowly got a little better. Then I had a second one a month later. It was horrible. The second really shook me. I was unable to do things for a bit. My husband had to drive us everywhere. I couldn't work some days, I shook, was scared of the next attack etc. I staerted Zoloft before the second one, journaling, reading alot (have Panic away, When Panic Attacks, The Anxiety and Phibia workbook), I did yoga each day, worked out each day, journaled to give positive statements and counter thoughts.

By 6 weeks After being on 50 mg Zoloft I was "ok". I was able to go on a trip for thanksgiving to GA (in a plane) using small amout of xanax to get there. I progressivly did get better and I know this bc I was doing things I couldnt do at one point and bc I did journal a little bit. I know in January I didnt have morning anxiety anymore. I was seeing a psycologist and working on CBT and my thought process. I "THOUGHT" he was helping etc. I was in a good place in May. I had gone on several trips with my family including car and plane rides, I had gone on one plane ride to FL with just my mom. I was working normally for months (I sub teach), I was doing normal things without a thought. So in March we started weaning down the Zoloft (1 month 25 mg, 1 month 12.5 mg, 2 months 12.5 mg every other day). Things were good. I had some anxiety now and again esp before my period but nothing terrible. I got discharged from therapy in the beggning of May. I was great! I went to Boston in May with my family and started to enjoy summer including alot of activities like swim lessons, going to our local amusement park etc. I even made it through an extremely provocing situation of redoing the outside of our house which took months and my husband unable to help me with the kids.

Well forward to 2 weeks ago. I was still taking the 12.5 mg Zoloft everyother day. It was the week before my period and I was feeling heightened anxiety. Alot had been going on in the week before that. We decided to put our house on the market. I love this house. We bought it from my parents 3 years ago and its the house I grew up in 5th grade up BUT it is kinda beyond our means. I am having trouble finding a teacing job here and subbing doesnt cut the bills and daycare. We are lucky enough that I have been able to work from home for my dads office BUT the pracice is being sold so he can retire and Ill likely lose that income around January. So without either income we are well not making it here. Even once I get a teacing job we are gonna be tight (not much left for extras and things tat happen with a house, college etc) with daycare etc. And we decided that wasnt the way we wanted to live why not sell the house and put the money into a cheaper house and have a next to nothing mortgage so the job thing wasnt as detrimental. Then some drama with my sister and her now ex happened involving supervised visits for him etc, and a friend who I have had emotional issues with for awhile now reared he ugly head again. It was ALOT of negative and negative thinking. What if I hurt her feelings or she gets mad if I tell her my thoughts? What if the house doesnt sell we are going to be on street? What if the house DOES sell how am I going to leav? Will my kids hate moving? Will they miss their daycare and will my daughter miss her school and friends? We were running around with showings and lessons and keeping house imaculate.

I noticed after that week that it was becoming harder to breathe. And then one day I just woke up with anxiety. I woke up and couldnt stop shaking, I couldnt eat, I felt like there was something on my chest and had to keep trying for deep breaths, I stopped going places. This went on for a couple days and then the depression came. I was soooo upset this was happening again. I called my therapist immediatly (psycologist) and had an apt where it seemed my anxiety and depression were mild. He suggested taking the 12.5 mg again daily and weekly sessions again to get it under control.

Well I went away that weekend as planned for my really good friends Bachlorette thing in VA. I was a mess. My husband is my safe person. Treaveling without him is a nightmare when Im like this. I had to take .25 mg 3 times that day to make it through the 2.5 hour car trip, bridal tea, and pre going out games at her house. I declined going out in the limo to bars with them. I couldnt do it. I had to have husband drive back to spend night with me fromm where he was visiting family with the kids (2 hours past where I was) and we had to skip seeing a couple more friends the day after that would have added on 3 hours of driving time. I know they were upset and one had just had a new baby. I just didnt know how Id make it. I wasnt panic attacks but it was just non stop anxiety.

Since then, a mess.... I was at least able to drive places last week. This week I went to grocery store with my husband Monday. He is out of town last night and now tonight (prob not helping). I made it to take kids to daycare Tuesday there and back twice (5 min drive each way) and then out fto ride a horse I ride 2 times a week (20 min drive) THAT was too much for me. I got super nervous esp bc husband out of town. I started realizing my left arm was hurting and tingling (same thing that happened with second attack) and then my tummy got all knoted up. I had to call epople just to get me tere and once there had to taje 12.5 mg xanax. I was ok a bit after that. Still nervious but not panicy. Today I made it to my kids dental apts and hopefully mine later but it is a struggle.

Like literally 3 weeks ago I was driving every where no care listening to loud music etc now I cant listen to anything but relaxation cds. AND we are supposed to go to the lake house (3 hours away) this weekend which I am telling our friends we are going alone now AND we may have an offer on the house tonight.

My mom (who went thorough same thing, as well as 2 my sisters) said just take it off the market and try again when better. Part of me doesnt wanna do that bc of money etc and the fact that although our house is big and beautiful and updated and in the sought after school district it has a hill for a driveway and people get scared of it so it takes a certain person.... but HOW am I going to be ok to move in a month or 2? HOW?? I dont even know how to get to the lake this weekend for what was planned to be a relaxing trip. I cant make any decisions and I have let the anxiety scare me again enough to where it scares me doing daily things outside of home.

Im trying to relearn things in my books. Admittedly I STOPPED doing things once felt better. I stopped religiously working out after March, I stopped journaling religiously around then and doing yoga, I stopped talking about things... Sorry so long. How did I get here again it makes me feel like its forever

cuttingirl · Post by **cuttingirl** » Wed Jul 21, 2010 9:09 am

Welcome to the forum. You're experiencing some really big external stressors. Because they seem overwhelming, your brain is reverting back to the old ways of thinking reacting and coping-- the anxiety, physical symptoms, panic attacks, agoraphobia-- because it was automatic for you for so long. It's hard and takes time to change. All it means is that you're human and doing the best you can right now. You are a very articulate intelligent person, I can tell. I'm sorry you are suffering. I'm really glad you are reaching out on here-- a sign that you desperately want to feel better. Try to go easy on yourself. I know how hard it is when you're in the midst of all the external stressors and also trying to make your way of the tangle of your own thoughts and sensations... it can be like waiting for a hurricane to pass over. But it always passes. Start small-- comfort yourself in some small way that is manageable such as taking time to prepare something healthy to eat, or walking around the block, or playing with one of your children, maybe get to a yoga class or write in your journal. Distraction is really helpful when everything closes in on you. Right now it's as though you're looking at the whole elephant and deciding to eat the whole thing and beating yourself up for not being able to do it... comfort yourself and the re-group. God didn't do it all in one day, so the story goes, so why should you. I hope this helps.

aknight · Post by **aknight** » Wed Jul 21, 2010 2:59 pm

Thank you so much that is true. I am trying to fix it all at once. I think because I was feeling SOOO good after my incident last October and November that I am just discouraged at feeling back to square one. I DID order the program today. Made an appt with a good psychiatrist and I am going to therapy with my psycologist weekly so I hope to pull out quickly.

I do remember that starting my Zoloft the last time was hell for a good 3 weeks and suddenly 4 to 5 weeks in I felt a cloud lifting. Like it gt worse before it got better? I have only been tapering back up for a week from 12.5 everyother day to now 25 mg a day so that might have something to do with it feeling completely crazy all at once.

I did end up canceling our lake vacation for this weekend thinking it was just too much and I needed to be gentle with myself. I also called off work tommorow. With Husband gone the past 3 days it has been alot so I thought it best and husband said its not like I have to sit home. I can go out and do something that I can leave if I feel uncomfi. You cant leave teaching ha!

That said how much do I let myself be comforted during this vulnerable time when the meds are not kicked in as they were but I feel horrible? My mom said to just wait it out and do what I can and THEN work on myself recovering. Shes been through it before.

However the house thing is another issue.... any ideas on that? We are moving 30 minutes away from area now so not a huge move but a def change and overwhelming change... Do we back out now till next Spring when better? We will be tight on money and have to borrow from my parents once I lose my job. And we might lose that special person to buy. I said today if it was meant to sell it would and if not we would take it off the market August 1st but no idea what to push and what not to push...

cuttingirl · Post by **cuttingirl** » Wed Jul 21, 2010 5:22 pm

Yes, trying to fix it all at once is like looking at a pile of food that's all the food you'll eat over your entire life and trying to have it all right then and there. Refocus, regroup and ask GOd/ Holy SPirit/ Buddha/ Krishna/ yourself for a new perception.

I think because I was feeling SOOO good after my incident last October and November that I am just discouraged at feeling back to square one

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You can never go backwards; you're making progress you just don't realize it. Right now you're at a wall made of dovetailing bricks anticipatory anxiety, self-dount, and negative thinking.

I DID order the program today. Made an appt with a good psychiatrist and I am going to therapy with my psycologist weekly so I hope to pull out quickly.

Big congrtulations!! the program is the BEST set of tools for recovery from this emotional disorder. It WORKS. I'm so happy you ordered it. In the meantime, you can pick up a copu pf From Panic to Power. You ordering the program is more evidence that you will get through this- you're bright, creative, tenacious. If you can tap into activities or people that recharge you, you can declutter your mind and achieve synchronicity.

Think of this time in your life as a growth spurt, and the troublesome thoughts, panic attacks, sensations, agoraphobia as memories of the way you used to do things. GO easy on yourself. Be nice to you, aknight. I'm half asleep. I hope you are resting on the inside. I'm off to have a staring contest with my eyelids.