Hi folks -
I've been going though a major test of patience over the past few weeks and am barely surviving. As I type this, I have such a knot in my chest and am so angry I just want to cry.
My parents are visiting from out of state. I want them to just go home. I'm afraid that when it comes down to it, I just do not like my parents as people. That makes me so sad. I feel like I "should" like them and "should" respect them and I really want to. I want to be that woman who looks up to her parents and thinks that they are wonderful, healthy people that I want to model my life after. I want to look at them and have these wonderful childhood memories of us all skipping through the rose garden.
But the truth is, I just don't.
When I'm around them, they push every little buried button of childhood sadness that I have (apparently) not let go.
Instead of reacting to all of their triggers, I just get quite and say nothing. My mom says that I look like I'm angry at the world, and I probably do. But it's just from me trying so hard not to scream at them both.
I've been trying to be a good hostess, I've brought them to a few tourist attractions in the city, to which my father says, out loud, Big Whoop and Who Cares. I've turned the heat up in my house to 72 degress and brought out every blanket that I had because my mom sits on the couch making shivering noises like a whiney 6 year old. I woke up yesterday with such ezcema on my face from the hot air blowing in my house, that my eye was swollen shut from my skin being so irriated.
I'm sure their offences seems silly, my husband can't figure out what I'm so upset about. Of course he doesn't have the emotional history, or you might say, the things I hold against my parents from childhood, like the alchoholism, the untreated depression, the emotional abscence.
I know alot of my anger is at myself for wanting to have this loving, respectful relationship with my parents. A fantasy relationship that just doesn't and never has exisisted.
How are ways that you cope through the triggers? Do I just never invite them over? How to do reconcile the hurt from your childhood when you've grown up? How do you love your parents when you don't like them?
Thanks for listening...
Angry at my parents and feeling guilty about it
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Guest
Hi LovePhob,
Unfortunately, I do not know how to reconcile childhood hurt but have found that in my own parental situation, love is there whether I want it to be or not.
I have recently realized that each parent is just person that we can not control. Though you may want their approval, love, respect and recognition, you do not need it. And, though you feel that you "should" respect them, it sounds like they do not really respect you. This is just one area of my expectations, that I am learning to lower so that I can let go of related anger.
Be sure to take care of yourself first. Instead of letting anger dwell in you, be assertive when you can. Above all - don't make yourself miserable for anyone that you already know you can not make happy.
Unfortunately, I do not know how to reconcile childhood hurt but have found that in my own parental situation, love is there whether I want it to be or not.
I have recently realized that each parent is just person that we can not control. Though you may want their approval, love, respect and recognition, you do not need it. And, though you feel that you "should" respect them, it sounds like they do not really respect you. This is just one area of my expectations, that I am learning to lower so that I can let go of related anger.
Be sure to take care of yourself first. Instead of letting anger dwell in you, be assertive when you can. Above all - don't make yourself miserable for anyone that you already know you can not make happy.
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Guest
hi,
i know how hard it must be for you as you were with your parents trying to be a good hostess and it seemed like everything that you did was wrong..i do not think that it was you but them.maybe they were feeling a little bad about the way that they treated you when you were growing up.. some parents do not know how to say i am sorry for what happened when you were growing up and i was not there for you..
the reason that i am say this is because of the way that i was brought up..
when we go to see my step daughter all they do is argue all the time. it was christmas day and they would not let the grand kids play with their toys. they did not want the house messed up with all the new things that they wanted to play with...i wanted to say something but did not. some times i think that it is better to be quite..we all need to forgive others so that we can move on. if we hold on to things that have bothered us in the past then we do not let go..it will hold us back..i hope it helps you a little. i wish you the best in 08 and, may this be your year to shine.. know that you are in our thoughts and prayers and GOD BLESS..if you like look at my profile and it will tell you a little of what i have gone through but came out on top.
don
i know how hard it must be for you as you were with your parents trying to be a good hostess and it seemed like everything that you did was wrong..i do not think that it was you but them.maybe they were feeling a little bad about the way that they treated you when you were growing up.. some parents do not know how to say i am sorry for what happened when you were growing up and i was not there for you..
the reason that i am say this is because of the way that i was brought up..
when we go to see my step daughter all they do is argue all the time. it was christmas day and they would not let the grand kids play with their toys. they did not want the house messed up with all the new things that they wanted to play with...i wanted to say something but did not. some times i think that it is better to be quite..we all need to forgive others so that we can move on. if we hold on to things that have bothered us in the past then we do not let go..it will hold us back..i hope it helps you a little. i wish you the best in 08 and, may this be your year to shine.. know that you are in our thoughts and prayers and GOD BLESS..if you like look at my profile and it will tell you a little of what i have gone through but came out on top.
don
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Guest
Thanks.
Wanting more - You're absolutely right about wanting their approval but not needing it. I really do just want to kick and scream until I get it. But at least I have the clarity (although I do forget every once in a while) to know that it ain't coming anytime soon so I might as well get on with things.
D - I do need to get better at the balance between being quiet and letting go vs. being quiet and stewing. Unfortunatly, I do not beleive my parents have the self awareness to feel bad about the past or about how their actions effect others today.
I appriciate both of your replies, sometimes it just helps to know that I'm not a bad person for not liking my parents. I meditated a little bit and released some of the tension then went running, felt much better.
But now I'm sitting on the couch with them opposite ends of the living room listening to them snip at each other and my shoulders are moving slowly towards my ears...
But what I do know is that this intense anger will pass. Even today it has had it's ebbs and flows.
This is only a test and only a test...
p.s. D - what a great love story in your bio. I'll have to update mine, especially considering my screen name was created when I started a relationship with a man who I now proudly call my husband...
Wanting more - You're absolutely right about wanting their approval but not needing it. I really do just want to kick and scream until I get it. But at least I have the clarity (although I do forget every once in a while) to know that it ain't coming anytime soon so I might as well get on with things.
D - I do need to get better at the balance between being quiet and letting go vs. being quiet and stewing. Unfortunatly, I do not beleive my parents have the self awareness to feel bad about the past or about how their actions effect others today.
I appriciate both of your replies, sometimes it just helps to know that I'm not a bad person for not liking my parents. I meditated a little bit and released some of the tension then went running, felt much better.
But now I'm sitting on the couch with them opposite ends of the living room listening to them snip at each other and my shoulders are moving slowly towards my ears...
But what I do know is that this intense anger will pass. Even today it has had it's ebbs and flows.
This is only a test and only a test...
p.s. D - what a great love story in your bio. I'll have to update mine, especially considering my screen name was created when I started a relationship with a man who I now proudly call my husband...
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Guest
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Guest
Hi LovePhob,
Although this is few hours after your initial upset, I nevertheless can definately understand what you're going through. It seems that my mom and dad have been battling each other for the last fifty-some years of their marriage. We kids (and I'm 53 now) were always the ones in the middle getting emotionally battered. We were their shields who they used as battering rams with their words of hurt and anger. I was born second to the oldest but we traded positions so that I ended up being the protector and yes, helped raise my younger siblings. Ends up my mom was emotionally ill and pretty unstable most of the times. I realize now that she too suffered from severe anxiety and depression. )and still does) She had been treated for schizophrenia and depression in the early 1960's.
For years I always wanted to please both of them. I wanted that dream of a wonderful patient mother where I could lay my head on her lap for comfort. It never happened. Instead I turned to comforting my siblings so that to this day they mention recalling I was their "mom". It's okay, I learned to forgive and accept the fact that my mother was emotionally ill and unable to provide.
Infact my mom thinks to day she was the greatest mom we ever could have wanted. Years ago, when we were sitting around the her kitchen table she had asked what I thought about life as a child in our household. I told her very calmly, "I think it would have been kinder if you and dad would have gotten a divorce instead of using us as battering rams." I was already married like twenty years when I finally could tell her that. (Besides I had my own home and family where I could run to!) She didn't blow up or get emotionally upset. Just a little sad. It was the truth. But I also told her, I loved her and accepted her regardless. I think that made her happy.
To this day though, when we're together, my mom and dad are at each other verbally abusive and in your words a "major test of patience" and sometimes a pain in the rear. To add to that, for years before I was always constantly seeking her approval, love, support and felt so shortchanged.
LovePhob, keep talking to your husband, let him in on what you recall as those childhood moments. I talked to my children, who were teenagers then, to stop any cycle from starting or rekindling. I didn't want them growing up like me. Anxietied, fearful, panicky, wanting acceptance after years of emotional abuse.
I've talked to them about patience, kindness, and no drugs and alcohol which can turn people ugly.
It's okay to get discouraged with your folks. Don't expect them to change and don't keep thinking they'll get enlightened. I realized when I was a teenager that my best friend's family was way different than mine. They were kinder with each other. I learned the difference and made myself a promise to provide that type of environment for my own children.
It's fortunate you have your own home and Thank God you can keep at a distance. I love my folks, I accept them for who they are, and what they are, but I don't have to live with them!! I visit and when it starts to get ugly, I say, "Well nice to see you!" "See you later! Love ya" They then calm down.
When your folks visit again, and it starts to get ugly, or whinnier, go ahead and make a trip to the market. Breathe in, out, say "Got to go the market, see you in an hour! Love ya" They won't know what hit them. (They have no audience then, only each other to act out and that gets boring). Try it-you'll like it, they wont.
Although this is few hours after your initial upset, I nevertheless can definately understand what you're going through. It seems that my mom and dad have been battling each other for the last fifty-some years of their marriage. We kids (and I'm 53 now) were always the ones in the middle getting emotionally battered. We were their shields who they used as battering rams with their words of hurt and anger. I was born second to the oldest but we traded positions so that I ended up being the protector and yes, helped raise my younger siblings. Ends up my mom was emotionally ill and pretty unstable most of the times. I realize now that she too suffered from severe anxiety and depression. )and still does) She had been treated for schizophrenia and depression in the early 1960's.
For years I always wanted to please both of them. I wanted that dream of a wonderful patient mother where I could lay my head on her lap for comfort. It never happened. Instead I turned to comforting my siblings so that to this day they mention recalling I was their "mom". It's okay, I learned to forgive and accept the fact that my mother was emotionally ill and unable to provide.
Infact my mom thinks to day she was the greatest mom we ever could have wanted. Years ago, when we were sitting around the her kitchen table she had asked what I thought about life as a child in our household. I told her very calmly, "I think it would have been kinder if you and dad would have gotten a divorce instead of using us as battering rams." I was already married like twenty years when I finally could tell her that. (Besides I had my own home and family where I could run to!) She didn't blow up or get emotionally upset. Just a little sad. It was the truth. But I also told her, I loved her and accepted her regardless. I think that made her happy.
To this day though, when we're together, my mom and dad are at each other verbally abusive and in your words a "major test of patience" and sometimes a pain in the rear. To add to that, for years before I was always constantly seeking her approval, love, support and felt so shortchanged.
LovePhob, keep talking to your husband, let him in on what you recall as those childhood moments. I talked to my children, who were teenagers then, to stop any cycle from starting or rekindling. I didn't want them growing up like me. Anxietied, fearful, panicky, wanting acceptance after years of emotional abuse.
I've talked to them about patience, kindness, and no drugs and alcohol which can turn people ugly.
It's okay to get discouraged with your folks. Don't expect them to change and don't keep thinking they'll get enlightened. I realized when I was a teenager that my best friend's family was way different than mine. They were kinder with each other. I learned the difference and made myself a promise to provide that type of environment for my own children.
It's fortunate you have your own home and Thank God you can keep at a distance. I love my folks, I accept them for who they are, and what they are, but I don't have to live with them!! I visit and when it starts to get ugly, I say, "Well nice to see you!" "See you later! Love ya" They then calm down.
When your folks visit again, and it starts to get ugly, or whinnier, go ahead and make a trip to the market. Breathe in, out, say "Got to go the market, see you in an hour! Love ya" They won't know what hit them. (They have no audience then, only each other to act out and that gets boring). Try it-you'll like it, they wont.
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Guest
I think I needed to read this tonight. I too have been having trouble letting go of my childhood trauma. Let's just say alcoholism, abuse and neglect. I have realized that I am not alone and I know that you can't change the past. But, I also still wish sometimes that I could have my mothers love and approval, she loves booze more. And I am angry for the childhood I had. I want her to apologize to me too.
Needless to say I could rot waiting for these things to happen. I know that, but the letting go is hard. I have used it as a protective mechanism for so long it's like an old friend. Lucinda talks about negative thoughts being addictive and I think maybe this would be the case for my holding onto the pain of the past.
Anyhow, I wish there was a To Do list for getting over your past and letting go, but there isn't and so I will just continue doing the best I can. I hope you can forgive and let go, too. It's not easy, but i think we will all be happier!
Needless to say I could rot waiting for these things to happen. I know that, but the letting go is hard. I have used it as a protective mechanism for so long it's like an old friend. Lucinda talks about negative thoughts being addictive and I think maybe this would be the case for my holding onto the pain of the past.
Anyhow, I wish there was a To Do list for getting over your past and letting go, but there isn't and so I will just continue doing the best I can. I hope you can forgive and let go, too. It's not easy, but i think we will all be happier!
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Ms. Hopeful
- Posts: 63
- Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2009 10:34 am
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Guest
What an appropriate topic for me to come across as well. Although, I can't be angry at my parents, because in my opinion, my parents were my grandparents (in title) and my mother is a spoiled-rotten brat who has yet to grow up. My grandparents are now gone. My grandfather, my dad, my hero, left me this last September 6 days after turning 90.
My mother, the only adopted child of two parents who were well into their 40's was never accepted by the rest of their family and we knew that when he left, the family would extracate myself and my other members out of their life as quickly as possible.
My grandfather, a self-made man, always made me wonder if he ever was proud of me, but now, I will never really know. So all I can do, is continue to live by the 'code' in which he taught me respect, business, self-sufficiency and encouragement.
My mother, on the other hand has refused to ever admit that she couldn't raise me AND my siblings therefore 'I have no right to call myself the daughter of my grandfather...' although technically she signed guardianship over to them prior to my teens and I resided with them until the day I moved out (and mind you NEVER had to return home).
She on the other hand, has moved in with my husband and I twice, this last time was a period of 3 years, 2 of which she remain unemployed and leaching off the estate which was being used to support my Grandfather in his failing health. Now, despite the lack of monies and my constant struggle to make ends meet because of an over extensive depression (diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome) and an undiagnosed social phobia and anxiety problem, I am constantly using my abilities as a computer geek to find new ways to make money from home. Some work, some don't.
It took my mother almost 5 weeks to move her items out of a 10 X 10 room with her 'brand new car' that she feels she can afford now because she is the sole beneficiary of my grandfather's estate. I have not seen a dime from her for 3 years of catering and supporting her when in fact she never supported me...
As a mother, she is worthless. As a human being... I am still debating that factor even more so now since her greed has shown me her true colors.
Now, here I sit at the first of the year thinking this year was going to get better, but just watching things crumble before they get better...
Every month, since September, I have lost someone close to me. A family member and/or a pet. Tonight, the agonizing decision to put my last dog down was made and here I sit with no one to cry to, no one to talk to. Husband doesn't deal with my emotions well at all.
I have struggled for over 15 days now with a back that will not straighten out, I have no medical insurance, and have already visited the hospital once for it and my Rx's for the pain are already gone. My mouth is lacking serious dental care and I am now battling again, another absess tooth.
This is JUST the top of the Sundae so to speak. There are more serious underlying and deeper things that dig and fester with me nightly. Now... it's 1 AM, I can't sleep despite taking my last pain pill and I am crying so hard my eyes are swollen and I can't see the monitor for the tears.
I kicked my mom out of my house, have caught her lieing to me (for years), and I am losing the only thing that has been there unconditionally for me... my dog. I can't find the silver lining anymore.... and because of it, I am driving away some good friends. I don't trust anyone and I run if I see things just going slightly awry...
And all I want is my mom... cause I never really had one. My anger delves so deep that I am beyond forgiveness and the resentment delves even deeper.
How does one explain to those that would give anything to spend another moment with their mother that you would rather never see yours again?
I am new here, and I don't live what most might consider a 'normal' life, but it suits me. The problem... is finding a way to do deal with what 'SHOULD' have been normal as the abnormal things are what make me feel alive.
Thanks for listening.
My mother, the only adopted child of two parents who were well into their 40's was never accepted by the rest of their family and we knew that when he left, the family would extracate myself and my other members out of their life as quickly as possible.
My grandfather, a self-made man, always made me wonder if he ever was proud of me, but now, I will never really know. So all I can do, is continue to live by the 'code' in which he taught me respect, business, self-sufficiency and encouragement.
My mother, on the other hand has refused to ever admit that she couldn't raise me AND my siblings therefore 'I have no right to call myself the daughter of my grandfather...' although technically she signed guardianship over to them prior to my teens and I resided with them until the day I moved out (and mind you NEVER had to return home).
She on the other hand, has moved in with my husband and I twice, this last time was a period of 3 years, 2 of which she remain unemployed and leaching off the estate which was being used to support my Grandfather in his failing health. Now, despite the lack of monies and my constant struggle to make ends meet because of an over extensive depression (diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome) and an undiagnosed social phobia and anxiety problem, I am constantly using my abilities as a computer geek to find new ways to make money from home. Some work, some don't.
It took my mother almost 5 weeks to move her items out of a 10 X 10 room with her 'brand new car' that she feels she can afford now because she is the sole beneficiary of my grandfather's estate. I have not seen a dime from her for 3 years of catering and supporting her when in fact she never supported me...
As a mother, she is worthless. As a human being... I am still debating that factor even more so now since her greed has shown me her true colors.
Now, here I sit at the first of the year thinking this year was going to get better, but just watching things crumble before they get better...
Every month, since September, I have lost someone close to me. A family member and/or a pet. Tonight, the agonizing decision to put my last dog down was made and here I sit with no one to cry to, no one to talk to. Husband doesn't deal with my emotions well at all.
I have struggled for over 15 days now with a back that will not straighten out, I have no medical insurance, and have already visited the hospital once for it and my Rx's for the pain are already gone. My mouth is lacking serious dental care and I am now battling again, another absess tooth.
This is JUST the top of the Sundae so to speak. There are more serious underlying and deeper things that dig and fester with me nightly. Now... it's 1 AM, I can't sleep despite taking my last pain pill and I am crying so hard my eyes are swollen and I can't see the monitor for the tears.
I kicked my mom out of my house, have caught her lieing to me (for years), and I am losing the only thing that has been there unconditionally for me... my dog. I can't find the silver lining anymore.... and because of it, I am driving away some good friends. I don't trust anyone and I run if I see things just going slightly awry...
And all I want is my mom... cause I never really had one. My anger delves so deep that I am beyond forgiveness and the resentment delves even deeper.
How does one explain to those that would give anything to spend another moment with their mother that you would rather never see yours again?
I am new here, and I don't live what most might consider a 'normal' life, but it suits me. The problem... is finding a way to do deal with what 'SHOULD' have been normal as the abnormal things are what make me feel alive.
Thanks for listening.
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Guest
Good morning Ahmina,
TerryS here. After reading your posting I can see you are hurting so badly. You mentioned siblings. Are you close to them? Do you have children too?
As for your grandfather, I think he may have been proud of you regardless. Most people don't express emotions (especially those in his era). My own mother-inlaw, who I love dearly finds it very hard to say "I love you" to her own son, my husband, "he ought to know." I recall when her own sister who was dying at the time of cancer, my mother-inlaw saying, "She keeps telling me she loves me and she ought to know I do too, since I've been taking care of her for years!" The "I love you" means so much more to us than a lot of people realize and Auntie just wanted to hear it. (My mother-inlaw expresses it with a good homecooked meal, and taking care of us when we're sick) She just wont say it. Wild horses couldn't drag it out of her. Instead "me, myself, I" say it to her. I hug her, kiss your cheek. She just gets a glint in her eye and smiles. (and she calls me the emotional one)
Your grandfather took care of you. He didn't have to, he took on the responsiblity. I bet you he may have discussed his disappointment in your mother with her years ago and left it as that. Don't let the so called relatives make you feel insignificant either. I bet you if you ever came into money they wouldn't let you forget you are "family".
As for your mother, she'll eventually come knocking on your door again. Try not opening it too wide to let her in next time. She'll have to depend on someone else. (Easier said than done, isn't it?) You may just for being honery, mail her a bill for past due rent or groceries. She'll be shocked and wont pay it, but it may get the message across that you're taking a stance and will think twice of knocking again. Emotionally it seems you've been battered and left lying on the floor. Anxiety and the depression that sets in sure does lead to severe crying jags. I know, it's done it's job to me too.
Sorry about your best friend, your companion, your dog. Your husband probably doesn't want to hear only because he can't emotionally handle things too well either. Not making excuses for him, just a fact.
First things first...."Don't give your mother permission to hurt you." It took me a long time to take Elinor Roosevelt's advice. The emotional turmoil she left you in has taken it's toll. It is one day at time, don't look at it as a whole new year, bam. For right now, it's given to us in increments.
We're listening to you and we're here for you! God Bless you...
TerryS here. After reading your posting I can see you are hurting so badly. You mentioned siblings. Are you close to them? Do you have children too?
As for your grandfather, I think he may have been proud of you regardless. Most people don't express emotions (especially those in his era). My own mother-inlaw, who I love dearly finds it very hard to say "I love you" to her own son, my husband, "he ought to know." I recall when her own sister who was dying at the time of cancer, my mother-inlaw saying, "She keeps telling me she loves me and she ought to know I do too, since I've been taking care of her for years!" The "I love you" means so much more to us than a lot of people realize and Auntie just wanted to hear it. (My mother-inlaw expresses it with a good homecooked meal, and taking care of us when we're sick) She just wont say it. Wild horses couldn't drag it out of her. Instead "me, myself, I" say it to her. I hug her, kiss your cheek. She just gets a glint in her eye and smiles. (and she calls me the emotional one)
Your grandfather took care of you. He didn't have to, he took on the responsiblity. I bet you he may have discussed his disappointment in your mother with her years ago and left it as that. Don't let the so called relatives make you feel insignificant either. I bet you if you ever came into money they wouldn't let you forget you are "family".
As for your mother, she'll eventually come knocking on your door again. Try not opening it too wide to let her in next time. She'll have to depend on someone else. (Easier said than done, isn't it?) You may just for being honery, mail her a bill for past due rent or groceries. She'll be shocked and wont pay it, but it may get the message across that you're taking a stance and will think twice of knocking again. Emotionally it seems you've been battered and left lying on the floor. Anxiety and the depression that sets in sure does lead to severe crying jags. I know, it's done it's job to me too.
Sorry about your best friend, your companion, your dog. Your husband probably doesn't want to hear only because he can't emotionally handle things too well either. Not making excuses for him, just a fact.
First things first...."Don't give your mother permission to hurt you." It took me a long time to take Elinor Roosevelt's advice. The emotional turmoil she left you in has taken it's toll. It is one day at time, don't look at it as a whole new year, bam. For right now, it's given to us in increments.
We're listening to you and we're here for you! God Bless you...