I feel like my brain is turning to mush... please help...

[dana_shae]

Hi everyone. Here I am again to rant and rave about how awful I am feeling. 0 motivation to move half the time. 0 motivation to communicate with others. 0 motivation to work, which is causing serious financial problems and relationship problems. I'm just gonna break it down and be brutally honest despite my shame. In the last month, I have not went to one class, I have not worked one hour, I have not done much of anything but sit in my living room or bedroom, glued to my computer, filling my days with dumb internet games. I wish I could say I was addicted to some hyped game like WoW, not true. The games I play are puzzle and logic games, and worst of all, versions of solitaire. My poor husband. I make him dinner, I go have lunch with him, but I haven't really kept up the housework. I have about 3-4 loads of clean laundry laying on the love seat in my living room that have been there for days, maybe a week, that I have yet to fold and put away. Meanwhile, laundry is piling up yet again, money is soooo tight we don't have toilet paper and we've eaten versions of hamburger 3 nights this week. We can't live on one income, but I'm just so blah. I went through a pretty rough depression period the last week, I still feel it rearing it's ugly head. My therapist says I need to get a job and that will take away alot of the stresses with money and the strain on my relationship with my husband. But I just can't bring myself to do anything. I've been doing some work at home jobs which went well, but just stopped. One little thing happened, and I just stopped. I've stopped everything. I was supposed to go out of state last month to visit my Mom and I had so much anxiety about going I was in panic attack mode when we were packing. At the last minute we ended up not going. Not because of me, but I was somewhat relieved, but also angry that I couldn't make it happen. Now, there's a music festival down there at the end of this month. I've never missed it and several of my friends from here are going with us. I'm so worried that I won't be able to bring myself to do it. I'm even more worried that I have gotten myself so isolated that being around that many people will freak me out and I won't let myself have a good time. I'm worried about everything! I think I need to listen to my tapes again. Geez... I'm really what if-ing now that I put it in black and white. It's like this, there are things that I would like to do, and need to do. Work, go out, have fun, not worry so much. I keep putting it all off until it's too late. I don't know what to do to get some motivation. I have a friend who is going through a divorce and he is very upset about it. I've been there for him, but today I found myself telling him, "U know what ur problem is? U don't have anything to look forward to. U need to find something in ur life to excite u about waking up." Oh how true that is for me. But what can do that when u feel so uninterested about everything. Even the things u used to enjoy. My therapist is really pushing a med change too. As have 3 doctors in the last 3 years, but I am hesitant. Not hesitant, refusing. I'm comfortable with my meds. I've taken the same one at the same dosage for nearly 5 years. It's a baby dose anti-depressant, I know I should be taking something stronger, but I am very anti-meds, and would love to conquer this on my own. The thing is, I don't want to be dependent. I am already obviously dependent on a pill that isn't even working for me anymore, so I'm sure I won't come off or down from something else. I don't want to take a higher dose that will give me seizures when I do come down or off. Oh, and one more thing. My sleep schedule is so screwed up and has been for over a month as well. I am still awake at 8:36 am. I sleep basically from 10 am til about 6 pm everyday. I've tried to get it straight. It works for a day or two, but then right back to this. I hate waking up anymore. It's another day in the same ol' thing. I wake up, let my dog out, get back in my bed, play online, go eat lunch with my husband, come home, play more, pick up the house alil, wait for him to come home, and cook. Then its back to playing online again while he sleeps. Don't get me wrong, on his off days, we have people over, we go places, we get out of the house, but as soon as I return home, there it is again. Worthless, lifeless, motionless. This is so far from who I was a year ago. I don't know what's happening to me, but I'd like it to stop now! The worst part is that I don't see or talk to that many people each day, nor do I think about anything very important, so I feel like my mind is literally turning to mush. I can't concentrate, or even have those sharp witty thoughts I used to have! Then, that turns into those thoughts of, "well, here it is. U knew u'd go crazy someday. This is the beginning of that." How do I get out of this rut? Please help?! All advice is appreciated! Okay, enough ranting. I think I'm going to go play online some more. Maybe do some laundry. Morning all!

[Maxamillion]

well it seems like you are really letting this eat you up. I can try to give you advice from my own experience. when I was at my lowest I decided that I didn't have to work just because I just felt so blaahhh fifteen months later I had lost the person that I loved the most because I was so lost in my own head that I did not realize what this does to your spouse I have to tell you eventually they will become tired off all the crazyness and they will leave you. Then you will have something to be depressed about...take control of your emotions and realize that once you get back out there and you are doing somethig with your life....you will start to heal but you have to start doing something about it...not play computer games..take care of your husband and your home and your mind........and remember this impacts everyone around you. start with small steps BUT START NOW....when you have a good moment and start planning for the day...finish what you have planned and don't get distracted by anything....take care Maxamillion