How do you deal with this?

newrunner · Post by **newrunner** » Thu Jul 15, 2010 7:45 am

Hello-

I have a sister who lives in Holland. We see each other about 1 time per year, when she brings her kids over to see our parents. Here is the issue-

While here on a "visit", she works. (this is occurring now) No visiting. She dumps her kids on my folks and me and expects us to care for them 100%. My parents are 66 and 74 and are POOPED, but would never speak up because then they wouldn't see the grandkids. She writes and occasional e-mail and barely ever calls to me while in Holland. She recently sent a message that she "can't wait to see us" and when she gets here and I ask "how are you?" She said Tired. Nothing else. She wants me and my kids to go on vacation with her, but it doesn't feel right. She never asks about my life and so far this week since arriving on Sunday afternoon, I have spoken to her about 10 minutes, and it's now Thursday afternoon. She is 1.9 miles away from me and is leaving at 7am Sat.

She is shallow and self-centered and if I am with her in a room, I am still alone. She is my only sibling.

I on the other hand, am about 6 inches wide and a mile deep. My husband said that she probably has no clue that I feel hurt/sad/mad because her focus is on herself and her life is "good". She is not open to conversation.

So-- the Walton family is one that I would like to have, but I was not born into that. How do you disassociate yourself from the pain of rejection and not take it personally? I wonder if I need to go to a counselor. I feel better about it than I used to because I like the choices that I have made in my life and think I'm doing well, but the rejection makes you feel like something is wrong with you. Can I feel bad and have something be wrong with her, not me??

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 15, 2010 2:39 pm

Newrunner,

Your sister has the problem, not you. She sounds totally focused on her career/job/whatever she is doing and doesn't value her family. Or perhaps she is overwhelmed with work and really has no time for you. Don't know her and if she has always been like this, so you'll have to be the judge of that. I am not close to several of my siblings and it makes me sad, but that is just the way reality is. A LOT of people on these boards have talked about not having close family relationships, so you are not experiencing anything unusual. I know it is hard to deal with, but I don't think you should take it as a personal rejection; more like that is just your sister's behavior pattern and since she is getting a gain from it (free babysitting) then it will continue. It is probably good for the grandkids that they at least get to see their grandparents and aunt for a little each year. At least they know you all.

Yes, you can feel bad and have something be wrong with her , not you, because you have hopes and expectations that she is not fulfilling. I am sorry that you two are not close--it is sad and she will probably come to regret it when she gets older. But don't beat yourself up about it and you know from the program that you can't make another person change. So you just have to decide to be happy with what you have and not let her distancing herself from you drag you down. And remember, nothing is wrong with you in this situation!!! From your posts that I have read in the past, I would be thrilled to have you for my sister, so your sister is the one who is missing out on something wonderful.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 15, 2010 3:09 pm

EXCELLENT reply, Samcat. I agree wholeheartedly. Have been in similar situations with my siblings and one daughter. I tell myself the love is the only reality, and if they choose not to particiapate in that, it is their loss, their problem. We need to just keep them in our prayers and ask God to soften their hearts and help us to see them as He sees them. Then let it go and love yourself!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Jul 16, 2010 1:23 pm

Thanks so much for your kind replies. It always feels like "you are the only one" doesn't it?? But, I can see, I am not.

Today my kids and I, my sister and her kids, my folks, my uncle and my grandma got together for a picnic/party thing. Still no real conversation and when they were leaving (came with my folks) she thanked me for watching her kids and said that "heh,heh, with her work schedule, this is the only way that she could get the kids together. Maybe better next year" and zoomed off. This from the woman who vacations 2 weeks at a time about 4-5 times per year.

I will take your words to heart and enjoy me. and find some surrogate sisters.
Samcat- if you want to be sisters, I'd love to.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Jul 16, 2010 2:18 pm

Sounds good to me!! I like surrogate sisters--then you get to pick the ones you like:) I have thought you are terrific ever since you gave the program to Jenny. You didn't hesitate to help her-you just jumped right in with help. That was very kind and generous, so I can tell you are a good person.