Why do I feel bad about this?

tweaky1h · Post by **tweaky1h** » Fri Dec 28, 2007 2:56 am

All my newly learned skills are being put to the test: My cousin and I come from a severely dysfunctional family full of drug/alcohol abuse, abandonment, and general chaos. We've always been there for each other, but she's bi-polar so I've been more the 'anchor' for her. We were both abandoned by our fathers and mothers but I've since reestablished a relationship with my mom. Because of her wild mood swings, I am the last relative who will speak to her. Anyway, I am recovering from a terrible bout of anxiety/depression and doing very well (session 13) and love the program. She is in the midst of a terrible depression due to her grandmother and father dying the same week in September. Her father left her exactly $1 in his will, the grandmother left her nothing. Through this, she has turned to me, crying on my shoulder, and I have been there all along even though I wasn't always feeling my best either. Yesterday she told me that because of other deaths in the family she will inherit her fathers 401k of $380,000. I know I should only feel happy for her good fortune, and she surely deserves this, but why do I feel bad? All I'm thinking is I'll never get any windfall, my kids won't get an education fund, we'll still just scrape by month to month. Why is her good fortune making me feel sorry for myself? This is negative thinking and I don't want it. I believe strongly in this program so I'm going to listen to previous sessions to ensure this doesn't become something to obsess over. Worse, I don't want this to come between us. Does anyone have any insight in this? I feel like we've been treading water, me holding her head up, and she's been rescued and I've been left to tread water some more.

TroubledSue · Post by **TroubledSue** » Fri Dec 28, 2007 4:19 am

I think if I heard of anyone getting almost 400,000 dollars, I'd be "happy" but at the same time, I'd want a piece! You feel you don't "deserve" the money because she's getting it and you aren't. The fact is, its all paperwork, and even though you both have had it rough, and you've been there for her, it doesn't mean you don't deserve it, just that the cards didn't fall right. But I wouldn't worry. If my best friend told me she was getting 400,000 dollars, I'd be like "Ugh, why does she get free money and I still have to work. Now shes gonna have all this good stuff and I'll still have crap." Money is the root of all evil, and unless you can look strictly at life through the eyes of someone who is completely non materialistic, which I believe is not possible, I'd say you're feeling normal about the situation.

Karmerri · Post by **Karmerri** » Fri Dec 28, 2007 6:59 am

tweaky1h, to be honest, i would feel the same way as you. as a matter of fact, there are many times i've felt that way and some didn't even have to do with money! I really think the main reason you feel that way is b/c you helped her so much through her pain and depression when you could've been giving yourself the reassurance, compassion and attention to get you through your anxiety/depression. It's like we are such good people and want to help everyone, but we forget to take care of ourselves in the process. and what do we end up with? kinda resentful and with nothing to show for it! try to let it go, and remember, although it would be nice to have money come, i don't want it if it means i lost someone. Anyways, in this day and age, unfortunately, somebody can blow that amount of money in no time.

Liesl · Post by **Liesl** » Wed Jan 02, 2008 5:47 pm

Maybe you feel she is bragging a bit. I don't think it was right that she told you the amount. What kind of reaction was she expecting?

My dad gave up a huge chunch of money when his dad died to his brother, so that he could have the family cabin and 40 acres with a lake. His brother spent it all in less than 1 year (close to 400,000). It goes quick if you are not responsible. He could have been set for life if he played his cards right. Could it be that you are afraid she is not going to be responsible with it and that if you had it, you know you would be??

I hope it all works out. Maybe just saying something to her, like, "Mom, wow, that's great! If you play your cards right, you could be set for life!" would help you feel more at ease.

Moontale · Post by **Moontale** » Wed Jan 02, 2008 8:41 pm

Is normal you feel that way.........I think that if I had chocolate and I eat it in front of somebody else and don't offer anything...most likely the other person is going to feel I am selfish........ wich could be true, or could be that I never ate chocolate before and I and I don't know how to handle it..... but just think we all usually think that the grass is greener in the other side.......is doesn't have to do with anxiety, is human nature

You are human!!

Barb G. · Post by **Barb G.** » Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:09 am

Your feelings are normal. Who knows maybe she'll be helping you now instead of you her. Maybe you could be honest with her and share your feelings. I'm sure if it was the other way around she'd be envious of you. Don't let it hinder your friendship. Believe for the best and leave the rest.

tweaky1h · Post by **tweaky1h** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 9:19 am

Thanks everyone for your understanding and support. Thanks to this program I am not letting this become an obsession and have been able to laugh about it a bit. She is very irresponsible with money and I do fear she'll blow it. I know it's going to be a struggle not to get catty about the money. The other day she called me to buy her daughters girl scout cookies. Mind you, I live many states away, but I said fine, and sent her a check for 3 boxes. She then casually mentioned that she's trying to reach the 150 box mark and I wanted to say "then buy all 150 and donate them to a food shelter". It's just cattiness on my part and I don't need it. I do think she could have said she got her fathers 401k and left it at that. Oh well. I can't change her. I can't change it. I can only change my response to it, and I choose to under react.